Estranged son.

[minecachair]

Four years ago,on the telephone with my 26 year old son,literally mid sentence with some inane weather comment,he suddenly said "that's it,I don't want to talk to you ever again" and put down the phone.We've never had any problems,talked frequently,I saw his two children,he was very thoughtful.Absolutely no reason and he has stuck to this.He's moved twice so I don't know his address,just the rough area.His fiancee is lovely and sends me pictures/updates of their children but she has no idea either about the reason for this..I think my son may be aware of her contact-not sure.He doesn't talk to my daughter,his sister,either.I send money for birthdays and Christmases to him and the family(he has never changed his bank account details.Obviously I can't touch his account,just send money to it.)I know he gets it but never acknowledges it although his fiancee always thanks me.His favourite place in the world is the small Scottish village where I was born and he visits frequently.My mother,,who he used to love dearly, still lives there but he never goes to see her.She died in August but again no acknowledgement and he didn't attend the funeral.He and his fiancee are getting married in this village in June but no invitations for myself, his sister (my husband,his father,died five years ago) or anyone in my family.I have absolutely no idea at all what brought all this about-that's what makes it so hard.I haven't done or said anything at all,he had a normal childhood and everything was fine until that phone call.His children will be my only grandchildren as my daughter can't have a baby so I'm missing out on them as well.I've done my very best for all these years to keep the channels of communication open although with no address it's difficult and I'll continue to do so but it breaks my heart.I know everyone will just say to continue with the limited contact I have and I'll do so but I don't know what else to do.

I know communication isn't a thing for DH's family. I most definitely didn't do the 'nothing to do with me' thing though. They would have been NC years before if it wasn't for me making so many efforts. Sometimes you just can't win though so I stepped out, told DH it was his to sort, and that was that.

Now his mother is very sick. He was planning to write to her. I offered to sort a few photos, which I did. He still hasn't written. If I don't do it, it won't happen. Unfortunately I've learned to stay back but it feels so wrong. A couple of times I've decided I will write but then I remind myself it's not my business to interfere with.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too.

My DS, now 22, came home during a uni break and we had a fabulous weekend and he went back. Apart from two letters, each three pages of A4 rants saying what an awful mother I was and how he's in therapy because of me, I've not heard or seen him in the over 3yrs since. He won't answers calls, texts or emails. I don't know where he lives. He did start seeing a woman a bit older than him when he was 17 who he moved in with. She was very unpleasant to me, his brother and my parents so I suspect she's part of the problem and believe they're still together.

He firstly cut off me, then everyone else. His last letter a year ago says how he has been ostracised by his whole family but he walked away with no reason.

I have no answers or suggestions OP, I just wanted you to know you're not the only person this has happened to and I know how heartbreaking it is.

Seemed keen to get past the issues
What issues? So he did say something to his sister about his reasons? Did you listen to those at all?

Kids learn their conflict resolution skills (good or bad) from somewhere though. My DH's family are all of a kind when it comes to communication (or lack of). And of course, it's the DIL's fault (which is a bad position to take when it's the DIL who is the one keeping the MIL involved and trying to have a relationship).

My family have a very different style. We're all talking. My children have picked up my communication style and have strong opinions on the approach of DH and MIL.

I don’t suppose you will read this, OP, if I was you I would be deleting my account and trying to pretend that this nest of vipers doesn’t exist.

however, for what it is worth, I used to have a friend who had pretty much exactly the same experience. Out of the blue, no warning, no obvious previous trauma (they lived in the next village, so the other party was known to us as well). She was truly baffled, as was everyone who knew the family. Her husband , the child’s father, was still alive and living with the mother, he was included by default in the ban.

I don’t know what happened ultimately in their case. The parents decided to move away , they went about 150 miles to a completely different area. The mother developed breast cancer a few years later and died, I believe unreconciled. I don’t know what happened after that, I was living in a different country by then myself.

To all those who have been so quick to abuse the OP on no evidence at all I would say ‘ judge not, in case you are judged’.

I believe that a DC can be just as unpleasant as a parent and could choose to go NC over something trivial just because they enjoy the control. Not saying it doesn’t happen at all!
It’s just that OP’s post has so many gaps that you can’t help wondering what she’s leaving out.

These things can also be hard to articulate. Maybe he feels angry out of the blue over something that happened years ago that he misinterpreted or that OP has genuinely forgotten. Maybe he has built it up in his head that everyone hated him as a child when really they were busy or there were parental mental health issues such as depression. Maybe he has difficulty getting on with people in general and his family is one more example.
However, as his mother, OP should have some insight into some of this. She seems to have nada.

It could be that DS is at fault. It could be that DM is at fault. It could be they are both contributors to the situation. That's why communication is important. It's how these things get resolved (when the issue isn't so major it can't be).

Agree with this.
My friend’s partner went nc with his his parents as his Mum initially didn’t approve of the relationship. There were understandable reasons for this, which my friend could see, and his Mum did really try and make amends but to no avail.
It clearly isn’t solely the “fault” of the OP, as her son is also estranged from the rest of his family.
I had a period of estrangement from my own parents, thankfully it was resolved. My Mum was handling things badly, and didn’t behave well but I should have dealt with it better too. In the end I broke the stalemate between us and I am very glad I did.
To read this thread you would think it is always the fault of the parent when a child cuts contact, but I don’t believe that is true, having known many different scenarios in my own friendship circle. Of course sometimes a child needs to cut off an abusive parent for their own mental well-being , but I have a wonderful friend whose son became estranged decades ago. She is a loving and gentle person, her other children adore her. He had mental health problems and was involved in a cult. It wasn’t her fault. There can be many different reasons why this happens.
OP in your place I would talk to his fiancé, and ask her to pass on a letter to him, where you explain that you love him and have no idea why he has chosen to leave the family. Sadly there isn’t much else you can do.

Yes I know what the issues are, on both sides , she said he would speak to me about his reasons and listen to my reasons… then back tracked. I know full well why, which I’m not going to say on here, I know I’m not blameless, but to say he will talk, then not, but then asking me to look after his children after not speaking to me for nearly six months is bordering on cruel. My daughter and my other son don’t understand why he’s behaving like he is. He knows where I am if he ever needs me.

Not the same situation but many years (decades) ago my brother went through a long period of significant depression. He functioned on a day to day basis but had therapy. He told me how the therapist blamed his issues on our parents (or he took that from it anyway). Now neither of our parents were perfect (I don't parent in the way they did but partly that is due to modern ideas of parenting having changed) but neither were they abusive.

Was his view the truth? Maybe partly but also I think he just wanted someone to blame for his depression. My dd has anxiety and I see she does the same at times. Relationships are complicated.

My brother never went no contact and has a much more philosophical attitude these days - and has not been depressed for a long time. Our family generally gets on pretty well.

Have you cut your dying gran off as well? Seems odd to cut off the whole family and for his fiancee to keep in touch. If it is something awful surely he would have told her and she would also want nothing to do with the OP?

You can look at it two ways, your way or from your parents point of view e.g. you use them as a convenient place to have stuff delivered but don't give them your address, you have no or low contact so they send money as presents because they don't know what you'd want or have and then you belittle their present.

If they posted you could sound like the problem.

I wouldn't let my children be around a parent who was toxic. So - how bad can he think you are? At least you get to see the grandchildren. Often they are lost with estrangement too.

I also had a neighbour who told me that her son had gone no contact, and she had no idea why. She moved to be in the same village as her daughter, and was very close to daughter's family. Sadly she died of breast cancer.

Family dynamics are so difficult to navigate when you think there's nothing obvious - both of my DBro's have gone NC with me, because I moved out away from our abusive household when I was 19 and I left then (who were then 14 and 12) there. Now in our 30's they blame me for leaving and leaving them there and say they cannot speak to me, or each other while they process this - it's been a year and I am heartbroken but there's nothing I can do to change that.
It definitely feels like their blame is aimed at me and not mum or dad who subjected us all to the physical and emotional abuse.

Our Mum though tries to tell people she thinks they've been brain washed, that they're on drugs etc - anything to defect away from the actual causes as if she was completely innocent in it all.

This doesn't happen for no reason.

Usually going NC is an absolute last resort.

We are NC with DH's parents. They will tell anyone who will listen that they were blindsided and have no idea why.

They were told many times. It's clear to everyone in the wider family why. They are still told, over and over again, in a language we all speak fluently, why.

They've been invited to come to therapy with us to help them understand. They refused to come because they said there is no problem.

They still claim to have no idea. They are so confused. Can't possibly imagine why.

I'm sorry OP for how painful this must be for you but I empathise with your son in this story. People don't suddenly, mid sentence, cut ties with people who raised them and who they have a good (or even just a bearable) relationship with.

But the reason could be that the son has problems, mental health/personality disorder or whatever. It doesn't automatically mean it is the mother's fault.

I think sometimes it can even be six of one and half a dozen of the other.

I do have experience as my DH went NC with his mother more than once.

But the reason could be that the son has problems, mental health/personality disorder or whatever. It doesn't automatically mean it is the mother's fault

My friend's brother is like that. Their mother is not perfect, but then who is, however said brother will only get in touch when he needs something.

I understand that this subject is triggering for people who have gone NC with their parents, but the OP's son is not you and the OP is not your mother. There are horrible parents and there are horrible offspring.

Yes I do see the grandchildren but it’s really difficult. That’s what I don’t understand , if I’m so bad why let me see them, he won’t talk, it’s frustrating really.

Some very nasty people on here. OP came on for support. If I were you OP I'd leave the thread, hide it and get on with your day.

All those attacking you more than likely have lovely, (small), children, think they're great parents and it never crosses their mind that when their kids grow up it can be a different case. Their kids will be adults with their own lives, minds and views shaped by their generation, their experiences and their peers. I've seen it more than once.
My advice would be just carry on as you have been. When the grandchildren grow up they may want to come and meet you. You never know. And if they don't, they don't.
Meanwhile focus on your own life, friends, home, holidays, work - whatever.

I would suspect it is something to do with the DF.
Did the OP have an affair, was there some sort of abuse, did the DF blame the OP for something, what was DF's relationship with the DGM???

@Iwasafool

If the son had a personality disorder- wouldn't his parents have noticed something previously? Likewise with a mental illness, they don't just pop up 'mid sentence' one day.

I have difficulty believing that a parent in this circumstance would be genuinely perplexed about the situation, if they believed it was a symptom of a MH or PD issue.

If that was the case the OP would be writing ' I'm concerned about my son, whose behaviour has changed and health has been deteriorating. Part of that has been reducing his contact with me etc'

Why would she bother starting a thread if she knew fine what the reasons for his behaviour were.

www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

I think this explains it well.