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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Arguments about house bills for university student on break. uk

83 replies

Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 11:43

Please help us resolve this.
I live at home with my 22 year old son and his partner whilst my 19 year old daughter is away at university.
she has come back for the summer holidays and is in limbo as to whether she wants to go back in September.
At home my son his gf and myself share in all the bills. Ie gas, electric, wifi, food shopping etc.
my son feels my daughter needs to pay her way whilst she is here as she’s not his responsibility and she does have. Pet time job in the holidays when she’s back.

The problem I’m having is my daughter is saying she’s probably going back in sept so is still a student and has no money to give me.
she works a few shifts at Tesco 4 days a week.
she’s fussy with food so we have to buy what she likes and she spends all day in her room when not at work.
she believes she shouldn’t have to pay as she’s a student home on her holidays, my son says she has to pay because she’s living here in the holidays and I’m in the middle as a single mum not knowing what to do to bring peace to my home again 😓

any advice would be really appreciated 💜

OP posts:

Bollindger · 26/07/2022 14:37

It depends, is the split 50/50 between you and them, or they pay 66% as there are two of them.
If they pay more as a couple to live there than you do then, yes you maybe should equal it out, by asking DD to help cover costs.
However if you pay more rent and half the bills, tell him NO, he already benefits.

chesirecat99 · 26/07/2022 14:51

You said your DS pays "my son pays £100 shopping, £40 gas and electric and £20 wifi", not that he and his DP pay you rent and you split the bills 3 ways, @Purplesammyx, which made him sound like a hypocritical CF.

If he and his GF are paying rent and 2/3 of the bills, that is a different situation.

If your DD can afford luxuries like a holiday, she should certainly be paying for her food. She is being spolit not wanting to contribute (although keep in mind that most of her friends probably aren't giving their parents anything) but equally it is a bit mean of your DS to want her to pay a 1/4 of the bills for the tiny amount of utilities she is using (especially when the wifi costs no extra for her to use it) and she has a much lower income than him. Don't forget that the loan is not "income", she will have to pay it back.

Next year, if she goes back to university, presumably she will be living in a shared house rather than halls. She will have to pay rent, wifi, utility standing charges for 12 months. You can't ask her to pay twice for wifi and standing charges if she wants to come home to see her family. She may well decide not to come home if you do.

If she doesn't go back to university, utilities are charged retrospectively. She can start paying her share of the bill in September. Take a meter reading so you know how much her share is.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 26/07/2022 15:05

I think £85 a month is fine? She works three days a week, so that's about one day's salary? It does seem a lot though if the two others that live with you jointly contribute £125 (or is that £125 each?)

I agree I don't think that being back from uni means she needs all the money and downtime that brings. If she's doing a BA then she might have less than 10 hours of lectures a week, and this was only her first year. Unlikely she's been absolutely flat out (esp as she's not even sure she wants to go back).

Original poster

Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 15:15

Haha yeah there’s no chance. 🙄

OP posts:

Original poster

Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 15:18

Yes I have now realised I’m being manipulated. I’m a single mum and my son helps with everything and she won’t even go to the shop for me when I had covid.
I just feel like I’m a bad mum if I ask money off her and she plays the uni card and I feel crap and greedy.
im going to have a long chat tomorrow with her. When she gets back from her break away at her boyfriends that she probably spent all her money on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 15:20

Yes I agree we pay too much for wifi.
I tried to stop her quitting but she says “so you would rather me be unhappy and depressed doing something I don’t want to do” oh and the favourite “you didn’t even finish school so I still did better than you”

OP posts:

Original poster

Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 15:27

So she is redoing year 1 again and she applied for the flats which cost more then the rooms at uni.
she lived on toast and pasta at uni. Also her dad gave her £30 a week which stopped when she left.

id hate to agree that she’s spoiled but reading these replies I’m realising I’ve allowed her to be this way.
im a single mum and has a hard childhood so just wanted to ease up on my kids. I feel she’s taking the piss now.

I don’t know if she’s going back to uni in sept and that’s where I’m stuck. Do I allow her to pay nothing until she goes back? What if September comes and she decided she’s not going back and she paid nothing over the last few months?

OP posts:

POTC · 26/07/2022 15:28

My son doesn't start uni until September but is already aware that when he comes home in holidays he will have to contribute to the household. I can't afford to cover the cost of him being home for the holidays when (according to the government) he's no longer a dependent and I'm not receiving anything towards him. If I were able to work full time and had a good income it would be different but I'm not.

Original poster

Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 15:30

She failed it and re applied to repeat year 1 again. She loved the student life more than the work.

OP posts:

Original poster

Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 15:32

This is exactly my point.
im a single mum. With a small income.
shes 19 so no money from government.
she eats her and sleeps here and her bf stays weekends. But she still says I’m not being fair

OP posts:

Discovereads · 26/07/2022 15:35

She sounds very lost. I don’t know why you are encouraging her to rack up more student debt when she’s obviously not succeeding at university and it has made her ‘depressed and miserable’. Also, she doesn’t sound spoiled if she survived on toast and pasta- that reeks of going hungry and desperation. No wonder she is gorging herself on take-always now she has a bit of money.

Id be sitting with her and trying to re plan a future for her. Perhaps she needs to work FT, contribute to your joint home and look for alternate qualifications that are not a degree?

2bazookas · 26/07/2022 15:37

She's fussy with food, earning a wage and working in a supermarket. So SHE has to buy (and cook) the food she likes.

Not you, DS or his GF.

Ponderingwindow · 26/07/2022 15:38

if she is a young university student in good standing, I think you have a parental obligation to support her financially. At minimum, that should be a free place to stay during school breaks.

upthem5 · 26/07/2022 15:43

wonder if she’d be better off doing a degree apprenticeship at home! And paying a proportion of that for “keep”

Some people don’t “take” to university until later in life. Don’t be angry that she struggled with student life. I know plenty who flunked it, worked during their 20s, and went to uni in their 30s.

When I was at uni - nobody worked 4 days a week in the holidays! Some weekend work yes but not 4 days.

What I’m trying to say is - she already has a great work ethic and is already ready for FT work if she wants to.

But make sure you reassure her that she can go back to Higher Education later in life or do a University level apprenticeship.

:) good luck OP!

MzHz · 26/07/2022 15:45

Ok, so change your Wi-Fi. That’s number 1

your son IS right to be aghast at the amount of piss his sister is taking

she needs to pay a contribution to the household if she’s staying there. If she can afford to go away on holiday, have takeaways etc, she can afford to chip in

GlitteryGreen · 26/07/2022 15:46

I would usually say that I wouldn't expect a contribution from children until they are working full-time, however your daughter does sound like she had a bad attitude about the whole topic and is being pretty rude to everyone about daring to ask her to pay.

Also it very much depends on your finances and ability to cover the extra expense of her food etc. If it's a case of you paying but struggling to do so then she definitely needs to contribute.

GlitteryGreen · 26/07/2022 15:48

If September comes and she doesn't go back, I wouldn't worry about what she hasn't paid over these couple of months, but I'd focus on pushing her to get a FT job at that point.

Also I'd be encouraging her to make a decision sooner rather than later otherwise she'll be left with no loan and no job.

Debbiedoodah · 26/07/2022 15:49

Everyone is (rightly) concerned about the WiFi but I'm more concerned that they've underestimated your gas and electric and you're going to be hit with a heavy bill. Do you give regular meter readings?

Good luck with your daughter.

ihavenocats · 26/07/2022 15:55

I think she's a guest, she doesn't live there, and presumably has rent to pay where she is living permanently?

The son is paying rent where he lives, at yours.

whowhatwerewhy · 26/07/2022 16:06

I think she needs to contribute towards her food , gas and electric even if it's a token amount.
Your Wi-Fi won't cost any more but your gas and electric seems very cheap . You also don't mention water and council tax .

If she doesn't go back to uni you need to tell her how much she will need to pay from September. As it seems you have a 3 way split now it will become a 4 way split. I would also expect her to buy her " fussy food "

Original poster

Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 17:18

Discovereads · 26/07/2022 15:35

Id be sitting with her and trying to re plan a future for her. Perhaps she needs to work FT, contribute to your joint home and look for alternate qualifications that are not a degree?

Ok 1 I’m not encouraging her to do anything

she definitely isn’t sad and miserable and 3 she lived off toast and pasta because she spent her money on clothes and partying.

i really don’t know where you got that assumption from what I wrote.

I only wanted to know If I should have her take part in the house keeping whilst she’s at home. 🙄

OP posts:

Original poster

Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 17:19

See this is my argument.

OP posts:

HelenHywater · 26/07/2022 17:25

I don't ask my student children to contribute anything while they are home. They are all working hard to fund their next year. And they are also having takeaways, going out a fair bit and have all had a holiday with their friends. My grocery bills have increased while they're back. I don't feel they are spoiled, or taking advantage. (they are all helping out around the house though);

They know that when they're working, if they live at home, I will expect them to pay board and bills.

It's actually none of your son's business what she pays - you're not expecting him to fund her, and it's your decision.

As far as failing her first year goes - this is really common. She's been lucky enough to have been given a second chance, maybe you should support her in this - she must know that she won't get another one.

Original poster

Purplesammyx · 26/07/2022 17:25

Thanks for the reply.
im not angry that she doesn’t want to do it anymore. I’m more annoyed that she didn’t even try and just had a year of uni fun. Failed, then is thinking about repeating year 1 again when I’m not sure if this is for her friends she made or for the work.
we have talked about apprenticeships here. I can’t make the decision for her so I’m in limbo waiting for her to make up her mind if she will go back again now or not.
that's why it’s hard. Is she going back to uni so this is a holiday or is she quitting uni so this is her living back with us and contributing nothing at all,
she even charges me for the payment if I ask her to grab me something for a few quid from the shops.
its so frustrating as some of these replies suggest I’m trying to drain money from my poor student daughter and then others are saying I’m allowing her to take the piss.

I honestly don’t know what I’m to do

OP posts:

HelenHywater · 26/07/2022 17:26

(and my girls' are very similar - they live on toast and super noodles and have a great social life - I think it's great! Lucky them. They won't be able to do that for long).

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