Is anyone else just DONE with it

[TwoItalianApples]

Seriously. I was very stupid and naive and expected at my age to be free of parenting really. I'm sick of them living at home, their problems, their inability to find any resilience. Not earning enough to pay rent despite that being an agreement. Having some weird expectation I'm still responsible for them. Someone said something about this generation just not being as independent as previous ones and I'm really seeing it.

Wow, you are well advanced in age to be still doing this.

What's age got to do with it?! You can be any age and have a kid of any age. I'm 51 and have a 9 year old so expect to be going through this stage much later.

It's always the posters with the user number names that post the most knobbish rubbish

I know. Why haven't they changed their names to something normal? It's been, what? - around 5 years since the glitch whereby newly registered users were stuck with 'User+Number' names temporarily?

@AutumnCrow I think they think it makes them less memorable, so they can go around the site spouting crap and it's not as easy to recall their names as the person being nasty on various threads.

I fully sympathise. I have 2 X DS 20 & 22. I had not expected MH issues to become part of our lives and still parenting seemingly healthy young men. My DH's father, the first time I met him he told me he'd had two breakdowns and certain patterns of behaviour eg. Failing first year of uni / having to leave uni has been repeated over 3 generations (grandfather, DH, sons and cousins on that side.) I despair...
I am the only one working in our household!
I am pretty tough and there is plenty of swearing especially when boundaries have been breached. The problem is neither have full-time jobs - one has 2 x zero hour contracts and the other is waiting to hear about apprenticeships. My DH was telling me about how sorry he is that one of our DS hasn't had a holiday this year... but he has alleviated me of £11k (more fool me!), spent on private CBT counselling during covid then top up tuition fees for his second chance uni.
I've learnt my lesson - this DS has to take responsibility for their MH. Back to the holiday - he can stay at home and look after the cat!
They will pitch in and are competent cooks but I hanker for an empty nest... it's making decisions about retirement difficult, although they do know once working they'll have to contribute to the household financially. In two minds whether to move away or stay put so that they have access to London job market.

Oh give over. They need to grow up at some point.

Are they signing on if not working? Even when DD did so for a short while, after leaving sixth form, we asked for a token £5 a week from her benefit.

I think the teens to twenties is a time to readjust with our kids to a newer kind of relationship and see it as one that can carry us through life.

It’s tough I know, but I’ve been very firm on my 20 plus DD for a few years, that my home is not a hotel and whilst she still lives at home there are limits. I nearly, very nearly got to the point when she was 19 that I said ‘you treat me and this home better or you leave’.

We have to stop parenting also though. If they don’t get up for work? I don’t care. If they don’t eat well / sleep well? Not my problem. BUT I expect rent, contributions to food and bills, no cooking/washing clothes after 10pm and restrictions on their guests, partners are not to spend more than 2 nights at a time. Because it’s my home and I think that’s reasonable.

I think cooking the evening meal should be shared between adults, including clearly up if you are currently clearing up and shopping and planning but build up to that.
twas a revelation to me when my dad asked my for a lift to the pub and then to pick him up at 11.30, couldn’t say no, he was outside a club at 3 am on Saturday.

Love all the older generation whining about how independent and amazing they were at 18, married and kids and a 6 figure salary by 21, and how useless selfish and entitled the younger generation are as if they aren't the ones who raised them that way lmao.

I've had similar thoughts...

LYAO as you like. I'm 60, and I went to uni at 18. Bought a house when DH and I were 27 and didn't have children until our 30s. The only 'benefit' we had as 'boomers' was student grants. We bought our first house with 100% mortgage on DH's salary of £12k because I didn't have a job after moving out of London. We had nearly bought a flat in London, over £80k. Thanks be we didn't, because that was just before interest rates soared to 15%.

I have always loved having my kids at home, though enabled them to spread their wings at the same time. All in their 20s now. Loved it in lockdown. Elder two have spent 4 years each living away from home. Both back - one, professional job, saving to buy a house, paying us peanuts. 2nd, degree educated, saving to do a further qualification abroad. 3rd in uni locally. Neither 2nd or 3rd expected to hand over any money but expect them to do chores/stuff like painting around the house. Much resistance.

They use my stuff, drive my car (though eldest has their own, it's been broken down for weeks, in for repair), lie all over my sofa, watch my TV, leave stuff lying around. Have to be asked to do chores. They are good kids, and I am so proud of them all but they seem to have reverted to being teenagers!! They do their own laundry and cook for themselves because I refuse to.

I love them dearly but this wasn't what I signed up for!

It's the same all around where we live. The bloody street is full of cars because none of the kids have moved out!! Any who did, have moved back!

I don't think they're useless, selfish or entitled. Mine are all focussed and know what they want in life, and work hard to achieve it. I just think the way society is right now doesn't allow them to live the lives my generation did.

Ok nice essay but you're clearly not who I was talking about are you.

So who were you talking about, rude person?!

Mine aren’t there yet so no skin in the game but I think it’s important to recognise that we don’t raise children in a cultural vacuum. Your parenting style has to fit within the boundaries of what is considered acceptable within your culture/ community. That has undergone a huge shift since I was a kid ( I’m mid forties now, my dc are preteens). It’s hard to operate outside those boundaries- if you tried to parent 70s style now you’d probably get a social services referral yet there’s no evidence that Gen X turned out worse than the current 18-25 year olds.

so yes I think we’re not doing a great job- I think kids need more independence earlier and I think they need to develop strong peer relationships and grow away from their parents during their teen years, but there are societal factors that make that harder if you’re the only one doing it.

But I wouldn't be posting if I'd raised them to be like that - I didn't anticipate this outcome. That's why I'm tired and bewildered - I did not model this. I agree with the poster reflecting on societal and cultural issues. I did not expect to be texted to 'wake me up for work' even once - I've pushed back on that. I didn't expect to pay £££ for things like therapy, as a pp has said.
I agree I've clearly not done some of this properly but I'm posting because I don't know how I've ended up like this.

I think it's a lot about expectations. I've always said to my kids when you are 18 and have a place of your own you can.......

So they expected to leave when they reached 18. I'm facilitating the leaving as best I can because you only really grow up when you're managing your own budget and bills.

But them leaving is also hard!

My DSC find the idea of independence scary. And DH finds it very hard to allow them to take risks. They have the same discourse from me about leaving. And the same facilitation towards leaving.

We will see very soon what that result is. But I don't want other adults in my home on a permanent or semi-permanent basis. They're welcome to visit though!

It’s not too late to also push back on a couple of areas though. I just think young adults, as most adults in most historical ages are pretty self absorbed. Their brains are geared to themselves and their own lives. So we have to really be quite obvious and clear about our own needs. I thought I’d bought up my DD to be not so selfish, and bless her she is lovely but even she was a proper PITA and her attitude to me at times was awful. Just so dismissive. We did have to have a couple of ‘moments’ where I was just ‘this is the line, don’t cross it’ and once when she was 18 I actually took away her phone for a day.

Not to punish her, but she was not treating me like a human being, she was lying around all day, getting up in the night and noisily using all the food, leaving mess everywhere in the kitchen (her room… well fine I ignore that), forgetting her key and waking me up at 2am etc etc. So I took away her phone one day when she was very rude to me when I’d had enough. I took it and clearly said ‘I paid for your phone, I pay for your contract and now you are an adult and the least I need is a little two way humanity.

I hear you TwoItalianApples absolutely, I too was stupid to expect them to grow up at 18 (or at least be something on the way to grown up). I have such a constrast with DS 23yr and DD 21yr . DS is floating round life without a clue what he wants to do, which is fair enough but FFS he needs to do something other then mooch around the house atm@Babyroobs I need a break from trying to get them on the right track, yes this is how I feel, I'm just done with it.
DD on the other hand knows what she wants to do and most importantly takes some action and I just leave her to it.
I don't think it helps that DH totally enables DS to be useless but that's another thread as I could write an essay.
Sorry for the rant OP but as you did ask, just letting you know you not alone!

@shadypines I hear you , that's it. It's the willingness to be passive and just not do anything. Although I found my voice yesterday and asked one of them to do the dishwasher before they left - could not believe it when I walked back in the kitchen and they were! Posting here has definitely helped me feel a bit more entitled to push back.
One of them did miss an appointment though because I'd sent an email reminder and they hadn't put the series in their calendar even though we had talked about it and they've attended 3 (same time/place) already but apparently I should have told them in person on the day.

I stopped lifts age 13 when d s started catching buses. He is now 18 and has a full time job plus pays for his food and 25% council tax.

He plans to move out age 21 and rent in a houseshare in the neighbouring city.

You obviously haven't done a good job otherwise they would be independent so you're going to have to suck it up. Just be nice to them

You honestly just sound mean. My mother was like this, chucked me out. I no longer have any contact with her. Why did you bother having kids?

For goodness sake . Can you read . Get some perspective .stupid comments .

Good morning @TwoItalianApples I totally hear you. My eldest son is 23 and at home still. He works full time, contributes towards rent and is a considerate adult.

However, we have clashed and I have told him that in my opinion, he is frustrated by home life as he is emotionally ready for independence.

I would, personally however, rather he waited until he was ready financially with his own car, emergency fund, budgeting skills etc. before he moves out.

My take on the frustrating issue of reliance on a parent post 18 is that my time is as valuable as theirs, and they shouldn't expect me to give freely of my time and energy without acknowledgement that the relationship is now a two way street. I also use humour,
ie. "The maid is off for the night, she's absolutely useless tbh, she has only done 5hrs housework on top of her paid job today" etc.

Hard times, in my opinion about a fair balance of power, financial responsibility and unpaid work distribution. Tricky.

All the best OP x