Thread 46 - GCSE Covid Cohort , Searching for Summer Solstice

[OrangeCinnamonLatte]

This is a support thread for our young adults post GCSEs 2020, regardless of their educational setting, and their results ( or life updates for those who went into work or have had results earlier). It is respectfully requested that all are supportive and helpful to each other. If you want to start a debate, e.g state vs private, uni vs employment please don't within this thread.

Some of us have been here since first thread back in yr10, some will be new. Everyone has been friendly and helpful in the past. Everyone is welcome. It is hoped this will continue. We were previously on the secondary board and then further education, now we shall be here in 'Parents of Adult Children' gulp

Our DS/DD may continue down various pathways ( employment, apprenticeships, higher ed). Be warned there might be lots of 'Uni Freshers' chat this time of year. My experience is that everyone is welcomed wherever, whatever their child is doing we have some in work, gap years , apprenticeships etc too. Lots of contributors with different experiences and always sympathy and advice to be had.

Previous Thread

With regards to bedtimes, ours have gone to bed after us for years.

i think I’d find it really hard to come back as an adult and be told when to go to bed. I know it’s really hard for you but can you try to adjust on this, it’s the sort of thing that could potentially make your DS not want to come home so much. Sorry if that sounds harsh, it’s not intended to be

@Piggywaspushed we were always strict bedtime here too so I understand. Mostly because he was swimming at 5am three times a week until covid so he was in bed at 9 until he was 16. Even at Easter holidays he was gong to bed at 10 every night although am sure he doesn’t do that at Uni! Once A levels were finished we didn’t have any house rules but he stuck to them anyway… I think it was just habit!

He has never had technology in the bedroom and no phones and no food upstairs rule which applies to all of us. But while I’m sticking to no food upstairs he is an adult and can disregard everything else. I will be really interested to see how he behaves when he is home ….

Ours wouldn't be a harmonious or laid back family if we were that strict @Piggywaspushed. There would be constant battles as DD would know that other parents don't usually have these rules in place especially when they are adults.

I totally agree with you re sleeping patterns etc and we messed up there as DD is a terrible sleeper (from baby), We were quite strict about no mobiles in the bedroom, then as she got older no mobile after 8.00pm, 9.00pm and had to leave phone downstairs overnight - even when friends came for sleepovers, they did too. I think she was 16 before I relented, definitely the only one of her friendship group that had to do that. But I knew it was important.

DD could certainly be more caring and thoughtful but I really want her to feel welcome in her own home. It's become very apparent that she needs a "safe" space to retreat to, where she can be herself and decompress. If we had lots of rules in place here she wouldn't be able to do this - And we didn't even know about her needs when she was growing up - it's just lucky that she feels home is where she feels most relaxed.

Have you thought about how your rules might make your sons feel? How do you think you would have felt at their age?

Would you consider a compromise in that DS try it and if it keeps you awake ask him to wear headphones whilst watching the tele etc?

I thought I was quite a strict parent but beginning to doubt it! DD has always needed lots of sleep, but DS less so. They had bedtimes when they were young, and encouragement to go to their rooms once they reached 16 ish. Since going to uni they do their own thing. DD usually goes to her room by 10 and will stay there watching Netflix, messaging friends etc. DS is far more nocturnal. He often stays downstairs watching TV, or if he is in his room he will wander downstairs later for snacks, drinks etc. Sometimes he wakes me, but he tries to be quiet. I would never dream if sending them to their rooms at 10 and not letting them out again!
Rent I think is reasonable once they are in full time jobs. My mum used to charge me rent during my summer holidays from uni, even though I was paying a retainer on uni accommodation. I always slightly resented that!
Fathers Day... DS is away at the IoW festival but didn't leave a card or anything before he went, despite me reminding him. DD has bought something but is still asleep having just worked 4 days. She won't appear until lunchtime. Luckily DH isn't that bothered. His dad died when he was very young, so it's not something that ever featured in his childhood.

@DontCallMeBaby "But now I realise it’s the lack of sibling that’s to blame! " that did make me smirk.

@Oblomov23 how am I doing generally? - in all honestly pretty crap. Im feeling very low both mentally and physically, I just want to get better and get out and about so I can then come home ;-). I am so bored. Thank you for asking. This group is so lovely and supportive. - Even if we don't agree on everything ;-)

Thanks for the info on Father's Day. As suspected DD is one of the few who doesn't think of others first. Hoping that will change eventually, and she has improved over the years - just got some way to go yet..

I definitely agree with the rent. DS sent chocolates x 2 and card via Moonpig but one lot of chocolate arrived week early and card and second lot not arrived yet so that's a shame. DH not bothered about Father's Day for himself.

I think DS will be coming home to sleep as doesn't sleep much at uni! DN may have got him an internship in London which would be amazing if it comes off. She is head of HR in some bank. If not he will be making coffee in Starbucks. He managed his overnight trip to Rome with friends with no issues so that was a relief

@Piggywaspushed we are generally a relaxed household - according to my children 🙂. what you say about the shopping / cooking / cleaning really resonates with me. We are firmly in the camp of 'if you want the rights of being an adult you have to embrace the responsibilities'. My DH remembers going off to university and doing as he pleased and finding it really hard when he went home in the holidays that his mum still treated him as if he was at school. He said either he is trusted to adult or he is not... But then a polite conversation about the fact that if your mum is expecting you to be home and cooks for you, it is rude to simply not turn up!
Perhaps a conversation about expectations from both of you would help? They change so much when they move out that you almost have to renegotiate how to share space when they come back! It is one of the few things I remember about that time in my life - how much I changed while everyone at home stayed the same 😕

Just got DS to agree to making is own tea with DS2 once a week so that's a result!! I shall try not to care about the carnage!

No, this is one thing I won't relent on as he has a TV in his room so I can't see the big deal. It wasn't 10 O'clock it was 11.30 so pretty late. It's just bedtime to me. The one thing as a family we have always done is sleep routines!

Yeah, if I still said phone downstairs and light off I could see it, but kitchen bit aside, his room is more comfortable and is large so practically a bedsit!

I have told him this morning that if he did go out we wouldn't expect him back by 11!

Re sons plural - one of the issues is that DS2 has no problem at all with going to bed! He still puts phone downstairs, goes up about 10.40 and reads for an hour or so - so his super considerateness does create a contrast!

I'd be willing to bet that when DS1 has his own kids he does strict bedtimes. He is actually very routine driven himself!

It's not just TV noise that stops me sleeping - it's the thought of people being 'up'. It's a bit sad, I know. But I actually get physically ill if I sleep badly so have a lot of anxiety around sleep. Worse now I'm old...

I normally go to bed at about 10 but I wouldn't dream if making everyone else go to their rooms at the same time! Having a strict bedtime routine for young children makes sense, but I think once they are adults you have to let go a bit. Are your DCs not allowed friends round in the evening?

Hehe, very sensible to post with us and not in AIBU Piggy :)

I get more laid back as I get older. We had many years like others here at alarm going off at stupid o’clock, resulting in DD being quite tame on nights out to make swim sessions. I want her and her friends to feel welcome at our home and so long as they’re respectful, we have no issues with late nights or stopping up. I don’t sleep anyway, but she is an adult. Haven’t had to deal with more intimate sleep overs (yet), god knows what I’ll be like with those requests!

They don't have any!

They have never developed those kind of relationships.

I may not sound it but I am way more laid back than DH. I just have a thing about bed!

I think I must be way more laid back than I thought (or DCs have led me to believe!!). I don't even mind food upstairs as long as any crockery is returned to the kitchen and wrappers etc are disposed of properly. I'm finding this quite unsettling 😁😁

@ealingwestmum having the BF staying over certainly takes some getting used to. But I was determined I wasn't going to be like my Mum who didn't believe in sex before marriage! I'm lucky in that she didn't have a bf until 18.5 so I didn't have the dilemma of what to do had she been younger as I would have struggled with that. He stays here approx 2-3 nights a week now and she stays at his 1 night. His family are stricter and they can't have people there during the week so she stays there Fridays night when not at uni. I have to admit to finding it a bit intrusive in that I can't just go to the bathroom in the middle of the night without putting clothes on (not that DD has ever caught me but it would be awful if bf did)! Also we've found that both DH and I go to the bathroom downstairs more often as it's right next to their room :-) but I want her to feel welcome here. She sees it as being long term so her life now includes him.

I don’t get the pile up of multiple mugs on the desk. Yuk. When DD and DH wfh in their respective office/rooms I go into total mum moan mode when I see this, I just couldn’t do it.

She was sweet with her dad this morning, nice quality bottle of red and a card, followed by a walk with dog in shady park. Her annual cards to both of us normally consist of thank you thank you for putting up with my shitness for another year. Me and her have had a life long argument icebreaker of her being a ‘shitorter’. Don’t know the spelling, but I think it’s a German or Austrian type cake we picked up in an v early series of Bake Off. it’s stuck ever since…

@seeline I know what you mean - I was always the strict parent . Also had the no tele in bedroom rule and no food upstairs when younger but have let go a lot over the last couple of years.

Good for you Heifer, I think I would be similar. She’s pretty unlucky in love (but lucky for me), though don’t tell her that 😂

I don't mind food upstairs, especially if he has bought it! But, the coffee stains all over his carpet are irritating !

Interesting reading about different parental attitudes to sleep & nocturnal activities. My kids have always become nocturnal in the holidays. Ds1 is particularly bad. I frequently wake up to the smell of food cooking. Ds2 often makes pizza & ds1 has been known to cook steak in the middle of the night.
But even with DD1 who's now 24 we don't have boyfriends staying overnight 😂. Dd2 has a secret boyfriend at boarding school that dh doesn't know about. As he would be horrified ( she's 18 ) He's very protective of the girls, not so much the boys.

We are laid back WRT bedtimes. When they were tiny we had a strict routine, as in the order we did things and doing them the same every night, but the times varied a bit depending whether it was nursery day, grandparents day or home day. By the time they were in later primary school it was apparent that most of their peers were going to bed a bit earlier than them, but it worked for us, I remember when DS went up to Cubs people moaning that it didn’t finish till after the DCs bedtime but it wasn’t a problem here. By the time they were about 10 they were staying up till 10ish on weekends / holidays.

For the last 2 or 3 years they have been going to bed later than me and usually earlier than DH - DH and I rarely go up at the same time as each other or at the same time night to night (I vary between about 10.30 and midnight and DH varies between about 11 and 3 falls asleep on the sofa. The DCs don’t really go out in the evenings other than to do sport or with us, neither of them has friends close enough here and they are just not that sociable, preferring to watch TV or whatever. I don’t mind food upstairs so long as no trace is left. They both get up and get off to school, college, work or whatever OK and have been excellent sleepers their whole lives. The TV is underneath their bedrooms so if they are still watching it doesn’t disturb me, although our house is pretty small (Victorian terrace).

Father Day - both are working today. DD bought DH a box of sweets, DS forgot completely. I made a cooked breakfast and bought a Colin the Caterpillar cake. DH and I both sent cards to our dads and we will phone them both when the DCs are home from work and can chat to them (we are a family that still does quite a lot of chatting on the phone).

Oh and the DCs never needed blackout curtains or noticed when the clocks changed. Eating is our big problem area but I won’t get started on that, it is infuriating.

On all issues of bedtimes, tidiness, etc, I have to be a bit careful now what I say as DD spent three hours in the car with my dad a few weeks back. She now knows a LOT more about what I was like as a teenager/young 20-something. Dammit! 😂

It would be a deal breaker for Ds. IHe has always been nocturnal and I was on melatonin for years. Some autistic people don’t produce enough. We have no TV’s upstairs though he does watch on his laptop and he now has a monitor for his x box.

Also dd works evenings so her sleep pattern when she’s home is different.
he actually disturbs me less when he’s downstairs than upstairs. We have no noise rules after a certain time & but I’d never dream of telling an adult when to be in their room. I would see it as my problem to deal with, not theirs. I imagine neither of them would come home much if I dictated that.

dh is a poor sleeper and often goes downstairs so as not to disturb me.