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My son said he won't visit if I don't let him bring his dog
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Domestic1980 · 27/07/2022 08:11

Hi
My son lives 4 hours from us. ( he's 18)he works away from home 95% of the time.I have just looked after his dog for 3 weeks, which I offered. As he had work commitments.
But I hated it, I'm slightly allergic I had sore throat and had runny nose even allergy tablets didn't help and I just hated having the dog, the smell, the mess ect
When he came to collect the dog I told him I was happy that I could help him this time but I didn't enjoy it at all and that I don't want the dog in my house anymore....I said it nicely without a big fuss or anything and explained why.
He told me that it was fine but he wouldn't be able to come and see me anymore if he couldn't bring the dog.
Am I been unreasonable?

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TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 27/07/2022 08:14

How do you expect him to visit you if he can’t bring the dog? As in, what do you expect him to do with it?

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Lengokengo · 27/07/2022 08:14

Neither of you are unreasonable. You have your wants and needs, he has his. What’s a good compromise? Meet up half way at a dog friendly pub? For a country walk?

It’s clear you cannot look after his dog in the future so he clear on the boundaries. If he cannot afford to pay for care, he has to sort out other arrangements as this is his problem to solve.

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Dotcheck · 27/07/2022 08:20

He’s 18 and has his own life now.
It’s fine if you don’t want the dog over, but the consequence is that he won’t come over.

Surely you could put up with the dog for a short visit from your son? I’d put up with a sore throat if it meant my son could visit.


Careful OP, you’re setting a dangerous precedent for your relationship with your adult son

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Suzi888 · 27/07/2022 08:23

No- but neither of you are.



Personally I’d take an allergy tablet and request the dog has his paws washed/he’s groomed before he visits. I have a lab and my house does not smell- that’s not us being used to the smell- we have visitors and they’ve not known we have a dog until he strolls in or they see his bed.

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NoSquirrels · 27/07/2022 08:24

When did he get the dog? If he works away 95% of the time, who looks after it usually? I assume this is all a very recent situation.

If you live 4 hours apart, and you won’t have the dog in your house, then of course he’s going to find it hard to come and stay.

Equally, if you’re allergic I guess you’re not going to be able to stay with him.

So… not sure what you expect, really. You’re not unreasonable, but neither is he.

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Frazzled2207 · 27/07/2022 08:25

Well I’d not want to not see my son so I’d allow the dog to come with him when he visited
assuming he visits on weekends/evenings , he won’t be able to get doggy day care so what would you suggest he do?

YWNBU to say you don’t want the dog staying overnight again though. Next time he has “work commitments” he should sort something else out, though arguably should have done before getting the dog In the fief place. Surely we all have “work commitments”☹️

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NoSquirrels · 27/07/2022 08:26

There’s a big difference between doing 3 weeks solo dogsitting and a weekend where the dog comes to stay with its owner. You don’t need to offer the first (his dog, his responsibility) but putting up with a bit of inconvenience and an allergy tablet for a weekend seems like it would be a compromise.

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Costacoffeeplease · 27/07/2022 08:27

What else do you want him to do with the dog? I’d be proud of him for not neglecting his pet

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Beamur · 27/07/2022 08:27

Both of you have taken a very oppositional stance.
A bit of compromise on both sides perhaps is needed?

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Charlieiscool · 27/07/2022 08:28

He isn’t a considerate young man at all if your problem with allergies are less important than being with the dog. Does he take it to work and stay beside it 24/7? No holidays or nights out?

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TibetanTerrah · 27/07/2022 08:28

If he works away from home 95% of the time, what does he normally do with the dog?

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Afterfire · 27/07/2022 08:28

Who looks after his dog when he works normally?

I wouldn’t want a dog in my house either.

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Twiglets1 · 27/07/2022 08:29

I would put up with a mild allergy for the sake of seeing my son ( and I do have allergies to certain things like cats). Obviously it would be fair for you to say you can’t look after the dog anymore when he goes away for a few weeks but I would personally accept the dog being in my home for a few days while my son was visiting. Just set some ground rules such as the dog can’t go upstairs.

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Mumdiva99 · 27/07/2022 08:29

We have cats and my cousin can't bring her dog. So it goes to doggy day care on the days she visits us. Isn't that what pet owners do if they can't take the pet with them? Or put it in kennels or get a dog sitter if it's overnight?

Your son sounds quite young and selfish. I hope you explained it was the allergy that you struggled with and not the dog itself.

Maybe try meeting half way one time, and then see if he can come to you without dog another time.

What does he do with the dog when he's at work?

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RampantIvy · 27/07/2022 08:30

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 27/07/2022 08:14

How do you expect him to visit you if he can’t bring the dog? As in, what do you expect him to do with it?

Kennels
Dog sitter/walker

Loads of people have dogs with no-one else to look after them. You accept this as part of being a dog owner.

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BonnesVacances · 27/07/2022 08:30

What do people with dogs do when they go to visit someone? Do they expect to just take their dog with them everywhere? Don't they consider that before they get one? Not everyone wants a dog in their house. Confused

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ImAvingOops · 27/07/2022 08:30

Can you not let him bring the dog but keep it contained to downstairs or not in the carpeted areas to minimise allergy and clearing up afterwards? I wouldn't look after it again for 3 weeks on my own but I would let my son visit with the dog. He can't really leave it behind if he's 4 hours away.

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Kanaloa · 27/07/2022 08:31

Costacoffeeplease · 27/07/2022 08:27

What else do you want him to do with the dog? I’d be proud of him for not neglecting his pet

He’s got a pet when he works away constantly and has left his mum to watch it for 3 weeks. I wouldn’t exactly be bursting with pride.

I wouldn’t want the dog over - you’re allergic. If he can’t arrange any care for his dog to see you perhaps you could meet out of the house or for very short periods. Or whoever takes his dog when he works could maybe care for it while he visits you?

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TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 27/07/2022 08:35

I would say no to solo dog sitting but if you don’t let him bring it round when he comes he’s going to be a bit stuck.

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UnbeatenMum · 27/07/2022 08:35

You might find a different antihistamine works better for you, would be worth asking your GP.

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Wellthatsjustswell · 27/07/2022 08:36

BonnesVacances · 27/07/2022 08:30

What do people with dogs do when they go to visit someone? Do they expect to just take their dog with them everywhere? Don't they consider that before they get one? Not everyone wants a dog in their house. Confused

Quite.

As a dog owner I’ve never felt the need to force someone else to allow my dog into their dog free home. This seems to be quite a new entitlement people have. Our dog has either gone to kennels when we are away, someone has looked after them or we haven’t gone and we’ve accepted that we can’t just pop off somewhere because we have chosen to have a dog.

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SpacePotato · 27/07/2022 08:42

Nice emotional blackmail from your son there.

If he only comes to see you 5% of his time then that really isn't a lot for him to pay for dog kennels or ask someone who lives near him to take it for a few days.

I wouldn't want someone's dog in my home, on my furniture, or shitting in my house or garden. Their pet, their problem.

All those saying they'd be proud he's looking after his pet, yeah, whilst giving no shits about his mother's physical or mental health. So proud.

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Domestic1980 · 27/07/2022 08:47

It's a real tough one. I absolutely hated having the dog but I obviously love seeing my son.
This is still his home but he lives at work most of the time and part of me is cross because he didn't discuss how I would feel about having a dog here and just assumed I would be OK with it. When he is here with the dog he stays in his room and leaves me to sort the dog out, if I call him him to sort the dog he does but it would be left to me if he didn't.

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Domestic1980 · 27/07/2022 08:48

This is my thoughts. for a couple of weekends a year I think he could put her in kennels. He earns a good wage so money isn't the issue.

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Ragwort · 27/07/2022 08:52

You are absolutely within your rights to say 'no' to the dog visiting, your DS sounds utterly selfish if he isn't even caring for the dog when he is with you.

I would just avoid any further discussion for the time being.

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