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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Help to detach from adult dc’s lives and stop worryingl

84 replies

FluffyWasMyCat · 09/04/2024 18:37

Seems a bit of a dramatic title but what I mean is I want advice on trying to stop being so involved in dd’s life.
I worry to a ridiculous degree about her health, happiness and life choices and it’s got to stop. I’m living my life around her. I’m putting off booking a holiday until she receives some health results in case she needs me. Life is on hold.

Things are a tad easier now that she’s moved 200 miles away so I don’t know what time she is getting home/if she’s getting home etc But I still worry about unsuitable (in my eyes) relationships and choices. She’s a sensible young woman except when it comes to boyfriends as she falls in love so hard and quick. Not that she’s had that many bf’s tbh.

How do I get it into my head that I’ve got to back off and let her get on with things? I absolutely dread the phone calls when she is heartbroken or upset about something or other. And it’s not as easy as “just stop stressing “ which has been said to me before.

How do I do it? Any ideas?

OP posts:
HowIrresponsible · 03/07/2024 08:58

I found myself lying to my mum or not telling her things because of her reactions.

I dreaded telling her anything in the end. Even going on holidays - she would go nuts worrying leading up to it.

Now she died recently. I miss her. Of course I do. However I feel relief that there is no one fussing around me anymore about day to day life and going crazy about normal things in my life.

Watch it!

Pleasedontdothat · 03/07/2024 08:59

My dad always used to say the first 30 years of being a parent are the hardest ..

allaboardtheplaybus · 03/07/2024 11:53

I'm the same - let me know if you find the answer to this issue!

I've been better since they've both been in serious relationships because their partners can be there to support them but I still worry!

LadyBigBird · 03/07/2024 21:30

Mine came out of a serious relationship a few months ago (I was sad about this) and immediately got involved with someone else. Huge red flags and I can’t see any future in it. His family come from another country and he is planning on going back so will end things. And they both know it’s going to end. Dd insisting she can handle it.

Im worrying and anticipating the heartbreak that will come.

HowIrresponsible · 03/07/2024 21:32

LadyBigBird · 03/07/2024 21:30

Mine came out of a serious relationship a few months ago (I was sad about this) and immediately got involved with someone else. Huge red flags and I can’t see any future in it. His family come from another country and he is planning on going back so will end things. And they both know it’s going to end. Dd insisting she can handle it.

Im worrying and anticipating the heartbreak that will come.

Why heart break?

They both know he's going back. She knows it will end.

Perhaps all she wanted was a rebound fuck buddy and she can handle it.

Thatsthewayitisnt · 03/07/2024 21:54

LadyBigBird · 03/07/2024 21:30

Mine came out of a serious relationship a few months ago (I was sad about this) and immediately got involved with someone else. Huge red flags and I can’t see any future in it. His family come from another country and he is planning on going back so will end things. And they both know it’s going to end. Dd insisting she can handle it.

Im worrying and anticipating the heartbreak that will come.

I could have posted this word for word a while ago. It all ended in tears as you predict.

LadyBigBird · 03/07/2024 22:00

Because she’s head over heels with him and I know her so well. Been there before, although not these exact circumstances She’s stressing now because he’s not wanting to fully commit but that’s understandable from his point of view.
Its definitely going to end in tears.
What can I do?

HowIrresponsible · 03/07/2024 22:01

LadyBigBird · 03/07/2024 22:00

Because she’s head over heels with him and I know her so well. Been there before, although not these exact circumstances She’s stressing now because he’s not wanting to fully commit but that’s understandable from his point of view.
Its definitely going to end in tears.
What can I do?

Edited

Ah.

You can't do anything. Just be there for her when it goes wrong.

Thatsthewayitisnt · 03/07/2024 22:08

HowIrresponsible · 03/07/2024 22:01

Ah.

You can't do anything. Just be there for her when it goes wrong.

Show quote history

I agree. I had to sit back and watch , with a strong feeling it was all a terrible mistake. I didn’t like the bf at all either. I was there to pick up the pieces but it’s been pretty tough on me too. There was a lot of fall out.

lightsandtunnels · 03/07/2024 22:08

Oh goodness I'm just the same with my DD. My DD also lives three hours or so away from me which means I also don't worry day to day about her being home etc as you mentioned. I love that we're close but also dread it as I don't want to hear when she is unwell as it is the worst thing in the world to hear.

What helps me is remembering what I was like at her age. How I got on with things and didn't tell my parents everything and coped with some shitty stuff myself. Also I didn't want my parents to worry about me and I knew that I was a competent, confident young woman. And it was OK, I was OK. And she will be OK OP as she is your daughter, right?! Sending hugs 🤗

Thatsthewayitisnt · 03/07/2024 22:10

It’s all a learning experience and my daughter has learned a lot. She’s in a much much better place now because of it. At the time she was in bits, but it was a step to where she is now.

Pinkbendyman · 03/07/2024 22:11

It’s hard, isn’t it? I worry about my 2 DS, 24 and 25. If they’re happy, then I’m happy. When they smile, I smile. When they’re down, I worry.

I was once told that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child.

All I can say is that you sound like a caring parent who’ll be there if needed.

BruFord · 03/07/2024 22:19

Reading this thread, I think I’m a bit odd as I don’t worry much about DD (19). We talk/text a lot and I’m the person she calls if she’s upset, but somehow I have an inner faith that she’ll make the right decisions.

Perhaps it’s because I was pretty daft at her age (far more than her) and my life’s turned out ok?

That might be one way to allay your worries, OP. You’re making it through life and she can as well. 💐

Original poster
FluffyWasMyCat · 04/07/2024 07:11

I was really sensible when I was dds age. Married with a house and mortgage and living a totally different life to what she’s living now. But from about 15, she was seriously pushing the boundaries and it was a constant battle to reign her in. The arguments we had!!
I can see now I was trying to control her, terrified something bad would happen. Trying to keep her safe. I should trust that she will make the right decisions.

OP posts:
BruFord · 04/07/2024 16:03

@FluffyWasMyCat Of course, having advised you to relax, I was fussing last night because my DD didn’t want to eat her dinner and I said she’s not having a balanced diet…. So I wasn’t following my own advice. 🤣

DD told me to stop fussing and telling her what to do. 🤣

LadyBigBird · 05/07/2024 17:33

@Thatsthewayitisnt the sitting back and watching it unfold is torture. Just had DD on the phone in tears again over her situation. She’s heartbroken now, never mind what she’s going to be like when he leaves, but is determined to keep seeing him till the end. She doesn’t like the advice I am giving. We’ve been here before.

longpathtohappiness · 06/07/2024 08:14

Having a panic attack about my DC. They are 22 and 20 ffs so hardly "DC" anymore but I just can't help it.

Sunshineandrainbow · 07/07/2024 16:59

My new worry is dd has to have her wisdom teeth out.
I was terrified having a tooth out (she doesn't know that) and now I have a black cloud and ache in my tummy worrying about her and how she will be and the appointment is not even booked yet!

LadyBigBird · 07/07/2024 17:45

I feel for you @Sunshineandrainbow. I’d be exactly the same.

Original poster
FluffyWasMyCat · 08/07/2024 08:51

@LadyBigBird I have been through similar.
Dd was seeing someone a few years ago who actually turned out to be a shit. But I was against him from the start for many reasons I won’t go into. My “input” into it caused a lot of arguments and nearly ruined things between me and dd.
So unfortunately you will just have to sit back and watch things unfold or else you will drive her away from you like I nearly did with mine. It’s excruciating though.
I wish I could listen to my own advice 😬

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 08/07/2024 09:01

I once asked my mother when you stopped worrying-she said "I don't know-I've only been a mother for 60 years."

She also once confided in me (she was 90 at the time) that she was worried my brother had early onset Altzheimer's.

I don't think you ever stop worrying, frankly.

Tippet · 08/07/2024 09:11

Honestly, as the adult child of two timid, chronic worriers, you need to be aware that you being unable to control your worry will only push your child away.

I’ve never confided in my parents at all because ordinary drawbacks escalate into an unimaginable catastrophe in their heads, and frankly, that I don’t need. As a result I’ve dealt with CSA, cancer, relationship breakdown, PPP etc solo. Because it’s easier than continually reassuring them. Which then does have the unfortunate effect of meaning I have chosen to see less of them/speak less at times, because I don’t have the energy to perform cheerfulness.

LadyBigBird · 08/07/2024 09:11

Thank you. I am actually quite depressed about the whole situation and moping around the place. I made a few mistakes at work yesterday because my mind was obviously elsewhere which is just ridiculous. And until this thing ends I will still worry.
It kind of helps to know that there are others like me, although I still think there’s nobody out there who is quite as bad.

LadyBigBird · 08/07/2024 09:14

@Tippet that’s very sad.
I do hide my worries from dd so she’s not aware. I never want her to not be able to come to me.

Original poster
FluffyWasMyCat · 08/07/2024 10:29

I too hide from dd just how much I worry.
And I don’t worry about everything.
Any tips on controlling this @Tippet?

OP posts: