Son, 23, really does need a brace on his teeth

[Ange324]

I'm looking for advice on how to approach an awkward subject with my son. When his big teeth arrived, they went all over the place. Sticking out at all angles. The NHS removed 2 teeth from the top and he had braces. His teeth were beautiful. He was 14. He needed to wear a retainer, every night..... for life. He didn't. The teeth went back to being crooked, one front tooth crosses significantly in front of the other and protrudes. So, I took him back to NHS dentist and as he was under 16, they placed another brace on, but I had to pay £600 for. He was meant to wear his retainer. He didn't. Sure enough, the teeth went skewiff again and the NHS placed on another brace. Removed at the end and, yep, he didn't wear his retainer. When his teeth were straight, he smiled in photos, had confidence, looked fantastic, was going out, met a girl. So, when he looked good, he was social, smiley and a chick magnet! Since teeth going back wonky and splitting from the girlfriend, he doesn't go out, doesn't smile in photos and, as his ma, I can see his confidence is low. I believe that if he gets another brace fitted, and this time a fixed permanent invisible retainer on the back teeth, he will start to ooze that gorgeousness he otherwise has. Appearance isn't everything, yet I know how he was when he looked good. In a couple of months time, he starts a new job. A very public facing one, newly moving into a house share with people he doesn't know, and he's intending to have a 2 month siesta before starting. He has over 10k in his bank account (he doesn't go out, so he's got the money). His teeth will only get worse as he gets older, he rarely cleans them so he clearly doesn't like them.
A long background, sorry. I do know it's his choice, but we all want the best for our children, no matter their age. When I read that 87% of people find dodgy looking teeth a turn off, I know I have to help him come to the conclusion it's something he could get sorted so easily and that he knows it made a difference. He really is a good looking lad, and then he talks and you see yellow/black very crooked teeth, it isn't the best.
What could I say/do to encourage him to spend no more than 2k, perhaps over 12 months, to get that brace on? The option of not doing or saying anything isn't in my dna.
Many thanks.

All these saying no orthodontist would consider it. A friend of mine had awful teeth and had had many attempts to straighten them plus they were really stained. She had cleaning, whitening and invisaline . Her teeth are not perfect turkey teeth now but look absolutely lovely.

As long as he has no gum disease he'll be fine.

His teeth, his problem. He's had treatment for them twice already now and not followed the instructions.

It would be irresponsible of a dentist to put braces on while his oral hygiene is poor and he is smoking. This combined with the fact he's already had several attempts to straighten his teeth make it risky. At best he would end up with badly stained teeth but potentially with decay or lost teeth.

It sounds as though he doesn't care as much about his teeth as you do.

At 23 you shouldn't have to encourage him to brush his teeth. He needs to work out his issues and sort his personal hygiene. No woman will go out with a man who doesn't clean his teeth and she won't stay with a man who has to be bullied into cleaning them by his Mum.

@Thepleasureofyourcompany im sorry but it is true- my 13yo needs braces but isn’t great at brushing and this is what we have been told (private treatment so nothing to do with NHS resources).

You don't sound at all controlling OP!

I'd speak to him about it if a good moment pops up.

Has he got a decent electric toothbrush?

But a good couple of visits to the hygienist will help.

Of course there are dentists who will help him to straighten and whiten his teeth and these probably won't be the worst they've seen.

Not read the full thread so apologies if this has been said.

Have his wisdom teeth come through? These will also change the way his teeth are. I had perfectly straight teeth and after one upper wisdom tooth barged it's way in they all moved slightly.

Just bear that in mind incase he has a brace again and then the wisdom teeth ruin the work.

I think you may have to accept that it isn’t as important to him as you think it is. He may not be cleaning his teeth because he’s lazy and doesn’t care about them, not because he’s embarrassed of them. He’s already had the whole brace thing twice now, and he has money to fix them if he wants to so he has the knowledge and the means and still isn’t bothered. I think you have to just let him be. The smoking and hygiene will be far more off putting to any potential girlfriend than a slightly wonky tooth.

If his teeth are decayed to the extent that it seems then he isn't suitable for braces as they'll make the decay even worse.

Explain to him what you've said here.

You're still his mum, and with something as important (and fixable from what you've said) as this, I think you should.

You sound like a lovely mum,
i would say go for it,
open up the conversation with him and ask if he will let u support him to sort his teeth out - people get themselves stuck in all sorts of ruts and its OK for us to help each other with moving forward!!!
i don’t get all the back off / stop controlling / let him wallow type comments !!

He needs to start brushing his teeth first and foremost if he's to get another girlfriend!

You’re not controlling, you’re a mum worried about her son. People on this site need to stop throwing terms like that around like confetti.

I agree @KleineDracheKokosnuss. I think most mumsnetters don't really understand the meaning of "controlling". It is one of the most overused and misused terms on this site.

I wouldbe worried about his smoking and lack of oral hygiene as well. Are there any mental health issues?

You’re not controlling, you’re a mum worried about her son. People on this site need to stop throwing terms like that around like confetti

Amen.

It seems a kneejerk comment on here.

I'd definitely have an open and honest conversation with him about it. I don't get why others say not to. He is an adult after all. And your son, so his welfare is your business. No one has suggested body shaming him. If you tell him your thoughts and concerns and he doesn't want to know then you can back off. He is only a young adult after all and may just need a bit of support and encouragement.

Well said.

OP, I feel for you. You can see his potential and he is self-sabotaging. Your mum instinct will never leave even when he’s 32, 43, 53.

I don’t know how you can handle this. You’ve tried to be considerate and kind and your son has t taken this on board. If you confront him harshly (“your breath stinks and your teeth are disgusting”) you might alienate him and crush all his self-esteem. He really needs to hear this from a third party who he respects but these days most people will not say anything and just avoid him.

He knows what needs to be done but he won’t do it, in exactly the same way that I know that if I want to lose the weight I need to lose then I should eat more healthily and not eat biscuits. I suppose the only way is to frighten him and to casually ask him about the dentures he will need to wear when his teeth fall out.

You can get a fixed wire behind the teeth for life once teeth have been fixed with a brace. They do this in other countries to avoid “retainers”.

Dd1 has this and its been fab

I don't think you are controlling as such, as I'd feel the same way, but you are wasting your energies. He has to decide (or not) to do this for himself.

Both my dds had braces and neither kept using their retainers for long either, though I thought younger dd would as she is more responsible. But she became depressed in her mid teens and stopped cleaning her teeth (I wasn't aware initially), so already had a negative attitude about her teeth and didn't care about the retainers. (Luckily, though they have white spots, the teeth actually stayed in place after the braces were removed, presumably as she had had several teeth removed).

It's hard but you have to let them make their choices and suffer the consequences. You've done your best, you know he has the money if he wants to fix it. But watch out for depression - I had no idea, for example, that someone would stop cleaning their teeth due to it, as it's something I have always done automatically twice a day.

I have a fixed retainer on the inside of my top and bottom teeth. It’s just a metal wire glued into position. I’ve had the same one in for 10 years and it’s kept my teeth perfectly straight after many years of very invasive dental work and surgery. I forget it’s even there, it’s not at all uncomfortable. IF he does go for further braces then I would highly recommend the fixed retainer, as he’ll just forget the overnight one again I’m sure. That said - he would need to brush his teeth very well twice per day, as plaque would quickly build up around a fixed retainer if you weren’t doing very thorough brushing and visiting the hygienist every 6 months for a deeper clean around it.

I've recently had braces, had them in my teens too but didn't wear my retainer so they moved of course. This time around I had to have regular xrays to check for root shortening. I've had them off since last year, fixed retainer on top and bottom and ortho said I need to wear the removable one at night too, fixed retainer on its own not enough. I only have the fixed wire on the front 6 teeth top and bottom so I make sure to wear the plastic one too, no way would I chance them moving again.

Your son sounds like an orthodontists nightmare.

I worked in Orthodontics, if your son isn't co-operative then he shouldn't have braces again. This is his issue, he is an adult. Poor oral health means you son more than likely would not be considered for a fixed retainer or another braces as this can cause further issues.

stop facilitating him.

Oh fgs.

Orthodontics will have seen far worse than the OPs son! What are you on about 'nightmare'!

Do you know how much braces cost? The NHS bleed money when it comes to patients that are not co-operative in orthodontics. He has relapsed twice.

Clearly you have zero knowledge of NHS Orthodontics