Living with a messy adult child

[Ellena646]

My son is 19, has a well paid job, a car, good friends... in short he's what I would call a functioning young adult. He lives with me (single mum), pays no rent whatsoever and despite constant reminders (daily) never cleans up after himself. He and his girlfriend – who seems to have accidentally moved in –treat it like a student house; rubbish bags littering the landing; washing up piled up overnight in the sink; my daughter's bedroom (she's at uni)/office used as a dumping ground. We have had daily rows for the past year and I am exhausted. I am at the end of my tether and want to ask him to move out.. am I an awful mother for asking that...? Anyone else facing this problem?

Yeah unfortunately I divorced his dad because he was so disrespectful, rude and unkind to me in front of the kids.. he still tells my son that I am a lazy financial drain just because I got the house in the divorce, which was a good decision from the judge because I had young kids to raise and their dad buggered off overseas and has only seen them once or twice a year in ten years... His role model wasn't great and I wonder if that damage has been done already...

you have to tell him that she isn't welcome to come and go she isn't allowed to live in your house.

it sounds like you are trying he just isn't taking you seriously and when he doesn't like what you say he goes in the huff and gives you the silent treatment.

does she have a key?

It's what his father used to do, and still does. It's no excuse I get that, but I do wonder if some of this stuff is learned and inherited?

That is adorable.. made me smile first one today, thank you.. and keep up the good work!!!

oh definitely learned you are right it's no excuse but yes it's what he's seen on how to behave.

Yes, turns out he gave her one? I did not even get asked...

yeah I'd change the locks or ask for her key. do you feel intimidated by them ?

It's not unfortunate that you divorced his dad. It's an absolute god send. You got rid of a bully, and you should be living your best life, not having to deal with another one. Show your son the true meaning of life and respect. He'll soon realise this is not on and he can't get away with the things he saw his dad getting away with until you finally had enough and got rid of him.

I mean she basically thinks she lives there.

you divorced his dad because he was a terrible husband and father you did the right thing.

Thank you 😊 I'm glad I made you smile. You deserve to smile every day! Don't get me wrong, he throws it at me and says "done" then I give him a little gentle reminder to put it in the sink, and off he goes 😅

Unless their father left five minutes ago, you can’t palm this off on him. You didn’t instil chores as a normal part of living in a house or basic manners by the look of it. You now have an entitled, rude cocklodger that is your son.
Tell him this arrangement is not working for you, you are sick of discussing it, he has four weeks to find himself somewhere else to live.
And stick to it.
If you have younger children living at home, make some changes to how you parent. You are not a household appliance!

Its not too late ! Tell your son that if he wants to be treated like an adult then he ( and his GF) need to pay rent and bills like every other adult has to. Tell him that you are no longer financially responsible for him and that he either pays or moves out. I would then bag up all of his 'stuff' that is causing you stress and label it stating that if he doesn't deal with it in 24 hrs you will throw it all in the bin. Then you need to divide the household chores so that he is pulling his weight with that too. Adults have to do all of these things to be able to function and so should he. I have two sons and have been through this with both of them. My eldest moved into his own place this year and we get on so much better

ask for the key back ! its not your son's to give

He should be paying at least his share of the bills/food.

He needs to tidy up, or find somewhere else to live. It's as simple as that.

Tell him you would like a chore board for Christmas, if he asks why? Tell him, "Because you'll be pulling your weight around here, sunshine, any everything I write on that board you and your little girlfriend will be doing otherwise you'll be wearing the same underwear for a week"

I suspect the message he has got from his Dad actually has some influence on this - that the house is only yours because of DS (and he thinks of it on some level as his, hence giving his gf a key without asking you).
You have indulged him over a long period of time for this behaviour to be the norm but that's not to say you are willing to put up with it anymore..
What is the outcome you want here? Him to leave or him to pull his weight? Decide. What you lay out now though you must be willing to carry through otherwise he will continue to treat you poorly.

Far from being an awful mother, I think toughening up on them is the best thing you could do. They both sound lazy and entitled, letting them carry on is really doing them no favours, let alone the effect on you.

The girlfriend lives with you by stealth when she has her own house share, what? Tell them she can stay over once or twice a week, if you’re ok with that.

Why doesn’t he pay rent? Tell him to set up a bank transfer on a set date or move out.

This is hard reading OP. You're being taken advantage of big time.

I think I'd be sitting down to say:

• GF can stay over x night only (Saturdays, whatever)

-Here are what chores you must do -Rent of whatever nominal amount due every week, on the monday -If the above doesn't improve by a week's time you'll be having one more conversation and then changing the locks.

He is massively, massively taking the piss.

If neither of them are prepared to respect you or your environment then they don't get to stay in it. They are behaving like selfish, spoilt brats not functioning, reasonable adults.

Change the locks, do not give your son a key, hide the keys and state clearly he has proven he is unable to behave as the adult he is so you cannot trust him with a key and will treat him as the child he is behaving as.

Perhaps the girlfriend can go back to her mums with him but I bet you he would never behave the way he is with you in her house or a friends house.

If they want to be treated as adults they need to behave like adults and take responsibility.

Get tough, they shape up or ship out.

That must be upsetting, I'm sorry you're experiencing that and enraged on your behalf.

How dare they both behave like that towards you while living rent free in your house, treating it and you with disrespect.

Find your anger, OP. Change the locks. They have somewhere to go - her place.

He needs to learn a lesson. Unfortunately teenagers an young adults can be dicks.

Don't capitulate - he's giving you the silent treatment in the the hope and expectation that you'll roll over and give him his way. I suspect he's done it before.

After the way he and GF have responded to OP's multiple requests I wouldn't give them a week, no way.

Dear Op,
Practical advice from a mum who's been there:
You need to toughen up- and it will get worse before it gets better.
1- talk to your son --house rules (eg rent, what he has to do as part of the household, whether o/n guests are allowed- and if so how often, costs, notice, where they have access to etc). State clearly if he doesn't agree he has x weeks to move out and confirm exact end date.
2- If he chooses to stay, clear consequences if he doesn't follow the house rules BUT YOU MUST BE PREPARED TO FOLLOW THEM ( eg written x weeks notice after which time you will change the locks, and he can make an appointment to collect any remaining stuff. He's a working adult, he won't end up on the streets).
If you see his girlfriend state you want the key back, and the guest rules.
Your son and his girlfriend have no reason to respect your home as you are such a pushover. When you are clear they will rant at you - mine was annoyed but as soon as he started looking at local rental costs realised living at home was a good thing. We had 2 more (quite good) years of him at home pulling his weight before he moved out and now he says how much he appreciated us supporting him after he left Uni (he didn't say that at the time!)