Daughter shocked me

[Annie1955]

My adult daughter who is 33 married and lives in Hong Kong for last 7 years has told me that all we did through her childhood was row and that her father was never there. This has come as a bit of a shock, not the rowing, which was not all the time, yes of course it happened, no excuse but we went through a lot of financial difficulties from losing half the value of our property to the interest rates going up to 15%, this was back in the early 90s. We nearly lost our home but thanks to my mum we held on. Then again in 2008 financial crash my husband lost his job as he's in hospitality and didn't work for another 14 months, we nearly lost our house again, paying for our mortgage on credit cards etc etc. I was working but my salary didn't cover everything.

She never ever gave any inclination that there were any issues until a couple of years ago she started distancing herself as I was always very close to her, at least that's how I felt. We went to HK in April, first time since 2019, and I could feel she was just trying too hard and I noticed that sometimes when my husband was speaking she would roll her eyes. I obviously didn't mention it at the time as it may have just escalated.
Once back I spoke to her and she then told me that her father was always away, well he did have to work and people in hospitality do long hours. She then said its taken her years to realise that having a family that rows consistently is not the norm. I understand that we all see things differently but it's really hit me hard and don't know how this can be resolved at all. I feel awful if this has caused her issues but she always seemed such a happy child. I'm so sad.

Unfortunately it seems she has been told it is not normal from my understanding as that is what she said.

❤️

Can I just put up another side to this. I'm not saying @Annie1955 that you are mistaken in your recollection of the past, but my mum remembers my childhood with rose-tinted glasses of fun, loveliness and holidays abroad (this was the 1970's so something special). This is definitely NOT the case, my sister and I remember our childhood the same so are pretty sure we are more likely to be accurate... our dad was verbally very abusive, mum never argued or stood up for us, dad cheated on mum, many, many times which we, even as young children knew about. Mum "stayed with him for us" even though I begged her to leave. So she knew we didn't want her to stay but was too weak to leave the money. Until Dad brought the bailiffs to our door and we watched our belongings being removed. I tried to tell mum and dad I was being sexually abused by a family member when I was 6 or 7, they excused and poo-pooed it, said I was mistaken....

I've never had navel gazing, encouraged by a therapist as I've never been to one.

Maybe your daughter IS seeing things wrongly and nit-picking due to therapy, but please consider the alternative and it is perhaps you who wants to see things as rosier than it actually was.

The issue isn't whether something is normal or not but how it has affected the OP's daughter. Having said that I don't consider that the therapist should be encouraging her client to tell her mum, more harm than good cannb done by this kind of "confrontation." It's not always healing.

@HappyCatty I'm sorry you went through that and that your parents didn't believe you.

One of my dd has a negative viewpoint of her childhood. I respect her right to feel that way but don't fully agree. She Will mention things like "you weren't there on my 8th birthday " when I actually was. A recent one was that she wasn't invited to come away for a event that she didn't attend . Yet me , dh and other dd all remember her declining. She seems to like the dialogue of being the hard done to child and finds it frustrating when I correct her. (Only on facts not feelings) but equally she is entitled to feel how she does.

I'd apologise for the rowing and for not appreciating the impact on her. And all you can do is be aware going forwards

Your memory is of your dd ' being happy' and I'm sure she was at points, but no child feels happy while their parents argue.

Arguing isn't ok. DH and I have struggled financially and we did loose our home. We couldn't shield our kids from the reality and the fear of being homeless will stay with them throughout their lives.

However, dh and I chose to pull together to get through what was an appalling situation, rather than add to our kids suffering by arguing.

I grew up with arguing parents and it was bloody depressing, tedious and frankly embarrassing. I felt parented by giant toddlers most of the time. Emotionally they dominated our lives with their arguments - there was very little space for anyone or anything else.

I find it sad that you won't tell your husband in order to protect his mental health and that your solution is to give your daughter space. You seem to just want your dd to shut up and be happy. Again.

Do you think there's something else she's struggling with?
Sometimes people can make leaps to avoid facing other feelings. Say perhaps she wants children but is struggling with fertility, it's easier to rewrite 'my childhood was awful and I don't want to repeat it' than admit how we really feel, even to ourselves.

Might be way off but just an example of why the 'sorry you feel that/ remember it that way' grey rock is probably best for now.

Wait until she's done exploring her own feelings before too much is said.

it's just that I've no idea how to proceed

Have you really no idea? Even after this thread?

You sound remarkably passive & nearly disinterested.

Why can't you talk to her? Let her know you will listen to her, when she wants to talk? It's up to her then.

And keep up usual contact & plan the next in-person visit.

Surely none of that is rocket science?

@EarringsandLipstick but OP has done that and has said her daughter does not wish to elaborate right now. I really don’t think she sounds at all disinterested, just upset and worried. No need for the cutting ‘it’s not rocket science’!

Thanks for being more compassionate than some. If I was disinterested I surely would not be trying to find some sort of way forward would I? I have no idea why people have to add to things by being nasty.

When it’s your normal and you’re in the middle of it, it’s hard to see.

I remember my maternal grandparents as constantly squabbling and snapping at each other. I knew they loved each other and me but I thought that was just how they related to each other. My grandmother died when I was 10. When I talked to my mother about it as an adult she said that they were only like that for the last 5 years (of a marriage of over 50 years) and it was because my grandmother was dying of cancer and she had delayed going to the doctor, trying to keep things normal. If she’d gone to the doctor straight away she’d probably have lived. There was anger, resentment, fear and love that came out as constant, low level arguing.

What you describe of your marriage during those years, with serious financial pressures, unemployment and mental health issues must have been very stressful for you. How that looked from the outside to a child, how it made her feel living with it with how that stress was expressed, not knowing (or being old enough to comprehend) the reasons behind it, may be alien to you. If her father was away a lot then I’d imagine the times he was at home were very intense.

Listen to her, don’t try and ‘correct’ her and maybe eventually, tell her more of the pressures you were under at the time - not as an excuse but to help her understand the background.

Agree with all of this