My son said he won't visit if I don't let him bring his dog

[Domestic1980]

Hi
My son lives 4 hours from us. ( he's 18)he works away from home 95% of the time.I have just looked after his dog for 3 weeks, which I offered. As he had work commitments.
But I hated it, I'm slightly allergic I had sore throat and had runny nose even allergy tablets didn't help and I just hated having the dog, the smell, the mess ect
When he came to collect the dog I told him I was happy that I could help him this time but I didn't enjoy it at all and that I don't want the dog in my house anymore....I said it nicely without a big fuss or anything and explained why.
He told me that it was fine but he wouldn't be able to come and see me anymore if he couldn't bring the dog.
Am I been unreasonable?

[hatedbythedailymail22]

@Bananaman123

I live alone and would be the same, if dog can’t go I wouldn’t visit. She is my shadow and wouldn’t cope well away from me for a long time and I don’t have money to get someone to look after her

You, like many, seem to have entirely missed the point.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

@Domestic1980

@WhereYouLeftIt thank you for your comments, they are much appreciated.
it’s a really tough situation.
I’ve always been a “mummsy mum” and usually do pretty much anything to avoid conflict….although I am the boss in the house 😉( I live with hubby and 3 sons)
he joined the army at 16 and up until now he’s been treated like visiting royalty when he comes home.
but this time something changed in me I suppose. I’d been left with this dog for three weeks, I was allergic which I told him about and when he came to get the dog, he brought his girlfriend with him and they literally lay in bed all weekend.
i told him I’d trained the dog not to jump up as I didn’t like it but he came in and was encouraging her to jump up.
my logic at the minute is he got a dog with out asking me and as an adult he has to live with the consequences as maybe it’s time to grow up a bit.
i suppose I’ve seen him in a different light.
I jokingly said I’m going so start charging you when you come home, you eat so much. His reply again was I won’t bother coming home then.
we actually get on very well, but I’m beginning to wonder if that’s because it always Been on his terms.

"my logic at the minute is he got a dog with out asking me and as an adult he has to live with the consequences as maybe it’s time to grow up a bit.
i suppose I’ve seen him in a different light.
I jokingly said I’m going so start charging you when you come home, you eat so much. His reply again was I won’t bother coming home then.
we actually get on very well, but I’m beginning to wonder if that’s because it always Been on his terms."

Yep, no more Little Emperor, it's time for him to embrace his adulthood! Stick to your guns - no dog, and he contributes to his costs. He's earning. If he were working locally he'd be paying dig money, you're only planning to charge him for food. He really is pushing his luck! He'll change his tune when he explores his options. Doss with friends/girlfriend - I expect they all live with their parents, who'll tell him 'no' too. AIrBnB / ordinary B&B - they won't take the dog and he'll be paying for his own food. So, stick to your guns over the dog / costs and enjoy watching the dawning realisation that he's had it soft and he needs to buck up his ideas!

[Kanaloa]

@TrashPandas

Okay, but for 5% of the year I would be happy to put up with a runny nose if it meant seeing my child. In fact I have allergy symptoms (hay fever) for several months of the year and it isn't a big deal.

Him expecting you to care for the dog would bother me a lot more. That's the hill I'd choose to die on.

Okay, but for 5% of the year a reasonable person would pay for care for their pet rather than expect their mother to tolerate discomfort and allergies. Wonderful that you would just ‘put up with’ a runny nose but many people (op included) don’t want other people’s dogs that they’re allergic to in their home. As a dog owner even before you acquire the dog your first thought should be ‘hmm what will I do with this dog when I’m living with my mother who kindly provides me a home when I’m on leave?’

[Domestic1980]

@SingingInParadise thank you. Thinking ahead is not his strong point😂 I’ve asked this and he just says he will sort it.
its the first time I’ve posted on here and I’ve found it really helpful, it’s made me think I’m going to stick to my guns as I think this might be a good life lesson for him… wish me 🍀

[lucylooareyou]

As someone who owns 2 dogs myself - i think he is being very very unreasonable.

Your reasons for not wanting the dog in your home are very valid, not that they even need to be - its your home. But i would never expect someone to facilitate my dogs.

If we visit family that are a distance away, we pay for a dog sitter - and that's what he should be doing.

[CandyLeBonBon]

Do you know what op? Now that I'm a bit clearer, no, he doesn't get to bring his dog.

I have 3 dc and a dog. My mum also has a dog. My dog can get funny around other dogs, so if we visit her, I make arrangement s for my dog to be looked after so as not to inconvenience her. She also doesn't have space to put us up so we stay in an airbnb or similar. Because I'm an adult and don't expect my mum to cater to my every whim.

[SingingInParadise]

Btw he will also have to find a way to deal with the dog when he can’t have him with him. You’ve looked after the dog for 3 weeks. It’s not going to happen again. What will he do? What is his plan there?

I suspect he hasn’t thought that far ahead either….

[SingingInParadise]

Hmm…. You know he might change his tune when he has to find somewhere to live for 4 weeks at a time. Pay the rent, council tax etc… find a 0ace that will be happy with dogs (not all rentals) etc…

atm you have been treating like royalty. The army is looking after him so he still has no experience of real life where he has to pay for food, a roof over his head etc…

i think your answer was perfect. I wouldn’t make a huge deal out of it. But he will have to find a way to grow up in his own way. He can’t expect people to just accept anything and everything because HE decided he wanted <insert dog/stay in bed etc…>

[Frazzled2207]

You know this but if his home is your house he was daft and irresponsible to get a dog without discussing it with you first. Really selfish behaviour to turn up with the dog and a gf and stay in his room and expect you to deal with the dog.

he definitely needs to step up to look after the dog. Or rehome him.

[Grimchmas]

I think you're realising that you have molly coddled him a bit too much now and that it's backfiring.

You are well within your rights to set boundaries and stick to them: he's pushing back because he's not used to it and it would suit him better if you had none.

He absolutely needs to pull his own weight and look after his own dog. I think allowing the dog when he comes for a weekend is reasonable, but not for weeks, and CERTAINLY not you doing the caring of the dog, that's just insane.

He isn't at the life stage where it's practical to have a pet dog, and there are natural consequences.

[CannibalQueen]

Meet outside where both the dog and you can breathe.

[FarFarFarAndAway]

I couldn't have a dog in my house as I have a house cat! It's totally unreasonable to have someone just decide a dog is living with you part of the time, not ask you, not take care of it properly, and threaten not to visit if you say you are allergic! This is very much an 18 year old thing to do without thinking it through. I don't see why you have to have the dog, I'd probably allow it for a short (like a few hours) visit as I could contain my cat for a few hours but not beyond that. The fact the dog is destructive, not properly trained and young just makes it all worse. You are mum who has always picked up after him and he's cross you aren't doing that on this occasion.

[2bazookas]

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

How do you expect him to visit you if he can’t bring the dog? As in, what do you expect him to do with it?

He can leave it with a friend, get a dogsitter, put it in kennels.

This is what I and responsible grown up dog owners do whenever and wherever we can't take the dog ( to visit, to hotels, on planes/long train journeys , to hospital treatment, etc etc etc.)

[PuttingDownRoots]

He sounds like he has some serious growing up to do (the forces can make them quite immature in a way... cheap food and accommodation with no utilities, leading to loads of money in the bank and just fun to spend it on).

Whats his plan for if he gets posted abroad? Or camp rules change and he can't keep the dog there anymore?

[Domestic1980]

@Schooldil3ma my other children weren’t keen on dog either so no help there.
i was only joking about the paying when he came home. But unless I feed him for free and put up with a dog I’m allergic to I guess i know my place is how it’s feeling.

[Schooldil3ma]

He's a young man entering the world. He'll be headstrong and probably not come home if he can't being the dog, only you can decide which is more important to you. Could you rope the other dc in to helping with the dog if you wanted him to come?
He'll be getting all his meals provided on camp so there's not really much incentive to come home if no dog and being asked to pay for food.

[RampantIvy]

@Bananaman123

I live alone and would be the same, if dog can’t go I wouldn’t visit. She is my shadow and wouldn’t cope well away from me for a long time and I don’t have money to get someone to look after her

There's nothing wrong with that as long as you accept that it will impact some of your socialising/visiting/holidays.

[stuntbubbles]

YANBU at all! Even more so with the updates. Essentially he’s got you a dog that he sometimes takes away; not he’s got a dog that he sometimes brings.

Having a plan for your dog – kennels, dog sitting – so you can leave it behind should be on the test for dog ownership. The idea that you just bring the dog with you everywhere you go is as bizarre as it is selfish.

He sounds typically 18, though, and like this might be a good life lesson. When he can no longer come home to eat your cupboards bare/get his laundry done/have his dog taken care of, he might take more responsibility for himself.

[Bananaman123]

I live alone and would be the same, if dog can’t go I wouldn’t visit. She is my shadow and wouldn’t cope well away from me for a long time and I don’t have money to get someone to look after her

[Domestic1980]

@SpacePotato thats pretty much what I said, I wasn’t going to get into a row about it I just said your an adult now and you do what you feel is right, but you are always welcome here and I’m sorry it didn’t work out as you’d hoped.

[SpacePotato]

He doesn't like it no you won't behave as expected and pander to him.

If it was me, I'd simply say oh what a shame you won't be able to visit then.

Why won't he put it in kennels anyway? It's not like he wants to take care of it when he's on leave. He just assumed you will, because he thinks that's your job as mum.

[Motnight]

I don't think that you are being unreasonable, Op.

[Domestic1980]

@WhereYouLeftIt thank you for your comments, they are much appreciated.
it’s a really tough situation.
I’ve always been a “mummsy mum” and usually do pretty much anything to avoid conflict….although I am the boss in the house 😉( I live with hubby and 3 sons)
he joined the army at 16 and up until now he’s been treated like visiting royalty when he comes home.
but this time something changed in me I suppose. I’d been left with this dog for three weeks, I was allergic which I told him about and when he came to get the dog, he brought his girlfriend with him and they literally lay in bed all weekend.
i told him I’d trained the dog not to jump up as I didn’t like it but he came in and was encouraging her to jump up.
my logic at the minute is he got a dog with out asking me and as an adult he has to live with the consequences as maybe it’s time to grow up a bit.
i suppose I’ve seen him in a different light.
I jokingly said I’m going so start charging you when you come home, you eat so much. His reply again was I won’t bother coming home then.
we actually get on very well, but I’m beginning to wonder if that’s because it always Been on his terms.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

@Domestic1980

@Fraaahnces that would cause more arguments than saying a straight out no.
he’s a good lad but he’d kick up a stink if I said he had to do all that.

Cross posted, I wandered away and didn't refresh the page while writing my reply so didn't see this post, OP.

In that case, no compromise. If he's not going to care for HIS dog, the dog doesn't get to come. If that means he doesn't come, so be it. If he doesn't want to do the care for his dog, he shouldn't have a dog. Digging up your garden, chewing the kitchen - the dog needs to be trained and THAT - that's his responsibility.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Compromise is possible.

"When he is here with the dog he stays in his room and leaves me to sort the dog out, if I call him him to sort the dog he does but it would be left to me if he didn't."
So when he's home, he slips back into "son mode" where mummy does everything? Not criticising, I've slipped back into daughter mode myself once or twice, but I do think it should be recognised that this is a thing. He's 18, so he's only got two modes so far - son mode and military mode.

It's time for him to gain a new mode of being - independent adult mode. This means he does not retire to his room (games console?) and leave everything to you. He actively cares for his dog, because that is the adult thing to do. He walks it, he feeds it, he grooms it to reduce moulting, he trains it to stay off the furniture, he takes it into his room with him. He does not leave anything to anyone else, he does it all himself. That is his part of the compromise.

Your part of the compromise is dealing with being "slightly allergic I had sore throat and had runny nose". I'm probably more tolerant of this than most people as I spend much of the year like this. I would try other allergy tablets, for example I find loratadine more effective than citirizene, DH is the other way around.

"He told me that it was fine but he wouldn't be able to come and see me anymore if he couldn't bring the dog."
And what else is he going to do? Where else has he to go? Live on the base 365/year? As per @PuttingDownRoots's explanation, when he is on leave the dog cannot stay on the base it has to go with him. Where else will have him and his dog? It's a clumsy attempt at emotional blackmail befitting an 18 year old. Again, he has to learn independent adult mode. He has to provide accommodation for his dog. For leave of 2 weeks plus, the compromise I've outlined might suit. For a weeken/week, he needs to scope out the kennels local toyour home and his base, and find one he likes. As you said, "for a couple of weekends a year I think he could put her in kennels. He earns a good wage so money isn't the issue."

You bringing your allergy under control is the only accommodation you need to make to him. For everything else, he needs to step up and be an adult. He took on the dog, not you, so the dog is 100% his responsibility.