Is anyone else just DONE with it

[TwoItalianApples]

Seriously. I was very stupid and naive and expected at my age to be free of parenting really. I'm sick of them living at home, their problems, their inability to find any resilience. Not earning enough to pay rent despite that being an agreement. Having some weird expectation I'm still responsible for them. Someone said something about this generation just not being as independent as previous ones and I'm really seeing it.

How old are they? What ground rules do you have in place for them living at home? What is their financial situation? What are you paying for for them?

How old are they? Still in education? Or are they working? Or both?

I don't think one is ever free of parenting responsibility. It's a lifelong gig.

Teens to mid 20s.

I thought I'd done a good job and it's just the stupid decisions that mean more effort for me. Like organising or being a taxi or whatever. I'm really tired of it now.

How old are the teens? If older can you go away for a month or two and leave them to it. Visit friends, go travelling, see a city you want to see, work from home whilst you’re doing it.

Read them the riot act about paying rent before you go. Cancel the Wi-Fi, any mobiles etc that you pay for as soon as one of them doesn’t pay. Tell them the direct debit has bounced.

Leave no food etc for them. Let them work it out.

Teens you should be expecting to still be parenting. But let them know now at what age you expect them to be out of the house.

mid-20’s? Is there Any pArticular reason they are still at home
and not contributing financially? Or why youre organising their lives for them? Just stop.

id ensure they all have very specific and accountable chores around the home. Including specific nights to be responsible for all cooking, which obviously includes kitchen left spotless. Bathroom cleaning lawns mowed.

Then dont do it.

Assuming the teens are adults, sit them down and tell them the new rules.

If they want to use you as a taxi, you require pre-booking and petrol money (half a taxi fare?). If it's emergency (imem overslept and late for work) it's full fare.
You're only cooking a family meal X days a week. To be included in that, they need to cook one night a week.
If they're not paying rent, you can only afford to provide the basics and will not be funding social lives and partners etc.

You want them to be adults, treat them like adults.

I really need this encouragement thank you. I've lost myself in parental guilt and assumptions I'm always responsible for everyone.
Teens are ok, just thoughtless but learning. I don't want to have five of them like this.

@TwoItalianApples My dm packed me off to university when I was 18 & 2 months. Her contribution was three saucepans and a cook book. She did not expect me to go home except for Xmas and birthdays.

I'd never cooked a meal or run a budget but I coped because there wasn't an alternative. Yes, I ate some pretty dreadful meals, and I doubt the cleanliness of my clothes was particularly good on occasions, but I got a job pretty sharpish, didn't actually starve and managed to graduate three years later.

You don't need to go so far, just withdraw support gradually. Honestly, they'll be fine.

Yes that's what I'm struggling with. I was married at 21.

I made sure my kids undertood that I was an individual not a service. So they say "Mum can you..?" and I would say "well I don't know..." and talk aloud through the implications for my day. I would also always ask Is anyone else going so you can share lifts? Isn't that a bit tricky for them/ itsa bit out of their way I could drop you down to the bus etc. My DH also used to say "what can you do for me to make up for the inconvenience?".

We started this from early teens and trhey learned (more or less) firstly, to preface requests with "would you be able to/is it possible" etc but secondly, put mental effort into working out what would be least inconvenient all round not just for us but for other people generally so i would get asked eg : "Molly's Dad say he can take us but he's on nights so her mum has to be home with little Jimmy. Is there any chance you could pick us up? What is the latest you would want to come out?. Would it be easier if Molly stayed over at ours and he Dad picked he up in the morning " etc.

In other words they learned to think of others. Which is a pretty essential skill if they want to have good friendships, colleague relationships etc.

We would say "no that's not reasonable youll have to get a taxi/the bus/get up early and iron it/buy your own "when they were taking the piss, but make sure they understood our reasoning.

But the main principle was to keep asking the questions about why they thought their request was fair ie make them do the thinking.

I need to get on top of it. It's the character assassinations and the weird expectations - the disappointment that we hadn't topped up the government CTF as everyone else's parents had.

Sounds like they've had it too good for too long and now have lofty expectations.
They should be grateful they even had the government funded part, plenty missed out and just crack on with it and earn their own money.

How old are you? I'm late 30s BTW so not your kids age. But you seem to have not grasped the world is so much harder to get on in than it was when you were younger.

In my experience the people I come across who are entitled, rude and nota ble to cope with the world are all older. The idea of young people not being independent in this generation isn't something I see. I'm not sure why you're also looking to tar a whole geration because your kids might be a bit selfish?

That kind of behaviour isn't ok, but it says more about them than a whole generation tbh

I know what you mean. My 18yo is a lot less independent than I was at that age.

It won't be the case that everyone else has more CTF for starters. They've probably spoken to 1 friend who has said that and extrapolated.

I'm 52. I related to the comment re current generation and resilience, that's all. It's nice not to feel completely alone.
I agree, they've developed this expectation - they don't do anything useful except their own laundry.
Im also done with just the emotional support and the neediness for help to do things. I didn't expect to be still doing this.
I know it's tough for people to get their own place but that's not really my complaint. It was also tough for me - im not a 'boomer' with a huge pension and a massive house I paid 500£ for.

It's the constant pathologising of things as well. Gaslighting, abusive, hyper focus on any little illness or niggle.
I don't know maybe I'm just crap at adult parenting.

They are still operating on a child-adult basis, when it needs to become adult-adult now, at least for the adults (and to me that means everyone over 18).

DD decided not to go to university. We asked for 20% of her take-home pay at first. When she was a bit older, we based her contribution on the actual bills.

PS what is/was their father like?

4 teens at home. I took up a few simple hobbies and weaned them off me. Was less available!

You need to be very clear on your expectations. If they don't agree to what you want then they need to make plans to find a house share somewhere.

They are already doing their own laundry so that's a good start. Now they need to cook for everyone at least once a week (and clean the kitchen after). If you have three adults then that's three meals you will no longer have to do. Make it a set night and if adult 1 wants to go out that night they need to swap with adult 2 or 3.

Make sure they contribute to the bills, otherwise switch off the router (password protected so they can't put it back on) when you go to bed. Make life a little less comfortable.

It's tough work but I'm assuming you didn't just give in when they were toddlers. It's similar now only they have the choice to stay or leave. Good luck!

You need to let them fail
Just say No. You need to organise it yourself.
I mean a taxi! That’s not hard.

The problem with young adults at home is that they want the independence of being adult whilst still I dulling in being treated like a teen (having the washing done, meals cooked etc…). I might have had discussion around that with my 20yo, at home from Uni.

Wow, you are well advanced in age to be still doing this. At this stage, the teens should be relying on the mid 20s FIRST before they come to you to save them.

As someone said- adjust to adult-to-adult mindset with them and you will see a massive change. Go away for 2 weeks doing activities so they know mum won't respond until after 12 hours as she is out with no network. Trust me, that will be the making of them.

My double orphaned niece whom I have parental responsibility for, since she was 2 years and is now mid 20s. After she turned 21, I would even ask her how old she was- when she was making silly choices. Funnily, she also 'happily replied to my Q how old are you, saying 21, when she wanted to assert her independence. Anyway, it was her losing a phone she needed to study via wifi when covid hit and recklessly losing it within 1 month and my categorically refusing to buy her a new one, that she changed overall. She saved, and pleaded with her older working cousins whom I have also supported, when they were young, and now earn good money but selflessly spend it ALL on themselves, and bought her phone. I knew she had a new phone and took 2 years to ask how she afforded it, as I had forgotten about her losing it, but not me refusing to replace it. From then on, she thinks more independently, considering others and able to substantiate her requests which are now very reasonable. She came to me with 3 days to go before college started ( I kept asking her) and I again refused to give her money beyond fees and minimal spend money and she ran to her grand mother- to teach her to keep me up to speed and to stop asking for things at the last minute as she had been doing throughout sec school. So, she is learning slowly, but I have had to just refuse and she sorted herself out. I stopped the guilt on the account she is an orphan, one she hit 18 and more so after 21. You are not doing them any favours by remain their machine support- you are human.