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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

My son said he won't visit if I don't let him bring his dog

101 replies

Domestic1980 · 27/07/2022 08:11

Hi
My son lives 4 hours from us. ( he's 18)he works away from home 95% of the time.I have just looked after his dog for 3 weeks, which I offered. As he had work commitments.
But I hated it, I'm slightly allergic I had sore throat and had runny nose even allergy tablets didn't help and I just hated having the dog, the smell, the mess ect
When he came to collect the dog I told him I was happy that I could help him this time but I didn't enjoy it at all and that I don't want the dog in my house anymore....I said it nicely without a big fuss or anything and explained why.
He told me that it was fine but he wouldn't be able to come and see me anymore if he couldn't bring the dog.
Am I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 27/07/2022 08:52

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 27/07/2022 08:14

How do you expect him to visit you if he can’t bring the dog? As in, what do you expect him to do with it?

What do you think other people do with their dogs? Kennels, sitters etc.

OP you are allergic, you are being totally reasonable.

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 27/07/2022 08:57

Your ds sounds like a decent ddog owner. Could you contain it to the downstairs /kitchen only?

dessertsun · 27/07/2022 08:59

Your son has chosen to get a dog when he works away 95% of the time?
His work is incompatible to having a dog unless he owns it with someone else. Therefore he clearly doesn't want to have to sort other arrangements for the dog while he is not away.
You are an afterthought/consequence; he probably is counting on the fact that as your son you love him, and therefore will immediately overlook the not wanting to have dog in the house. As others have said, it's emotional blackmail. I don't know what I'd do personally, but I'd definitely know that son was being manipulative and wouldn't be overly pleased with it.

Bookshadow · 27/07/2022 08:59

He lives 4 hours away so he can't just leave his dog. If he only stayed at your house for 2 hours after his 4 hour journey he would still be away from the dog for 10 hours which is too long. He either puts his dog in kennels or doesn't come. I wouldn't put my dog in kennels either so I get his reluctance. It just isn't possible for him to leave his dog so he can't come.

I would be worried that if you cannot visit each other for years because you cannot be near his dog it may become a habit. I think you should take an anti histimine and see your son who would already be making a big effort to see you by travelling 4 hours each way. I would also try and restrict dog access to 1 or 2 rooms and the garden.

OldWivesTale · 27/07/2022 09:00

What does ds do with his dog while he's at work?

Poor bloody dog. But it's not your problem OP; your son is irresponsible to get a dog in these circumstances - but then most 18 year old are, I suppose.

Kanaloa · 27/07/2022 09:00

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 27/07/2022 08:57

Your ds sounds like a decent ddog owner. Could you contain it to the downstairs /kitchen only?

Why are people saying this? Do they have really low bars for good pet owners/being proud of their sons?

If you get a pet you don’t have care arranged for when you work away long term and leave your mother to care for it you’re not a good pet owner. You’re not even as good a pet owner as the person who realised they can’t care for a pet so don’t even have one.

dessertsun · 27/07/2022 09:01

Just seen that he leaves you to sort dog while he visits. Prime example of someone not mature enough to look after a dog, at 18 I'm not surprised.

Womencanlift · 27/07/2022 09:02

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 27/07/2022 08:57

Your ds sounds like a decent ddog owner. Could you contain it to the downstairs /kitchen only?

How is he a decent dog owner if he stays in his room and expects his allergic mum to sort the dog out?

OP your home, your rules. I would never have anyone’s dog in my home and for anyone who does have one we either meet at a neutral location or I go to their house.

clpsmum · 27/07/2022 09:02

Who has the dog while he is working away?

ComDummings · 27/07/2022 09:05

YANBU at all. I wouldn’t expect to bring my pets anywhere and if staying at someone’s house I would always use a cat sitter/dog sitter or kennels.

Bookshadow · 27/07/2022 09:05

By working away from home it read to me that the OP meant her DS lived at work 95% of the time with his dog and only returned to see her 5% of the time. I thought he must be in army accommodation or something with his dog so he doesn't leave it alone all the time. Is that what you meant or did you mean he works almost 24 hours a day and only returns to his own home for 5% of the time, an hour and 12 minutes every 24 hours?

Freckledot · 27/07/2022 09:06

He shouldn’t have gotten a dog yet, everything has it’s time and this isn’t the time by the sounds of it.

CallOnMe · 27/07/2022 09:08

Neither of you are BU here.

Have I got this correct - he still lives with you but he’s only home for a couple weekends a year as he lives at work for the rest of the year?

So he basically has nowhere else to go?
And he either rents a place that takes dogs for a couple of weekends a year or puts it in kennels?

Is his dog a work dog?
As this may be why he doesn’t put it in kennels.

Original poster
Domestic1980 · 27/07/2022 09:09

He lives away due to work. His home his here. As in all his things are here. So when his on leave ect this is his home. He hasn't got his own place he lives at work.

OP posts:
CallOnMe · 27/07/2022 09:11

By working away from home it read to me that the OP meant her DS lived at work 95% of the time with his dog and only returned to see her 5% of the time. I thought he must be in army accommodation or something with his dog so he doesn't leave it alone all the time.

That’s how I read it too.

If that’s the case it may be that he needs to stay in his work accommodation all year round and then you go and visit his area but not his home.

Obviously if he works on a ship or something which means he can’t stay there all year round then it’s a different issue.

Beamur · 27/07/2022 09:12

I'm confused about where the dog lives?

Original poster
Domestic1980 · 27/07/2022 09:13

He’s armed forces so it it with him during the day at work

OP posts:
briancormorant · 27/07/2022 09:13

He is just being Selfish. Of course you are more important than the dog.

shreddednips · 27/07/2022 09:15

Domestic1980 · 27/07/2022 09:09

He lives away due to work. His home his here. As in all his things are here. So when his on leave ect this is his home. He hasn't got his own place he lives at work.

If your house is his home and he regularly comes back, he should have either asked you if you minded having a dog in your house for x% of the time or made a plan for how he would have the dog cared for where he lives most of the time if you weren't happy. Should have done this before getting the dog!

Not that this helps you now, sorry. I don't think you're wrong to not want the dog there for any reason, but especially as you're allergic and he leaves a lot of the care to you when he's there. The obvious solution would be to get a petsitter to stay with the dog when DS is at home with you, but if he can't afford that then I don't know what the solution is 😬

SingingInParadise · 27/07/2022 09:17

Well if he is working away most if the time, long enough that he can think about having a dog etc… then he isn’t living at home anymore.

He has decided to get a dog with all the responsibility coming with it. That includes the fact that he might need to find a pet sitter/kennels when he is coming to see you (or anyone else that has issues with dogs). At 18yo, I suspect he is still in the ‘selfish’ stage on teenagehood though.

For me a compromise would be


  • buying an HEPA filter to reduce allergens in the house. This should help with your allergic reaction to the dog as well as the smell.

  • expect him to deal with the dog when he is coming, incl all the top up vacuuming, tidying.


Im also thinking that he might not realise how much impact it has on you if you’ve never had an allergic reaction to dogs before. It might also be that it was more work than you realised and it dragged you down - in which case, the situation will be different if he is coming with the dog vs having the dog in your own.

greenacrylicpaint · 27/07/2022 09:17

yanbu
health takes priority and as you are allergic the dog cannot come into your home.

would a kennel in the garden a suitable compromise?

Beamur · 27/07/2022 09:18

So he can't leave it behind when he visits because the dog is his responsibility?
In which case, I don't know what you expect him to do with it. Is there a boarding kennel nearby or somewhere where the dog can be looked after?
Can he step up and do more in the house to keep down the exposure to allergens for you?
I can sympathise with not wanting the dog in the house but you leave your son with few options.

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2022 09:19

So is he a dog handler or does he just have a pet dog in his accommodation?

user1469095927 · 27/07/2022 09:19

To be fair I can see both sides of this. I would love a dog but my DH wouldn't and wouldn't want one in the house (at best if we had somebody visit the dog would have to stay in the garden). On top of that one of DD has an extreme fear of dogs so on that basis we wouldn't allow a dog in the house. We cannot go to my parents at the same time as one of siblings because she takes her dog so my daughter wouldnt be able to cope. I am not sure all dog owners would assume that people want to have a dog in their house.

Also if your son is away for weeks at work, perhaps a dog was not the most suitable pet for him?

WonderingWanda · 27/07/2022 09:23

He is being unreasonable in my opinion. I have friends and family who have dogs and they can't come to my house because they would eat my cat. It's no big deal, they arrange a dog sitter or doggy day care or kennels. Tell your son to stop being stroppy and offering ultimatums. Also send him a link to some sort of dig sitting service in his area and offer to contribute if he's on a low income being only 18. He needs to realise that dog is a big commitment.

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