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Original poster

Arguments about house bills for university student on break. uk

83 replies

Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 11:43

Please help us resolve this.
I live at home with my 22 year old son and his partner whilst my 19 year old daughter is away at university.
she has come back for the summer holidays and is in limbo as to whether she wants to go back in September.
At home my son his gf and myself share in all the bills. Ie gas, electric, wifi, food shopping etc.
my son feels my daughter needs to pay her way whilst she is here as she’s not his responsibility and she does have. Pet time job in the holidays when she’s back.

The problem I’m having is my daughter is saying she’s probably going back in sept so is still a student and has no money to give me.
she works a few shifts at Tesco 4 days a week.
she’s fussy with food so we have to buy what she likes and she spends all day in her room when not at work.
she believes she shouldn’t have to pay as she’s a student home on her holidays, my son says she has to pay because she’s living here in the holidays and I’m in the middle as a single mum not knowing what to do to bring peace to my home again 😓

any advice would be really appreciated 💜

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 12:08

That’s why it’s hard. I feel she shouldn’t need to pay but I want to do what’s right as I have no idea how this all works. I feel she is taking liberties as she buys take outs and goes out for drinks with friends. I’m not made of money either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 12:09

Thank you for this x

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 12:11

I agree. I just don’t know if I should be paying for her or ask her to chip in.
he works hard and sees her doing nothing.

OP posts:
Dinogirl50 · 26/07/2022 12:11

In your situation,yes she should pay her share ,that should come before a holiday and a takeaway .your son is right

Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 12:13

The other problem here is that she said she’s quit uni.
she has asked to go back and start her first year again and has been accepted but she doesn’t know if she even wants to go back.

So by September she may said she’s not going and she paid nothing over the holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 12:13

Thank You x

OP posts:
katieg03 · 26/07/2022 12:14

Your WiFi is expensive! She's working 4 days she should absolutely be contributing, imo your son is right.

Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 12:15

This is a good idea Thank You x

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 26/07/2022 12:17

Oh in that case, if she has said she is quitting tell her you will treat her exactly the same as her brother. Time for her to grow up and experience the real world

Goldpaw · 26/07/2022 12:18

It's one thing being on hols from uni, having a part time job and not contributing because she may not have much money. It's another if she has enough money to have regular takeaways and go on holiday with her mates. That's taking the piss.

At the very least she needs to contribute to food bills.

adorablecat · 26/07/2022 12:19

Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 12:13

The other problem here is that she said she’s quit uni.
she has asked to go back and start her first year again and has been accepted but she doesn’t know if she even wants to go back.

So by September she may said she’s not going and she paid nothing over the holidays.

She sounds a bit immature. Charging her a reasonable contribution to the household expenses might help her to focus. You could always give her the money back if she needs it for university and you can spare it. But she really needs to make a decision about her next step. If she isn't going back to university, presumably she will start looking for a job?

Whichjobnow · 26/07/2022 12:32

I don't think I'd charge her for bills as they would presumably not change that much due to an extra person being at home, but would definitely want a contribution for food. I would want that regardless of whether she's going back in September or not. The loan is meant to last the full year (supplemented by PT work) and while it's great that she can stay with you rent-free over the summer I don't see any reason at all for her to have all costs covered. Of the students I know, the vast majority made some kind of contribution over the summer to cover the additional cost of an extra mouth to feed etc.

If she doesn't go back in Sept then she should 100% be paying the same as your son.

chesirecat99 · 26/07/2022 12:36

Is your DS's paying £100 a month for shopping for him and his partner or just for him?!! Or do you meant £100 a week? How much is his partner paying towards food? If it's £100 a month for both of them, that's £1.64 per person a day!

He is paying a fixed amount per month, your DS can't say "she isn't his responsilbility" so she should pay. He isn't susbsidising her, you are. You are also subisidising him and his partner if they aren't paying 2/3 of the utilities, wifi and food bill. You are also subsidising them if they aren't paying you rent for the room. He needs to take a look in the mirror before he starts criticising his sister. I hope the comment about her not being his responsibility doesn't mean he is expecting his contribution for wifi and utilities to go down if you ask her to pay...

Your DS doesn't get a say because it isn't costing him anything to have his sister say and he and his partner are both being subsidised by you too.

If you need the money, it is fair to ask her to contribute towards food and a tiny amount towards the extra electricity and gas (how much does 1 extra person really cost though...), what it actually costs you. I can't understand why you would expect her to pay £15 towards the wifi if her brother is only paying £20 for 2 people?!! Besides which, it's a fixed cost, it doesn't cost you anything extra when she uses it. Unless you charge guests to use your wifi, it seems pretty unfair to ask her to pay.

But, if you need the money and her going to ask her to pay for her food/utility usage, you should also be asking yourself whether it is fair to expect her to pay her way when you are subsidising her brother and a person who isn't even related to you. If you can't afford to support your DD during the university holidays, why are you letting his DP live there rent free? Maybe ask your DS why his DSis should subsidise his girlfriend when she isn't your DD's responsibility?

Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 13:48

This is how we feel. But she makes me feel bad and says she should be enjoying being on a break from uni not paying to live here when she’s only here on a holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 13:51

Yes she will have to be in full time work. I agree. She’s just expecting everything to be given to her but she honestly is making me feel bad for asking

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Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 13:52

Thank You I agree with this x

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Discovereads · 26/07/2022 13:58

ArcticSkewer · 26/07/2022 12:01

if full loan that's supposed to last til September

Show quote history

Full maintenance loan is only meant to last during term dates Sept-May. Not June/July/August. That’s why it’s so low it doesn’t even cover the cost of student accommodation during term dates at many unis.

Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 14:00

Ok so your comment was a bit judgemental.
my son and his gf pay everything 3 ways!
they pay the rent for their room. Plus £100 each a month for shopping and I pay £100 which is about £300 for 4 weeks as we get take aways inbetween and they eat out.
we may £20 each a month for gas and electricity which is £60 on each a month.
the wifi is £60 and we pay £20 each.
his gf is 100% part of our family and probably does more house work than both my son and daughter have done in a year.

my daughter sits in her room all day, eats and sleeps and works 3 nights a week.
I love having her here but I don’t want to fall out with my son because she is getting special treatment when she doesn’t even know if she’s going back to uni yet and he watches her wat take aways in her room most days.

my question is to ask morally what is the right thing to do as a single parent who doesn’t know whether to make her contribute or let her be free of any bills whilst she’s here

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 26/07/2022 14:01

If she can afford take away and holidays, she can afford to contribute. There are job vacancies everywhere. Tell her to get more hours.
If the payment is between you and her, you can lower how much she pays and cover the difference. But it would be galling for on sibling to have worked through their teens to see another partying and contributing nothing. If I were him, I'd too feel resentment that she was being treated better than him. (Whether that was reasonable of me or not.)

Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 14:03

Oh wait I’m so sorry, I was meant to write “it doesn’t start” until sept. Which is why she’s living off her part time wages until then.
no idea why I wrote that sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 14:06

I do feel bad. Because I just want my kids to be happy and there is no book on how to have house payments made in certain circumstances. this is why I came here. She makes me feel like I’m a greedy bad mum and he makes me feel like I’m letting her off everything. It’s just me and them and no family so I’m just trying to find out what other parents do so I can sit her down and not feel bad for asking her.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/07/2022 14:13

I'd just ask her to pay for any extra costs you're incurring - so she can pay for her own food and any uplift in energy use.

I would also ask her to help cleaning and tidying.

easyday · 26/07/2022 14:15

I agree your son and gf shouldn't cover her costs. But I don't think she should either if just in a casual summer job. You cover her share and have her save her money for expenses while at uni.

MarshaMelrose · 26/07/2022 14:17

I think what you're feeling Is natural because you want to keep both happy. But don't allow your daughter to manipulate you. Because she doesn't feel bad eating her takeaways and planning her holiday! I wasn't brought up in a financially strapped home but my mum's attitude was if you weren't attending classes, you got a job and paid your way. Everyone was like that. So everyone worked during the holidays to earn money. I had to give some to my mum and the rest was mine. I didn't pay a third of the upkeep, though. Dad covered the majority, but I paid for food and I guess a contribution to energy bills. Maybe your daughter working full time and paying her share of upkeep will open her eyes to the wisdom of going back to uni and improving her earning prospects!

upthem5 · 26/07/2022 14:20

You pay a lot for Wi-Fi! And I don’t see how the Wi-Fi usage increases just because your daughter is home from uni. It should remain the same.

I agree she should pay for food and gas/electric though as they’ll all increase while she’s staying with you…

Please don’t let her quit Uni!!

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