Is it ok to tell young adult DC to leave home?

[Mixey]

Eldest DS is 20. Just finishing an apprenticeship with a guaranteed job at the end of it, and earns a good wage for his age.

He lives at home but acts like he's not part of the family. He doesn't speak to the rest of us unless spoken to. Comes and goes without advance notice so I never know when to cater for him at mealtimes etc. Stays in his room all the time, only comes out for meals (if he's here when they're served). Never helps with any chores. I have laid down ground rules and issued chores but I get fed up of constantly nagging/reminding, often to be told he "can't do it now as going out" and says he'll do it later/tomorrow, but of course he doesn't.

He says he wants to leave home but doesn't seem to be making a sincere effort to move out. He hasn't saved any money over the 3 years he's been working, just blown it all on going out, clothes, recreational drugs :(

On a day to day basis he doesn't cause a lot of trouble apart from his dismissive attitude and leaving mess in the kitchen and bathroom (he doesn't clean or tidy up after himself ever). But if we pull him up on his attitude or not cleaning up after himself, he often loses his temper and storms off. He has on several occasions thrown things at the walls, causing damage.

I did tell him a few months ago that while he's living here he has to follow the family rules, treat others with respect, clean up after himself etc, and if he doesn't like it then he should find somewhere else to live. He got upset and his attitude improved ever so slightly for a while, but he still made no effort to do his assigned chores, and now it seems we're back to square one.

I'm now thinking of giving him a deadline to move out. Is this cruel and will it destroy our relationship permanently? I can just see him interpreting it as his heartless parents unreasonably kicking him out, and since he avoids us most of the time he is generally no trouble, but I'm fed up of living with someone who barely speaks to me yet still expects me to wash up his coffee cups that he dumps by the sink.

If he earns more than you, is he contributing towards his living costs?
it could be different if he was doing chores and buying food, but other bills etc.
(if you don’t need it you could always save it for him towards a deposit)

He is a grown man working 50 hour weeks, you need to view him as a lodger and not particularly part of the family.

What type of chores is he expected to do? I would increase his housekeeping significantly to cover a cleaner and not expect general family style chores as he seems keen not to do it. Whether you get a cleaner or keep the money is up to you.
A separate washing up bowl to put any dishes he uses.
A separate laundry basket for his clothes.
Don't cook for him, unless it's a specific family meal.
Him cooking late at night is the same as if he were at uni or living in a house share.

But if you aren't happy with viewing him as a lodger and no more then it's best he moves out to preserve your relationship. If he is in to recreational drugs though I would avoid it as it's likely he'll end up further down that road in a scummy bedsit.

OP, you clearly love your son, and also it's clear that he shouldn't be living at home anymore - he struggles do chores as he works 50 hours a week and unsocial hours, and you want quiet at night etc. nobody should be working 50 hour weeks and earning more than their mum and yet still needing to tell her where they are going and what time they'll be back, and no one should be doing dishes and laundry and cooking for someone who doesn't contribute or need support - it's no wonder it's chafing on both of you.

I'd take him out to lunch and tell him that you know he wants to move out and is struggling, and you want to help him with it. He's never done this before, it's probably completely overwhelming and at his age he may even feel embarrassed that the process of moving out is so opaque. It sounds like he earns plenty to pay for a room in an HMO, so I imagine the problem is deposit and just being stuck on how to do it. I would suggest that he starts paying you a below market rent, for a set period, in return for which you will save the money for him to use when he moves out, and start treating him as a lodger - no saying where he is and feeling mothered and so on, seperate laundry and washing up bowl, separate dishes, etc. And I'd walk him through practical help in finding a place. You could call and arrange some viewings and drive him to them. You will almost certainly have to cosign for him on a lease, too.
You CAN ask him to move out without breaking his heart, but it's going to have to be you supporting him to do it a bit.

He treating you like a servent - its massively disrespectful & I'd be concerned he will go into any relationship assuming his partner would also pick up after him.

He needs to grow up and he wont do this at home.

I can't believe you're more bothered about him not doing chores than you are about him taking drugs.

yeah but they won't tolerate it which would be salutory for him

He's an adult! He needs to stand on his own two feet, he has already shown he can work and earn a living, and independent life is the next stage in developing the maturity to become a fully functioning adult member of society

Learning to cope with different people is all part of growing up, for the OP's son and the other housemates.
They may even be able to get through to him more effectively than a parent would be.
Wrapping people in cotton wool doesn't allow them to learn

Can you list his 2 options.

Move out - X take home pay, X rent, X bills, X money left over, X to do for himself.

Stay home - X take home pay, X keep, X chores, boundaries, ground rules, X money left over.

2 options. Choose one and set a time limit. If he stays home and doesn’t commit to the rules then he forfeits and option 1 is it.

Let's see. He's:
Treating your home like a hotel
Treating you like an unpaid maid
Doesn't pay for room, board or anything else
Blows his money on selfish and self-destructive ends
Intimidates you on a regular basis
Has damaged your property several times
Doesn't take any responsibility of his future, your household or his family.

You are absolutely not unreasonable if you tell him to move. Yes it will damage your relationship because people who benefit from you not having boundaries are the noisiest when you establish some.

If he eventually matures he will realise you did him a favour. It might take years. But if you continue as before you're basically enabling his entitlement and ensuring nothing will change.

He is an adult and should be paying his equal way in the house, ie bills split 3 ways if its him and 2 parents.
Why are you letting him act like this in your home?
Charge him to live there and say he is gping on a 3 monthly review, if he continues to act the slob he can go and rent a room in a house share. Why are you standing for this, you're raising somebodys future husband, future father etc.
Also after drug use I'd have kicked him out no question.

To me I wouldn't care so much about the lack of chores as the unkind and selfish attitude to you. If he was good company and added to family life that would go a long way to excusing his other shortcomings. I think not going to uni means he hasn't had that eye opening experience of looking after himself.
I'm now thinking of giving him a deadline to move out. Is this cruel and will it destroy our relationship permanently?
It doesn't feel like you have much of a relationship left to destroy.

You need to give him notice that's all I can say love

Stop it with the gender stereotypes please!

OP it's fine to encourage him to find his own place. Help him work out a budget for saving, set a time line, and look at local rents in house shares/bedsits. Give it a positive spin something like " You are absolutely ready for the next phase of life and I'm going to support you to get there".

He should always be cleaning up after himself, but the part where you're expecting him to live like he's still 12 is a bit much. He's an adult, he can come and go as he pleases and he doesn't need to be a requirement for your family meals, conversations etc. It sounds like you're babying him and he's resisting in that respect.

The best option sounds like renting a room in a houseshare or lodging somewhere if he can't afford to rent alone and doesn't have friends to rent with.

I'd say it's time to start charging him rent, due in pay day. I'd charge the equivalent of a room in a shared house plus share of bills in your area.
You keep the share of bills, the rent portion Gordon a savings account which he can access for rental deposit expenses when he moved out.I
He's emotionally ready to go just not ready to adjust his spending, so you force that change and he still knows you are his save space, that he can come back in event of unemployment ironing term illness etc. But also that it's time to grow up.

This is spot on. Once you've given him a deadline to move out you must stick to it otherwise you'll be back to square one.

do Remember op that the consequence of his actions is you will ask him to leave; the consequence of your action, which is way way more severe, is he will likely never speak to you again. It will break the relationship.

Bit of a stretch this! He may be just as likely to carry on talking and then thanking her for pushing him to the next stage of growing up as he embarks on a long-term relationship...

Give him a choice, he either contributes enough financially or he does a list of chores to contribute or he moves out and if he won't choose one then you'll choose for him and your choice will be moved out.

Your relationship is already damaged and it won't get better by him spending even more years acting like a brat.

Gosh i have been you. I let it go on way too long. Best thing i every done was tell him to leave. It was awful at the time and of course he didn't speak to me and i worried about where he was but in the long run it was the best thing. He realised very quickly that he had to grow up. He now has a great job, his own home and a great life.
He understands now why i had to ask him to leave. Don't let him away with this for another year, start today, give him a a date of say, 31 October and tell him it won't be extended, help him by writing a list of what he will have to pay and constantly send links to rentals.
As for the drugs, how on earth can you allow him to bring them into your home. You need to put a stop to that today.

Yes. He's 20 and has a job. He can get a flat share.

Could charge him rent, poll tax, bills. Don't feed him, do his laundry or tidy. Just put it outside his room. Might as well get used to it.

It’d hugely unlikely he will simply see it as she threw him out.

Apart from the disrespectful attitude,(no excuse for that) it doesn't sound like a lot wrong tbh.