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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Son, 23, really does need a brace on his teeth

93 replies

Ange324 · 02/06/2023 06:48

I'm looking for advice on how to approach an awkward subject with my son. When his big teeth arrived, they went all over the place. Sticking out at all angles. The NHS removed 2 teeth from the top and he had braces. His teeth were beautiful. He was 14. He needed to wear a retainer, every night..... for life. He didn't. The teeth went back to being crooked, one front tooth crosses significantly in front of the other and protrudes. So, I took him back to NHS dentist and as he was under 16, they placed another brace on, but I had to pay £600 for. He was meant to wear his retainer. He didn't. Sure enough, the teeth went skewiff again and the NHS placed on another brace. Removed at the end and, yep, he didn't wear his retainer. When his teeth were straight, he smiled in photos, had confidence, looked fantastic, was going out, met a girl. So, when he looked good, he was social, smiley and a chick magnet! Since teeth going back wonky and splitting from the girlfriend, he doesn't go out, doesn't smile in photos and, as his ma, I can see his confidence is low. I believe that if he gets another brace fitted, and this time a fixed permanent invisible retainer on the back teeth, he will start to ooze that gorgeousness he otherwise has. Appearance isn't everything, yet I know how he was when he looked good. In a couple of months time, he starts a new job. A very public facing one, newly moving into a house share with people he doesn't know, and he's intending to have a 2 month siesta before starting. He has over 10k in his bank account (he doesn't go out, so he's got the money). His teeth will only get worse as he gets older, he rarely cleans them so he clearly doesn't like them.
A long background, sorry. I do know it's his choice, but we all want the best for our children, no matter their age. When I read that 87% of people find dodgy looking teeth a turn off, I know I have to help him come to the conclusion it's something he could get sorted so easily and that he knows it made a difference. He really is a good looking lad, and then he talks and you see yellow/black very crooked teeth, it isn't the best.
What could I say/do to encourage him to spend no more than 2k, perhaps over 12 months, to get that brace on? The option of not doing or saying anything isn't in my dna.
Many thanks.

OP posts:
Howmuchwood · 02/06/2023 06:58

You've done this for him twice already. He's 23 now, when is he going to be allowed to make his own choices? Maybe if you back off a bit he'll decide for himself when the time is right.

WhatInFreshHell · 02/06/2023 07:00

Leave him alone, he's 23 for goodness sake!

Original poster
Ange324 · 02/06/2023 07:01

I do agree with that, yet something in me tells me I have to help him help himself. That instinct isn't going away.

OP posts:
FreddiesTeeth · 02/06/2023 07:03

I think you need to back off.
Your controlling behaviour is out of order.

WhereLightGoes · 02/06/2023 07:04

Why are his teeth yellow and black? If he doesn’t look after them no point if they’re straight I suppose.

Singleandproud · 02/06/2023 07:05

He is a grown man, you have to step away. It won't be crooked teeth that don't attract women/ put people off it'll be the fact that they are yellow/black and good oral hygiene isn't going to come along magically if he has another brace fitted. If he has a permanent retainer on his back teeth the problem may well get worse as it's incredibly difficult to clean the back teeth properly, you have to use proper tiny brushes to get in the tight space created and it doesn't sound like hell do that.

Original poster
Ange324 · 02/06/2023 07:09

Thanks for the replies. Not convinced if I'm controlling, if I haven't done or said anything! I'll reflect on your opinion though.
I could just not say anything, and the yellow teeth are from smoking, and as one tooth protrudes it discoloured quicker. I don't think he's interested in cleaning them because he doesn't like them. Perhaps 23 and a tad lazy, yet he's got a car he polishes and cleans as he bought it himself, so if you love something you look after it?

OP posts:
CountryParsonPetal · 02/06/2023 07:10

You've facilitated teeth straightening for him twice before, it's obviously not that important to him as he didn't maintain the retainer wearing. If you broach the subject again you risk causing him psychological issues by body shaming him about his teeth. Perhaps that is already the reason he doesn't care for his teeth. It feels uncomfortable that you are placing such an emphasis on a young adults teeth.

wildfirewonder · 02/06/2023 07:13

You need to accept that for whatever reason he has an issue with his teeth, and give him the space to work it out for himself.

Is it possible he felt he had to wear the brace for you, rather than for himself? Did the brace cause a lot of discomfort?

Have you ever chatted to him about why he didn't wear the retainer, how he feels about his teeth? Don't go steaming in now with questions, but have you discussed it with him before?

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 02/06/2023 07:14

You could tell him the truth, that you've noticed he doesn't smile in pictures since his teeth got crooked again, that you think it effects his confidence. But I expect whatever you say it won't do anything except make him more self conscious. If he won't even brush properly I can't see him being willing to spend two grand on fixing his teeth. Whatever you do, don't offer to pay some/all, if he pays himself he might commit to it, if you do you'll get the same result again.

Original poster
Ange324 · 02/06/2023 07:20

Thank you all for your suggestions, I shall mull over them all. I definitely don't want to body shame my lad for his teeth or for anything. He's fantastic!
He was delighted when his teeth were straight, smiling everywhere, all the time. He really was over the moon. The retainer issue was a lazy teenager thing. He was delighted to get them straightened again making the promise he'd wear the retainer as he loved his teeth. Then he met the girlfriend and thought he'd got life sorted, so didn't bother!

OP posts:
yellowgecko · 02/06/2023 07:20

OP I had braces as a teen, didn't wear retainer, they went wonky.

23 years later I have now paid for them to be fixed. If he wants to do it, he will do it in his own time.
He may never get them fixed. Plenty of people have wonky teeth.

Echo previous PP regarding wire, my dentist strongly advised against it as difficult to clean.

As hard as it is, you've got to let him make his own choice about them. If you really can't let it go, perhaps gentle encouragement about improving his oral hygiene first?

PinkMimosa · 02/06/2023 07:27

You've had some really good advice on here already. With regards to him having little confidence with women, he's not going to have much if he doesn't even clean his teeth.

I don't know any women who would put up with that, they'd have to have really quite low standards themselves.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 02/06/2023 07:35

You’re not controlling, you’re a mum worried about her son. People on this site need to stop throwing terms like that around like confetti.

He needs to get his teeth sorted, but apparently he doesn’t care enough to do it. That’s on him. I suggest saying to him that you’ve noticed he doesn’t smile in photos now and see what he says. If he mentions his teeth, don’t jump in with suggestions, but ask him if there’s a solution - and then waiting for him to figure it out (whether just brushing them or wanting a new brace).

And yes - his wonky teeth are important for relationships and for health. There’s a reason people save up thousands to fix their dental issues. Society does have ideals of attractiveness and if he wants a partner his teeth are likely to be very off putting. That’s the reality whether people here like it or not.

Londonnight · 02/06/2023 07:35

My son is similar age and also had fixed braces, then a retainer to wear afterwards. He stopped using the retainer fairly soon after getting it and his teeth have now gone back to how they were before the braces. This is his choice, he is an adult. I made suggestions on how he should carry on as his teeth would just go back to how they were before, but I couldn't make him wear the retainer. There is no way I would have taken him to have a second brace.

You need to back off and leave your son to it. If he isn't even cleaning his teeth, then a new brace isn't going to help anyway

LaSelkie · 02/06/2023 07:35

I have overcrowded teeth, with a crossover/snaggletooth at the front and this thread has really depressed me 😂 Mine are white, clean and well looked after but I can't afford the £££ to get them straightened. Also, moving teeth constantly like that isn't great for them so if you do it again I'd definitely impress upon him this aspect of it: teeth can die if messed about with too frequently/moved too quickly.

Original poster
Ange324 · 02/06/2023 07:41

I agree with what everyone has said. He went onto a dating app, and he showed me the pictures he was using. All pictures were of him smiling with his straight clean white teeth.
You're all definitely right about it being his decision, I was hoping to find a way to support him in fixing something that I have seen make such a difference to his self esteem and confidence and with his 2 month work gap he could begin that process.
The teeth cleaning has recently improved since moving in with me, when the girlfriend ended their relationship, as I installed a toothbrush and paste by the kitchen sink so at least on a working day he brushes them in the morning. I made it a condition of him moving in. Call it controlling and being out of order, anything you like, that was the right thing to do!

OP posts:
Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 02/06/2023 07:43

Chick magnet?
Oozing gorgeousness?

I think the fact he doesn't clean his teeth if the bigger issue here.

🤮

Original poster
Ange324 · 02/06/2023 07:45

😂For sure!!
Anyway, off to work. Thank you for your replies, I'm very grateful.
Have a great day all.

OP posts:
GodspeedJune · 02/06/2023 07:49

Hopefully a dentist will be along soon but I remember reading in the news about a poor young woman who had a brace multiple times, and her teeth ended up falling out from the repeated movement.

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 02/06/2023 07:53

Ange324 · 02/06/2023 07:20

Thank you all for your suggestions, I shall mull over them all. I definitely don't want to body shame my lad for his teeth or for anything. He's fantastic!
He was delighted when his teeth were straight, smiling everywhere, all the time. He really was over the moon. The retainer issue was a lazy teenager thing. He was delighted to get them straightened again making the promise he'd wear the retainer as he loved his teeth. Then he met the girlfriend and thought he'd got life sorted, so didn't bother!

I would look into going to a really good dentist, getting a quote and sharing the cost if you can. You sound like a lovely caring mum.

Endofroadwhatnext · 02/06/2023 07:54

OP sadly no orthodontist will fit a new brace with such poor hygiene. It would create more potential problems.
i think you just have to let him get on with it.
Many people don’t have perfect straight teeth and still find partners but the bigger issue really is the smoking and poor hygiene. So if you felt compelled to ‘encourage’ him to make changes this might be a more realistic starting point.

LauraBea55 · 02/06/2023 07:54

So he’s had 3 rounds of treatment already?

Unless HE desperately wanted it, I wouldn’t even think about it. There are risks with braces, such as root shortening. Usually 1-2mm of root shortening takes place during a round of orthodontic treatment (but everyone is different).

We also don’t advise just a fixed retainer - they often come with their own problems and get broken/come away and if he doesn’t maintain it, relapse will likely occur. If he can’t wear a plastic one at night, I can’t imagine he’d want the expense or trips to the orthodontist to get it fixed.

And oral hygiene needs to be perfect to even consider braces!

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 02/06/2023 07:59

Endofroadwhatnext · 02/06/2023 07:54

OP sadly no orthodontist will fit a new brace with such poor hygiene. It would create more potential problems.
i think you just have to let him get on with it.
Many people don’t have perfect straight teeth and still find partners but the bigger issue really is the smoking and poor hygiene. So if you felt compelled to ‘encourage’ him to make changes this might be a more realistic starting point.

This isn't true.

OP, you and him should budget 3k (sorry) but if it were my kid I'd be getting a loan then making them get a denplan insurance plan with a teeth clean twice a year.

There is no doubt shit teeth are super off putting.

motheroreily · 02/06/2023 08:00

I agree with others. I think the hygiene is the issue not that his teeth aren't straight. I really don't know what to suggest though. Does he visit the dentist ever? They'd probably recommend some hygienist visits.