Is anyone else just DONE with it

[TwoItalianApples]

Seriously. I was very stupid and naive and expected at my age to be free of parenting really. I'm sick of them living at home, their problems, their inability to find any resilience. Not earning enough to pay rent despite that being an agreement. Having some weird expectation I'm still responsible for them. Someone said something about this generation just not being as independent as previous ones and I'm really seeing it.

But it is a serious question. Why did the OP bother having kids? Why did they have them in the first place? What was the point?

I have a 21 year old and a 23 year old. Younger is still a t uni. There is a definite transition period. They still look at me when we go out anywhere and there's a bill. But I will say now if they need to pay for themselves. Eldest pays a contribution to bills but not a lot as she is saving for a deposit. Youngest is still funded. They don't do loads around house but they do babysit a lot. Both work , elder full time younger part time.

I think it's important to acknowledge it's harder to rent, buy and to keep long term full time employment . But that said they all need to pay (assuming they are not in education). I would take 20% of their wage and for that they get room, food, water, heat and Wi-Fi. Anything beyond that they pay themselves . If they don't pay stop everything Wi-Fi , meals etc and if it continues give them a leaving date. Re chores they should all contribute or fund a cleaner.

Because having raised them (OP hoped) to be resilient and functional adults they're proving to be anything but and she's still having to be responsible for them and she's tired of it.

As for the comment 'why did she bother having kids' - I'm childfree and even I know a) it isn't rainbows and cuddles and 'I luvs you mummy' all the time and b) parents aren't given this magical crystal ball with their pregnancy test kit that tells them 'in 25 years they're still going to be hanging around at home expecting you to care for them, sure you want to go through with this?'

I mean, what a stupid comment.

Wisteria, you know your comments are silly. Parents are allowed to be brassed off with their adult children at times. At some point they have to stop clinging to the apron strings and be separate beings and we are allowed to discuss this on a chat forum without unhelpful barbed questions/comments thrown in.

When I was 18 my df was critically ill. Db was 12. He wasn’t allowed in the icu as too young. (Going back to late 80s). Dm was worried sick as we all were and running up and down to the hospital. I took on looking after db, when df came home I took on caring responsibilities. I’m not telling you this because I think I’m special. There are many dc who have done the same and had it far harder. The point being that your dc have to be made to take on responsibility and they are capable. you are indulging them op. It’s time for sink and swim.

My dm was born in the 1930s and working at 14. I was raised with the expectation that I was to take on responsibility and the thought of moaning that a trust fund hadn’t had parental contributions … I don’t think I would have survived that complaint! Stop indulging them. Stop being nice to them. Bite back when they make unreasonable complaints and demands. My ds are mid to late teens. Yes they need parenting but it’s moved to coaching and supporting - not doing things for them. If needed you give the older ones a date and tell them they’re moving out. This current situation isn’t healthy for anyone.

Hi thank you for all your thoughts, I've read through and it's good for thought. I definitely have been affected by not having had a parent present for my adolescence and I think that's impacted my ability to be harder.
@Wisteriathroughwindow I'm sorry you seem to have had a difficult time, I think my problem is different as I haven't kicked them out but somehow allowed this to develop.
It's kind of nice to hear others in similar situations, I feel like it can be turned round.
I've started managing my emotional response better and not keeping pace with theirs if that makes sense? So kind of that's nice/sad/a shame as a response. I also (drumroll) made two of them look up buses and catch them into town and back - I did find this and lunch as a 'fun' activity but it's the holidays and they are younger and it felt like a win! I'm hoping they decide it gives them freedom.

This this and thrice this. I wanted mine to walk home from primary school (we lived 50 yds door to door with no busy roads) but there was a rule that they couldn't leave without an adult before yr 6. They got really good at pretending to be with another adult and sidling out. A friend with a similar parenting philosophy was given a stern talking by another parent as her DDs were spotted playing unsupervised on our estate. This is as safe (and nosy) a village as you would want. The 1980s are long gone! So OP it really isn't just you, but better start cutting the apron strings now than never.

Yes, life is more competitive than it was. But setting some expectations that independence WILL happen would be a good start. It is still possible with the desire and graft!

Ah, cross posted OP - well done on starting the process.

Indeed 🙄

Seems you were 'blessed' with a crystal ball!!!

What is the point of your ignorant comment?!!

OP, it's social contagion. There is a woman..... I ll find her name and come back to you with it Dr. Mary..... Something, she has studied generational trends in the workplace and age has some really interesting insights into each generation. Your children's age group are typically very sensitive and the environment human rights, political correctness and typically lack resilience and need a lot of emotional support whilst simultaneously challenge authority.....

Annoying right!! Some of it is due to parenting styles over the last 20 years, but it's mostly due to the rise of the Internet, knowledge sharing, cultural changes and increasing move away from consumerism to global pathologising. So yes. They are annoying, and no it's not your fault, but it's a widespread thing.

Dr. Mary Collins, I think it is.

You sound unhinged and completely lacking in empathy or understanding.

Go play with kids your own age.

OP you are 52ish.....hmm I m trying to remember what your Co short were like. I m 44 and I m a latch key kid, my age group are fiercely independent as we were the first generation when lots of mothers worked outside the home, so we sorta patented ourselves from early teens onwards, home alone, got on with it, a bit wild, wildly independent, don't need anyone types. Just get on with it.

I think maybe those 10ish years old were/are a little more dutiful and respect authority a bit more. Dr Mary Collins has a book, u might find it interesting.

You're probably right. I think my kids had a pretty decent upbringing - the best of everything that we could provide for them, but with a certain level of independence from relatively young, because DH and I were out at work full-time.

They can be so lovely and considerate, but they can also be a complete PITA. Say they don't want to wash my dishes, as I use more (????), they hate hoovering, so won't do it, they hate cleaning windows, they won't do it.... I don't cook for them or wash their clothes and haven't done in many years. Yet they still bitch that I don't make food for them and don't seem to comprehend the issue that they don't make meals for me?!!

I'm exhausted. I didn't expect this in their 20s and it's not how they were reared either. They know everything of course, and have an answer for everything.

@TwoItalianApples I totally get you. I've always had a really close relationship with my kids and I'm concerned that the arguments over bloody household chores is damaging that closeness, but I literally have no idea how to get through to them.