Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DD has moved out and doesn’t answer her phone

93 replies

foxglovegirl · 08/10/2023 11:34

DD (19) has moved into her boyfriend’s house (with his family) as it’s close to the uni she is at. She also has a job there. Whenever I call her mobile she never answers… her phone is glued to her and when she’s with us at our family home she answers instantly to her boyfriend…

Am I being over sensitive? She has never answered my call when I ring her, she always gets back to me at some point during the day or the following day… but very often when I check her location, she’s just at her boyfriends house chilling…? Not sure how to approach the conversation without feeling like I’m bugging her… am I being unreasonable to feel slightly irked when she never picks up her phone to me, her dad and her brother?

I also don’t feel like I can ever have a conversation with her without her boyfriend being in the background.

OP posts:

OhComeOnFFS · 08/10/2023 12:57

If I were the OP I would feel hurt that she's talking to her boyfriend's mum every day and yet doesn't answer my calls or reply to my texts. It's not unreasonable to feel hurt about that.

ArtAndMusic · 08/10/2023 13:06

By saying her boyfriend is always in the background, are you thinking that her boyfriend is controlling her? If so, all you can do is let her know you're there whenever she needs you. Invite her to do things with you when she's home etc and try to not judge.

If not, then you need to just let her live her life. She is calling you back at a later time which is fine.

I have a nearly 20 year old at uni. I generally text before calling rather than just call and he does the same. Sometimes we just have a text chat, sometimes we'll have a phone call there and then, sometimes later. Life is busy and as long as we know everyone is ok, then that's what's important.

Hbh17 · 08/10/2023 13:06

Should have said determined NOT to pick up the phone!

jenpil · 08/10/2023 13:07

No wonder she moved out! 😂

ArtAndMusic · 08/10/2023 13:09

To add, we all have find my iPhone, our son is fine with it. We're not constantly tracking him, we rarely use it but we all have at times. For people with healthy relationships where everyone is happy to have it, it's nothing terrible.

Sparkletastic · 08/10/2023 13:11

I get how hard it is to let go when they are away at uni. On the whole that generation aren't massively into phone calls. Text, voice note or WhatsApp are all better bets to keep in touch in an unobtrusive way. My DD (3rd year at uni) and I message pretty much every day but we never call each other unless prearranged for a mutually convenient time.

ssd · 08/10/2023 13:19

I really dont get the problem with the op wanting to hear from her dd a bit more. Some of you sound unhinged.

arintingly · 08/10/2023 13:23

I think it's a generational shift.

My team is mostly 20 somethings and it's not unusual for them to say "I have chased and chased and not had a reply about .." when I say "have you tried phoning?" they say "what cold call?" these are our colleagues!!

Basically the accepted norm is to text for bloody everything. Half the time young folk won't even ring a doorbell but text from outside.

Text her and ask for a good time to chat.

LimeCheesecake · 08/10/2023 13:26

OP - your dd is an adult who doesn’t live with you anymore, while it’s fine for you to have “find my phone” set up on your phone, that should be purely in order to find the phone if it is lost /shut it down is stolen. You should never use it to check up where another adult (who doesn’t live with you) is. That is unreasonable.

your dd clearly doesn’t like random phone calls. You can persist and have her continue to ignore your calls /be angry at you, or you can try to find a new way of contacting her that works for you both.

how about texting /quick WhatsApp- “free for a chat?” If she says no, follow up with “ok when works for you?”

She does call you back when she ignores your call, so it does seem she’s happy to talk to you, just when it suits her not just you.

and before you say that she’s your dd so you shouldn’t make an appointment for a call, you need to focus on finding a way for you two to talk that suits you both.

willWillSmithsmith · 08/10/2023 13:26

Just text her. Most people her age don’t want to be talking on the phone unless it’s a romantic partner or best friend.

I hate talking on the phone and will only answer if it’s my kids (as that would be rare) or my sister. Anyone else can text. I always text my kids as I honestly don’t think they’d answer the phone. My younger one certainly wouldn’t.

Dontcallmescarface · 08/10/2023 13:28

ssd · 08/10/2023 13:19

I really dont get the problem with the op wanting to hear from her dd a bit more. Some of you sound unhinged.

It's not the "wanting", I mean, I'd love to hear from my DD more it's the expectation that a phone call/text from the OP should be answered immediately by her DD. The DD does get in touch by the OP's own admission , "She has never answered my call when I ring her, she always gets back to me at some point during the day or the following day" but the OP seems to think that's not good enough and, speaking only for myself obviously, that is where the OP is BU.

TammyJones · 08/10/2023 13:47

ssd · 08/10/2023 13:19

I really dont get the problem with the op wanting to hear from her dd a bit more. Some of you sound unhinged.

Wanting is one thing.
I'd love ti hear from mine.
But once they are 18 you have to respect them / give them their space, to develop into healthy mature adults- then you can build good relationships with them.
Chase / track / demand - and they are gone.
See it all the time.
How many people would be happy being tracked by their mum?

DawsonWins · 08/10/2023 14:04

@foxglovegirl when ds moved out last year, it took us some time to find a system that was working for all us.
ds will nit speak over thé phone (but yes he does speak to his gf and friends but not to me ‘because it’s awkward and I don’t know what to say’…).

So now we have an agreement it’s WhatsApp for everyday stuff, text fur important stuff and phone call if there is a danger to life😁😁

It has been an issue because I git some news health wise beg of last year, didn’t want to let him know over a text. I ended up waiting a few more weeks until he was back home. I think it shocked him and made him realised that staying in contact was important!
But I know I’m not going to get him to answer the phone and you can’t force people to do so if they don’t want to….

DawsonWins · 08/10/2023 14:09

Fwiw my issue with text is that it’s not a conversation. You have two sentences, am emoji but tbh rarely have any idea what’s going on or if they are ok.

I usually learn dc1 has been unwell through SM 😵‍💫😵‍💫
dc2…. we get 3 words answers.

im not sure this generation realises it’s not ’staying in touch’ with people.

jlpth · 08/10/2023 14:09

sunshinesupermum · 08/10/2023 11:56

She's 19. You do not need to use findmyiphone to check constantly that she is safe. She is an adult. Back off.

to be fair, the OP using findmyiphone is not actually impacting her dd in any way, unless the OP follows up with a phone call

both my teens have findmyiphone and my mum is on our family as well. so my mum can track me, dh and both teens and we can all track eachother. nobody has a problem with this - I'm 45 and my mum can and does track me anytime she wants. what's the big deal? I'm not visiting MI5. My mum can and does track my dh and so do I. he's going to his office or visiting clients. None of us care about being tracked by family members who are primarily concerned for eachotehr's safety and rough return time. If dh is on a train, I can track him and see when he'll likely return.

Wishingwell57 · 08/10/2023 14:17

autumniscomingsoon · 08/10/2023 12:24

Yeah I get the OP is perhaps being a bit too full on but I don't think it's too much to contact your mum if you know she's wants you to, it's the kind thing to do. I think it's really weird the idea of saying the OP's daughter is an adult so she doesn't have to. No, she doesn't but normal adults who want to maintain supportive relationships with relatives give back and not just take.

I agree with this. You don't stop loving your children as soon as they turn 18.
As for the tracking - you can't be certain that she's safe, just by tracking her phone. It's the phone's location, which may not be the person's.

WallaceinAnderland · 08/10/2023 14:20

I can be hard to adjust to not speaking as often as you are used to but please give her space OP. She doesn't have to respond to you and the more you push, the more she will back away.

Try and leave it longer between messaging/calling and just get on with your life. Cutting the apron strings is often harder for the parent than the young adult but it has to be done.

fishfingersandtoes · 08/10/2023 14:25

I almost never answer my phone either except to my husband, and DD. It's usually because I'm in the middle of doing something and I don't want to be interrupted. Perhaps your DD is the same. Imagine when you were younger having your mum ringing you at that frequency

zeibesaffron · 08/10/2023 14:31

@MadamVastra you are spot in - my DD 17 (still at school!) will never answer my calls/ texts even though the phone is glued to her - she seems to be able to answer her BF and friends in nanoseconds though!

If she needs me and I don’t answer in 10 seconds I get;

Mum
Then Mum
Then Mum where are you
Then Mum
Then Mum answer me
Then Mum this is important

This exchange is normally 2 mins long and generally because I am at work and she is at school. My daughters important thing this week was ‘could I find out how much a particular concerts tickets are!’. I mean really???

OP - In terms of 19yo I have one of those too - he was away with his mates recently for a week and I just negotiated with him he would check in (to make sure he was alive) every few days. To be fair he did - all he said was - all good Mum! and that was enough for me.

Perhaps just negotiate with her - its not unreasonable to have a catch up once a week - whether thats just ‘do you need anything’ or a text exchange. I also have find my phone with my 19yo his choice especially when he is out, may have had a few drinks and needs some help/ picking up.

RedSquirrelsRock · 08/10/2023 14:40

I wouldn't dream of doing this to my dc, we text and sometimes chat but as long as I know they are okay and still breathing I let them get on with their lives.

Fulshaw · 08/10/2023 14:40

MN always loses its collective mind over FindMy but in real life, lots of people use it. I have about ten people on mine, friends and family, and usually use it to check where they are before I phone them because there’s no point if they’re in the supermarket or on a train or whatever. Totally normal.

I do think phone calls are going out of fashion though, especially with the young. I’d stick to messaging her.

Ladyj84 · 08/10/2023 14:41

You would push me away if you were my mum and did this. 19 I'm an adult, I have a bf, I'm at uni and making my own way and hard for a mum as it is leave me alone..The location thing sorry that's weird

RedSquirrelsRock · 08/10/2023 14:42

Phone calls might be going out of fashion but future generations will lose the use of their larynxs through lack of use.
Still with some people that might not be a bad thing....

krakenworst · 08/10/2023 14:44

@foxglovegirl you have had many batshit responses and I wouldn’t blame you if you never came back to this thread.

the find my friends thing is not weird at all! Presumably you and your DD trust each other not to abuse it ( as I and my adult DC do the same) …. Carry on as you were!

one of my adult DC used to be terrible at keeping in touch in the first few years away from home. I just had to accept that unlike her siblings she didn’t want to have regular chats or messages with me/her siblings. It hurt but I managed to not take it personally ( after a while) ….

what I did was just ping her once a week, letting her know I was thinking of her, hoped she was Ok and lots of love. If I included a photo of the dog I sometimes got a response!

but as soon as she had any sort of crisis, she called me and we were back to close Mum and daughter.

now she’s fully established and working I hear from her more but not as much as her siblings. Which is fine. I still feel close to her and we have lovely times together. Plus I know she will turn to me if she needs to.

and yes all 6 of us adults still have each other on find my friends.

Millybob · 08/10/2023 14:52

I thought you were going to say that she'd been missing for six weeks or more.
Get a grip! She phones back next day! Would you have interrupted shagging your boyfriend to speak to your mother???

Flip

1 2 3 4