Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Living with a messy adult child

91 replies

Ellena646 · 22/11/2023 12:22

My son is 19, has a well paid job, a car, good friends... in short he's what I would call a functioning young adult. He lives with me (single mum), pays no rent whatsoever and despite constant reminders (daily) never cleans up after himself. He and his girlfriend – who seems to have accidentally moved in –treat it like a student house; rubbish bags littering the landing; washing up piled up overnight in the sink; my daughter's bedroom (she's at uni)/office used as a dumping ground. We have had daily rows for the past year and I am exhausted. I am at the end of my tether and want to ask him to move out.. am I an awful mother for asking that...? Anyone else facing this problem?

OP posts:
BusySittingDown · 22/11/2023 14:19

YANBU! He sounds very disrespectful. His girlfriend sounds worse tbh. Behaving like that in your own home is one thing but to do it in someone else's is another. They need to shape up!

My now DH moved in with me and my mum for a while when we were 19. He was nothing but respectful and even gave her board.

BusySittingDown · 22/11/2023 14:23

C2190 · 22/11/2023 13:24

He should take a leaf out of my little 19 month olds book. He's even learned to put his milk bottle in the sink once he's finished, and he'd probably try and wash it out if he could 😅

Aw! Hopefully that continues. When my 12 year old was that age she loved putting stuff in the bin. I had to save toys that she had "tidied away" a couple of times!

She's still very tidy, gets up every morning and makes her bed and makes sure her room is tidy before she leaves for school. However, her 16 year old sister is the complete opposite... 😂🙄

C2190 · 22/11/2023 17:29

BusySittingDown · 22/11/2023 14:23

Aw! Hopefully that continues. When my 12 year old was that age she loved putting stuff in the bin. I had to save toys that she had "tidied away" a couple of times!

She's still very tidy, gets up every morning and makes her bed and makes sure her room is tidy before she leaves for school. However, her 16 year old sister is the complete opposite... 😂🙄

Show quote history

I hope it continues, too! 😅 we have a little game... he puts Teddy and friends in the washing machine, and mummy takes them out 🫠 he thinks it's hilarious 😆 whatever makes them happy, eh ❤️

Original poster
Ellena646 · 22/11/2023 17:53

Tistheseasontobejollytrala · 22/11/2023 13:36

Unless their father left five minutes ago, you can’t palm this off on him. You didn’t instil chores as a normal part of living in a house or basic manners by the look of it. You now have an entitled, rude cocklodger that is your son.
Tell him this arrangement is not working for you, you are sick of discussing it, he has four weeks to find himself somewhere else to live.
And stick to it.
If you have younger children living at home, make some changes to how you parent. You are not a household appliance!

Until he was 18 he had a small allowance that he had to do work for around the house, but then he started earning his own money and just stopped... and yes I expect it is wrong to palm it off onto his dad, except they both talk down to me like I'm dirt on their shoe... so...

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellena646 · 22/11/2023 18:00

UPDATE: So I put all the rubbish in his room, and he went ballistic, told me to "f' off etc, I stood my ground; I then said that no, he couldn't have his GF over to dinner that night, and he said I had no say in it, so I explained how his older sister obeyed the rules of asking before a partner stayed, and I expect the same of him, and he said that he's lonely and she's his only company... I stood my ground, said that he could see her at her house, but I did not sign up to live with another couple so let's reset on that....He got quite abusive, saying I wouldn't have a house if it wasn't for them (this is his father's arsehole rhetoric and wrong), at which point I shouted at him that if it wasn't for me they'd have been raised in a hedge... He packed a bag and has moved out because he can't stand "living with me any longer". I am in tears. It does not feel good.... Oh and a sob story about how his GF now thinks I "hate" her, he's not entirely wrong now, manipulative little witch!

OP posts:
LickleLamb · 22/11/2023 18:18

Boo hoo - horrible pair.
Now you need to change the locks , get yourself busy with your new freedom and enjoy life.
Make sure you appear busy and happy and let the little selfish gits see what it’s like to run a home,care for yourself.
Don’t let him move back.

Meezer · 22/11/2023 18:46

Sorry you got abuse op- it was inevitable if you ever stood up to his poor treatment of you. Give it time to heal and for him to realise how lucky he's been.

So put the kettle on, cuddle the cat/ read a book / have a bath/ ring a friend (or whatever helps you relax!) and remind yourself you are not a doormat but a woman deserving of respect and civility in your own home.

BusySittingDown · 22/11/2023 18:53

I'm so sorry about your update, it's sad that they've treated you that way.

They're in for a rude awakening when they're in the real world.

Stomacharmeleon · 22/11/2023 18:56

Change the locks. Do not back down. You have done the right thing. Well done! It's important that your home is your castle and you need to establish boundaries. Hug!

RaininSummer · 22/11/2023 19:02

Well done. Must feel tough but you have not been unreasonable. He will probably realise this at some point.

C2190 · 22/11/2023 19:03

Ellena646 · 22/11/2023 18:00

UPDATE: So I put all the rubbish in his room, and he went ballistic, told me to "f' off etc, I stood my ground; I then said that no, he couldn't have his GF over to dinner that night, and he said I had no say in it, so I explained how his older sister obeyed the rules of asking before a partner stayed, and I expect the same of him, and he said that he's lonely and she's his only company... I stood my ground, said that he could see her at her house, but I did not sign up to live with another couple so let's reset on that....He got quite abusive, saying I wouldn't have a house if it wasn't for them (this is his father's arsehole rhetoric and wrong), at which point I shouted at him that if it wasn't for me they'd have been raised in a hedge... He packed a bag and has moved out because he can't stand "living with me any longer". I am in tears. It does not feel good.... Oh and a sob story about how his GF now thinks I "hate" her, he's not entirely wrong now, manipulative little witch!

Go you! Well done! You've taken a massive step to regain your freedom and let them know who's the parent and who's not! You should be proud of yourself. Wipe away those tears, pour a nice something of whatever you like to drink, and enjoy the peace. All these stroppy little comments are just typical. He'll sleep on it tonight and wake up feeling rotten of how he spoke to his mother. As for the girlfriend, tell her to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a stupid little twat.

EmmaEmerald · 22/11/2023 19:07

Good for you! Sorry you got that abuse.

Change the locks. He has to earn a key back - if and only if - you want him to have one.

hugs if needed. Honestly, my mum has friends in their 80s with adult sons who never left and now treat their parents like shit. You have done the right thing.

Hatty65 · 22/11/2023 19:30

Good for you! He's not homeless - he can stay at hers. Or he can grow up a bit, apologise to you for his abuse, and sit down to have an adult conversation about how much he needs to contribute financially to live with you and what the house rules are.

If there are two of you living there, and working - why is he not paying 50% of the bills? He's presumably using 50% of the electricity/gas, etc? I don't imagine he can afford this at 19 - but maybe you can come up with a reasonable amount that he should be paying.

My 18 yo DS pays £200 a month board and lodge. He doesn't earn a great deal (NMW) but he can afford to cough up £50 a week for his digs. It would cost him a hell of a lot more in a flat share!

RantyAnty · 22/11/2023 19:45

Well done on standing up for yourself.

Yes it feels bad cause you are still his mum, but this really will be the best for him to grow up a bit and to show you respect and not be abusive.

Change the locks and let him sulk.

Cattiwampus · 22/11/2023 19:57

Don’t cry, it’s not forever. Just until he realises and understands that you are entitled to be treated with respect, and that he needs to pull his weight.
He’s flounced and huffed and will be away a day or a week or so.
Then he will either start setting himself up as a young adult outside the home, or he’ll try and work out a compromise with you.
Stand your ground. You are worth more than being made to feel like a lesser human being. Change the locks and don’t give him a key. If he wants to come in, he needs to knock like a visitor. Outside the nest, the world is a tougher environment and living in it will do him good.

EvenBetta · 22/11/2023 20:02

There’s no need to cry, the aggressive, manipulative slob of a male will be back when he realises he’ll have to fund his own accommodation and won’t like that idea. He’ll need pulled up on his vile behaviour choices before setting foot in your home again.

TammyJones · 22/11/2023 20:02

Stomacharmeleon · 22/11/2023 18:56

Change the locks. Do not back down. You have done the right thing. Well done! It's important that your home is your castle and you need to establish boundaries. Hug!

THIS
Well done op.
We had similar in a manipulative g/f.
When I ask dss to do jobs his g/f said I needed to reduce my working hours so 'I' could do 'his' chores Confused
He left too.
Now as mature adult he has admitted what a muppets he was.
G/f didn't last.

Married with kids now he fully appreciated what we did and we have a great relationship now.

rainbowsparkle28 · 22/11/2023 20:06

.

AluckyEllie · 22/11/2023 20:07

I really hope to see an update saying you’ve changed the locks op. He’s got a good job and car, he’s doing well- it’s time to learn this life lesson. Her uni flat mates won’t put up with him dossing there putting their bills up and leaving the place a mess for long. He’ll realise how easy he had it. Time to rent a place and start paying boring bills like council tax and rent!

2catsandhappy · 22/11/2023 20:48

Dry your eyes lovely. Change the lock. When he tries to come back tell him there are house rules to live by. Remind him that he might want to live with a girlfriend but you don't.

Rent and bills are £200 month. Kitchen must be cleaned up before bed. Shared rooms must be kept clear of his crap. Having a key is dependant on sticking to the house rules.
It is horrible he is throwing his dad's words in your face. Only you can know how best to shut that down.
Onwards and upwards @Ellena646

strawberry2017 · 22/11/2023 21:08

Good for you, the little bastard deserves it. How dare he treat you like that, change the locks and don't give him a key

Mrsjayy · 22/11/2023 21:35

oh no I'm sorry its come to this @Ellena646 but it's for the best at the moment he really doesn't think much of you at the moment but it will pass, good
for you for standing up to him/them. his dad has certainly done a number on him.

Original poster
Ellena646 · 23/11/2023 10:35

Thank you so much everyone for your support. I awoke to a quiet house, which at first felt odd until I went into the very clean kitchen and made a coffee... and breath....

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 23/11/2023 10:46

Get the locks changed.
I'm so sorry he treated you like that, def not ok.

Stomacharmeleon · 23/11/2023 10:50

@Ellena646 see it this way... sometimes we need to reset the balance. Don't contact him, change the locks and reclaim your home. When you feel ready, if you feel ready then decide what is a non negotiable for you eg rent and housework. I do think paying something means he is likely to be more invested in keeping it nice. He needs to start respecting you and your home. No extra waifs and strays unless agreed :)