Estranged son.

[minecachair]

Four years ago,on the telephone with my 26 year old son,literally mid sentence with some inane weather comment,he suddenly said "that's it,I don't want to talk to you ever again" and put down the phone.We've never had any problems,talked frequently,I saw his two children,he was very thoughtful.Absolutely no reason and he has stuck to this.He's moved twice so I don't know his address,just the rough area.His fiancee is lovely and sends me pictures/updates of their children but she has no idea either about the reason for this..I think my son may be aware of her contact-not sure.He doesn't talk to my daughter,his sister,either.I send money for birthdays and Christmases to him and the family(he has never changed his bank account details.Obviously I can't touch his account,just send money to it.)I know he gets it but never acknowledges it although his fiancee always thanks me.His favourite place in the world is the small Scottish village where I was born and he visits frequently.My mother,,who he used to love dearly, still lives there but he never goes to see her.She died in August but again no acknowledgement and he didn't attend the funeral.He and his fiancee are getting married in this village in June but no invitations for myself, his sister (my husband,his father,died five years ago) or anyone in my family.I have absolutely no idea at all what brought all this about-that's what makes it so hard.I haven't done or said anything at all,he had a normal childhood and everything was fine until that phone call.His children will be my only grandchildren as my daughter can't have a baby so I'm missing out on them as well.I've done my very best for all these years to keep the channels of communication open although with no address it's difficult and I'll continue to do so but it breaks my heart.I know everyone will just say to continue with the limited contact I have and I'll do so but I don't know what else to do.

This

But what about the sister and grandmother?

It all seems very odd.

"Wake up to your failings" isn't a helpful comment if the son never accused the mother of having any failings, but went no contact without ever telling her that he was unhappy about something. And the OP has never suggested that she's old, let alone doddery.

Has anyone on MN ever gone NC on a whim? Decided mid-phone call to cut off contact for no reason?

Exactly.

There is a lot of projection in this thread and people are extrapolating so much from the minimum information the OP has given. Whatever the faults of the parties involved, what is clear is that a mother can't just forget about her offspring whereas adult children can easily live without their parents

Obviously the OP must be wrong-she's a woman over 60.

Sometimes nc is the right thing for the person who stops the contact. Not all relationships can be repaired and having someone who causes you hurt in your life isn't beneficial.

My parents and I are NC, or very low. The hate from them - the reason could be as minor as arriving at 12.20 instead of 12.30 after a 4 hour drive.

Yes they would phone or write on birthdays or send gifts. Usually either minimal thought eg money or a gift I had said I was getting eg Dolls house - they would buy a bigger and better one.
It ruined and put me on edge every single birthday. The last time we fell out 2 years ago we moved two in quick succession and they had some valuable things of mine for a weekend eg new tv delivery before I moved and they then refused to drop it to my work or let me pick it up as they wanted my address.

His financee knows and so does he why, but there is no point if someone else thinks they are totally innocent. Most narcissists have no idea that they are one

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7yu__5iZdXI

you have a few options concentrate on your daughter and the family you do have

send a heart felt letter to all of them asking to meet with or without a third party to listen to his feelings about you and your relationship and say you are totally open to listening to any grievances or upset that you have caused

avoid any emotional manipulation eg I’m lonely, miss you etc

IME there's not anything you can do, sorry.

It's all very well to look back and consider that the experience of one child growing up was significantly different from the experience of their sibling, or to look back and realize you did precisely the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Once someone has done what your son has done, it takes a LOT - an improbable amount - of personal change to turn round and start talking to people again, particularly when they cut off, not only whoever they had the principle issue with, but also Great Auntie SoandSo who had nothing to do with anything and kept her nose well out of any family disputes.

It's very, very hard to be able to navigate that. Very few do.

Once a mixture of poor communication and poor choices has led to an estrangement it's very difficult to go back.

And that's when that's all there is.

As PPs have alluded to, sometimes people are willfully blind and deaf and amnesiac (I obviously have no inside knowledge as to where your case falls on this line) - sometimes parents (and/or kids) are terminally flawed people.

I don't know why people are blaming you OP, how do they know?

My friend's son went no contact with him, but initially she hadn't liked his girlfriend and so at least she had a reason.
Perhaps you could find out through your daughter contacting her sister in law what the origin of the problem was. It sounds like something that is outside your ability to fix.

And what about the hurt of the person with whom an adult child has gone NC?

OP, there's a whole section on Gransnet on estrangement. You might get some support there.

There is always a reason can also mean that her son has reasons that are valid to him, but make no sense to anyone else. Cutting people off is the default for many people when it often doesn't actually achieve anything. I don't know why it always has to be the parent's fault? Why is it always the parents who are narcissists and never the child who has a personality disorder? Not saying that this is definitely the case here - but some posters seem to be massively triggered by their own stories and seem to be forgetting that there is just one side to the story available here, and it's impossible to conclude anything.

Sounds a bit like what’s going on here. Shockingly poor communication all round. OP doesn’t know why, son hasn’t explained, no one seems to have asked him, fiancée is all tra-la-la, nothing to do with me. I imagine the family dynamic was odd for years and will now be passed to the next generation. OP may be as much a victim as anyone. Even her post on here is odd and lacking in clarity. Would you consider therapy OP?

This is another example of very poor communication which can be an ingrained pattern in families and hard to break out of.

Yeah to be honest if this was my child - and they don't stop being your child just because they are 26 if I genuinely had no idea (and their fiancé purported to have no idea either) I'd be round there giving him a bollocking and asking him what he's playing at the ungrateful jumped up little so and so. You honestly have nothing left to lose at that point. To go to your family village and not see his grandmother is beyond rude and if I had done that I'd be getting such a bollocking of my parents whether I was 16, 26 or 36

All this nicey nicey write him a letter rubbish isn't going to work

This.

Kids don’t go no contact with parents without reason.

My mum apparently has no idea either. She has re written history.

It seems odd that he would be involved in a phone call one minute and cutting OP off forever in the next. I'd be wondering what I'd said just prior to that, that triggered him. I also find it hard to believe there were no clues at all. Even if it's the son who has the personality disorder, not the mother, surely a mother would have noticed something in over 26 years?

Also I don't I understand why the fiancee would be loyal to her putative mil behind her partner's back and be feeding her so much information eg as to the place of their wedding. It implies she knows the reason but disagrees with it - did she have such a strong relationship with OP before this all happened? I don't think it's right to do that to a partner.

The story as it stands doesn't ring true. If OP had given some background or thoughts on how it came to this, it would feel more honest. I don't think anyone is the perfect parent at all times - most reflective people could think of some reason why a relationship had gone wrong, surely (not necessarily their 'fault' but give some antecedents that might explain it?)

Also I don't I understand why the fiancee would be loyal to her putative mil behind her partner's back and be feeding her so much information eg as to the place of their wedding. It implies she knows the reason but disagrees with it - did she have such a strong relationship with OP before this all happened? I don't think it's right to do that to a partner.

I don't think it implies she disagrees with it at all (having been in the fiancee's position myself). Fiancee has a different background. My family don't do this NC business, we talk about things. NC is very much a MIL thing. When my MIL initiated contact with the family, I would respond to her. It didn't mean that I agreed with MIL at all. I totally didn't. The NC thing seemed so wrong to me and responding is in my nature. I think it meant I still had some hope of healing.

I just knew as soon as I read the ops post that straight away there would be posts on here blaming her. Anyone stop to think that it’s a three sided thing, her side, his side, the truth! I understand how you feel as I’m in a similar situation with my son, I told him a few home truths about how he was treating me, I’m not saying I’m right or wrong, I KNOW why he’s cut off from me,even if he can’t admit it to me, he comes to my house totally ignores me but will speak to his dad, make what you will of that. The only time he has phoned me in 6 months is to ask me to babysit, at my house, not his as I’m not welcome there. He can’t talk about things like a proper adult, and ops son is doing the same, which is the most heartbreaking thing about it. No solution, it’s hard, but I’m not beating myself up about it anymore. Up days, down days, look after yourself, you can’t make sense of a situation when the other party doesn’t want to discuss it. One thing though, the DIL is game playing imo, keeping you dangling for some reason that you also will never know. It’s cruel.

That is so cruel. I hope you never have to deal with such a terrible emotional trauma yourself.

I’ve tried to speak to my son, he doesn’t want to know, his sister spoke to him and she said to me that he seemed keen to get past the issues, but when I called him and he actually answered the phone, he spoke to me like I was shit on his shoe, thing is he didn’t know that my daughter was sat with me, so heard it all. She was totally shocked at what he was saying and now she doesn’t want to speak to him(he didn’t know she was there) so waiting to see how that pans out.

It’s the ‘it won’t happen to me’ scenario, I didn’t think it would happen in my family and now it has.