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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

DD has moved out and doesn’t answer her phone

93 replies

foxglovegirl · 08/10/2023 11:34

DD (19) has moved into her boyfriend’s house (with his family) as it’s close to the uni she is at. She also has a job there. Whenever I call her mobile she never answers… her phone is glued to her and when she’s with us at our family home she answers instantly to her boyfriend…

Am I being over sensitive? She has never answered my call when I ring her, she always gets back to me at some point during the day or the following day… but very often when I check her location, she’s just at her boyfriends house chilling…? Not sure how to approach the conversation without feeling like I’m bugging her… am I being unreasonable to feel slightly irked when she never picks up her phone to me, her dad and her brother?

I also don’t feel like I can ever have a conversation with her without her boyfriend being in the background.

OP posts:

mondaytosunday · 08/10/2023 12:20

Talking to your mum requires the right mood. She's probably doing whatever and realises it won't be a quick 'hey let's meet up for a drink' thing, so wants to choose the time to talk to you.
You have to realise you are not a current priority in her life - her boyfriend and mates are. But if she's got a problem I bet you would be the first person she'd turn to!

frazzledasarock · 08/10/2023 12:20

Send her messages instead. Just a how are you kind of thing.

arrange for a set time each week where she calls you.

otherwise leave her be, she’s 19, has uni and work and is busy living her life.

VineRipened · 08/10/2023 12:20

My Uni-based Dc (one in a flat with a partner) don’t answer me. They wait til they have time / privacy / space to chat, later in the day or the next day. It’s part of growing independence.

Mobile phones and the assumption of instant access are intrusive.

Your use of Find My Phone is intrusive. She hasn’t lost her phone, you know she is safe because if she wasn’t the people around her would tell you. My Dc would block me if I was tracking them.

theduchessofspork · 08/10/2023 12:20

It’s just a life phase - they naturally turn away from family in these years of becoming adult

Message rather than phone. You are probably phoning at unsuitable times.

You do need to knock off using find my iPhone though OP - she is an adult and it invades her privacy, but also it’s going to make you anxious and too focused on her.

SilasMarnerJekyll · 08/10/2023 12:21

A lot of people, myself included, find phone calls too intrusive and much prefer a text/WhatsApp message that can be replied to at a convenient time.

sleepyscientist · 08/10/2023 12:22

Broodywuz · 08/10/2023 12:17

This puts the fear in me at the thought of my dc growing up and not being particularly interested in staying in touch often.
However I remember well being 19, 1st proper boyfriend, moving away for collage and going through a stage of feeling very independent and like my parents were just annoying. Give her space and I expect she'll get better in time

Give them a reason to stay in touch. If home is somewhere fun and safe they will want to keep in touch. If it's somewhere their only memories are being parented until they moved out no they won't want to go home. As an adult we spend loads of time with one side of our family and not the other. Guess which one is fun to be around.

autumniscomingsoon · 08/10/2023 12:24

Yeah I get the OP is perhaps being a bit too full on but I don't think it's too much to contact your mum if you know she's wants you to, it's the kind thing to do. I think it's really weird the idea of saying the OP's daughter is an adult so she doesn't have to. No, she doesn't but normal adults who want to maintain supportive relationships with relatives give back and not just take.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 08/10/2023 12:25

Why are you phoning? I ignore phonecalls if I’m not in a position to chat, if she’s at her boyfriends presumably she is there to hang out with him, not to be sat on the phone to someone else. They could be mid-conversation, watching a film, playing a game, eating together etc. Very entitled of you to expect her to drop everything to talk to her!

Why don’t you send a text and say you’d like to chat with her and agree on a mutually convenient time for a phone all instead of calling at a time convenient to you and expecting her to drop everything to chat? Unless it’s an emergency there’s no reason to be calling someone unannounced.

CrapBucket · 08/10/2023 12:26

My eldest is 18 and at uni, I have learnt to leave him be and I am hoping he doesn’t screw everything up. Now and then I send him a photo of the dog just to see him press the like button. Tbh I fully expect him to get in touch when he needs money.

TammyJones · 08/10/2023 12:26

MadamVastra · 08/10/2023 12:11

What I find funny is that when I call them they never answer but god forbid i miss a call from them! When I point this out I get 'well what else are you doing apart from being my mum and awaiting my calls?'

Good point.
Op if you have a tracker on her phone she will find it controlling.
She's 19.
And listen carefully to this ...she is not your little girl anymore.
She is a grown woman.
Your relationship has changed.
Change with it, respect her space ...or watch your relationship with her go down the toilet.

AuroraForever · 08/10/2023 12:26

They don’t answer because in the main they all absolutely hate, or cannot cope with, phone calls. It’s not like the old days when you’d call your mum once a week for a catch up. Those days are gone. So just text her like everyone else does. And get rid of the findmyphone app. It’s unnecessary.

Mrsjayy · 08/10/2023 12:27

She does contact her mum but when it's convenient to her mum is calling then looking at find her phone to see where she is !

anunlikelyseahorse · 08/10/2023 12:28

Had you not mentioned you were feeling irked, I thought maybe you were concerned her boyfriend was slowly isolating her, and possibly being abusive.
However since this reads as more foot stamping and you wanting her to reply to messages, you need to STOP! Seriously op you'll be frying her brain. Fine send the odd text, and then wait for a reply.
If you are worried about her, all you can do is be there for her, so she knows she has a safe space to go to, if she needs it. But you do this by keeping lines of communication open, not making demands and not taking it as a personal slight if she doesn't reply. You know she still loves you, but she's becoming more independent, let her stretch her wings OP.
Yes it's hard to release that loving bond between parent and child, but by respecting her choices, no matter how irksome you might believe them to be, you'll always have that love.

TammyJones · 08/10/2023 12:29

Broodywuz · 08/10/2023 12:17

Don't worry.
If you respect your adult children's space / life / independence, you will be ok

Alainlechat · 08/10/2023 12:30

Hi OP, my 18 year old DD has moved to uni and we all share Snapchat so can see each others locations. I know my DD was out clubbing last night and I did check her location to see if she was safely back at her halls. Of course she could turn off this function if she wanted to.

She went 4 weeks ago and we haven't spoken by phone since. She does send messages every day and we have a family group chat to share pictures of pets etc.

I would be lead by her in terms of how she wants to communicate and if she is happy with having any sort of tracking option or not.

Canisaysomething · 08/10/2023 12:31

There seems to be a strange mismatch between posters telling OP to back off because a 19 year old needs independence and the fact that same 19 year old lives with her boyfriend and her boyfriends family.

It sounds like she hasn’t learnt to be independent at all, I would have hated that set up at 19 and hated my mum calling all the time. Time to finally encourage her to be a little more independent OP, starting with calling less.

Dontcallmescarface · 08/10/2023 12:34

Maybe back off a bit. I send DD a "checking in" text once a week and we'll arrange for her to call me on whichever day/time suits her (she has a job that is not a typical 9-5 Mon-Fri so it's easier for me to work around her schedule than her to work around mine). If anything crops up between the text and phone call which we think the other may want/like to know then contact is made but not always answered straight away.

HerMammy · 08/10/2023 12:41

You do not need find my phone for an adult who no longer lives with you, very controlling that you're checking her whereabouts.

readbooksdrinktea · 08/10/2023 12:45

Chilling at home (the place she lives) doesn't mean she wants to talk on the phone. Maybe if you stepped back a bit. And turn off the tracking. Does she know you do it? I'd hate that.

SorrowsPrayers · 08/10/2023 12:46

Both my DSs (now early 20s) are never apart from their phones but never, ever answer my calls or texts......unless they need something. As a consequence I have reduced the amount of contacting I do.
They always respond to DH.
I've given up expecting them to answer, and feel much better for it.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 08/10/2023 12:47

Sorry but you are BU
At 19 she is entitled to independence and privacy and I think she is more likely to be receptive if you back off
She will contact you if there is a problem. I have adult DS's 22,25,29 and I do have find my friends at THEIR request as I'm disabled and they check I'm safe, not the other way round!

MrsSlocombesCat · 08/10/2023 12:50

I have a friend who tracks his gf whereabouts and vice versa. I tell him that I find it weird and would hate to think someone could track my whereabouts 24/7. I also have a son I email once a month who lives 400 miles away and I see once or twice a year. I have another son who only contacts me when he needs someone to have the kids! But I don’t let it bother me, they’re all adults with their own lives and the last thing I would want is for them to feel obliged to talk to me when they would rather not.

OhComeOnFFS · 08/10/2023 12:51

That would really upset me, OP, and I don't understand all these posters who are telling you to back off. It's completely normal to want to communicate with your daughter who's just left home.

Do you contribute financially?

I think I'd send a brief chatty message every day or two saying what everyone's up to and wait for her to come back to you. If you had a good relationship before, then I'm sure she will. It's incredibly painful for you, though.

POTC · 08/10/2023 12:52

My 19 year old is in his 2nd year of uni now. I can count on one hand the number of times I've called him. He'll call me when he wants something usually! I text occasionally, and if it was a question I need an answer to I'll chase it with another message a day or so later. I'd never dream of checking his location unless he'd asked me to because he'd lost his phone!
She has a boyfriend there to notice if she doesn't come home and to worry about her, presumably he'd call you if that happened and her location needed checking but he couldn't do it.

Hbh17 · 08/10/2023 12:56

Please stop tracking her, because that is a very creepy thing for one adult to do to another. It may have been OK with children, but you have no right to know her whereabouts now.

And I think if someone kept phoning me when I wasn't able or willing to talk it would just make me more stubborn and determined to pick up the phone (and I'm old enough to be your daughter's granny!).

She's fine, she's living her life and she still keeps in touch with you, so it's all good. Please just cut her some slack and let her get on with things.

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