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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Arguments about house bills for university student on break. uk

83 replies

Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 11:43

Please help us resolve this.
I live at home with my 22 year old son and his partner whilst my 19 year old daughter is away at university.
she has come back for the summer holidays and is in limbo as to whether she wants to go back in September.
At home my son his gf and myself share in all the bills. Ie gas, electric, wifi, food shopping etc.
my son feels my daughter needs to pay her way whilst she is here as she’s not his responsibility and she does have. Pet time job in the holidays when she’s back.

The problem I’m having is my daughter is saying she’s probably going back in sept so is still a student and has no money to give me.
she works a few shifts at Tesco 4 days a week.
she’s fussy with food so we have to buy what she likes and she spends all day in her room when not at work.
she believes she shouldn’t have to pay as she’s a student home on her holidays, my son says she has to pay because she’s living here in the holidays and I’m in the middle as a single mum not knowing what to do to bring peace to my home again 😓

any advice would be really appreciated 💜

OP posts:
percypig · 26/07/2022 11:44

Did your son pay when he was her age?

catfunk · 26/07/2022 11:46

It's simple - Did he pay when he was back for holidays ?

greensnail · 26/07/2022 11:50

If you don't want your student daughter to have to pay then you need to cover her part - it's not her brother's responsibility to do this. So if him and his girlfriend usually pay 1/3 each and you pay the other 1/3, when daughter is at home you should be paying half and they pay 1/4 each.

Quitelikeit · 26/07/2022 11:50

Is it costing him more by her being there? Seems strange how he is insisting she pays - some sibling resentment going on? Is there a history?

but I wonder if he thinks if she pays their monthly contribution will reduce?

my child still keeps their accommodation going during summer months so I wouldn’t dream of charging her when she comes back.

however it’s a very grey area when they are at uni if you are still responsible for them financially but I think ultimately we are until they have at least completed their degree and found a job

if she was saving this money from her job for when she was studying then I wouldn’t make her pay but if she is spending it as she likes then I’d maybe ask for some contribution so that your son was not disadvantaged by her being there!

no easy answer

Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 11:51

He didn’t go to university.
he worked and paid the bills yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 11:52

That’s the thing. I will pay her part but I’m asking if she should be paying if she’s on holiday from uni

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 11:55

Quitelikeit · 26/07/2022 11:50

Is it costing him more by her being there? Seems strange how he is insisting she pays - some sibling resentment going on? Is there a history?

but I wonder if he thinks if she pays their monthly contribution will reduce?

my child still keeps their accommodation going during summer months so I wouldn’t dream of charging her when she comes back.

however it’s a very grey area when they are at uni if you are still responsible for them financially but I think ultimately we are until they have at least completed their degree and found a job

if she was saving this money from her job for when she was studying then I wouldn’t make her pay but if she is spending it as she likes then I’d maybe ask for some contribution so that your son was not disadvantaged by her being there!

no easy answer

Love this last paragraph.
that’s the thing. She’s just paid for a holiday with her friends and eats take away food.
I won’t make my son pay her way but should I if she’s a uni student? The great area like you said is so frustrating. I want to do the right thing but what is that?

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 26/07/2022 11:55

How much are you asking her to pay?

how much does he pay?

ArcticSkewer · 26/07/2022 11:56

does she get the full student loan of £9k+ or does she get less? If she gets less, are you topping that up?

Quitelikeit · 26/07/2022 11:56

Kids can be very sensitive when it comes to thinking their siblings are getting preferential treatment it can lead to long lasting resentment towards you and them

Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 11:57

Can I just make it clear that I’m not asking my son to pay her part.
im asking if she should be paying her way or be let to enjoy living here free as it’s her holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 11:59

Quitelikeit · 26/07/2022 11:55

How much are you asking her to pay?

how much does he pay?

I have asked her to pay £50 for shopping, £20 for gas and the electricity and £15 for wifi for month.
my son pays £100 shopping, £40 gas and electric and £20 wifi

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 26/07/2022 11:59

Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 11:52

That’s the thing. I will pay her part but I’m asking if she should be paying if she’s on holiday from uni

I have never charged mine when home on holiday from uni. My rule was that they would be charged once out of full time education and when they were working permanently.

IMHO your DD needs to save as much money as she can from her part time job to help finance herself at uni. Obviously that changes if she does leave uni and increases her working hours.

This is your decision, not your son's.

Polimolly · 26/07/2022 12:00

Can you afford to just pay for her? If you are paying, that's none of your son's business.

I'm single and my son lives with me during uni holidays. He has a job but saves all his money. In fact he has more savings than me, but I still don't charge him. I have more than enough to cover his bills so I'm happy for him to keep on saving

Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 12:00

Full Loan but it hasn’t come yet until she goes back September

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 12:01

I don’t have a lot of money and she doesn’t save. She buys take outs and just came back from a holiday with her friends.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 26/07/2022 12:01

Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 12:00

Full Loan but it hasn’t come yet until she goes back September

if full loan that's supposed to last til September

TooHot2022 · 26/07/2022 12:02

DC 22 and 19 here. We have always taken the view that we'd support them while they were still students - that means covering home costs/ energy bills/ household grocery food etc.
Any money they earned from part-time jobs was for personal spending - socialising, drinks/food out/ takeaways etc.

DS (22) is about to start work in Sept and we have told him he is 'off our books' then, and if he wants to live at home for a short time then we'll agree a contribution for food/bills.

Your son & GF's contribution shouldn't cover your DD's share of bills though.

SolasAnla · 26/07/2022 12:02

Your son is paying for his bills he should not be out of pocket due to his sister using extra over and above normal costs
Extra food / special food extra lights / washing will put the utilities up etc so you need to cover these extras. It is not his responsibility at all.

Then the discussion is around if you fund your daughters holiday costs as she had a home she could occupy back at Uni.

Thats down to what you can afford.

GiltEdges · 26/07/2022 12:03

Well it’s completely upto you. If you’re happy covering her share and can afford it then fine. If it’s a struggle for you and/or you think it’s fairer if she contributes something then that’s also fine. It’s really nothing to do with her brother.

Sirzy · 26/07/2022 12:03

Can you not work out how much extra her being home is costing and then either charge her that or you cover it so he isn’t out of pocket.

then if she stays long term make it clear that you will be splitting things between the 4 of you and she will be expected to pay.

Quitelikeit · 26/07/2022 12:04

I think I would maybe ask for something. In a way being a student is supposed to be a time where you can be footloose with money iyswim. So you do want to give them that luxury (I sort of do as I know the shock coming once they enter the real world!!)

im guessing it was you who insisted your son pays you? Is it quite a lot? Does he resent it do you think?

Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 12:04

That’s why I feel in the middle. But he doesn’t have to pay for her, I will but it’s whether I should charge her for some bills or not

OP posts:
Thehawki · 26/07/2022 12:05

How much is your wifi a month OP? Ours is £20 for the month from Vodafone. I get your predicament though, he was paying at her age so he’s looking at it as preferential treatment. I would say she doesn’t need to pay, but perhaps needs to buy her own food, seeing as she’ll be working in a shop that should be too hard for her anyway, does she get a discount as well?

Quitelikeit · 26/07/2022 12:05

Please tell her not to quit uni!!!