Page 4 | Living with a messy adult child

Ellena646 · 2023-11-22T12:22:36+00:00

My son is 19, has a well paid job, a car, good friends... in short he's what I would call a functioning young adult. He lives with me (single mum), pays no rent whatsoever and despite constant reminders (daily) never cleans up after himself. He and his girlfriend – who seems to have accidentally moved in –treat it like a student house; rubbish bags littering the landing; washing up piled up overnight in the sink; my daughter's bedroom (she's at uni)/office used as a dumping ground. We have had daily rows for the past year and I am exhausted. I am at the end of my tether and want to ask him to move out.. am I an awful mother for asking that...? Anyone else facing this problem?

Stonemaiden · 23/11/2023 11:10

You have done the right thing. It must have been very difficult. I'm firmly of the opinion that there needs to be some kind of break in the child:adult relationship so you can reconnect adult:adult. It can be very painful and it has happened with all my children at different ages. My son took off to live wity his gf and her family at 19 (miles away) They seemed to offer more than I could at the time. The relationship didn't last, but it did make him more independent, and he also recognised that as a parent I'm actually ok.
Your lad is still young. Chances are it won't be all roses (presumably at her mum's place) And can you imagine how the story will go down out with his friends....' I left home because my horrible mother tried to make me tidy up after myself'. Most of them will laugh - or be horrified!

Enjoy the peace and quiet, it's not the end of your relationship. Hopefully he will do a bit of growing up. Give him space, be gracious if he extends any kind of olive branch, and think about having good boundaries in place for if and when he comes home. If you have an otherwise decent relationship, he'll come around 💐

Original poster

Ellena646 · 23/11/2023 13:10

Stonemaiden · 23/11/2023 11:10

You have done the right thing. It must have been very difficult. I'm firmly of the opinion that there needs to be some kind of break in the child:adult relationship so you can reconnect adult:adult. It can be very painful and it has happened with all my children at different ages. My son took off to live wity his gf and her family at 19 (miles away) They seemed to offer more than I could at the time. The relationship didn't last, but it did make him more independent, and he also recognised that as a parent I'm actually ok.
Your lad is still young. Chances are it won't be all roses (presumably at her mum's place) And can you imagine how the story will go down out with his friends....' I left home because my horrible mother tried to make me tidy up after myself'. Most of them will laugh - or be horrified!

Enjoy the peace and quiet, it's not the end of your relationship. Hopefully he will do a bit of growing up. Give him space, be gracious if he extends any kind of olive branch, and think about having good boundaries in place for if and when he comes home. If you have an otherwise decent relationship, he'll come around 💐

Thank you for this... and it is good to be reminded that yes, if he recites the events leading up to it, it might take on a different meaning... I have to hold on tight that this won't be the end of our relationship. He moved out yesterday after a row, but came back today for some of his stuff with hugs and loving affirmations that he feels we are "stepping on each other's toes" so he's going to get an Airbnb while he looks for a flat. I wish that he had left more gracefully and not under a cloud but it is what it is... He is at his GFs and I am worried that she is bad mouthing me; she's already doing the "your mother hates me" routine... he's so gullible sometimes that I worry she is going to come between us...

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 23/11/2023 13:33

keep your relationship with the gf separate. you don't have to like her be civil. Your son is with her so she can't come between you because there isn't a "choice " if she badmouths you let her but keep up communication with your child ask about her once in a while bur keep it light don't go down the emotional she's taking my son route that won't end well.

Mrsjayy · 23/11/2023 13:35

as for your son he's excusing his behaviour but that's up to him at least he is being pro active and looking for somewhere to live where he can keep it as he likes.

yesyesitsaparkingone · 23/11/2023 13:48

Just keep saying, ‘But I think Mary is wonderful, such a lovely girl’.

pp are right, you need to break the adult child relationship (just in relation to ‘caring for him’), because what’s the alternative? Living with you when he’s 45 and you’re still washing his socks and making his lunch and Sunday dinner? It is totally fine to have it all ‘your way’ jn your house. Not like a dictator, but like, get some new cushions and have them exactly your way. Change some things in your house to suit YOU, so that when he comes back he feels like ‘god mums house is just so fussy and she’s getting so rigid, I should go and live with Ben and Tom in their student house that is a cheerful kip, we can drink beer and game all night’. Or whatever.

Both my parents are near freaks, HATE their stuff being moved and are prone to clearing up your mug when your tea is half drunk, lecturing on The Use of Coasters, The Right Way to Handwash Woollens, and The Correct Placement of Tea Spoons in The Dishwasher.

Co-incidentally, i haven’t lived with either of them since I was about 18 or 19. It could well all have been part of a master plan on their part, come to think of it. 😁

Original poster

Ellena646 · 23/11/2023 14:04

yesyesitsaparkingone · 23/11/2023 13:48

Just keep saying, ‘But I think Mary is wonderful, such a lovely girl’.

pp are right, you need to break the adult child relationship (just in relation to ‘caring for him’), because what’s the alternative? Living with you when he’s 45 and you’re still washing his socks and making his lunch and Sunday dinner? It is totally fine to have it all ‘your way’ jn your house. Not like a dictator, but like, get some new cushions and have them exactly your way. Change some things in your house to suit YOU, so that when he comes back he feels like ‘god mums house is just so fussy and she’s getting so rigid, I should go and live with Ben and Tom in their student house that is a cheerful kip, we can drink beer and game all night’. Or whatever.

Both my parents are near freaks, HATE their stuff being moved and are prone to clearing up your mug when your tea is half drunk, lecturing on The Use of Coasters, The Right Way to Handwash Woollens, and The Correct Placement of Tea Spoons in The Dishwasher.

Co-incidentally, i haven’t lived with either of them since I was about 18 or 19. It could well all have been part of a master plan on their part, come to think of it. 😁

Yeah when I was 20 my parents down-sized to a one bedroom house and bought a two seater sports car; in other words, "you can all bugger off now, bye"!! I can spend today shopping for coasters and cushions...

OP posts:

Original poster

Ellena646 · 23/11/2023 14:07

Mrsjayy · 23/11/2023 13:33

keep your relationship with the gf separate. you don't have to like her be civil. Your son is with her so she can't come between you because there isn't a "choice " if she badmouths you let her but keep up communication with your child ask about her once in a while bur keep it light don't go down the emotional she's taking my son route that won't end well.

Yeah I said to him this morning, "I think she is lovely and I'm just so surprised she thinks I hate her..." I will leave it there for now... I actually think she is a manipulative spoiled madam... I mean she told me a while ago that her dad would bring her breakfast on a tray in bed every morning before school... oh good luck with that my son is no-one's house elf!!

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 23/11/2023 17:34

she does sound spoiled but as you said you have been nice about her so she maybe likes a bit of drama, let it wash over you like you are doing. hopefully it will all settle down.

smileannie · 23/11/2023 19:50

Unfortunately you are going to have to go tough love. It’s very hard to do but ultimately works. I had a similar situation with daughter 20 yrs old. As a consequence she has gone from teenage behavior to that of a young adult. She understands the value of money and general respect. You are not doing your son any favors, he will have to be responsible for himself at some time and the longer you leave it the harder for you both. Good luck, you’ll be glad you did it.

hellsBells246 · 24/11/2023 07:21

I'd stop blaming your son's gf for his poor behaviour and blame him. He chose to bring his gf to your house, give her a key, tell you to fuck off, disrespect your house, etc. that's all on him.

Any young man who does that is not sweet and kind; they're selfish and entitled.

Enjoy the peace and quiet! I'm sure that after your son has lived in the real world for a while he will appreciate you more. It's a hard lesson, and sometimes a Dc has to move out to learn it!

Stonemaiden · 24/11/2023 07:44

Ellena646 · 23/11/2023 13:10

Thank you for this... and it is good to be reminded that yes, if he recites the events leading up to it, it might take on a different meaning... I have to hold on tight that this won't be the end of our relationship. He moved out yesterday after a row, but came back today for some of his stuff with hugs and loving affirmations that he feels we are "stepping on each other's toes" so he's going to get an Airbnb while he looks for a flat. I wish that he had left more gracefully and not under a cloud but it is what it is... He is at his GFs and I am worried that she is bad mouthing me; she's already doing the "your mother hates me" routine... he's so gullible sometimes that I worry she is going to come between us...

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I think you'll be ok! He is embarking on a big learning curve and I imagine he will probably soon be back. Independent living is not cheap...
I'm pleased you parted on good terms more or less. No shortage of love between the two of you.
I also wouldn't be surprised if all is not as his girlfriend would have it seem with her parents. Stick with what you're doing there (think what you like and continue to be polite to and about her) The relationship between them is very unlikely to last.
Enjoy the peace in the meantime.

FarEast · 24/11/2023 07:53

Good for you standing your ground. He’ll come round …

muchalover · 02/01/2024 22:54

I have 4 adult children who have always paid a share of the bills. If they didn't it would have infantalised them and they are adults. With freedom comes responsibility. I think you are damaging your son by setting the bar so low.

Whilst he may not last with this GF another may find herself picking up after him, paying for everything and also being some sort of handmaiden which will be awful after any children. You aren't supporting him to develop emotional intelligence or adult skills.

My DS pays £700 a month because that's what it costs and I'm not a charity. He would pay double that in a house share. You also need to charge your son for a cleaner and his GF.

You are no longer mothering him but sharing a home together. Create a contract or he moves out. Silent treatment is a sign of narcissism which isn't a nice trait to have.

stomachameleon · 02/01/2024 23:36

@Ellena646 how was Christmas and how are things?

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/01/2024 23:47

I think you will find us a relief that he has moved out. It's a shame he went under those circumstances, but he was hardly going to leave if things were going well!

I think I would say about his girlfriend, how strange that she doesn't think I like her. I was very welcoming to her and after all she was living here without paying any rent or food bills. Why on earth would she think I didn't like her?

Zee99 · 04/01/2024 22:06

I read the whole thread, it was soo good to read all your views. Reassuring that am not going mad in this strange world we live in today where often children think they have a born right to do whatever they want. I just read the riot act to my 19 year old daughter who comes back and thinks she is in a hotel with a maid service.
it is sooo tough to be tough but I know I am doing the right thing. If I don’t teach her, life will most likely teach her a bigger lesson. Also …. I am tired, fed up and I want to take it easier now!! It was a hard 20 years 😂