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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Help to detach from adult dc’s lives and stop worryingl

84 replies

FluffyWasMyCat · 09/04/2024 18:37

Seems a bit of a dramatic title but what I mean is I want advice on trying to stop being so involved in dd’s life.
I worry to a ridiculous degree about her health, happiness and life choices and it’s got to stop. I’m living my life around her. I’m putting off booking a holiday until she receives some health results in case she needs me. Life is on hold.

Things are a tad easier now that she’s moved 200 miles away so I don’t know what time she is getting home/if she’s getting home etc But I still worry about unsuitable (in my eyes) relationships and choices. She’s a sensible young woman except when it comes to boyfriends as she falls in love so hard and quick. Not that she’s had that many bf’s tbh.

How do I get it into my head that I’ve got to back off and let her get on with things? I absolutely dread the phone calls when she is heartbroken or upset about something or other. And it’s not as easy as “just stop stressing “ which has been said to me before.

How do I do it? Any ideas?

OP posts:
Hiddle1976 · 06/12/2024 09:53

HowIrresponsible · 03/07/2024 08:58

I found myself lying to my mum or not telling her things because of her reactions.

I dreaded telling her anything in the end. Even going on holidays - she would go nuts worrying leading up to it.

Now she died recently. I miss her. Of course I do. However I feel relief that there is no one fussing around me anymore about day to day life and going crazy about normal things in my life.

Watch it!

I'm in my 50's and my mum still treats me like I'm 16. I can't tell her anything she makes it all about her.

ssd · 06/12/2024 21:03

Thatsthewayitisnt · 06/12/2024 09:38

That’s definitely what I’m doing . Unfortunately my kids seem to have far less resilience than I had.

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They hopefully won't need it like we did

Shedoesasshepleases · 09/02/2025 08:33

MadisonAvenue · 15/06/2024 21:13

I’ve felt the same with my son, he’s mid 20s and has been in a relationship for almost 6 years and we adore his girlfriend and she’s an important part of our family, though I should say ex girlfriend as they’ve split up this week. Long distance hasn’t worked out for them after she moved away last year for work.
I’m trying not to show how heartbroken I am about it, I’ve been blaming my teary eyes on the pollen count.

I’m now back to worrying about him, he has a group of friends but they’re all in serious relationships and are settling down, he’s the only single one and they mostly socialise in couples now so this will be difficult for him. Also worrying about how he’ll meet ‘the one’ (when we thought he already had done) and how many more break ups and heartache he’ll have to go through before then.

Edited
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I was looking through this thread to find some solace as my DS early 30s has just split up with long term partner. Only had a text message from him so don't know why. He is not one to want to talk about it. I did get an inkling at Xmas as they are both looking for new jobs which may be in different countries. I am shocked and sad and feel the loss of her. I can't contact her until I have spoken to him, he will visit when they have sorted who is moving out and I may find out more? I worry about him and just looked at his What's App online at 2 this morning.

Pleasestopthebunfight · 11/02/2025 10:24

Shedoesasshepleases · 09/02/2025 08:33

I was looking through this thread to find some solace as my DS early 30s has just split up with long term partner. Only had a text message from him so don't know why. He is not one to want to talk about it. I did get an inkling at Xmas as they are both looking for new jobs which may be in different countries. I am shocked and sad and feel the loss of her. I can't contact her until I have spoken to him, he will visit when they have sorted who is moving out and I may find out more? I worry about him and just looked at his What's App online at 2 this morning.

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I hope you're feeling ok @Shedoesasshepleases
It's very hard not to worry about them isn't it? My DD split from her boyfriend of last year and although they are students and young, and therefore this was a likely outcome, it was a sad time.

Shedoesasshepleases · 12/02/2025 16:21

Pleasestopthebunfight · 11/02/2025 10:24

I hope you're feeling ok @Shedoesasshepleases
It's very hard not to worry about them isn't it? My DD split from her boyfriend of last year and although they are students and young, and therefore this was a likely outcome, it was a sad time.

Show quote history

Thank you @Pleasestopthebunfight I still haven't spoken to DS as he is busy at work and sorting accommodation but (it may be nasty to feel this) I do feel better as he told need it was mostly his decision. I suspect she wanted to settle down to family life and his career means work abroad.

Dittyditty · 13/02/2025 16:30

My hubby has always been a control freak around money.For years I have put up with it but today I fear he has gone too far.
His 48 years old daughter (Who will not be in the same room as me such is her loathing of me)is having an awful time of it with her partner.
Hubby has promised to lend her tens of thousands of pounds to buy him out.I have not been consulted .He had presented it as a done deal.I am furious(Understatement) not about the money but at the way it has been done
When I challenged him he said"I have helped your girls in the past( True but every penny was paid back) That sentence was like a kick in the teeth as he said I and not we.
That sentence pretty much sums it up
There will be no change and I know it will happen again
The thing is , right now I just want out ,but largely we are happy.
Am I being unreasonable in finding his behaviour pretty much a deal breaker ?

CerealPosterHere · 13/02/2025 16:44

No advice but I’m the same. Not helped by the fact dd is still living at home, just been made redundant. Currently on holiday in Asia on her own. Has health issues. I dread every text ping from her! Worry about her work/money situation. Worry about her health.

timetodecide2345 · 13/02/2025 16:46

My oldest is 25 and has just secured a great job. I'm starting to relax finally.

PassTheFork · 18/02/2025 14:21

How has your DS been @Shedoesasshepleases ? Ok, I hope?

DH and I are down and drained again due to worrying about DS(21). Sad for him too. Had him on the phone last night and this morning. DH is usually very pragmatic and can compartmentalise things but I can tell it has affected him this time. Last six months have been quite trying and just when there was light at the end of the tunnel - something else!

He is learning some lessons the hard way at the moment. I was concerned that this would happen, but... on a more positive note I think I have become better at parenting a young adult - at least he feels that he can lean on us for support and be vulnerable without judgement, whilst trying to work it out for himself. Hard all round though and I know it could be worse. Just hope these lessons he is learning make him more resilient and realistic in the long run and don't knock all the optimism and drive out of him.

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