Are two children worth the grief and worry?

[Kiki1703]

Those who have got to adulthood within multiples… any regrets ?

If you could do it all again - would you? Or would you have had less children or none and enjoyed more years of independent adult life?

do they give you more joy than grief or is that just a myth ?

My kids are adjacent school years (currently Y6 and y7) and I would say that for each of them their sibling is the best thing to happen to them, maybe bar me and DH. Dc2 really looks up to dc1. Dc1 is kind and loving to Dc2. I think Dc2 has knocked a lot of dc1s potential negative personality traits far away. I can't really picture what Dc2 would have been like growing up without dc1.
When dc1 first started going to parties they would come home and share the contents the party bags, and they both continued this (only a few more left as no party bags at secondary!)
I'm a generally anxious person, pre-kids I had panic disorder. Obviously I occasionally worry about specific issues for my kids. But not about them having someone else to love them and someone of their own generation in the house.

Honestly I think it depends on so many factors, such as family dynamics, coping levels, financial situation etc ..... the one thing I've reminded friends who wanted to add one more and be done......you could end up with a multiple pregnancy

who knows. I have 2 teens and have just spent an amazing evening with my 18yo watching Gorgon City.

That experience, knowing he was happy to be with me, was worth so much

I think heartache only comes if you’ve raised a grown up that keeps getting into trouble. I have an aunt with a son who can’t hold down a job, gets in trouble with police - she isnt depressed, she’s at peace and she actually lives her life but you can tell her son stresses her out. But its not stopped her k - she moved country, accelerated in her career etc.

Also heartache may come if you have a child that doesn’t deal with life very well. A friend of mine has 3 children and worries about one of them (they are all over 25 now) - he worries because a bad life circumstance can send her into a dark place and she doesn’t always ask for help.

What is interesting is that I find the tables turn as we age. Now that I’m older I’m finding my parents worry less about us (maybe because we’ve shown that we can look after ourselves) and we start to worry more about them! Just things like my mum not being super tech savvy, and other minor things that have come with age - and a few people have told me they feel the same about their parents.

I wouldn't have any if I could go back in time. There are so many difficulties that have carried on into adulthood. Life would have been so much simpler without any of this.

I love being a mum but I wouldn’t be able to handle more than one for a number of reasons I won’t bore anyone with.

My parents had three and were not really great with many aspects of parenting. May be why my siblings chose to remain partnerless and childfree.

Yes certainly. But then I have always taken care to have a life separate from my kids and husband.
Its all part of life's rich tapestry, as pp said.

I did want to add that if you only want to stick at one or none, its fine too! Life is getting increasingly more expensive in terms of university, house deposits and so on.

No worries. I didn't mean to come across as an uncaring parent. Actually I'm anything but. It's very difficult when women ask whether they should have children or not because it's all so different these days. The opportunities for women to have fabulous careers, to travel, to work overseas and have independent social lives without judgment. Basically to break the glass ceiling.

When I was young it was expected that women had children, certainly in working class circles anyway. That was the sole purpose of our minds, bodies and souls, it was why we were created (that and doing housework). If we suggested otherwise we were called "mental" or "a dyke" and probably both.

I was just trying to say that there are many other routes to happiness for women. Unless of course having children is a major goal, then of course you won't be happy until you fulfill it - and there is nothing wrong with that. Bit rambling but I hope that makes sense!

I honestly don't think there is much more enjoyable things than spending time on your adult child's company. The fact they still want to spend time with me is lovely.
This. I sometimes find myself wondering whether they will ever feel that spending time with me is a duty but for now it's definitely a choice.

I was deliberately child free until I was 37. My only regret was not starting sooner as I would have had more than two.

As to a 10 year gap. That's basically two families. DH and his brother were 10 years apart and it always felt like a generation. His brother was more like an uncle. They did however still have shared family memories and shared the burden when their parents were elderly and died.

This.

Of course there will be a minority of families for whom life hasn't worked out. Some adults go off the rails. A tiny, tiny, tiny minority turn out to be really evil - I mean even Hitler must have had a mother. But for the vast majority of loving parents, having dc is an overwhelming positive. No, not at the times when you are changing the sheets at 3am because your 6 yr old was sick, or when your newborn is going through a phase of wanting to feed every hour, but taking life over all, and certainly when they get to adulthood.

Mine don't want to spend much time with me at the moment as they are doing punishing uni courses,, working and in their little spare time, going to the gym or seeing friends. But I hope they come back when their lives settle down. I am v close to my mum.

I worry less, because my DDs have each other. They're very different people, but they get on well and support each other.

Just as having a second child made me a more chilled out mother, so having two adults who will be there for each other when I'm gone, makes me more relaxed about their future.

If I'd only had one child I'd have frettted about her her whole life. All my eggs in one basket as it were, and all my focus on her, poor kid.

I am very happy I had more than one. As someone with siblings I couldn't imagine growing up without them and I didn't want my child not to have siblings.
But everyone is different what suited me might not suit someone else.

Thanks for this. I'm pregnant with my third and have a tendency to be anxious (about everything!) and that has warmed my heart. A lovely perspective and I will try to remember it.

I can't really see why you would worry less about one than you would about two or three.
I can see that the fear of this worry would maybe make some people not want to have any. And that is totally fair enough.
I have two and I worry about them both at different times. Maybe with one I would have half the worry, but then I would be missing out on the different joys that their two distinct personalities bring.

I think that's a really good point.

It warms the cockles of my heart when I find out one of mine has been helping out one of the others. Might just be advice, or it might be picking them up at 4am, but knowing they'll always have each other, long after I've gone, is a good feeling.

You will worry about however many children you have, and their children too, for the rest of your days. If you just want a stress free life and to focus on yourself, don't go there!

Yes but clearly then more family members and loved ones you have, the more you worry.

I don't understand why you are so negative?

It's not the case at all.
If there's something that is a concern, the fact there is family around is really comforting.
A problem shared is a problem halved as they say.

I’m not negative, im
just challenging and interested in popular opinions and beliefs. I’m not one way or the other. Xx

The real way to never have any worry or grief is never to love another. But that's a hard existence too.

For me there's always been the 'heir an spare' thing. If something happens to one of them at least I would still have the other .

There are going to be more worries now housing has got so expensive but also more deaths due to decay of healthcare and rising cancer rates of young people.

That would be the case if you had one u happy child, though. Yes, maybe the chances of having a child that is unhappy is doubled, but nobody is happy or unhappy all the time. I think if I had one, my worry would just be concentrated on that one. Mine do fight, and its massively irritating, but now I just try and leave them to it. I hope they have a decent relationship when they are adults. I like having a sibling for support or just to chat to and share cincerns about our parentsas they get older, and I like having a SIL.( I know that's not always the case!)

I think that the ten year age gap is personality/ interests. DH and his youngest brother have a ten year gap and they're really good friends, often choose to spend time together.
My DDs are a young adult and a mid teen and they have a good relationship, I hope that will be sustained as they get older.