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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

My son said he won't visit if I don't let him bring his dog

101 replies

Domestic1980 · 27/07/2022 08:11

Hi
My son lives 4 hours from us. ( he's 18)he works away from home 95% of the time.I have just looked after his dog for 3 weeks, which I offered. As he had work commitments.
But I hated it, I'm slightly allergic I had sore throat and had runny nose even allergy tablets didn't help and I just hated having the dog, the smell, the mess ect
When he came to collect the dog I told him I was happy that I could help him this time but I didn't enjoy it at all and that I don't want the dog in my house anymore....I said it nicely without a big fuss or anything and explained why.
He told me that it was fine but he wouldn't be able to come and see me anymore if he couldn't bring the dog.
Am I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
LIZS · 27/07/2022 09:26

Meet outside, will dog stay in a garden or crate?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 27/07/2022 09:26

BonnesVacances · 27/07/2022 08:30

What do people with dogs do when they go to visit someone? Do they expect to just take their dog with them everywhere? Don't they consider that before they get one? Not everyone wants a dog in their house. Confused

Yes, I don't understand this stance, Dogs are not welcome in my home, I don't care who it is but none of my friends or family have just randomly brought their dog for a visit.

midgetastic · 27/07/2022 09:27

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 27/07/2022 08:14

How do you expect him to visit you if he can’t bring the dog? As in, what do you expect him to do with it?

He works
I assume without the dog

midgetastic · 27/07/2022 09:28

Do you have a garden ?

CandyLeBonBon · 27/07/2022 09:30

I'm confused. Is the dog a part of his job? If he's military I can't see how he'd just be able to take a random pet with him, so if it's part of his job, then surely you would've had a conversation about looking after it etc before he got it? Is this a new situation? If he lives with you but has the dog at work why were you looking after it for 3 weeks? I don't understand!

PuttingDownRoots · 27/07/2022 09:35

In regiments/units, it is perfectly normal to take pet dogs to work with you. There are rules, and they have to pay for pet damage or gates.
When their owner is away, they stay with another person they work with. But they go home when owner is on leave

However, its unreasonable to want to bring an animal into the home of someone allergic.

Original poster
Domestic1980 · 27/07/2022 09:42

It’s a pet not part of his job

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2022 09:49

@PuttingDownRoots i assume that only works if you have an office based job.

TitInATrance · 27/07/2022 09:50

Possibly outing, name change coming up. I don’t have dogs in my house and have less contact with some loved relatives than I would otherwise wish.

With DD and her poorly trained dog and CBA attitude we had a much bigger row when I tried to tolerate the dog and it shat indoors - because she couldn’t be bothered to get up and walk it - than we ever would have had if I’d just said no don’t come.

She got fed up with the dog and rehomed it.
Our relationship continues to be strained.

TrashPandas · 27/07/2022 09:55

briancormorant · 27/07/2022 09:13

He is just being Selfish. Of course you are more important than the dog.

This is a false dichotomy though. Nobody has to choose between the OP and the dog if she puts up with a runny nose for a few weekends a year. That isn't an unreasonable ask.

OP, is it a working dog or a pet?

TrashPandas · 27/07/2022 09:56

Sorry just saw you already answered that. I'm surprised people in the armed forces are allowed to have a pet with them all day at work?!

Original poster
Domestic1980 · 27/07/2022 09:56

Pet not working dog.

OP posts:
Original poster
Domestic1980 · 27/07/2022 09:59

Also it’s not just weekends sometime he has leave that are 4 weeks long

OP posts:
TrashPandas · 27/07/2022 10:01

Okay, but for 5% of the year I would be happy to put up with a runny nose if it meant seeing my child. In fact I have allergy symptoms (hay fever) for several months of the year and it isn't a big deal.

Him expecting you to care for the dog would bother me a lot more. That's the hill I'd choose to die on.

Hugasauras · 27/07/2022 10:04

It's fine for you not to want the dog but it's also fine for him to be unable to visit as often because he can't leave the dog. That's just the way it is. If we couldn't take our dog with us to my parents then we would have to go a lot less than we do. Thankfully we are all doggy people and dogs are always welcome with their humans (or more like humans are always welcome with their dogs Grin). It's just a disconnect in lifestyles, so you'll both need to find a compromise that works: meeting halfway, for example.

CallOnMe · 27/07/2022 10:11

If it was just a couple of weekends then I’d say he needs to put the dog in kennels.

But he can’t put the dog in kennels for 4 weeks.

Is he not allowed to stay in the army accommodation when he’s on leave?

He may have to look into getting a house share which allows pets and then making that his home that he goes back to.

I feel really sorry for him and if it was me I would absolutely let him bring the dog home but if you’re allergic and you’ve tried allergy tablets etc then there’s nothing you can do and it’s not your fault so even though it’s a waste of money he’s going to have to find somewhere else to call home.

pictish · 27/07/2022 10:13

He’s got a responsibility to the dog now so he’ll have to cease staying with you if you won’t have it in your house. There are kennels I suppose but they’re damn expensive and frankly I’d resent paying it when I was available to look after my dog myself. Being honest, I’d choose the dog.

Fraaahnces · 27/07/2022 10:15

If he is visiting you, then surely you can make it conditional that he will be responsible for doing all of the dog’s cares… (Walking, feeding, brushing, toileting and cleaning, etc…) If he is going out, then the dog does too. He won’t be leaving the dog with you to go and play with his friends. He can vacuum every day while he’s there and you can take an antihistamine.

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2022 10:17

@CallOnMe you feel sorry for someone who got a dog without checking with his mum whether it would be okay, as he effectively still lives at home when not at work

Original poster
Domestic1980 · 27/07/2022 10:22

@toomuchlaundry thank you, I suppose that’s the crooks of it. He’s got a dog when he hasn’t got any where to live apart from when he is at work.
he still classes this as home and hasn’t asked me. I tried doing it with good grace and it didn’t work out for a number of reasons.
but ultimately he didn’t check and I would of 100% said no if I had been given the opportunity to have any input.

OP posts:
IrisVersicolor · 27/07/2022 10:32

I don’t like dogs but I’d put up with one for a weekend to see family. Wouldnt do 3 weeks though, there’s a big difference.

Original poster
Domestic1980 · 27/07/2022 10:44

@Fraaahnces that would cause more arguments than saying a straight out no.
he’s a good lad but he’d kick up a stink if I said he had to do all that.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2022 10:53

@Domestic1980 he’s not a good lad if he refuses to look after his dog when living at home with you. He also should be doing chores when at home. He technically isn’t visiting, he lives there.

RampantIvy · 27/07/2022 10:57

I can't get over the self entitlement of some dog owners. You get a dog, they are your responsibility.

You accept that not everyone wants a dog in their house and provide alternative arrangements for their care when you are unable to care for them. It is very rude to expect other people to accommodate your dog. And if you value your dog more than your family then own it. And I say this as someone who likes dogs, but I'm not a self entitled selfish arsehole.

When we had cats we used to put them in a cattery when we went on holiday.

Original poster
Domestic1980 · 27/07/2022 11:13

I suppose my original post simplified the situation
just for clarity for the people who are asking if I have a garden, yes I have I’ve just spend thousands having it landscaped, the dog has dug holes in my lawn, eaten and trampled on my flowers.
I can’t leave her in the kitchen, she chews. She’s only young.

OP posts: