So apparently when you get to 80

[fungipie]

you give up driving

you must sell your home and downsize

give poa away

give up on life then and curl up in a corner. Hurrah.

80? That's very generous for MN. My impression was this should kick in around 70, if not before (but you should also still be up for providing care for GC according to the needs of your adult children).

Bossy?

I have friends who have staged interventions to get a stubborn elderly relative to stop driving. Are these people bossy and domineering? Would it be preferable to let them kill someone on the roads?

How about adult DCs spending years urging someone to learn to use a laptop or a smartphone, but that person insists they will never need one? They then complain that nobody sends them photos any more, and they're feeling very left out, all of which was predicted and pointed out to them, but I suppose that's "domineering"...

Maybe you've never come across an elderly person who is mulishly stubborn and so contrary they would rather shoot themselves in the foot than agree to sensible advice - then expects you to be the Seventh Cavalry charging to the rescue when the problem you warned them about comes to pass.

Mine won't even talk about plans now that they are showing the first signs of getting less capable. Anything you try to bring up is shut down fast. Bossy? Well, when the expectation is that you will sort out things when they happen that should have been sorted out years before, you can't blame adult children for asking questions about plans. Aging parents that won't help themselves cause a lot of anxiety in adult children, so of course they want to address it.

I know the housing market is awful for young people now and I genuinely sympathise.

We didn’t find it easy though.
I rented a room in shared houses in London for 15 years before my dh and I could afford to get married, then rent, then eventually buy together. And when we bought a flat it was 100 metres squared above a busy pub because that’s all we could afford.

Nope, none of the elderly in my family were like that. I did have to pay my DF's bills online as he didn't have a computer, and cheques are no longer in use here, and he kept apologising about what a nuisance it must be, even though I kept telling him it took me very little time. Not all the elderly are the same you know, and I wouldn't have dreamed of telling either of my parents what they should do.

What is ‘a normal life’ OP? Throughout the continuum of life our abilities and needs are constantly evolving.

Walking 10km a week is a great idea if you’re still fit and able but not if eg your leg ulcer needs to take precedence because it won’t heal unless you keep it elevated.

We all need to continue to adapt to new challenges and circumstances but to ‘take yourself out of the equation’ is a bit drastic. You might still be enjoying your life.

It’s best to get a POA in place early, my gm didn’t and quickly went downhill with dementia it took years and a lot of £££ to arrange guardianship.
My GF 86 still lives in the same house, yes a stair lift has been fitted and bathroom done so that it’s a walk in shower. He only stopped driving around a year ago.

Global warming won’t be helping here.
They may well get soaking wet and catch a cold.

Well you are not allowed to retire and you have to provide endless childcare for no matter how many grandchildren you have

You also have to run any decisions by your children to ensure it meets there standards

If you have no children you need to go live in a tent so people with children can buy your home

This is the flip side of OP's concerns. A fucking nightmare. Years of care and advocating for parents' independence. Not even a PoA in place.

When I get too old to be me, I will take myself out of the equation.

What does that mean in practice, @fungipie?

80? That's old for Mumsnet! I thought you had to settle in your chair with you Big Slipper, your National Trust lap tray and your phone with big buttons at 60...

My step mum is in her late 80s as is her boyfriend. She can stay where she is as she has a v large income and live in help to drive her and do her life admin. She still rides but now only occasionally and never alone.

My 85yo MIL sees 3 of her children daily and lives with one of them. The other 2 live within 300m. So she can also stay in her home. A 4th comes every other weekend at least to take of her intimate issues and to deep clean. She definitely wouldn't be able to afford to stay in her home if her circumstances were different.

If either of them couldn't manage their personal hygiene or had advanced dementia then that would be the end of living at home.

When I am 80 I won't have sufficient income to do the same. So when we stop driving we will have to move to somewhere we can walk to the amenities we need unless self driving cars are a real reliable thing.

I did a medical POA in my 40s and sorted our wills and wrote my funeral wishes. We will do everything we can to make sure our lives are not a burden for our kids.

But that's the point, isn't it? If you don't know somebody who is mulishly obstinate, as @mathanxiety pointed out, it does seem ageist. And I also think that the posters on the Elderly Parents board are the ones who are trying extremely hard to deal with parents who are making the sort of decisions which culminate in their children needing to ride to the rescue.
People with healthy, active, 80+ parents are generally not posting there.

I'm 44, had mine set up at 37, its not just for dementia, if anything happens that means you are temporarily unable to act for yourself its a great idea not to pass all of that authority to the powers that be.

My mum, 83, just went into hospital for a minor fracture, but got a urine infection and temporary delirium, as POA I was able to push for IV fluids and antibiotics (both of which they didn't want to do) and prevent her being put on a DoLs order, net result within 24 hours she was back in the room mentally and I passed the ball back to her.

I appreciate he is unusual, but my FIL is 100, still lives at home independently (cleaners, but no carers), drives weekly to see friends and get shopping and is currently out planting bedding plants in his garden...😲

I kind of get the head in the sand stuff. I'm mid 40s. The 'plan' was always next stage- house, kids, bigger house, uni for kids. Pension was automatically taken from wages. But all that was, I suppose, thinking of growth- next steps. We need to do a will etc, but it all seems so far away, even though I know just how fast time goes.

I mostly agree with you OP, except this part - Yes, 80 is getting on a bit - c'mon, really? Getting on a bit. 80 years old is firmly in the elderly territory.
Like it or not the average life expectancy in the UK is around 80 years old.

That's not to say that some 80 year olds can be very sprightly and look and act much younger, but I have found with a fair few relatives that after 80 things can deteriorate very quickly. I don't think it would be a bad thing to have regular checks on older drivers, every year or two, to make sure their eyesight for one is good enough to be on the road.

People are always going to pipe up with anecdotes of their 99 year old grandad doing cartwheels on rollerskates, but the vast majority of elderly people do slow down and need more support.

You have the wrong children, OP.
My mum will be 83 in a few months.

She did downsize because she moved back from Spain when my dad died, so it made sense to buy a flat rather than a house.

She still drives and has a better social life than me. She has a POA and a will, but so do I, at 53.

She has been on holiday 3 times this year and is going on a river cruise in July.

I help with some stuff, but only when she asks me to. Usually utilities or banking. I often book flights for her again at her request.

She is cat sitting for us, for 12 days, when we go on holiday in 3 weeks.

She walks lots, goes out with a walking group twice a week, and still does aquafit.

OP you might want to think about being a bit more sensitive to people...my dad died well before 80, from a degenerative disease after being fit and well his whole life. 80 would have been a dream.

@fungipie 100% agree with the point you’re making.

Both my parents have dementia, but both still have capacity. So many posts I read on Mumsnet are really shocking.

Thanks. It is give and take. But it is hard, having worked for many years to bring up children best you can, and then supporting them in adult life, with their children and families, on their term, following their instructions to the letter, always listening carefully and not judge, not give unwanted advice, and on and on - and then suddenly you are constantly told what you can and can't do, what you should do, must do, etc.

Am not at that stage yet, although it has happened a couple of times. But I see it all around me- ACs getting very bossy and not listening or even respecting boundaries.

I am so sorry to hear this. But what is your point?

That if you get to 80 you have to just sit there in cotton wool and do as you are told by ACs? Surely if you are lucky to get to 80, and I might not (60 soon) and OH mid 70s- you should make the best of it and live to the full.

Sorry but what is a POA

She would fab even if she were decades younger!