Living with a messy adult child

[Ellena646]

My son is 19, has a well paid job, a car, good friends... in short he's what I would call a functioning young adult. He lives with me (single mum), pays no rent whatsoever and despite constant reminders (daily) never cleans up after himself. He and his girlfriend – who seems to have accidentally moved in –treat it like a student house; rubbish bags littering the landing; washing up piled up overnight in the sink; my daughter's bedroom (she's at uni)/office used as a dumping ground. We have had daily rows for the past year and I am exhausted. I am at the end of my tether and want to ask him to move out.. am I an awful mother for asking that...? Anyone else facing this problem?

Tell him he has to find somewhere else to live. In the meantime start charging rent. Set a deadline for him to be out.
Do you do anything for him? Shopping/laundry? Stop doing it. Put the rubbish bags back in his room. Basically stop making his life easy.
Tell him you love him but it's time to grow up and take the next step and be independent.

You are not an awful parent, he’s being an arse.
Either he keeps your very reasonable rules, pays for a cleaner or moves out into a house share. Where his fellow housemates will probably train him up or kick him out, unless they are equivalent slobs.
Sharing with adult children only works well if you rethink the relationship. Mummy doesn’t have to fix everything, provide everything and put up with everything. Make it clear to him you are his parent, not his bullied house elf.
Don't make threats you are not prepared to back up though, if you need to have him removed, have a plan.

Why doesn’t he either pay anything or behave respectfully?
My adult daughter pays £300 per month and wouldn’t dream of giving me less - or of moving someone in - she’s messy but she definitely appreciates the advantages living with me still gives her. You need a proper sit down adult discussion with your son, don’t be a doormat it doesn’t show him anything valuable for future relationships.

He does his own laundry and cooking, and buys his own food because I refused to feed his G/F too.. they just leave the kitchen looking like a set from The Young Ones... sticky and grim....

They both need to pay rent or they need to find somewhere else to live.
Any mess is moved back in to his room on repeat until he starts acting like an adult

She is at the local uni and has a shared house up the road... seems to prefer it here where she spends most nights. I wake up to having to small talk with her whilst stepping over their mess every morning, when I complain I get, "yeah we will do it in a bit"... I say, "now please" and they both leave the room. I just would never have dared be like this with my parents... he's a sweet, kind kid I will add but messy and bloody lazy!

I'd tell him his girlfriend isn't allowed to stay over or she can stay a "Wednesday" and Saturday.or whatever suits you that is your house regardless of people who might say well it is his home too . when he starts paying his own rent and cleans up his own crap then it is his house !

Well he isn't sweet and kind he is treating you disrespectfully, if he's old enough to have a good job etc etc he's old enough to show you and the house respect.

she's probably paying money or her parents money for a house that she's never in !

Say the GF cannot stay over anymore as they don't clear up. Your house, your rules.
No conversations about cleaning, just she's not welcome at all. He either starts treating your house and you with more respect or he can move out.

he's a sweet, kind kid

He's not when he's treating you and your home with such disrespect.

Tell him to move out or ship out in the meantime. I'd also tell him that if he hasn't cleaned up in 24 hours all his stuff and his GF's is going to the tip. And follow-through. You're not being a good parent to him if you let him get away with this shite.

Stop worrying about him liking you and sit him down for a sensible chat not at the time of when something needs doing. Say she can’t stay if he will not comply and make sure he chips in for bills. I know I would be chucking all the crap they leave in the kitchen on his bed. Look up what the going rate is for a room with bills included point out you could be making x amount.

He isn’t sweet or kind at all he is taking advantage. Seen this before with single parent friends who don’t have back up to tackle teens and young adults. Read the riot act.

I’ve got this. There’s quite a back story which I won’t go into but it’s a work in progress. He’s doing well but needs constant reminders. I feel your pain.

The best thing I do with mine is have a rota, written on the calendar which includes my own jobs, so that expectations are clear and I can’t be called a nag or eye rolled at if things haven’t been done.

But you wouldn’t be an awful mum to tell him to shape up.

On Monday I sat him down and said "I can't live in this much chaos and mess it's impacting my happiness and if you want to then you have to it in your own place," He's giving me the silent treatment now, telling me I'm a horrible mother and still not doing the chores. I just had a "chat" with his G/F about mud all over the sofa, she apologised but then stomped off. I feel like I'm in some kind of hell....

I don't like reading about parents who force their newly adult children to leave but he and the gf are taking the piss. Rude and disrespectful. He should be contributing and they should be doing things like cooking you tea sometimes since they are there. I think I would give a time limited chance too change with the clear warning that if things do not change hugely in three weeks then the locks will be changed and he will be homeless. I would also say that the gf can only stay 2 nights a week. He can always stay with her temporarily if you have to follow through.

Sweet and kind? He sounds like a selfish little shit to me and his girlfriend. Tell them to go away and disrespect her mothers house. They can see if they get away with it as lightly. While he is living under your roof, he should be paying dig money and respecting his mother and the roof over his head that you provide for him!

What happens when you ask him to pay rent.
I don't know why so many young people are like this, when I was 20 there was no way I'd stay in someone's house without permission, or saying please and thank you. Does she know it's called Imposing?

It is very apparent reading these messages that I have been much too soft. They are indeed "taking the piss". I don't mind if he has a friend to stay but I would like some notice, and for him to ask first? I just wake up every morning and she's here, even when they spend an evening apart.. he goes to get her in the middle of the night from some club (he doesn't party or drink) and wakes me up with them both coming in... I am tired and fed up so thank you for being supportive in a strong way, I need it. My close friends' kids are mainly at Uni so they are not having this experience at all and think I am mean for wanting him to leave...

It's interesting that you mention her mother's house, she's taken lately to telling me that her mum is "so nice" and "too nice" and doesn't make her do anything at home because she's "just so nice"... I am thinking spoilt brat and I don't want my son to become one but looks like it's too late!!

yes he's a grown man behaving like a petulant child the gf sounds no .better but the issue is with your son. he needs to step up and be a man who respects his mum. you are doing nothing wrong. let him sulk !

You are far too soft, how can you allow someone to 'move in by accident'. Tell her immediately that it's no longer acceptable for her to stay over. Tell your DS he has until Christmas and then he moves out.

If you start charging rent they will probably use the argument that 'rent' should include cleaning up etc.

No wonder so many men are useless .. I'm not being heartless, I have a young adult DS myself and I know it's not always easy but no way would I ever let him move someone in. If that means we fall out then so be it. If the GF has Uni accommodation nearby your DS can go and doss with her.

he doesn't have to leave he just needs to respect your house maybe stay at the GFs some nights and ask if she can stay over, it's not a big ask.

Why has she planked her arse at your home then? I wouldn't let her just move in. Ask her what her deal is. Ask her why she thinks it's ok to just move in without any form of communication with you and absolutely no permission to do so! Regarding your son, he has a good job, good friends, he's not a little child, he should know better in life. Stand your ground on this. You're not a doormat, and you deserve respect. You've brought this young man up for 19 years. He should appreciate everything you do for him.

Yeah I just don't know where these kids get their confidence and audacity from: She just comes into my house (it's open plan, you walk straight into the living room) when I'm watching TV or working on my laptop and sits right down infront of me and starts chatting away, I don't mind a "hi how are you?" but read the room!! Then they ask if her mate can come over and watch a film at my house? What? I am so tired of it, I am not her mother...

He should take a leaf out of my little 19 month olds book. He's even learned to put his milk bottle in the sink once he's finished, and he'd probably try and wash it out if he could 😅