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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

DD has moved out and doesn’t answer her phone

93 replies

foxglovegirl · 08/10/2023 11:34

DD (19) has moved into her boyfriend’s house (with his family) as it’s close to the uni she is at. She also has a job there. Whenever I call her mobile she never answers… her phone is glued to her and when she’s with us at our family home she answers instantly to her boyfriend…

Am I being over sensitive? She has never answered my call when I ring her, she always gets back to me at some point during the day or the following day… but very often when I check her location, she’s just at her boyfriends house chilling…? Not sure how to approach the conversation without feeling like I’m bugging her… am I being unreasonable to feel slightly irked when she never picks up her phone to me, her dad and her brother?

I also don’t feel like I can ever have a conversation with her without her boyfriend being in the background.

OP posts:
hotcandle · 08/10/2023 11:38

How are you tracking her location? Do you have a tracker on her phone?

vodka4mum · 08/10/2023 11:43

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MrsPerfect12 · 08/10/2023 11:43

Why are you phoning her? if it's just a chat, text, I used to hate my mum calling me and firing questions one after the other - also speaking as a mother of a 19 DD at uni.

IHaveAskedYouThriceNow · 08/10/2023 11:45

I think all you can do is let her get on with it.

Keep her up to date with family news, keep channels open, but allow her to have her independence.

I don’t know how normal it is to have find my iPhone with adult children - I do, at DD’s insistence, and other parents I know use it with their dc.

Original poster
foxglovegirl · 08/10/2023 11:51

Not that it needs justifying, as find my iPhone is a very popular app for many security reasons. It’s always been set up incase the kids lose their phones, we set them up after her phone was stolen once, it means I can erase her phone and content if it’s lost or stolen in the future. Likewise she can do the same to my phone! find my iPhone is a VERY common app! This isn’t about me tracking her, I don’t have time for that… if I have sent a few snaps over a weekend, and messages, and if I’ve not had not reply then yes, I will check her location to make sure she’s safe!

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 08/10/2023 11:56

She's 19. You do not need to use findmyiphone to check constantly that she is safe. She is an adult. Back off.

AutumIsOrange · 08/10/2023 12:05

If my mum sent me numerous messages over the weekend and called if I didn’t reply (and then went to to check my location), I too would be calling back on my own terms. It sounds quite smothering.

Marblessolveeverything · 08/10/2023 12:08

I think you need to step back she is 19 you haven't mentioned any mitigating circumstances.

Let her have some space and drop a text ask when a good time to ring and let her be.

feathermucker · 08/10/2023 12:09

But she hasn't lost her phone, nor does she need to check your location.

Doing this, and having the ability to do it, is only going to exacerbate your anxiety in regards to her not getting back to you as quickly as you feel she should.

Give her some space.

Blough · 08/10/2023 12:10

wtf

Many people don’t enjoy calls, you’re sending photos, messages, trying to call her and tracking her? I wouldn’t tolerate this if I were her.

MadamVastra · 08/10/2023 12:11

What I find funny is that when I call them they never answer but god forbid i miss a call from them! When I point this out I get 'well what else are you doing apart from being my mum and awaiting my calls?'

WandaWonder · 08/10/2023 12:11

I would be getting a new phone if I was her

SecondUsername4me · 08/10/2023 12:12

How often are you calling? If you need something from her can you text? Or "hey, fancy a catch up, call me when you are free"

Maybe she moved out for a reason?

fieldsatnightfall · 08/10/2023 12:13

Leave her alone to enjoy herself and her time doing what she wants. She will contact you when/if she wants to. As it seems she already does.

And stop tracking her! She's an adult! It's very weird that you do that! Just because it's set up doesn't mean you need to use it in this instance!

Mrsjayy · 08/10/2023 12:13

Just send her messages that's what I do why are you phoning her ? My dds only phone for a reason not t o chat.

fattytum · 08/10/2023 12:13

you dont need to call at all, if you are messaging. I only message my adult children at uni, I don't call them, ever.

They never call me unless its "Mum, I'm standing at the front door and can't get in cos you've left the key in the lock"

BoohooWoohoo · 08/10/2023 12:14

People are picking up on the tracking because it's really weird to have tracking set up for an older teen. Let her live her life. If she loses her phone then she can use a laptop to delete her phone content.

She's not answering because she doesn't want to talk to you because her bf or family are in earshot so she is embarrassed to have a proper chat or she doesn't want to talk to you at all. Have you tried texting ragging then calling so it's more "private"? I'm going to assume that the bf doesn't read her messages. I have a daughter at uni and while we text I try not to text too often because she has her life to get on with.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/10/2023 12:14

She doesn't want to, clearly. And as an adult, she doesn't have to.

Bugging her is exactly what you would be doing if you brought this up.

Mrsjayy · 08/10/2023 12:14

Also turn off the iPhone thing you don't need to be checking where she is that's creepy!

CyberCritical · 08/10/2023 12:16

She might 'just be at the house chilling' but that doesn't actually mean she's available to take your call.

She might be on the toilet, cooking, having sex, in the middle of uni work..... just because it's a time when you are free and want to chat, doesn't mean it's a time when she is free and wants to chat. She's calling you back so she's not gone AWOL.

Grimchmas · 08/10/2023 12:17

Does she know how much you're checking her location? Because you have crossed the line from reasonable to be concerned mother to stalker. Please stop doing that.

Try texting her to see when it would be convenient for you to ring.

Broodywuz · 08/10/2023 12:17

This puts the fear in me at the thought of my dc growing up and not being particularly interested in staying in touch often.
However I remember well being 19, 1st proper boyfriend, moving away for collage and going through a stage of feeling very independent and like my parents were just annoying. Give her space and I expect she'll get better in time

BCCoach · 08/10/2023 12:17

She’s busy, which is why she calls back later, when she isn’t busy. I do exactly the same. My DPs are extraordinarily good at calling during dinner, or during DC’s music practice, or while I’m out for a run, or while I’m working. So calls gets ignored and I call back when I have time.

SaracensMavericks · 08/10/2023 12:18

Sorry OP but you are being unreasonable. Give her a little space. Don't you remember being that age and wanting your independence?

Dessertinthedesert · 08/10/2023 12:19

Your behaviour will push her away if you don’t stop it.