Is anyone else just DONE with it

[TwoItalianApples]

Seriously. I was very stupid and naive and expected at my age to be free of parenting really. I'm sick of them living at home, their problems, their inability to find any resilience. Not earning enough to pay rent despite that being an agreement. Having some weird expectation I'm still responsible for them. Someone said something about this generation just not being as independent as previous ones and I'm really seeing it.

That’s the sort of things my 20yo says.

Apparently, his generation is all lovely and all the issues on racism, sexism, sexual harassment etc etc is all down to the ‘older generation’ (I’m afraid he would put in that category though….).
Same with how hard it is to buy a house etc….

The reality? We only have a house because DH took a huge gamble just before I met him and bought a house. Even though he knew he was going to be made redundant. That was a few months before house prices exploded.
If he hadn’t done that and we had been waiting for us to be married, I’m not sure we would ever have been in the position to buy….

Thats not surprising, when theres another thread going on where the OP was asking if she should let her DS go to the cinema, alone, at 14.

Weve baby-ed the next generation, and theyre less independent

This is really helpful. I almost need permission to change. The response is always ' it wasn't me' if I raise the mess left out, or whatever. It's never anything beyond the self centred stuff.

At the moment, I have a teenager and we live in a rural area. I absolutely expect to be chief taxi driver.

However, she is already saving for a car so she can get started as soon as she turns 17. I certainly wouldn't be expecting to drive children over 20 around- unless they had specifically arranged it for an event or something. Time to say no, OP.

It’s funny @TwoItalianApples because when the dcs were little, I kept telling them that we are a team and therefore, everyone participate.

Now I’ve noticed I find myself making similar comments again…

I think the difference is that I can see some times how caring they can be. I’m holding onto that and hoping they will grow that side quickly (I certainly remember being quite self centered in my 20s tbh)

I'm 53. I think k my parents might consider this is the hardest part of parenting me - DH died and I have relied on them a lot.

My DC are 20 & 22 and this is definitely the hardest part of parenting them , so far.

I’d be tempted to just stop doing things for them. Those in their twenties can get themselves places, pay for their own phones/expenses etc with their own wage. Obviously the teens need more parenting still, but I’d just stop doing so much for them

I take things very personally and get upset whereas dh doesn't - he gets angry and I get upset.
If they acted like adults it would be easier to do the adult:adult thing. It's always so petty like loading the dishwasher with only their things, or denying all knowledge of any mess, or expecting every meal cooked for them.

I'm sorry but choosing to have children is a lifelong thing.

Parenting does not stop when the child turns 18.

I feel sorry for you that you no longer find joy in being a mother.

Oh I am so sorry. That is tough.

Oh god @user5563790 could you be any more patronising?

It is. I just didn't expect it to be so labour and emotional support intensive at this stage. I thought I would be free of the expectations to actively parent.

My situation was compounded by a cocklodger H who barely worked and refused to share housework. So DC didn't do any, either (though, like you, I did make H and the DC wash their own clothes). I divorced him when they were young adults (youngest 21)

Yes.

Look, I am 46 yo- just turned 46. I have held national security responsibility level jobs since I was 21- I was very academic, so got big jobs= big responsibility- early. I was working part time from 18 yo whilst at college.

My mum ( dad died when I was 12) and to some extent, dad when he was alive, encouraged me and drummed in me the NEED to be independent and self- reliant. I am now married and I am still those things, with my DH just being a bonus in my life.

To this day, my happiest memories ( and I have led a fantastic adult life), is my childhood. Why? I had very little responsibility- still had to help out around the house as my parents wouldn't tolerate laziness even if with had help at home). I hated becoming an adult- I hated leaving uni as all of a sudden, everything was all on me as my parents had me late and mum was then 62 years and a pensioner. Every time things were getting tough with being an adult, I caught myself reminiscing over my childhood- I soon realised it was because I had ZERO real responsibility and yes, life is tough even with no financial worries. Therefore, I soon realised, given the chance ( younger mum, living dad), I may have struggled to really adjusted to becoming an adult to start with / soon enough, as not many people would voluntarily choose to be an adult. My mum also trained me to reason very early on, so she started slowly withdrawing help, as I was on a good wage and still asking for favours- I soon realised I was being ridiculous with my requests and needed to just live within my means (boarding school had already taught me to budget, but was getting a bit lazy, because I knew I could run to mum) and that's life.

So, my adult nieces apparently call me strict- well, my parents where stricter and I am very proud of them all flourishing and looking within themselves first before thinking others must step in. I have even taught them to be independent financially, even if they met a partner. Nephews learnt faster that it is now ME who goes to ask if they are still ok financially, when I have some spare cash.

Same here op. I have four living at home between the ages of 18 & 24 and eldest ds's girlfriend too. Two youngest struggling to find work although one is at Uni and never really had a proper job in the holidays. I despair of him although he doesn't ask for money. I think things are a lot harder for young people these days but they do seem to lack resilience and get up and go. It just ends up being depressing. Two of my ds's were high achievers at school but now just not working or in crappy jobs. I'm not sure where it went wrong but I need a break from trying to get them on the right track.

Yes but it's very reasonable to expect the type and intensity of parenting to change as the child grows. You wouldn't expect to be parenting a ten year old in the same way as a 2 year old, so it's reasonable that OP is annoyed that her children seem to expect the exact same level of support from her in their mid twenties as when they were roughly early teens (while presumably wouldn't put up with the same limitations i.e. if OP attempted to impose a curfew upon them or parenting screens on their electronic devices!).

I think you need a bit of tough love OP - if they "can't afford" to pay rent (which I assume means "don't prioritise") then, assuming you probably charge below market rent/mortgage value they are never going to be able to move out - unless you want to be reposting this in another decade something is going to have to change!

I think the comments about Gen Z not being resilient is true to a point, but isn’t resilience taught at home by parents?
I feel like kids are so sheltered from the real world and responsibilities when they’re expected to act like grown ups it’s a shock to the system.

Parenting adult children doesn't have to mean doing their cooking, cleaning and clearing up though.

@Babyroobs yes. This is it, like where do I go wrong? I never planned to keep them babied.

I didn't want to let this comment in all its Mumsnet Special Ghastly Wonderment go by without a special trophy 🏆

I can relate to this . I love my 27 year old DD dearly yet I wonder where it is all going to end . She works around 30 hours a week does the odd job in the home no washing no ironing and everyday comes home from work and ends up in bed from around 6-10pm . She has no interest in bettering herself job wise holidays still with us and I fear it's never going to change . Just writing this makes me feel I've failed as a parent as I've allowed this behaviour so I fully understand how you feel

Yes sort of? I've tried but it's just not landed. I've always modelled doing stuff for yourself. It's the emotional neediness and the lack of any thought for others really.