Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Estranged son.

109 replies

minecachair · 02/05/2023 21:46

Four years ago,on the telephone with my 26 year old son,literally mid sentence with some inane weather comment,he suddenly said "that's it,I don't want to talk to you ever again" and put down the phone.We've never had any problems,talked frequently,I saw his two children,he was very thoughtful.Absolutely no reason and he has stuck to this.He's moved twice so I don't know his address,just the rough area.His fiancee is lovely and sends me pictures/updates of their children but she has no idea either about the reason for this..I think my son may be aware of her contact-not sure.He doesn't talk to my daughter,his sister,either.I send money for birthdays and Christmases to him and the family(he has never changed his bank account details.Obviously I can't touch his account,just send money to it.)I know he gets it but never acknowledges it although his fiancee always thanks me.His favourite place in the world is the small Scottish village where I was born and he visits frequently.My mother,,who he used to love dearly, still lives there but he never goes to see her.She died in August but again no acknowledgement and he didn't attend the funeral.He and his fiancee are getting married in this village in June but no invitations for myself, his sister (my husband,his father,died five years ago) or anyone in my family.I have absolutely no idea at all what brought all this about-that's what makes it so hard.I haven't done or said anything at all,he had a normal childhood and everything was fine until that phone call.His children will be my only grandchildren as my daughter can't have a baby so I'm missing out on them as well.I've done my very best for all these years to keep the channels of communication open although with no address it's difficult and I'll continue to do so but it breaks my heart.I know everyone will just say to continue with the limited contact I have and I'll do so but I don't know what else to do.

OP posts:
MrsTopaz · 02/05/2023 21:58

I’m so so sorry to read this, my heart goes out to you. What an odd thing to happen mid conversation. I think it’s good that the fiancé is still in contact with you, I wonder what her take on all this is…? Do you think she would meet for a cup of tea?

LoonyLois · 02/05/2023 22:07

Have you tried reaching out to him?

Quitelikeit · 02/05/2023 22:13

Is your daughter the favourite?

Quitelikeit · 02/05/2023 22:14

Send him a letter?

what does your daughter think

ShannonMcFarland · 02/05/2023 22:16

There must be more to it. Stop playing the doddery old dear and wake up to your failings. Then you might have a chance at salvaging the relationship.

Dintananadinta · 02/05/2023 22:19

@ShannonMcFarland how do you know she did anything wrong? Why do people never believe the OP

WouldYouLikeYourMuffinButtered · 02/05/2023 22:19

ShannonMcFarland · 02/05/2023 22:16

There must be more to it. Stop playing the doddery old dear and wake up to your failings. Then you might have a chance at salvaging the relationship.

This is spot on, and I speak as someone with lived experience of this type of situation.

ShannonMcFarland · 02/05/2023 22:22

Dintananadinta · 02/05/2023 22:19

@ShannonMcFarland how do you know she did anything wrong? Why do people never believe the OP

Occam's Razor, for a start.

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 22:23

ShannonMcFarland · 02/05/2023 22:16

There must be more to it. Stop playing the doddery old dear and wake up to your failings. Then you might have a chance at salvaging the relationship.

Yep. I can’t believe how naive some of these posters are. On what fucking planet do people admit they are toxic/abusive/narcissists. I cut contact with my abusive, dysfunctional narc Dad and he still insists on contacting (annoying) me every birthday / Christmas to pretend he’s some sort of good person, I class it as harassment.

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 22:26

Dintananadinta · 02/05/2023 22:19

@ShannonMcFarland how do you know she did anything wrong? Why do people never believe the OP

It’s very rare someone would cut off a parent for no reason, and toxic people never acknowledge they’ve done anything wrong. I’m sure OP’s son told her why he doesn’t want contact. People who have had this kind of parent can see through the innocent act.

Dintananadinta · 02/05/2023 22:27

Surely the fiancé must know why he's stopped contact.

greenspaces4peace · 02/05/2023 22:29

i believe the young struggle so much with debilitating mental health issues.
regardless of your parenting in generations past so much was swept under the rug and people just moved on (be it healthy or unhealthy). things are different and this trend of no contact is so very hurtful as it doesn't help either of the people involved.

lookingthroughthekeyhole · 02/05/2023 22:29

How do you know they are getting married?

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 22:29

My guess is the OP is the one contacting her daughter in law and most people don’t want an uncomfortable confrontation with someone.

Doyoumind · 02/05/2023 22:31

greenspaces4peace · 02/05/2023 22:29

i believe the young struggle so much with debilitating mental health issues.
regardless of your parenting in generations past so much was swept under the rug and people just moved on (be it healthy or unhealthy). things are different and this trend of no contact is so very hurtful as it doesn't help either of the people involved.

Who are you to say it doesn't help the person who cuts contact? One party might be aggrieved but the other could have a weight lifted.

And there is always a reason.

NBLarsen · 02/05/2023 22:32

It's very odd that he wants absolutely nothing to do with you or the rest of his family, yet his partner is happy to be in touch and send photos, with apparently no idea of his reasons.
I can't imagine getting married to someone who has no contact with their family without expecting an explanation of why that relationship broke down.
Was there genuinely no build up to him cutting you off? If it truly came out of the blue then I'd be concerned about his mental health.

Minimalme · 02/05/2023 22:34

What is very telling in OP's post is she hasn't asked him what she did to hurt him, or if there is any way to make a reparation.

greenspaces4peace · 02/05/2023 22:34

@Doyoumind going no contact doesn't solve anything it only pushes the pain down the road.

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 22:35

NBLarsen · 02/05/2023 22:32

It's very odd that he wants absolutely nothing to do with you or the rest of his family, yet his partner is happy to be in touch and send photos, with apparently no idea of his reasons.
I can't imagine getting married to someone who has no contact with their family without expecting an explanation of why that relationship broke down.
Was there genuinely no build up to him cutting you off? If it truly came out of the blue then I'd be concerned about his mental health.

Can’t you see how manipulative her post is? Trying to cast herself as this poor innocent lamb and her son who she supposedly loves as the bad guy? And my guess is she probably is the one contacting them and DIL doesn’t want an awkward confrontation.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 02/05/2023 22:35

Who are you to say it doesn't help the person who cuts contact? One party might be aggrieved but the other could have a weight lifted

A fucking huge weight in some cases but then I'm not NC, I'm Low contact with my M.

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 22:35

greenspaces4peace · 02/05/2023 22:34

@Doyoumind going no contact doesn't solve anything it only pushes the pain down the road.

Well no, if you have a toxic parent it’s best to avoid them. Has someone gone NC with you?

Minimalme · 02/05/2023 22:36

greenspaces4peace · 02/05/2023 22:34

@Doyoumind going no contact doesn't solve anything it only pushes the pain down the road.

Not for the abused adult child it doesn't. It gives them a life where they are free of suffering. How terribly one-sided of you.

greenspaces4peace · 02/05/2023 22:44

ummm i would say going nc is terribly one sided.
but also agree there are different levels of unhealthy relationships and wouldn't minimize the pain suffered by anyone.
but as a senior i believe the op is suffering, it's unkind to think no matter what happened that she isn't and that she doesn't deserve some support. which might simply be pointing her in the direction of a neutral 3rd party.

nakeklak · 02/05/2023 22:50

As hard as it might be to consider, you have done SOMETHING wrong, even if it might seem unimportant to you. Did your style of parenting include diminishing his feelings in order to get him to be a good child? I'd start thinking about possibilities like that to try and understand him.

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 22:53

Also OP I know you’re trying to imply he’s a monster for cutting everyone off but often that is necessary, anyone who has dealt with narcissists and their flying monkeys can attest to this.