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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

DD has moved out and doesn’t answer her phone

93 replies

foxglovegirl · 08/10/2023 11:34

DD (19) has moved into her boyfriend’s house (with his family) as it’s close to the uni she is at. She also has a job there. Whenever I call her mobile she never answers… her phone is glued to her and when she’s with us at our family home she answers instantly to her boyfriend…

Am I being over sensitive? She has never answered my call when I ring her, she always gets back to me at some point during the day or the following day… but very often when I check her location, she’s just at her boyfriends house chilling…? Not sure how to approach the conversation without feeling like I’m bugging her… am I being unreasonable to feel slightly irked when she never picks up her phone to me, her dad and her brother?

I also don’t feel like I can ever have a conversation with her without her boyfriend being in the background.

OP posts:
Vocaladvocaat · 08/10/2023 14:53

Leave her to it… she’ll be back!

BlueYonder57 · 08/10/2023 14:57

foxglovegirl · 08/10/2023 11:51

Not that it needs justifying, as find my iPhone is a very popular app for many security reasons. It’s always been set up incase the kids lose their phones, we set them up after her phone was stolen once, it means I can erase her phone and content if it’s lost or stolen in the future. Likewise she can do the same to my phone! find my iPhone is a VERY common app! This isn’t about me tracking her, I don’t have time for that… if I have sent a few snaps over a weekend, and messages, and if I’ve not had not reply then yes, I will check her location to make sure she’s safe!

You don't have time to track her, but when you check her location she's always at her boyfriends house? Your daughter seriously needs to either disable tracking or get herself a new phone number. She's an adult. Stop invading her space.

BelindaBears · 08/10/2023 14:59

I’m nearly 40 and I still hate answering the phone if I’m not expecting a call, and do most communication with my parents either in person or via text. Having my phone on me, or even using it, isn’t the same as being in a position to answer a call.

EasterFlower · 08/10/2023 15:02

NRFT.

Totally unreasonable OP. She answers the phone to her boyfriend because she's in love and wants to spend every second she can with him. You remember what that feels like, right? She doesn't answer to the rest of you because you're "just" family. She gets back to you same day or next day at a convenient time for her. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, it's called having boundaries and is not impolite.

You don't get to decide her boundaries, she does. You don't get to decide that chilling with her boyfriend isn't important to her and your phone call is more important. She obviously disagrees and as it's her life, that's fine. There's no conversation to have with her about this, to do so would be controlling. She's entitled to spend her time as she wishes and to hold whatever boundaries she wants.

You need to step back, realise she's not a child any more and stop trying to find out what she's doing when she doesn't answer your calls. She's "busy", that's all the information you need or are entitled to.

caringcarer · 08/10/2023 15:07

I only chat with my adult DD about once a month. I also send her a message once a week or a WhatsApp. She often sends me a photo of DGC or a WhatsApp message. I speak to oldest DS once a month but he messaged me 2 or 3 times each week. I chat to my youngest adult son a couple of times each week but he lives close to me and likes to come home for dinner on Lasagne night and something for takeaway night too. I also pop around to his for coffee once a week or we go for a breakfast together. Take your lead from your adult DC. Be there if they need you but give them their own space too.

Bobbotgegrinch · 08/10/2023 15:18

She's 19, shes moved out, so certainly doesn't have to be at your beck and call. And the fact that you're tracking her! Good grief!

She's a grown woman, treat her like one.

EasterFlower · 08/10/2023 15:22

foxglovegirl · 08/10/2023 11:51

Not that it needs justifying, as find my iPhone is a very popular app for many security reasons. It’s always been set up incase the kids lose their phones, we set them up after her phone was stolen once, it means I can erase her phone and content if it’s lost or stolen in the future. Likewise she can do the same to my phone! find my iPhone is a VERY common app! This isn’t about me tracking her, I don’t have time for that… if I have sent a few snaps over a weekend, and messages, and if I’ve not had not reply then yes, I will check her location to make sure she’s safe!

You definitely need to cut the cord. She's an adult living with her DP and a bunch of other people (his family). They are going to be the ones to notice if she goes missing. So if you haven't had a call from them saying she hasn't come home when expected or soon after and asking if you've seen her, then you've got nothing to worry about, there's zero legitimate need for you to check her phone location.

And don't be sending multiple snaps and messages! I've been on the receiving end of that and unless each one is definitely something I need to know (which it never is) then it feels intrusive and that feels stressful, like I'm being got at.

A conversation is a two way thing. Send a message or snap, wait for a reply, don't be hassling her to respond by sending multiples. If she's not replying, take the hint. She's obviously not wanting the same level of contact that you are wanting, you'll have to accept this or cause a rift. She's probably already rolling her eyes, muttering FFS and sighing, whenever your name pops up on her phone. Wouldn't you rather she's pleased to hear from you because you're happy to give her her privacy and not be constantly hassling her (which is now it'll feel from her end)?

BoohooWoohoo · 08/10/2023 15:46

FindMy has good uses but if it's leading OP to be annoyed at the amount of time spent at bf's house then it's not a good thing really.

gamerchick · 08/10/2023 15:54

I'm getting a sense there's probably a reason she's enforcing a boundary with you OP.

Back off a bit mama, she wants to try out the world. She'll come back on her own terms.

TammyJones · 08/10/2023 16:21

caringcarer · 08/10/2023 15:07

I only chat with my adult DD about once a month. I also send her a message once a week or a WhatsApp. She often sends me a photo of DGC or a WhatsApp message. I speak to oldest DS once a month but he messaged me 2 or 3 times each week. I chat to my youngest adult son a couple of times each week but he lives close to me and likes to come home for dinner on Lasagne night and something for takeaway night too. I also pop around to his for coffee once a week or we go for a breakfast together. Take your lead from your adult DC. Be there if they need you but give them their own space too.

This is great advice.
I'm very similar elder 2, every few months , youngest 3 or 4, times a week and he will come stay now and again.
Take your lead from them.

LancashireSquirrel · 08/10/2023 16:28

For those telling the OP to text her everyday instead, please don't do this. Speaking as an adult whose mother hasn't gone a day without texting me AT LEAST twice a day since the day I moved out 17 years ago.

Just LEAVE HER BE, the more you leave her alone, the more she will contact you.

JustKen · 08/10/2023 16:38

My DD hates phone calls. Text/WhatsApp only. It suits us both. I know if she does ring me it's very important.

Mumtime2 · 08/10/2023 16:56

How about sending a text and asking her to call and say hi sometime.
Mention it would be nice to have a catch up once a week.
Invite her over for a meal or meet for a coffee or something as a mother, daughter catch up.
Perfectly normal for a older teen to pull away and do her own thing.
Giver her time, she probably doesn't realise your missing her.

carpool · 08/10/2023 17:07

My adult kids are now in their thirties (one married with kids of their own). We do all keep in touch but not constantly - they would hate that! I mostly tend to use Whatsapp but they don't always message back straight away and that's OK. I'm not someone who lives on their phone either and get told off that I never answer their calls! (usually because I have forgotten to switch it on/left it in my bag etc). We still have a landline and they know if they need to get hold of us urgently to use that and if necessary leave a message on the answerphone. When I was young and first left home there were no mobile phones so my parents had no way to phone me in student accommodation and had to wait for me to call them from a payphone. Somehow we all survived. 😁

Terrywinter · 09/10/2023 00:07

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

14blackcrows · 09/10/2023 02:43

YABU

This is really invasive. You need to stop. Stop tracking her just because she's not instantly answering your calls! That's unhinged. You will push her away.
You say she calls you back when she can so honestly what is the issue?

TammyJones · 09/10/2023 04:23

14blackcrows · 09/10/2023 02:43

YABU

This is really invasive. You need to stop. Stop tracking her just because she's not instantly answering your calls! That's unhinged. You will push her away.
You say she calls you back when she can so honestly what is the issue?

THIS
Op has gone.
Didn't gets the response she wanted maybe.

NoMor · 09/10/2023 07:19

Maybe you have an uncanny ability to call her when her and her boyfriend are shagging. She rings you back so what's the problem?

In future, text her and ask if it's a goodtime to call. and stop looking up hr location! It's creepy.

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