So apparently when you get to 80

[fungipie]

you give up driving

you must sell your home and downsize

give poa away

give up on life then and curl up in a corner. Hurrah.

@fungipie nip it in the bud and don't let your adult dc boss you around! My mum is 60 and would tell me where to go! I won't be bossing her about at 80 either.

Power of attorney. Officially called LPA (lasting power of attourney)

Ageism on mn works both ways.

Personally, it doesn't bother me, it just alerts me to which posters i should ignore.

give PoA away that's hilarious. You're not 'giving' anything away, you are securing your interests in case you are incapacitated.

My DM refused to set up a POA, saying she didn't need it. She is now in her 80s. Both I and DH have had them for years just in case. But no, DM wasn't having any of it, shouting that she is an independent woman who has worked all her life and commands respect not infantilising. She's a tricky woman anyway so we are very arms length.

Until she broke a bone, got pneumonia while in hospital and lost mental capacity due to delirium. Without a POA there was nobody to deal with her utility bills, renew her house insurance, even small stuff like renew her ISA, get her car serviced and MOT'd, and just oversee her home when money was needed and deal with her financial security in general. Nor did she have somebody to argue for her when the social worker in charge of her case insisted she was not fit to return to her house and forced her into a home, insisting it would be her "last move" because of her age. You think the NHS or social workers give a shit about your interests when you're 80? About your empty house? That they will help you with your debts and make sure your bills are paid when you are incapacitated? They don't and they won't! They haven't got time and the ones I met worked on the assumption that everyone over 80 who isn't behaving 'normally' and cries to go home (because it's where they feel safe) has dementia. How's that for ageism?

Now DM is finally back at home after a long enforced spell in a nursing home that she hated but had to pay the council a small fortune for (compared to being in her familiar comfy house with daily home help nursing which would have worked out cheaper) you bet your life she has POA. But only after the council means tested her and took all those fees. People she does not know got to see all her financial information (for 'independent' DM this was akin to a stranger rifling through her knicker drawer). She wouldn't consider downsizing years ago or even swap her bath for a walk in shower, so now when she was recovered enough to get up the stairs she still has to use a small sink to wash. Silly, obstinate woman.

Do what you want OP, just ask yourself if you are being reasonable or obstinate because of some mistaken belief that you will always be fine.

No, not an issue for me, yet, apart from a couple of comments. I am talking about older people. It's hard enough getting older, aches and pains, not able to do all the things you love, some memory loss, etc. without ACs beginning to treat you without thinking first, and giving you a bit of space and respect. $As parents, you spend so much time supporting with your lip zipped permanently!

This is not about me- and I am fully aware as I enter my 60s, and OH his 70s, that we have to ensure we get ready and not burden our AC, - but it has to go both ways, surely. And support, without infantilising, is very much as important in this direction, than it is in theirs. But I have no intention, if I am well enough and get there, or spending my 70s and 80s wrapped in cotton wool so I don't get in the way. And live life to the fullest possible.

So often on MN, anyone over 60 is considered elderly and incapable of judgement, driving, travelling, looking after GCs without endless lists, etc.

Rant over.

There are a few different things going on here. If you feel 'bossed' by AC's, that you are bending over backwards helping with them with childcare but doing everything wrong and being ordered how to do it, don't do it. No conflict necessary, find a way to enjoy time with them on your own terms.

One of my relatives calls her kids "the children". The youngest is 50. Infantilising works both ways.

This whole thread reads like communication problems on both sides. Seeing our DC as adults can be tough, accepting that you are no longer the dominant force in charge and they have their own ways can be tough, simply accepting that you're ageing can be extremely tough. The amount of people who post on MN because others parent differently is constant. Terry v disposable, breast v bottle, natural v c section, WAHM v SAHM, state v private, meal planning it goes on and on. When it's your own AC who aren't making all the same choices you did and asking you to do things differently it's bound to be doubly frustrating, it challenges everything we think we know and that worked for us. But It's not about keeping your lip zipped, it's about adjusting and accepting that people aren't carbon copies of yourself, and relaxing your iron grip. Relationships change as people get older, its the natural order of things, and fighting for control of that or never ends well (if you think it does, there's likely a person avoiding you as much as they can or privately on AD's & having counselling sessions).

OP if you are only 60, close to my age and not remotely close to 80, your GC will be adults themselves by the time you're that age. You are worked up and pre-angry over something so far off in the future that it's all a bit of a stretch.

To refuse to plan for your elderly years in order to be contrary is just daft.

To me at 80 age wise your elderly. I know some people of 80 who act far younger than there years and other people who are the total opposite.

One of my friends has parents in their early 80s. A few years ago my friend suggested that her mother sell the big family home with a garden and move into one of the nearest towns and near public transport. Her mother was far from happy with this suggestion. Meanwhile her mother now has some cognitive decline and her health is getting worse. She refuses to listen to advice or put things in place regarding her long term care. She has been verbally abusive to my friend. My friend has decided to change jobs next year for financial reasons and will be working more hours. She said that people need to plan for old age and realise that moving into town can give a better quality of life for longer.

Why is it fab to get a speeding ticket? This would worry me. I know a couple of elderly drivers who frankly shouldn't be driving any more and are dangerous. Of course they won't listen to anyone about it though, complain people are just being ageist (I'm sure the op would agree with them). They've both had a couple of minor bumps, nothing to serious, but this is after a lifetime of driving experience and previously very good driving. They won't listen though.

Yes, my mother shouldn't be driving. Usually she doesn't because she knows it but, every now and then when it's really inconvenient not to, she does. Yes, I lightly judge her decision and I will report her if it gets to the stage she is really incapable if she does it then. Right now it's just 'probably not a good idea but got to trust her judgement on that'.