Are two children worth the grief and worry?

[Kiki1703]

Those who have got to adulthood within multiples… any regrets ?

If you could do it all again - would you? Or would you have had less children or none and enjoyed more years of independent adult life?

do they give you more joy than grief or is that just a myth ?

I have three and mr eldest is 28 soon.

Stress and worry over your kids is part of the rich tapestry of having children.

Yes there is times of stress and worry but the overwhelming sense of pride, love, friendship, fun, truly joyful moments out weigh them. The bad times and getting through them and appreciating the loving and happy times are what bond you as a family.

I can worry just much over my eldest living in the Middle East and my youngest having school play ground worries.

You will never stop feeling that concern because they will always be your children not matter how old. That’s love.

We are flying out to see our eldest in a couple of months and we are all so excited.

And I’d do it all again in a heartbeat

By the way the saying ‘you are only as happy as your least happy child’ is true. That mainly applies to very young children as a stressed child can cause havoc but mostly the times off stress isn’t continuous.

My children are not babies anymore and all I feel is proudness.

I personally don't think children bring more joy than grief. They do bring joy of course because you love them and they are part of your life but from the moment you give birth you are committed to, and emotionally tied to, another human being. You can't divorce them and you can never fully seperate yourself from them whatever they turn out to be.

I suppose it depends if your life long goal is to have children and whether you feel complete without them or not. Many women cannot face a childless life. If you feel that way, then fair enough.

I hope you don’t have children because they will absolutely feel that disconnect.

My life’s goal wasn’t to have children. My first was a ‘surprise’ but she absolutely brought another dimension to it. Once she was here everything changed.

My kids don’t bring me joy just because I love them - they are actual nice, funny human beings who I enjoy spending time with.

There are many women who absolutely should have and should stay childless. Not all are capable of being mothers. And that’s ok. My neighbour is in her 50s, single and no kids and she has a blast!

Why do you hope I don't have children? I gave the OP my honest opinion to the question she posed. If the question was "do you love your children with all your heart and and would you die for them" the answer would've been yes.

Because it’s pretty clear you see them as a burden. They will feel that. I felt that reading your post. Your own life events experiences would have contributed to that

You could die for kids and not actually like them or like spending time with them which tbh is not a good place to be.

But it's just part of being a parent who loves their children. It doesn't render one incapable of doing anything else. It's just an emotion.

Our second was an unexpected blessing.

We’re thankful every day.

Is two children with a ten year age gap okay?

My adult children haven’t given me much cause to worry, but I’d rather have lived my life worrying about them, than to have had to live without them. Having my children has enhanced my life beyond measure.

You suddenly seem to know a lot about me. I don't see my children as a burden because they are not and it is not your place to make such hurtful comments. For reference I'm nearly 70 and have had a lovely relationship with them. You obviously want everyone to say how fantastic life is after having children. There are joyous times and times of great pride, but there are also times of extreme worry and you do continue to worry about them no matter how old you or they are.

So you do have moments of peace and respite?

Absolutely, 2 children, one adult and one nearly adult.
I honestly don't think there is much more enjoyable things than spending time on your adult child's company. The fact they still want to spend time with me is lovely.
Yes I still worry about them, but I worry about my aging parents, my sister and nephews too, it's what being part of a family is all about.

I absolutely get this x

I’m sorry I offended you. That’s just how you come across.

@Gobimanchurian your prediction is almost tragically simplistic.

But when his folks get old and doddery... he's on his own with it. Mine will hopefully lean on one another.

Only child here. My father’s an only, too. Mother one of 6.

When it came to my maternal grandparents’ care, sons basically completely absent, daughters had conflict over who’d do it.

Paternal grandparents: my dad was on his own, but at least he hadn’t any deadbeat siblings with which to contend.

I suppose it’s an absolute that he will be dealing them with them on their own, whereas at least with a sibling there is a chance of sharing the emotional and physical support… not an absolute but a good chance. And also family memories living on once the parents are gone.

@Kiki1703 I actually genuinely don’t think it’s a good chance, from what I’ve observed in my own immediate family. Nobody wants to care for elderly parents; it’s a huge burden, especially when the potential carets often have their own young children to care for.

at least if you’re an only child, there’s nobody to disappoint you when they (as so often happens) abdicate responsibility for elderly parents.

I have three children. I definitely worry all the time. I don’t think having just one would make any difference 🤷‍♀️If anything it means that my children don’t have Mum focusing on just one of them!!

Oh @Kiki1703 Ijust cannot adequately put into words the joy my boys now 34 and 30 have brought me. I did want another child but they were both premature and so we settled for two healthy boys. I now have glorious grandchildren and my family are my life, my joy, my everything. ☺️

@Roundandroundtheworld I def think there is something in this.
My friend is an only and although her DP's are lovely she does feel suffocated by them and it has cause her a great deal of stress.

OP I’d probably just stick with the one as your reasoning for having more is so clinical and sterile and not born from a maternal instinct to have more. I think you might be highly dissatisfied/disappointed if life doesnt play out the way you expected it.

I have two DC in their 30's. They are very different but both are a joy to be around. They have given me a small amount of worry / heartache etc but I've never thought "oh I wish I'd never had them, so I could have lived a more carefree life" .

My reason for having more is not that.. I was just putting forward another perspective.

Having more children is a personal decision only to be made by the parents and had many layers and considerations. There’s not right or wrong… we all individuals with diff life choices, there’s huge pros and cons to both so to think someone on the internet could decide someone else is madness… 😂

Yeah although most people have another child because they’d absolutely love one and not need random strangers insight in if they are going to cause stress in 20 years time or being able to look after their elderly parents 😂

Hello OP, I don't think any amount of reassurance would be able to convince you that having one child or more is worth it.
Choosing to have children is something you do based on personal conviction or a gut feeling if you prefer.
Of course there will be grief and worry as with anything worth living and loving. If you believe you have to know in advance you are better off not having any.

I'm so very thankful to have my kids, we've all had oyr ups and downs and 'failures' but they're my very favourite people. Number two was a complete accident that I was very upset about but I'm so grateful he's here.