Help to detach from adult dc’s lives and stop worryingl

[FluffyWasMyCat]

Seems a bit of a dramatic title but what I mean is I want advice on trying to stop being so involved in dd’s life.
I worry to a ridiculous degree about her health, happiness and life choices and it’s got to stop. I’m living my life around her. I’m putting off booking a holiday until she receives some health results in case she needs me. Life is on hold.

Things are a tad easier now that she’s moved 200 miles away so I don’t know what time she is getting home/if she’s getting home etc But I still worry about unsuitable (in my eyes) relationships and choices. She’s a sensible young woman except when it comes to boyfriends as she falls in love so hard and quick. Not that she’s had that many bf’s tbh.

How do I get it into my head that I’ve got to back off and let her get on with things? I absolutely dread the phone calls when she is heartbroken or upset about something or other. And it’s not as easy as “just stop stressing “ which has been said to me before.

How do I do it? Any ideas?

What age is she and when did she move away from home? I think there’s a great difference between worrying about a 19-year-old at uni versus a 27-year-old who has her own home and career.

No idea. But you waiting till she gets her results seems sensible to me?

I could have written your post op. I’m in a similar situation with my 26 year old dd (except she’s returned home after living away ) sure we will get roasted on here for being overly protective. I had the total opposite experience with my parents and had to fend for myself from a very young age. Think that’s why I’m the total opposite with my dc.

Two things stand out:

Firstly, what do you have in your life apart from worrying about your DC? Are you busy with work/volunteering/social life/other family. Your DC has not long moved out and now moved away so there will be a big gap of time you need to get filling with something else.

Secondly the phone calls.She rings you, she wants her mum, that's a credit to your relationship. But what does she want from the phone call - for you to fix the problem, for you to rescue her, or most likely just to have a vent and then feel better.

I suspect she feels 1000% better after each call and you feel 1000% worse. If she knew you were dreading the calls, she'd probably feel awful. Have a think about what she is asking of you and it is probably just a listening ear.

And every young woman has inappropriate relationships. I had 2 shockers with guys that had loads of red flags obvious before the end of date 1. Never mind, we live and learn, it's part of being young.

I reckon my mum could have written your post about 20 years ago. She used to tell me she’d never stop worrying about me. I didn’t tell her about all my love life catastrophes but she was a massive support if I was low.

Im not sure how you solve it, I think the distance will help. But you love her and she loves you, you’ll always worry. I think you probably need to trust her and make sure you have plenty of things to keep you occupied.

Thank you all.

I work, have friends, go to gym etc so I’m quite busy. But if there is something going on, it’s always in the back of my mind.
And yep the phone calls. She rings for advice and reassurance and when she is upset, but you are right in that she feels so much better and I feel so much worse. I’d never want her not to ring me though.

I am exactly the same OP, constant worry about mine. Easy to say stop stressing but much harder to do.

I work full-time so that helps take my mind off things. I try and keep busy outside of work with hobbies etc but have ended up overdoing it.

I try and push things to the back of my mind, but doesn't always work

People say that you never stop worrying about your kids, sigh. I try and keep telling myself what is within my control, eg, my son decided to leave his job without having another one to go to. I have to keep repeating to myself that it the situation is out of my control, I couldn't stop him leaving, nothing I could do. Work still in progress

Same here OP but it's gradually getting easier.

Firstly, the waiting for her health results until you book a holiday is a normal rational loving thing to do. You are showing her you are there for her as a supportive mum.

I have been trying to change my mindset and saying to myself - DC is an adult now, she's knows I am here for her but I can't worry about all the decisions she makes. If she chooses a boyfriend I don't think much of then I remind myself it is her life, I am possibly being judgy of him and he could very well great!

I tell myself that I have tried my best (made mistakes absolutely) to give DC the best start in life, with support etc. Any conversations about things are adult to adult with me just outlining any concerns etc.

I know it isn't easy

It sure isnt easy

I think trying actively not to problem solve, not to jump to answer the phone, to wait a bit before replying to messages. I am attempting to do this myself but not always succeeding! My mother was never any sort of support to me so I try always to be there for my kids. Unfortunately I don’t think it helps them build resilience or appreciate the effect it has on me when I jump to help and support .

Thank you all. It’s so hard isn’t it and I can definitely relate to what you are saying.

I always reply to texts immediately and answer the phone straight away. DC on the other hand are the total opposite when I contact them!

I admit I am judgy when it comes to relationships which is unfair. Her last one turned out to be a fabulous young man but I was very wary to start with, especially as the one before was awful.

Im going to try and back off a bit but it’s going to be hard and I’m sure I’ll be back for more support.

Yes, I get it. My DD ‘s last was someone I didn’t like at all. I’m being very eagle eyed with any potential replacements!

I was the same. It got much better once they were settled and happy with a long term partner.

Just bumping these thread for more chat

I think you have to accept that she *doesn't" need you - even if she thinks she does! She has to learn to work things out for herself, just like we all did. By metaphorically hovering, you're not helping her and holding her back. Benign neglect is a good thing - probably how your parents were with you!

I’m the same and my “ children” are in their 30’s . I had lovely supportive parents and I always wanted them to feel they can come to me for support for anything.But like Thatsthewayitisnt, I don’t know if I’ve done them any favours, as it hasn’t seem to build resilience. I have a very active life, lots of friends, interests, hobbies, but I never stop worrying over them .

Came to this thread after thinking about posting much the same, my 24 year old DD has moved home after Uni and travel and seems to have lost her drive and ambition for either her career or personal life, she has ADHD which is definitely a factor. She is very private and will deny she has any worries , refuses to discuss anything sensitive or emotional. And any attempt to offer support or encouragement is seen as criticism anyway , which makes it very difficult as that’s the last thing I want to do.

I’m constantly worrying about her happiness and her future, unable to do anything realistically to help, she’s an adult and her choices are hers to make, but how to stop worrying I have no idea.

I’m trying to be less emotionally involved , telling myself that her happiness is her responsibility , ( even though for many years it was my responsibility ). I need to be able to love and support her but not lay awake at night worrying about her, It’s hard though which is why I’m adding to this thread at midnight instead of sleeping!
And I have other DC that I don’t worry about constantly so it is her circumstances and my reaction to it that is difficult.

I’ve felt the same with my son, he’s mid 20s and has been in a relationship for almost 6 years and we adore his girlfriend and she’s an important part of our family, though I should say ex girlfriend as they’ve split up this week. Long distance hasn’t worked out for them after she moved away last year for work.
I’m trying not to show how heartbroken I am about it, I’ve been blaming my teary eyes on the pollen count.

I’m now back to worrying about him, he has a group of friends but they’re all in serious relationships and are settling down, he’s the only single one and they mostly socialise in couples now so this will be difficult for him. Also worrying about how he’ll meet ‘the one’ (when we thought he already had done) and how many more break ups and heartache he’ll have to go through before then.

I would have loved a mum like you. But for your benefit, try and distract yourself, remember you can't solve these problems, just listen. I struggle not to give advice, but you don't need to give advice. If you're too busy to listen then sometimes it's ok for yourself not to be available at every waking second.

I am the same, but I did notice that when DD was with her last long term partner I completely relaxed, as if I knew he'd look after her in my absence.

They broke up last year and I'm back to worrying! I've tried to work out why, and I think as DD is an only child I maybe worry about her being on her own - but I'd obviously rather she was on her own than with the wrong person.

As PPs have said we worry about our kids, and probably always will. As long as they know we're here for them when they need us, that's all that counts I think.

Mid twenties is still very young, he has loads of time.

Im worrying about my ds. It doesn't seem to end.

True the worrying never ends but I found it easier when dc moved out. I was the one unable to sleep until they came in after a night out etc and I was too involved in their lives.
I agree that when they are in happy, stable relationships things are a lot easier.
After many turbulent years with DD as a teen, we now get on better than ever but she still always comes to me when she is upset. Which is great on the one hand, that I am her go to person, but bad for me because of course I worry.

I have no idea as I am the same as you.
I am only as happy as my children are.

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