Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Adult kids asking for money

83 replies

Ritascornershop · 18/07/2022 18:40

Anyone else? I have two adult children, mid 20’s.
One would never dream of asking for money, the other does it constantly. Sometimes £20, sometimes £200, etc.

Shes a sahm, husband works full time (he doesn’t make much). They own their own home outright due to an inheritance.

I’ve explained repeatedly that as I’ve been low income too I won’t get a pension I can live off so the money from having to sell my house has to be eked out over however long from now till I expire (I bought a flat and had some left over).

Sometimes they’re not asking for much (her husband hints around about me lending them money for all his business ideas). I find it really stressful, as I find any money thing stressful. I don’t mind at all spending a bit on my 2 grandkids for presents outside of birthdays and Christmas, but don’t feel it’s right to ask me for money for petrol for their 2 cars, for bills, etc.

How to tactfully say no? Explaining that I’m not flush doesn’t get me anywhere.

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 18/07/2022 18:43

If you can't afford it or don't want to you don't have to . It's your money and just say 'No' or 'No Sorry' or 'I cant afford to give you any money' or you could suggest a payment plan that's if you believe you would be paid back.

quietnightmare · 18/07/2022 18:43

What about his parents /family do they contribute money

Chewbecca · 18/07/2022 18:45

You haven’t really explained why you can’t just say No - that’s what needs tackling here. Why is it?

MadMadMadamMim · 18/07/2022 18:47

Say 'No. I don't have any to spare. Why not take out a 0% credit card if you need some instant cash?

Pretty sure they don't want to do that. They just want a handout. A mortgage free house is a dream for most of us. Or she could get a part time job, perhaps.

Kangaruby · 18/07/2022 18:47

Just say no, they are adults if they need money they can earn it. Don't over worry about saying it nicely, they obviously don't when they repeatedly ask

DSGR · 18/07/2022 18:48

She could get a job. Just say no sorry I’m not in a position to and stick to it. Definitely don’t lend them any

GOODCAT · 18/07/2022 18:49

I would be clear once and for all that you can't lend them money and they are not to ask again. If they then ask again, I would make it clear that you are really offended and upset and show it!

It will continue for the rest of your life if you don't say no and that isn't OK when you actually get elderly and infirm to have to put up with that.

nutbrownhare15 · 18/07/2022 18:50

'darling, I've tried to explain before that I just can't afford to spend money beyond what I've already budgeted for. So I'm going to have to say no to any further requests for money. I hope you understand.' And then to be honest I would just resend the same message if she asks again.

Misstes · 18/07/2022 18:50

You say no you can’t afford it. If they are struggling your daughter really needs to start looking for work.

MeridianGrey · 18/07/2022 18:55

No is complete sentence.
I think once she knows you won’t she will stop asking.

Yodaisawally · 18/07/2022 18:58

I'd stop thinking you need to be tactful. Just say no!

SparklingLime · 18/07/2022 19:00

Are you worried that she won’t bother with you if you are no longer a source of money? My mum constantly gives money to my sister as a way of keeping her close, and having some contact with her. It’s really sad to watch.

Think you need to look at why it’s so hard for you to just say ‘no’ and make it clear that won’t be changing.

Original poster
Ritascornershop · 18/07/2022 19:04

Thanks all. You’re right, I just am so bad at conflict.

They don’t ask his mum (apparently she’s a nightmare, I haven’t met her as she lives a long way away & wasn’t well enough to attend their wedding).

I get the vibe they think it’s a bit cheeky of me to spend money on myself, but I could be wrong there.

I’m thinking of re-writing the will to make her sibling the sole executor as I worry she’ll not do everything by the book.

OP posts:
SuperCamp · 18/07/2022 19:07

She knows you have savings and they are the type who can’t see money and not think it is for spending. Now.

Just say “no, it isn’t possible. My money is strictly budgeted for my pension. I am not able to support your family”.

If they have no rent or mortgage costs they are just careless and incompetent.

Bloody hell, never in a million years would I have asked my Mum for money. And no way allowed my DH to hint at getting his hands in it for ‘business ideas’. No way! He is obvious bad bet anyway.

Original poster
Ritascornershop · 18/07/2022 19:38

Her dad (my exh) was the same and it was a constant source of stress for her grandparents (which she’s aware of).

I feel a bit mean, but I essentially raised them along and now it’s my me-time and I’d like to feel my kids can take care of themselves and also have some empathy for me.

Her sibling is not like this at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ritascornershop · 18/07/2022 19:39

Raised them alone, not along.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 18/07/2022 19:40

It's ok to say no.

Just no.

No, I am not lending you any more money.

Do they even pay you back?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 18/07/2022 19:41

It isnt mean to say no.
You can't afford it.
It's fine to say no anyway though, even if you can afford it.

MammaWeasel · 18/07/2022 19:42

Tell them that the money is "all tied up" and that you can't touch it.

Motnight · 18/07/2022 19:44

She has chosen to be SAHM with the expectation that you will finance her lifestyle.

Unbelievably grabby.

Limecoconutice · 18/07/2022 19:57

I get the vibe they think it’s a bit cheeky of me to spend money on myself, but I could be wrong there.

Time to get assertive op. This is very cheeky and entitled behaviour! I don't like the sound of your sil tbh! How bloody dare they both assume that your hard earned money should be theirs? Time to find some anger! I feel angry on your behalf op! They have a mortgage free existence fhs! Why is your daughter not working? And why does your sil not change jobs if he doesn't earn much? Sounds like they expect everyone to bail them out and the inheritance has not done them any favours character wise.

I would take them out to dinner in a public place and tell them seriously and in no uncertain terms that you will not be giving them any more handouts as you need your savings to feel secure BC you don't have a pension. Tell them you want to spell it out as you fear you have not been clear enough previously and they have not got the message. Tell them that you are concerned that they have unrealistic expectations and are frankly worried for them and their future if they need handouts when living mortgage free. If they protest, turn it around on them and ask them why they aren't earning more between them? Tell them you are disappointed that they are still reliant on others. And tell them not to ask for money again and that you don't appreciate being made to feel as though you don't deserve your own income!

And depending on their reaction, you could drop in a hint about "considering changing your will" (they don't need to know the details).

And I would distance myself a bit op and not allow them any info at all about your spending or financial situation. They do not sound trustworthy to me.

newbiename · 18/07/2022 19:59

Can she get a job ?

LizzieSiddal · 18/07/2022 20:08

You’ve got to put your big girl pants in and just say “No, I can’t do it”.
If you don’t put an end to it she will keep doing it!
Also they are in a very privileged position as they have lots of options instead of asking you.

They have a home which is fully paid for so they could get a small mortgage on it if they’re desperate.
Your DD could get a job.
Your Son in law could change jobs so that he earns more.

They really are taking advantage of you and they need to stop it.

LizzieSiddal · 18/07/2022 20:08

*on

Winter2020 · 18/07/2022 20:08

I agree that knowing you have savings is burning a hole in their pocket. Awkward but I agree keep telling them no - when you retire not much is coming in so it won't be replaced.

You are also under no obligation to help with childcare but if you were happy to help (to a defined extent) you could say "I'm not able to give you money but I can help you watch the children until x gets home a couple of days a week - so you can get a job".

Just for example if her partner gets in at 6 and you could take the kids from school to theirs until their dad got home then your daughter could do a 2-10 shift in a factory for example 2 or 3 times a week and boost their household income considerably.

If your daughter is not interested in working and just wants easy money then feel no guilt!