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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Daughter shocked me

88 replies

Annie1955 · 01/08/2023 12:52

My adult daughter who is 33 married and lives in Hong Kong for last 7 years has told me that all we did through her childhood was row and that her father was never there. This has come as a bit of a shock, not the rowing, which was not all the time, yes of course it happened, no excuse but we went through a lot of financial difficulties from losing half the value of our property to the interest rates going up to 15%, this was back in the early 90s. We nearly lost our home but thanks to my mum we held on. Then again in 2008 financial crash my husband lost his job as he's in hospitality and didn't work for another 14 months, we nearly lost our house again, paying for our mortgage on credit cards etc etc. I was working but my salary didn't cover everything.

She never ever gave any inclination that there were any issues until a couple of years ago she started distancing herself as I was always very close to her, at least that's how I felt. We went to HK in April, first time since 2019, and I could feel she was just trying too hard and I noticed that sometimes when my husband was speaking she would roll her eyes. I obviously didn't mention it at the time as it may have just escalated.
Once back I spoke to her and she then told me that her father was always away, well he did have to work and people in hospitality do long hours. She then said its taken her years to realise that having a family that rows consistently is not the norm. I understand that we all see things differently but it's really hit me hard and don't know how this can be resolved at all. I feel awful if this has caused her issues but she always seemed such a happy child. I'm so sad.

OP posts:
AmbleInAnnBoleyn · 01/08/2023 12:55

All you can do is apologise. Be sure to understand that the situations you have outlined are reasons, not excuses.

Her feelings are valid, please try to not dismiss them (tempting to handwave away as per the reasons you outlined).

EarringsandLipstick · 01/08/2023 13:13

OP, I can imagine how upsetting this feels.

It's actually really good she has said it to you though. Now you can do something about it. (I'm thinking of the other thread I just posted on, about families keeping everything superficial!)

There isn't a right and wrong here - your recollection of the stress and challenges that you and DH faced, as well as the rows happening but not being frequent, is not incorrect; but neither is your DD's memories of fighting, and for her, and underlying insecurity and upset.

I can easily remember big rows by parents had, disproportionate to how often they happened. My own DC were very small when my abusive marriage ended, and most of this was kept hidden from them but actually, they remember very clearly a time when I had had enough of the abuse and reacted back to my H, very upset and angry; and they also knew about stuff (his drinking, for example) that I thought I had hidden from them.

What your DD really needs is validation - time to talk, and to be heard. She doesn't want excuses or explanations. She in a sense wants that childhood part of her to be parented, and made feel safe.

I would start by letting her know you are there, you care and you want to hear how it was for her.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/08/2023 13:14

Oh, and also, your feelings of sadness need to be dealt with elsewhere - a friend, therapist etc.

Don't try to bring your emotions into it now. Focus on your DD. If you start to talk about how sad this has made you, she will stop talking - she isn't able to take on your emotions as well as hers and it's not fair to expect her to.

ZarquonsSandals · 01/08/2023 13:21

I'd be interested to know how much/how frequent the rows were. Saying this as I hear my neighbours shouting at each other at least once a week. Really horrible shouting and swearing. Usually about something trivial, sometimes about work, often lots of blame.
They have primary school aged children who, I'm sure, can't help but hear it.
From an outside perspective it sounds as though they hate each other, and have no mutual respect.

Original poster
Annie1955 · 01/08/2023 14:50

To be honest I couldn't say but certainly don't think they were that often but my daughter is 33 now so all such a long time ago. Of course I remember the rows but also remember so much fun as we both adored our daughter and still do. I can't tell my husband all this as he suffers from serious mental health issues which over time have come out and I think uf he knew that we'd done this to her it would push him over the edge.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annie1955 · 01/08/2023 14:52

Of course her feelings are valid, I just think maybe I should give her space. It is also so difficult to speak properly over the phone about this as her feelings are coming out due to having therapy. I know that everyone sees situations in a different way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annie1955 · 01/08/2023 14:55

I definitely wouldn't dismiss her as she has the right to feel the way she does. I only wanted to do my best but it didn't seem to work that way

OP posts:
Original poster
Annie1955 · 01/08/2023 14:58

Thank you, it is just so difficult being at opposite sides if the world and the fact that this has only started coming out over last couple of years. We've always been there for her and always will be I just hope that there's some form of resolution

OP posts:
Comedycook · 01/08/2023 14:59

Rowing isn't nice to witness but I think she also needs to realise you and her father are only human...you had problems and made mistakes. Very few people have an entirely perfect childhood. I think she's being slightly unreasonable.

stayathomer · 01/08/2023 15:04

As someone said try not to dismiss her feelings but it must be difficult! Myself and dh were trying to figure stuff out the other day and one of my dses asked why we were fighting. My jaw dropped- we’d even been laughing at one point! People just see things differently. As for the being away thing- that’s so hard- work wise people don’t have a lot of choice

35965a · 01/08/2023 15:04

Comedycook · 01/08/2023 14:59

Rowing isn't nice to witness but I think she also needs to realise you and her father are only human...you had problems and made mistakes. Very few people have an entirely perfect childhood. I think she's being slightly unreasonable.

I agree with this ^
I am the age of your daughter and I think people our age over analyse the past, especially once they’ve had therapy.

StartSWagaintomorrow · 01/08/2023 15:16

You did your best. We were beaten as children not just by our parents but also our teachers! Right or wrong who knows it was the norm in that era. I have never hit my children. I’m also a believer that if my children want to go NC with me I will respect their decision. You can’t make anyone love you they either do or they don’t.

IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 15:20

35965a · 01/08/2023 15:04

I agree with this ^
I am the age of your daughter and I think people our age over analyse the past, especially once they’ve had therapy.

Show quote history

I agree also.

For most parents in most generations the load is BIG. Trying to establish a family and financial security is not easy. There will be the trials and tribulations of the changing self, and the compromises needed for a family to thrive.

It can be easy to judge when we look back. But we really need a little philosophy, and in fact should teach MUCH more of it. We need empathy for who and what our parents were then. We need generosity. And a little imagination.

If we bring those qualities to our retrospectives I think we will be happier. Becasue it will help us accept our less than perfect selves.

All of the above applies to abuse free situations.

SGsling · 01/08/2023 15:28

Annie1955 · 01/08/2023 14:58

Thank you, it is just so difficult being at opposite sides if the world and the fact that this has only started coming out over last couple of years. We've always been there for her and always will be I just hope that there's some form of resolution

But her Dad wasn’t always there for her, was he. And he isn’t there for her now, because you’re protecting him from difficult feelings.

I’m not sure what the answer is, but an honest relationship going forward definitely will mean hearing her out.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 01/08/2023 15:28

Awww OP, I do feel for you.

I am 46 now and even though my dad died 25 years ago, he was an absolute bastard to my mum. He was always shouting or grumpy. We avoided him when we could. He shouted at my mum and even hit her on a few occasions (that we can remember)

It is so annoying when my mum looks back on our childhood with rose-tinted glasses and always goes on about the great times we had, when in reality, we spent a lot of our time feeling scared or walking on eggshells.

I'm not saying it was shit - my mum is an amazing woman did her absolute best for us - and thank god, my dad was a work a lot of the time, but our childhood is not the one my mum remembers.

I think she thinks she shielded us from a lot of it, but we knew what was going on.

I am not saying anyone is right or wrong here, but just highlighting that you will both remember that time very differently.

greenspaces4peace · 01/08/2023 15:29

Sadly it’s a phase she’s going through, yes brought on by therapy.
I bet she’s got some other issues going on in her life and this is a bit of a vent spreading the blame.
Be empathetic but in my experience this is a popular generational thing.

Goldbar · 01/08/2023 15:32

The problem with having parents who row frequently and growing up in a high-stress, high-conflict environment is that you become constantly watchful. Home isn't a safe space and your own needs are pushed out or suppressed because there isn't any space for them to be articulated in a safe way - you don't trust the adults in your life to respond safely and proportionately if you rock the boat because they're too busy dealing with their own issues.

I get the impression that this may have been the case to a greater or lesser extent for your daughter from some things you say. For instance, I can't tell my husband all this as he suffers from serious mental health issues which over time have come out - was he able to parent responsively when your DD was growing up or was the whole household generally on eggshells to avoid upsetting HIM?

Growing up in high conflict situations can have lasting effects into adulthood such as anxiety, loneliness, increased risk of depression, people-pleasing behaviour etc. so if your DD is making efforts at the moment to process and understand what happened, it might be with a view to enabling herself to form healthier future relationships.

Comedycook · 01/08/2023 15:36

And I don't mean to sound nitpicky but if she says her father was never there then there wouldn't have been rowing all the time would there....

avocadotofu · 01/08/2023 15:37

Goldbar · 01/08/2023 15:32

The problem with having parents who row frequently and growing up in a high-stress, high-conflict environment is that you become constantly watchful. Home isn't a safe space and your own needs are pushed out or suppressed because there isn't any space for them to be articulated in a safe way - you don't trust the adults in your life to respond safely and proportionately if you rock the boat because they're too busy dealing with their own issues.

I get the impression that this may have been the case to a greater or lesser extent for your daughter from some things you say. For instance, I can't tell my husband all this as he suffers from serious mental health issues which over time have come out - was he able to parent responsively when your DD was growing up or was the whole household generally on eggshells to avoid upsetting HIM?

Growing up in high conflict situations can have lasting effects into adulthood such as anxiety, loneliness, increased risk of depression, people-pleasing behaviour etc. so if your DD is making efforts at the moment to process and understand what happened, it might be with a view to enabling herself to form healthier future relationships.

I think this is very insightful.

Original poster
Annie1955 · 01/08/2023 15:39

Good point I guess.

OP posts:
itsmyp4rty · 01/08/2023 15:48

I really don't think that therapy is good for everyone. I think it can be too easy to start negative navel gazing and then start pinning all your problems on whatever you come up with. It seems like this wasn't a huge issue for her until therapy made it a huge issue for her. She may now be spending hours picking over the finer details.

I think though that whatever the reality was you need to accept this is how she feels about it right now. I would tell her your version of the past including the good, the bad and the ugly - maybe write it down in a letter. Apologise for all the bad - explain it but don't excuse it. Apologise for how it is making her feel right now and tell her you had no idea it had such an impact on her. Then tell her how much you love her.

Mariposista · 01/08/2023 15:48

Kids remember these things.
younger couples - please take note.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 01/08/2023 15:52

Comedycook · 01/08/2023 14:59

Rowing isn't nice to witness but I think she also needs to realise you and her father are only human...you had problems and made mistakes. Very few people have an entirely perfect childhood. I think she's being slightly unreasonable.

Absolutely this.

Iwasafool · 01/08/2023 15:53

SGsling · 01/08/2023 15:28

But her Dad wasn’t always there for her, was he. And he isn’t there for her now, because you’re protecting him from difficult feelings.

I’m not sure what the answer is, but an honest relationship going forward definitely will mean hearing her out.

Show quote history

He had to work, that's pretty normal and the opposite isn't great is it.

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