Help to detach from adult dc’s lives and stop worryingl

[FluffyWasMyCat]

Seems a bit of a dramatic title but what I mean is I want advice on trying to stop being so involved in dd’s life.
I worry to a ridiculous degree about her health, happiness and life choices and it’s got to stop. I’m living my life around her. I’m putting off booking a holiday until she receives some health results in case she needs me. Life is on hold.

Things are a tad easier now that she’s moved 200 miles away so I don’t know what time she is getting home/if she’s getting home etc But I still worry about unsuitable (in my eyes) relationships and choices. She’s a sensible young woman except when it comes to boyfriends as she falls in love so hard and quick. Not that she’s had that many bf’s tbh.

How do I get it into my head that I’ve got to back off and let her get on with things? I absolutely dread the phone calls when she is heartbroken or upset about something or other. And it’s not as easy as “just stop stressing “ which has been said to me before.

How do I do it? Any ideas?

Bump. Just spent hours on the phone with very upset adult child. I can’t sleep for worrying .

It’s hard op. Sympathy

Dh reminds me that often the dcs call and at the end of the call they walk off whistling, feeling better and I sit there fretting- what the poster below said about that is true.

I'm reading all the parent's posts on "what i wish I knew about university" about how their kids are struggling in their first week, and I'm feeling more sorry for the parents!

Been there done that- I remember the one time I'd barely slept worrying about my dd because she hadn't text me back. Turned out she had made friends with the flat next door and gone round for a party leaving her phone in her room.

My just turned 19 year old DD has just started seeing a 29 year old man. Totally different life stages and I am very concerned. Not sure if I should be? Also there's not much I can do except advise her but I am worrying massively

My dd is struggling with feelings of overwhelm atm due to starting a pgce
I've told her to access support at uni and spent over an hour on the phone yesterday whilst she was on lunch break
It's hard because she still lives at home and her moods are affecting us all
Also, throw a LDR in the mix and I'm finding it really hard to be the one she comes to with it all
Dh way a lot with work so it's all on me
Sigh

@Firstshoes I did the same at 19 (he was 30) and another friend had a 28-year-old bf. Neither relationship lasted.

I wouldn't worry too much as long as he's nice and not controlling. My DD is now 19 and while I wouldn't be thrilled if she starts seeing an older man, I'd be fairly confident that it'll fizzle out.

Thank you so much for that. It is reassuring. He is just so big compared to her too. Very, very muscly. She is a straight A student taking a gap year before uni so is working and saving. Met him at work. He has kids he doesn't see, failed relationships and just totally not who I would think she'd have a relationship with. This is also her first relationship. I am really hoping it will fizzle out like you say. I can't do anything except listen and advise as I'd hate to push her away. I have spoken to her about red flags and controlling behaviour and she is telling me that he is nothing but nice and respectful to her.....but I suppose they all are at the start.

I wish I knew the answer to this.
I'm finding parenting this stage incredibly hard!

DS (20) has a new GF who he is besotted with but the red flags are waving very strong with this one and he just doesn't see it. Principal ones are that she has almost zero work ethic (works very very part-time in a job she doesn't like and no inclination to change it seemingly); no hobbies/clubs other than spending time with DS; hates it at home and want to be at our house all the time (we've put down boundaries that have never been needed with previous GF) to the point where DS has never been to her house or met her mum but she has spent countless nights and days around our house.

I'm far, far too worried about this and I know it isn't helpful!

I woke up this morning thinking to post something like this, so thank you. I am exactly like you OP, if not worse. I have three kids all adults currently living with me and I am killing my self with worry. In fact, I should not be calling it worry, it is over thinking, exaggerating, catastrophizing, to the point that all I feel is anxiety and it is exhausting. My kids are very good, well put together and honestly, I should not worry. Sure, they are not perfect, you know, one has a great job but some health issues, one has a good partner but not such a good job etc. I literally spend every waking moment thinking about every little detail of their life. Currently my oldest, is moving out and while he has a great job, good long term relationship and a good head on his shoulders, instead of being happy and excited for him, I am literally in pain. Worried about missing him, worrying if the relationship will work, if their finances will be ok etc. My mom was exactly the same and I know I hated it, so I am sure my kids do as well, but I cannot help it.

Sorry, no help from me, just a hand hold.💕

I think the main thing at this stage is not passing on our fears and anxieties to our grown up kids. I think a lot of it is due to our age. Im late 50s and what with life, the menopause etcetera, im a bundle of worries and fears. But my kids aren't, or at least i hope they aren't. This is a time for them to be young and fearless and a bit naive. Not to be worrying if we'll cope without them around.

Im not having a dig at anyone. I try to take my own advice. It isnt easy

We had a situation like that when our oldest was 18.
He had a girlfriend who was also in the same year group and she was just like how you describe your son’s girlfriend. She had a part time job and gave that up after a few weeks, gave up on driving lessons and then quit school just weeks before sitting her A levels.
We were worried sick that he’d mess up his own future, he wanted to teach but we were called into school at one point because his standards were slipping and school were concerned he wouldn’t get the A level passes he needed, her influence was actually mentioned.
She was always at our house.

Our son had decided on a local university (we think to keep her happy, she didn’t want him to go away), although he was going to live in halls. The day we moved him in we overheard him talking to her on the phone, telling her not to turn up as he had too much to do. We got there and started moving his boxes in and half an hour later she appeared, and she stood in his tiny room eating a family sized bar of chocolate and crying while we helped him move in.
From what we gathered from things his flatmates said, she was there a lot.

They did eventually break up four months after he’d started at university. They were together for almost two years and all we could do was wait it out and hope that he’d see sense, and he eventually did, but it was such a worrying time so I fully understand how you feel.

Btw, he’s now 27 and thoroughly enjoying teaching in an outstanding secondary school. He’s single and has recently bought a house. I often think of how different his life would’ve been had he not broken up with her though.

Thanks so much for your reply @MadisonAvenue . Great to hear that your son came through the other side and is thriving now!

Son is all booked up to work in Canada for 6+ months - leaving end Dec. Hope this isn’t affected (doesn’t go/cut short/doesn’t enjoy it as much) given how he wants to spend so much time with her and is declaring love so quickly. If she’s still stagnating when he gets back then maybe he will see it. It’s a shame as otherwise she seems like a lovely girl - hope she really just needs some help/guidance/time to get going and she come out the other side of this well too.

Very true @ssd - I’m aware that my age and then menopause are not helping matters! I’m trying to distract myself - I’ve joined a hobby group and the gym in the last two weeks and I’m trying to focus more on my goals. I know I’m doing more harm than good with my worrying. The way you describe it @livelovelough24 is exactly it - catastrophising - yep!!

How old is she again? If getting toward 25 I think try to worry less, if more 18-20 think it's very understandable
Can you remember yourself at the same age, no doubt very independent?
I worry but I try to not think about the tube rides home alone in London etc as even my youngest dc is an adult now

Thank God for this thread. It makes me see I’m not alone.

I’m the same I can’t stop worrying day or night.

I'm sure I've said this before-but when my dd was a baby, I asked my mother when you stopped worrying and she said "I don't know-I've only been a mother for 50 years!"

I don't have any advice, however, I think this is normal for most parents.

It’s never ending it seems. Just had a message from dd who is stressing about something else now. I calm her down and then I start overthinking! So of course it unsettles me.
I honestly don’t think I could cope if she moved back home. Which sounds awful.

I feel better knowing that other mums worry like I do about my adult children. I worry about DS and how isolated he seems. He lives with his Dad and doesn't have any friends, just colleagues. He seems happy enough but I still worry. My biggest worry is DD though. She's 20 and a bit lost at the moment. She has ADHD (currently not medicated) and is struggling to keep a job. She tries so hard and they all love her but around the time when she starts to get the hang of things and feel settled, things start to go wrong. She's failed her probation once, got made redundant after 9 months once and failed at her apprenticeship as she couldn't get on with remote learning so had to leave there too. Her confidence is in the gutter and she's now trying to figure out how to set up her own business which led her into MLMs (luckily she didn't lose any money, just time) and now she's decided to train to do lashes. She has great ideas and is super enthusiastic but struggles to complete anything. I paid for her to become a PT and she couldn't complete the coursework and I'm not confident she will complete her lash training either (self funded). DH (not dad) is not particularly supportive in that he thinks she should get any job to support herself and questions her job ethic etc. He doesn't get the ADHD angle and feel it's an excuse. He's being a bit of a knob about it tbh. He loves her and they have a brilliant relationship overall but this is an area that causes friction between us as he doesn't say any of this to her, just to me. I end up feeling conflicted between my drive as a mum to want to provide support (emotional, practical and to a degree financial) to DD and the views of DH that she's an adult and if I bail her out she'll never learn. She hasn't got a Dad to turn to so I'm it - this no doubt adds to my worry and guilt sigh! Sorry for the long post but after another night waking up at 4am and not being able to go back to sleep for worry, it feels good to get it off my chest. Hugs to all mums ( and dads) who can't stop worrying about their children whether it's needed or not! It's a tough gig!

I’ve got to the point where if anything is going right in their lives I am waiting for the next crisis. The worst thing is that OH is very detached and just doesn’t see how stressed it all makes me. I do most of the hand holding, what’s apping and worrying. My mother doesn’t get it at all as she never was much interested in my life or feelings. Friendships have fallen away in the past few years. So I just feel very alone with it all. Siblings not interested in our family either.

Sometimes i wonder if my continual trying to make life better for my grown up dcs is really subconsciously me mothering myself at their age when i often felt very alone in the world

That’s definitely what I’m doing . Unfortunately my kids seem to have far less resilience than I had.