Are two children worth the grief and worry?

[Kiki1703]

Those who have got to adulthood within multiples… any regrets ?

If you could do it all again - would you? Or would you have had less children or none and enjoyed more years of independent adult life?

do they give you more joy than grief or is that just a myth ?

What grief are you talking about specifically? But also no one can predict if your children will turn out to be dope addicts or geniuses.

I’m talking about the stress and worry and heartache I hear so many mums of adult children talk about… how they never feel peaceful again as they worry constantly?

No.

You worry about one child. Two makes no difference

My mum regretted having a second. I only have one and was always so glad about it when he was young and the other parents were constantly moaning about how their kids argued and fought all the time. I still worry about him of course but it's been very easy IMO compared to worrying about 2 kids.

I dont worry constantly and my DC have never fought.
I do worry sometimes about the climate crisis, the CoL, the cost of housing and so on.

Not at all. Having two little ones was wonderful, I had no regrets about that. Two made for great family fun and having two adult children is still an absolute joy.
They are completely different and so what I talk about or do is different for each. One loves nature and has inherited my love of gardens, the other is witty and clever like his dad.
Whether you have one child or many it's hard when they are unhappy. If something goes wrong in their life it hurts me but that's the price of love.

I think it depends on your personality - mine have really not done anything to make me worry specifically, passed exams, been to Uni, got good jobs etc but that doesn't mean I don't still worry about them if they are ill or have work or relationship problems... their father doesn't worry about them at all...

I’m talking about the stress and worry and heartache I hear so many mums of adult children talk about… how they never feel peaceful again as they worry constantly?

I don't recognise any of this.

I have 3 dc in their 20s.

This has just mind boggled me. I have three kids. I always worry about them because I love them and I don't know what I'd do without them. I'd do it all again just to have another minute with them. No amount of worry is too much.

What a strange way to phrase it. I have three young adult children and they are a joy. There is no grief or heartache. I raised them to be decent pleasant people and they are.

What about the quote ‘you’re only as happy as your least happy chlild’

surely this means that the more you have, the more risk of unhappiness…

I have two adult children. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Gratefully and with relish.

Does the quote ‘you’re only as happy as your least happy child’ resonate with you ?

But the more you have the more
lives you have to worry about ?! At least when one is doing well and problem free you can have respite whereas with multiple there may always be something happening and you can only be as happy as your least happy child ?

I wish I’d had more - I’ve got 3, two in their 20’s and 1 mid teens. I love having children. They do drive me mad sometimes of course but I couldn’t imagine my life without them.

So you do have moments of peace and respite?

In my opinion, no. I look at my friends with adult children and just feel overwhelming relief that I have never had to go through any of it. But many/most people feel differently.
The point is, OP, that we are all different but you are absolutely entitled to feel however you feel.

Are you child free then?

Yes, and very thankful. People say that they never stop worrying about their kids, and who wants that as they go into old age?

Well, it's not a phrase I've heard, but taking it at face value, surely you could also say, the more dc you have, the more you are likely to be proud of them, and happy for them and feel a sense of contentment that you have managed to raise your dc in to fantastic young adults.

This is such a weird thread.

I'm an only child and intentionally had more than one, as I hate being an only child and didn't want to do that to my children. It was rubbish as a child being an only, and the worry and stress of looking after elderly parents with no one to share it with, along with thinking about having to go through my parents dying and having no one to share that with really upsets me.

I'm sure I'm not seeing any of the negatives of siblings, but I intentionally said I would either have no children or a minimum of two due to my experience, as I wouldn't want to do what I have to my kids.

Mine are late teens (3 of them). They're close in age, on good terms, and have been mostly good (yes bickering) growing up. They have each other. We always wanted 3 (twins sealed that deal).

SIL and BIL have one kid similar age, an only child. He's going to be financially much better off than my kids - had ski holidays through his life, parents will retire to the country and set him up in the city. Having just one kid to fund through life, holiday, uni etc is easier for sure.

But when his folks get old and doddery... he's on his own with it. Mine will hopefully lean on one another.

There's pros and cons to both. Do what feels right for your family.

What's the point in being alive if you aren't going to take risks and do things that might being you joy and love? My mum went through the absolute heartbreak of losing her adult son to cancer but she doesn't regret the years she spent raising him and loving him. If we all went through life never doing things that could cause us to experience fear or grief why are we even bothering.

Yes of course. You always feel for your DC and worry about them when they are going through tough times but that is evidence of deep love and a bond that brings so much fulfilment and contentment. A line from the film ‘Shadowlands’ which is about true, deep-in-the-soul love, “pain is part of the happiness” - so true.