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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Adult kids asking for money

83 replies

Ritascornershop · 18/07/2022 18:40

Anyone else? I have two adult children, mid 20’s.
One would never dream of asking for money, the other does it constantly. Sometimes £20, sometimes £200, etc.

Shes a sahm, husband works full time (he doesn’t make much). They own their own home outright due to an inheritance.

I’ve explained repeatedly that as I’ve been low income too I won’t get a pension I can live off so the money from having to sell my house has to be eked out over however long from now till I expire (I bought a flat and had some left over).

Sometimes they’re not asking for much (her husband hints around about me lending them money for all his business ideas). I find it really stressful, as I find any money thing stressful. I don’t mind at all spending a bit on my 2 grandkids for presents outside of birthdays and Christmas, but don’t feel it’s right to ask me for money for petrol for their 2 cars, for bills, etc.

How to tactfully say no? Explaining that I’m not flush doesn’t get me anywhere.

OP posts:
BuddhaAtSea · 19/07/2022 12:17

I’m buying things for my DD, but I don’t give her money. We’ve booked a holiday together, I’m paying for it, she offered to pay for our meals. She would never ask me for cash. I bought her a car and helped towards driving lessons, but for day to day stuff, she’s got to work. If she had children I would buy for the kids, naturally, but not cash. So from my household’s set up point of view, your set up is strange, I wouldn’t agree to it.
yes, I don’t like to see my child go without, equally, she’s not 8.

Bunty55 · 19/07/2022 12:20

I honestly think the time for tact is well overdue. They are tactless in asking so you can be equally so in saying no to them OP.

Ponderingwindow · 19/07/2022 12:25

You need to say no.
you also need to remind her that she is an adult now and that means taking responsibility for her own household and budgeting appropriately. It won’t be a fun conversation, but do not let her try to guilt you into being responsible for decisions she and her husband have made.

rookiemere · 19/07/2022 12:26

They sound awful.
I'd tell your DD to get a job so she can claim her state pension when the time comes.
I'd maybe try to head off future requests by saying you've done the maths and you have no spare income. You enjoy seeing them and your DGC but please can they stop asking for money every time they see you as you have none to spare.

Provenceinthesummer · 19/07/2022 12:31

‘This will be my final word on the subject dd, I do
not want you to approach me for money again under any circumstances. I am worried about my old age and not managing financially and you have many options to work if you need more money. My working days are running out. I would appreciate it if you could relay this discussion to your dh so we are all on the same page. I would be grateful if we can set up a repayment arrangement for everything I have lent you so far’

Provenceinthesummer · 19/07/2022 12:32

You are being used

Govesdancingpartner · 19/07/2022 12:33

No mortgage no rent and no bloody sence. I would say if you cannot manage you will have to downsize like you did. It is time for you to enjoy your hard earned money

Eviebeans · 19/07/2022 12:37

How about saying "are you mad how on earth do you think I can afford to keep giving you cash?"
Or
£200! that's my food shop for a month" or something similar
Sometimes ppl need to be told in simple terms

Cognacsoft · 19/07/2022 12:37

My db and his wife were like this.
My dm gave them everything and also took out a loan for them.
She now lives in a house that needs thousands spending on it and has no savings for repairs.
Dont be like my dm OP.

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 19/07/2022 12:39

I have a relative that constantly asks their parent for handouts. They too don't have a mortgage/rent and receive not insignificant levels of benefits. I struggle with this relative because they make no real attempt to cut their cloth to their income and always have excuses or moral reasons why they couldn't opt for the cheap phone/computer/TV package/supermarket/car/personal grooming products and an ever expanding list of things that they need to buy to 'cope'.
I seriously hope my dc don't turn out like this, I can't imagine how their parent feels and I don't want to be put in that position.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 19/07/2022 12:42

Yes I would make your other child sole executor of your will otherwise you are setting then up for a lot of stress when you pass.

Your grabby child and husband cannot be trusted.

dustofneptune · 19/07/2022 12:48

It's easy for strangers to look at the situation and make judgements and say "just say no". But I totally get that it's always more nuanced in reality. A stranger on the internet can tell you that they are both nothing but cheeky fuckers, taking the piss, using you, diabolical, etc. But you see the good sides of them, their struggles, etc. And since you've been on a low income yourself, you naturally don't want your daughter to struggle the same way. It probably triggers some kind of feelings of you failing her.

What you have to do is accept accountability for the situation. It's just human nature for people to do what is easier for them. Habits form really easily, and by lending her money even when you protest that you're worried about money, you've set up a situation where you are enabling her.

And that's the thing to think about, really. If you're always bailing her out, you're actually making it worse for her in the long term, because she has no incentive to learn how to manage her money or find a way to bring in more income.

My sister is this way with our parents. She asks for money every other week, if not more often. She doesn't budget, doesn't work, and they constantly bail her out - so she has no incentive to sort herself out. We're in our late 30s now and it still continues. I can also see how my sister's self-confidence is basically 0, because she's always had this story in her head that she's not capable - and that's why she relies on financial support.

I would take your daughter aside and tell her that from this point out, you are not going to be lending any money, because you can't afford it and it's causing you too much stress. Advise her to build a contingency fund and talk to her about budgeting. She will ask you for money again, because it's a habit. When she does, tell her you can't. If you do this a few times, she'll stop asking.

alwayscheery · 19/07/2022 12:54

Just say sorry you are grown ups now , and you earn more than me , suggest they think about getting new jobs.
Make it be known the money is tied up in bonds and you no longer have access to it .
They are very entitled, just as long as they know the money is there, they will not stop asking .

FinallyHere · 19/07/2022 13:29

And making one sister sole executor will lead to bad blood between them when you are gone.

I just don't find this.

Having a flaky sibling with joint executor powers just makes an existing job much, much harder if they fight or even just dispute at every point.

By all means make then joint beneficiaries but give the proven sensible one as easy a time as executor as you can. There are laws against dodgy dealing as an executor.

goldfinchonthelawn · 19/07/2022 13:36

Tell them again, very clearly, that you can't afford to and never will be able to. Say, 'Do you really need to sit down with me and comb through my financial situation and my income forecast before you'll believe me and stop asking? If I had excess wealth, I promise I'd share it with you. As it is, what I'm trying to do is be careful with money so I won't be a burden on you later in life. Care home fees stand at around £1k a week at the moment and they are not going to go down, ever. Only up. Do you understand why I need to ringfence the savings I have for the future or do you really want to go through the embarassing performance of me showing you what I have and working out how many years I might live and how long it will last?'

dottiedodah · 19/07/2022 13:53

Well they are a couple of CFs! Why are they running 2 cars FFS! You say he doesnt earn much,so why is she not working ?.Time to get tough .Stand in front of the Mirror ,and repeat 3 times over "Look Im afraid I wont be able to help you out any more .I have bills to cover and everything has gone up" Do you have brothers /sisters/friends of your own to back you up? You need to get a bit arsey with them . It annoys me when adult DC behave like this!

Original poster
Ritascornershop · 19/07/2022 14:16

They have two cats because they bought a house in the middle of nowhere and he commutes to work and she needs to be able to get the kids into town. So that I get. I don’t get why they can’t get by on his income.

Also it bothers me that her dad was like this and took advantage of his mum (his dad put a stop to it eventually when I said that I knew my ex’s income and it was 6 figures and if he couldn’t manage on that it was about time he did. His parents were wealthy, skilled working class, and it just made me so cross that he’d ask them for money all the time and tell his mum he didn’t have enough for food!). My daughter knew this and like the rest of us was baffled by him. She’s not got a big income like him (or rather her husband doesn’t), but I still think she needs to be more careful with her discretionary spending.

Her husband is very sweet, has helped me when I had to sell my house (with cleaning it etc), but he’s a dreamer and imo they both spend a lot on takeout (for example). Which would be none of my business if they weren’t asking me for money.

Good point above about ring fencing the money against the possibility of a care home one day.

OP posts:
SpotlessMind88 · 19/07/2022 14:23

"No" is a full sentence. You don't need to explain why you're not willing to subsidise their life with your money. Just say no. Some people find it hard to say no, but the problem is, once you start borrowing they will always come back to borrow again and again. Then it gets harder and harder to say no because you gave them money before.

MsFrenchie · 19/07/2022 14:25

How about sending her a Spotify link to “Get a job” by The Offspring?

MsFrenchie · 19/07/2022 14:29

The mistake that many people make when saying no is to go on and give reasons to justify their decision. Justifications open the door to arguments that you don’t need. The full answer is far better when it is “no.”

Have they phrased it as being loans in the past? If so I’d also, after refusing, ask when they plan to pay back what they have borrowed so far.

OriginalUsername2 · 19/07/2022 16:56

T

Salome61 · 19/07/2022 19:08

I have told both of my kids that I have money invested for my care. I wouldn't expect either of them to look after me in my old age. Hopefully the £85K care cap will come in October 2023, and if I do go into care in the future, there might be a little bit left for them to inherit.

AbbieLexie · 19/07/2022 19:44

Mumsnet has taught me so much - at one point I had a notice on my kitchen cupboard so I could practice and remember No is a complete sentence. I also learned you don’t need to explain or justify why you have said no. Did you mean to be so rude said with consternation is also very good. Keep smiling.

Huntswomanonthemove · 19/07/2022 19:49

I understand, they are still our children and we love them. It's very difficult indeed to say no but you have to. Just keep saying it, it gets easier. Flowers

Winter2020 · 21/07/2022 08:31

"She does intend to work part-time around his full-time hours when the baby is a bit older."

If they can't manage on their income then the time for this is now. We all know costs are rising and utility bills will go up a chunk in October. If you can't manage then you don't have the luxury of waiting.

Three evenings a week (even two) would make a huge difference and as she would earn less than the threshold there will be no income tax to pay so very little in the way of deductions.