Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Estranged son.

109 replies

minecachair · 02/05/2023 21:46

Four years ago,on the telephone with my 26 year old son,literally mid sentence with some inane weather comment,he suddenly said "that's it,I don't want to talk to you ever again" and put down the phone.We've never had any problems,talked frequently,I saw his two children,he was very thoughtful.Absolutely no reason and he has stuck to this.He's moved twice so I don't know his address,just the rough area.His fiancee is lovely and sends me pictures/updates of their children but she has no idea either about the reason for this..I think my son may be aware of her contact-not sure.He doesn't talk to my daughter,his sister,either.I send money for birthdays and Christmases to him and the family(he has never changed his bank account details.Obviously I can't touch his account,just send money to it.)I know he gets it but never acknowledges it although his fiancee always thanks me.His favourite place in the world is the small Scottish village where I was born and he visits frequently.My mother,,who he used to love dearly, still lives there but he never goes to see her.She died in August but again no acknowledgement and he didn't attend the funeral.He and his fiancee are getting married in this village in June but no invitations for myself, his sister (my husband,his father,died five years ago) or anyone in my family.I have absolutely no idea at all what brought all this about-that's what makes it so hard.I haven't done or said anything at all,he had a normal childhood and everything was fine until that phone call.His children will be my only grandchildren as my daughter can't have a baby so I'm missing out on them as well.I've done my very best for all these years to keep the channels of communication open although with no address it's difficult and I'll continue to do so but it breaks my heart.I know everyone will just say to continue with the limited contact I have and I'll do so but I don't know what else to do.

OP posts:
2userspast3 · 02/05/2023 22:56

This sounds very tough, OP. Have you considered letting it go? Accepting that for a reason you don't understand and that he doesn't want to discuss with you, no contact is his final decision. Not sending any more money, and trying to move on mentally and emotionally, with your daughter as, effectively, your only child? If you can make a psychological break (as he apparently has) you might find it easier to find peace and enjoy the family you do have?

Zoomie1 · 02/05/2023 22:59

I am no contact with my mother (for years). My now dead father the same. Children do not cut contact with parents for no reason. Search for the reason and you will find it. Firstly, be honest with yourself.

RoseBucket · 02/05/2023 23:03

So just shortly after his father died? What’s the history there.

Thighdentitycrisis · 02/05/2023 23:09

I was also wondering if this has something to do with the death of his husband

MusicInAWord · 02/05/2023 23:19

NC with my dad for 15 years. He knows exactly why, but would probably write a message like the OP. Your son is NC for a reason - if you want contact, you should address it. People do not go usually go NC for no reason.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/05/2023 23:24

I've never known an adult child go NC with a loving and decent parent that treated them with kindness and fairly for the most part.
There will be a reason and I imagine you know very well what that could be.

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/05/2023 23:34

It must be incredibly hurtful to be a parent whose child has behaved like that and read comments like this, if you really believe that you've done nothing wrong. I know of a few parents who are estranged from their children over the trans issue because the parents won't say that they believe that men can be women or that there are 70+ sexes.

OP can you meet up with his girlfriend and talk to her again?

lookingthroughthekeyhole · 02/05/2023 23:42

Are you judgemental?
Do you have high standards he doesn't see himself reaching?
Are you interfering?
Do you have political views he doesn't agree with?
Are you controlling?
Does he think his sister is the golden child and he the scape goat?
Do you support his life choices?
Have you allowed him space to grow?
Do you criticise him?
Are you proud of him? (From his perspective)
Are you jealous of his relationship?
Do you disagree with his parenting style?
Do you know his boundaries?
Have you been too emotionally needy since his dad died?

There's lots of reasons he may have come to this decision but have you really, really, really asked yourself why?

Honeyboomboom · 02/05/2023 23:45

I agree with the poster who is telling you to stop and to take a long hard look at what your son has told you throughout his life that doesn’t fit with your own narrative.

I’m no contact with my parents due to their inability to take any form of responsibility for their failings. It is the best thing for me and my children given the circumstances I am in. My parents inability to take a look at themselves and address their own issues means that neither they nor I can address this so NC is for the best.

The reason for my NC with my parents is because of their persistent sweeping of SA by a relative against me and my sister under the rug. I mention this because SA is something that posters who suggest that going NC is bad typically make an exception for while the same posters wilfully ignore every other type of emotional, physical and psychological abuse that causes significant harm that many, many shitty parents fail to acknowledge, fail to take any responsibility for or indeed address these behaviours and often they are ongoing. NC is something adult children do as a last resort.

Pallisers · 02/05/2023 23:50

ShannonMcFarland · 02/05/2023 22:16

There must be more to it. Stop playing the doddery old dear and wake up to your failings. Then you might have a chance at salvaging the relationship.

Playing the doddery old dear??? Where the hell did that come from. I have a 26 year old and I am far from a doddery old dear. You may or may not believe what the OP said but she hasn't actually pretended to be an elderly woman. Don't use ageist expressions as insults.

Innocentsongs · 02/05/2023 23:55

The whole non contact thing can be very cruel and unhealthy. I have a friend whose grown up nephews went non contact with their Dad after his divorce from their mother. They also went non contact with their grandparents. A couple of years later their father died unexpectedly and left his wealth to his parents. His mother is elderly and frail and very wealthy and she now relies on her daughter and her daughter's family for care and support. She suffered terrible grief at losing her grandsons and her son (and latterly her husband). The 'boys' are now in their thirties and married and desperately trying to re-establish contact with their grandmother. They are blaming their mother for alienating them from their father and grandparents. The grandmother has dementia and her family having tried for so long to re-establish contact with the grandsons, finally gave up with them. We all suspect it is the loss of inheritance that has prompted a change of heart from the grandsons. Too late, too late.

2userspast3 · 03/05/2023 00:55

lookingthroughthekeyhole · 02/05/2023 23:42

Are you judgemental?
Do you have high standards he doesn't see himself reaching?
Are you interfering?
Do you have political views he doesn't agree with?
Are you controlling?
Does he think his sister is the golden child and he the scape goat?
Do you support his life choices?
Have you allowed him space to grow?
Do you criticise him?
Are you proud of him? (From his perspective)
Are you jealous of his relationship?
Do you disagree with his parenting style?
Do you know his boundaries?
Have you been too emotionally needy since his dad died?

There's lots of reasons he may have come to this decision but have you really, really, really asked yourself why?

A parent who cut off their adult child for one of these faults would be harshly criticised on MN. There are regularly discussions among parents about how heinous a criminal act an adult child would have to commit for the parent to cut them off. Some parents say that no crime would be heinous enough.

Somanycats · 03/05/2023 01:12

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 22:23

Yep. I can’t believe how naive some of these posters are. On what fucking planet do people admit they are toxic/abusive/narcissists. I cut contact with my abusive, dysfunctional narc Dad and he still insists on contacting (annoying) me every birthday / Christmas to pretend he’s some sort of good person, I class it as harassment.

Show quote history

You sound a bit toxic/abusive/narcissistic. Guess we will never know for sure because as you rightly say, perpetrators never admit it. How sad for your poor Dad though. Hope he finds the strength to eventually go fully non contact with you.

MintyBinty · 03/05/2023 03:36

He didn’t just randomly cut you off - he has a reason which you have chosen not to share. I think you know perfectly well why he is NC with you.

lookingthroughthekeyhole · 03/05/2023 09:05

At least the op isn't trying to blame all this on his partner, that's got to be a first.

ily0xx · 03/05/2023 10:01

Somanycats · 03/05/2023 01:12

You sound a bit toxic/abusive/narcissistic. Guess we will never know for sure because as you rightly say, perpetrators never admit it. How sad for your poor Dad though. Hope he finds the strength to eventually go fully non contact with you.

Show quote history

I’m sure someone has gone NC with you and you are defensive. I know I’m none of those things as no one has ever cut me off, all my ex’s like me, meanwhile he has multiple domestic abuse charges, from family members, and his two ex’s including my mother. You are a disgusting individual to defend a domestic abuser because you yourself are toxic and have been cut off (for very good reason I’m sure).

anythinginapinch · 03/05/2023 10:04

Can I ask those who have gone NC with parents, do you still accept money or presents from them for eg if sent through a mutual family member?

Do you "allow" the M or F to be talked about by family, in your presence?

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 03/05/2023 10:29

anythinginapinch · 03/05/2023 10:04

Can I ask those who have gone NC with parents, do you still accept money or presents from them for eg if sent through a mutual family member?

Do you "allow" the M or F to be talked about by family, in your presence?

My IL family member went NC with us and insisted on still sending gifts. I wrote thank you letters for ages because it felt rude not to, all the while feeling it was more than they deserved, but I just couldn't let go of the sense of obligation to say thank you for the unwanted and unsolicited gifts. I also didn't want to show my kids the example of not saying thank you. It was never acknowledged. One day I decided I'd had enough of the game and told DH it was on him or nothing. Eventually they stopped, which we were glad about.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 03/05/2023 10:33

It took one phone call for my DH to go NC with his family. He said it was his parents' choice but I don't know what he said. I was the link for years after. In hindsight, it was a mistake and I should have just let DH deal with his own family however he chose to, or not. NC is just not my style but it wasn't my place to close the gap between their relationship.

MusicInAWord · 03/05/2023 23:52

Can I ask those who have gone NC with parents, do you still accept money or presents from them for eg if sent through a mutual family member?

No - everything goes in the bin.

Do you "allow" the M or F to be talked about by family, in your presence?

Yes.

Birchtrees · 04/05/2023 08:10

I think you need to write your son a letter or ask to meet him to discuss this. Or ask his fiancée to mediate. Don’t just give up. I did the same as your son for three years and my mother never once tried to find out why or sort things out. I assumed she didn’t care enough .

2userspast3 · 04/05/2023 09:56

If OP is able to contact the son (she doesn't know where he lives) then I'd suggest one short and honest letter, saying that she cares about him, misses him and the children etc and she's open to discussion / conciliation etc any time, but doesn't know or understand how he feels about things and is struggling with the situation so will stop all contact unless he initiates it. I'd expect him not to respond and would move on with my life and focus on the daughter and other things. If things are as you say they are, OP, then you gave your son a decent childhood, he's working and has a family. You played a part in his achieving that. It has not all been a failure. Don't let the current situation destroy your memories of when he was younger. I'm assuming here that you were a decent mother and he had a good childhood.

DappledOliveGroves · 04/05/2023 10:23

I think it's wholly simplistic to decide that the OP is the one who's in the wrong. DH is one of four siblings. Three of them all have a good relationship with their parents. The other has gone no-contact with everyone bar one of his sisters. He has mental health issues, a huge chip on his shoulder over his perceived "difficult" childhood and blows hot and cold, veering between going no-contact and sending nasty messages to family members, to being the life and soul of the party and wanting to meet up.

I have immense sympathy for DH's parents, who are lovely. No, they're not perfect. We may not have the same views on everything. But they are loving, caring and have done so much for their children and absolutely do not deserve the abuse they get from their adult son.

CallieQ · 04/05/2023 10:32

ShannonMcFarland · 02/05/2023 22:16

There must be more to it. Stop playing the doddery old dear and wake up to your failings. Then you might have a chance at salvaging the relationship.

So harsh

McSlowburn · 04/05/2023 10:43

DappledOliveGroves · 04/05/2023 10:23

I think it's wholly simplistic to decide that the OP is the one who's in the wrong. DH is one of four siblings. Three of them all have a good relationship with their parents. The other has gone no-contact with everyone bar one of his sisters. He has mental health issues, a huge chip on his shoulder over his perceived "difficult" childhood and blows hot and cold, veering between going no-contact and sending nasty messages to family members, to being the life and soul of the party and wanting to meet up.

I have immense sympathy for DH's parents, who are lovely. No, they're not perfect. We may not have the same views on everything. But they are loving, caring and have done so much for their children and absolutely do not deserve the abuse they get from their adult son.

This is the weirdest, strangest thread and I can't believe all the awful comments about the OP - no wonder she hasn't responded...