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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Adult kids asking for money

83 replies

Ritascornershop · 18/07/2022 18:40

Anyone else? I have two adult children, mid 20’s.
One would never dream of asking for money, the other does it constantly. Sometimes £20, sometimes £200, etc.

Shes a sahm, husband works full time (he doesn’t make much). They own their own home outright due to an inheritance.

I’ve explained repeatedly that as I’ve been low income too I won’t get a pension I can live off so the money from having to sell my house has to be eked out over however long from now till I expire (I bought a flat and had some left over).

Sometimes they’re not asking for much (her husband hints around about me lending them money for all his business ideas). I find it really stressful, as I find any money thing stressful. I don’t mind at all spending a bit on my 2 grandkids for presents outside of birthdays and Christmas, but don’t feel it’s right to ask me for money for petrol for their 2 cars, for bills, etc.

How to tactfully say no? Explaining that I’m not flush doesn’t get me anywhere.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 18/07/2022 20:10

@Ritascornershop

How to tactfully say no? Explaining that I’m not flush doesn’t get me anywhere.

Don't be tactful - be direct and clear.

Obviously your politeness to date hasn't deterred them hinting with their hands out so you really do need to make it clear you can't help any more and that, in fact, they are in a better financial position than you are.

He should look at a better paying job (or a second job) and she should look to see what work she can get which dovetails with her husband's hours do she can bring some additional income into the household.

Do resist any inclination to lend them anything (have they ever paid you back?) and certainly no large sums for his "business" because if/when it fails you'll likely be left high and dry.

Never lend what you can't afford to lose.

Also yes, change your Executor to the other sibling. Maybe in conjunction with your solicitor? Just in case the daughter asking for loans puts pressure on her sister. 🌹

justforthisnow · 18/07/2022 20:11

To use a very classic MN saying: "No is a complete sentence". It's truly amazing how much easier it becomes to say with practice Grin

skeemee · 18/07/2022 20:24

if you are finding it difficult to say no, just tell them you have invested in savings account that can’t be touched without a hefty penalty. So you can’t lend any more money.

maybe consider actually doing this to try and maximise the savings you have. Post in the Money Matters section on here for investment advice.

FinallyHere · 18/07/2022 20:25

How to tactfully say no

I'm afraid that I really don't think that this is the right question to be asking.

Just say, sorry, no. No explanations, no justification. Nothing to encourage them to think they can change your mind. Just no. Or perhaps, sorry, no that won't be possible.

They only ask because it has been successful so far, so now they think it's worth a try.

Repeat no until they get the message.

Don't be apologetic about it, you have no cause to be apologetic. The only reason they ask is that they think they will get money from you. Money to which they have no right and certainly no entitlement.

Say you piece then sit back and Just observe with interest how long it takes them to accept that the answer will be no, anytime they ask.

It's not easy, but it really is simple.

P.s. be more like his mother. She has got the measure of them. They don't bother asking her. Be like that.

Chewbecca · 19/07/2022 10:10

I agree, don’t explain why not, they will find a way around that. I don’t mean be rude or blunt, just don’t actually provide a reason that can be disputed, e.g. if she persists, it goes something like this:

DD: mum, can I borrow £50 pls?
You: no, sorry love
DD: why not?
You: i just can’t I’m afraid
DD: oh, why not? I thought you had a couple of thousand in that account
You: no, I don’t have any spare
DD: when do you get your pension? Can you spare some then?
You: no, sorry darling, I can’t. Want a cuppa?

Original poster
Ritascornershop · 19/07/2022 10:57

They have paid me back a few times. But they also have form
for suddenly deciding to save money by living at mine (before they had kids) and saying they’d help with bills and then her saying they couldn’t afford it. I couldn’t afford, at the time, the extra hot water and electricity, but nvm aye. They also stayed rent free in their dead relatives house for months, told her sibling she’d pay rent as they’d both be inheriting it, and then said they couldn’t afford to because they had to replace the cooker and dishwasher.

I guess I’m used to taking care of my kids and I feel a bit mean (& awkward) saying no. But you’ve all bolstered me!

She does intend to work part-time around his full-time hours when the baby is a bit older. And he does work hard, but doesn’t have a lot of skills and less confidence. They don’t ask his mum not because she’s cannily got the measure of them, but because she was abusive when he was young and still is quite verbally cruel to him. He’s a good man, just quite ground down and a dreamer. It hasn’t been a ton of money (yet), but every time it makes me anxious. I have a lot of anxiety around money from being a struggling divorced mum. I’ve told them that, so think it’s insensitive of them to keep asking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ritascornershop · 19/07/2022 10:57

And Chewbaca, I love your script, that’s perfect.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ritascornershop · 19/07/2022 10:59

And the cost of the cooker and dishwasher were a fraction of what they would have paid in rent if they hadn’t given up their flat to move to their dead relatives place. So I was annoyed on their sibling’s behalf and their sibling was annoyed as well.

OP posts:
KimWexlersPonyTail · 19/07/2022 11:06

Pubs and restaurants are crying out for staff, she can work evenings when the husband returns from work, simple. Never asked my parents for a single penny even as a child, can't believe the entitlement i see on mumsnet. Just say no you don't need to apologise

Lsquiggles · 19/07/2022 11:12

They sound very entitled and spoilt, you've enabled it long enough. Time to just say 'that doesn't work for me, sorry' and stick to it, grown adults should know how to support themselves - especially if they're mortgage free!

Beamur · 19/07/2022 11:18

Change your will to the other sibling being executor if you have concerns.
Be more assertive around the money requests. Nip the hints in the bud and feel more confident in saying you intend to use your savings to enjoy your retirement, you've worked hard and have raised your kids and it's time for you to kick back a bit.
Say what you're happy to offer around support and childcare but maybe say explicitly that they need to stop asking you to subsidise them.

easyday · 19/07/2022 11:20

Please do NOT threaten them with the Will thing. And making one sister sole executor will lead to bad blood between them when you are gone.
There is no need for conflict if you divide your estate between them. Why do you think your daughter will not do things properly? You should always have two executors, one who is not a beneficiary.

Afterfire · 19/07/2022 11:21

I’m in the same position as your dd - sahm, dh on a full time low wage and home owned outright due to inheritance (my mum died). I cannot imagine asking anyone for money! 😳 You really just have to learn to say no.

RB68 · 19/07/2022 11:30

I think they think you have "all this money" from the house sale. But once its gone its gone. I would tie it up so it can't be accessed without say 3 or 6 mths notice, have regular payments to yourself for living costs and maybe a small amount for emergencies in another saving account with immediate access. If you are not working at the moment or retired I would still look at having a small job say 1 day a week and use that for special things or gifts - so you know your money to pay for living out your retirement is covered.

I like to help folk out but also don't like having the pee taken - if she has opportunity to work in some capacity that should be encouraged, I understand childcare costs vs low income jobs but there are evening and weekend shifts. They need to learn to budget and not waste money on fly by night schemes which it sounds like they are into - tell them to get up and go to carboots, sell things on facebay - with two small kids there will be clothes and toys they grow out of etc. You would be doing them a favour as they will have to stand on their own two feet. You need to cut back on pressies and toys and then maybe you can drop them a tenner when they come over as a bit of petrol money etc. THey can't have it all ways and you need to protect yourself against poverty in old age.

Maurepas · 19/07/2022 11:36

Your DD and SIL are being very thick skin to even imagine you should/can/will give them any money in your circumstances considering you will only have a state pension (presumably) and the savings from sale of house to live on in your old age. They are grasping , brass necked and very unattractive - OP beware! Point out to them what very bad form they have.

Blahblahaha · 19/07/2022 11:38

I mean what are they exactly struggling with...even on a low wage, don't they get it topped up by universal credit the same as other people?
I would direct them back to their spending habits when they ask and say 'oh dear, let's have a look at your budget and see if there is anything you can change in order to allow you to save to do XYZ'

NoMichaelNo · 19/07/2022 11:41

I'd be telling your daughter to get a job rather than begging you for money.

saleorbouy · 19/07/2022 11:44

As grown adults with dependent children it's up to them to earn sufficient money for the family.
Just refuse to lend or give any more money, it's not up to you to fund their lifestyle. If they cannot afford to live as they currently do then they should cut back or seek employment opportunities to increase their income.
Maybe ask them to lend you money and see the response you get!

MintJulia · 19/07/2022 11:52

Forget tactful.

Next time they ask, I would send them an email saying 'Please do not ask to borrow money again. I am on a low income and cannot help you. Request and Refusal will cause embarrassment and ill-feeling.'

If they continue to ask after that, they are financially abusing you.

HollowTalk · 19/07/2022 11:52

I think they do resent you having anything for yourself, yet they are living completely rent-free! They must be incredibly bad at managing their money if they can't afford to live without handouts when they have a full-time wage coming in and no rent or mortgage.

I wouldn't mention buying anything for yourself. I feel the PP was far too polite - I'd probably say, "For god's sake stop asking me for money! I'm fed up of it. You have a wage coming in and you're not paying any rent - look at what you're overspending on and don't ask me again."

HollowTalk · 19/07/2022 11:53

Or you could say, "Oh I was just about to ask you for that £XXX back that you borrowed last month, because I'm really broke at the moment. When can you let me have it?"

Acheyknees · 19/07/2022 11:56

The way to avoid conflict and to completely stop this in its tracks is to tell her you are struggling financially and could they afford to help you the way you have helped them. They won't... but it will stop the requests

Salome61 · 19/07/2022 11:57

I had this with my son after my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly in 2016, he lost his job shortly after our bereavement and I gave him my Bereavement Allowance for the year. He was living in a rented house with his girlfriend, he was 22. My daughter was 20 and in a shared house at Uni. I got a pension from my late husband's company, already had my small Teacher's pension, and get my SP next April. It's been a long wait as I didn't know SP age had increased to 66, my savings have almost gone. I have sold our beautiful big house and downsized to a small bungalow, but sadly all my equity and savings are going on essential work to have the floors replaced, I'll now be relying on my pensions only until next April. Surveyor couldn't lift the fitted carpets and I've got wet/dry rot/woodworm in the floorboarded room, mushy mouldy chipboard in all the others. Such a bore, the equity was earmarked for new furniture here etc.

I only stopped giving my son money 'on demand' when my daughter said she was scared that he'd start asking her when I died :( It gave me a jolt.

A few years ago I had a discussion with my son and explained we both needed to change our behaviour. His money management was poor because I was enabling him by always bailing him out. He needed to start budgeting for his life as an independent person, and stop relying on me financially. I said I would always help him by lending him money if he needed it in the future, but he would have to pay me back. He understood I was doing the best for both of us, I think his Dad would have approved. He's never asked me to lend him money since.

Could you have this chat with your daughter?

SpilltheTea · 19/07/2022 12:03

She should get a job that fits around her husband's hours then. I doubt they're genuinely struggling without a mortgage or rent to pay. Simply tell her no, stop asking. You've tried explaining, but she couldn't give a shit.

catandcoffee · 19/07/2022 12:08

OP yes I have similar.
The sad fact is your daughter is taking advantage of you.

She really doesn't care about your old age and having no-one to support you.

As sad as it is, she's a user....very hard to think your adult child can be like that.

You have my sympathy.