My kids are freeloaders.

[Dilraj68]

Would you insist on your adult children who live with you to contribute to the household expenses?

I haven't broached the subject yet but two of my three kids are earning. DD1 who's 23, works in a good city firm and a part time retail job so she does the odd shopping now and again and will always ask me if I need anything if she's on her way home from work. She has ADHD.

DS1 works only part time but has never asked or contributed to anything into the home. He will never replace something that he uses most of and will wait until I stock up. He will expect me to give him some cash if I need some milk or bread, he wouldn't offer. In short, they don't bring much into the house but they don't save money either, using utilities unnecessarily and wasting resources. They are eating me out of the house and don't think twice or offer to replace finished items. He has ADHD.

DD2 who's 22, is at uni and spends her student finance allowance money like water and shops online for ridiculously expensive face care products. She's not working and will be under my feet until September with no intention of finding a job. She says she has social anxiety trembles at the thought of going out to find work. She's driving me insane with her lazy attitude. She will stock up on junk food and stash it in her room so she doesn't need to come downstairs. Pissing me off.

Their rooms are a pigsty (another story ) and I jus feel so overwhelmed with managing everything on my own as I'm a single mum. I don't earn much and everything I do earn goes straight onto the bills and I never actually 'see' my money until it's all gone and I end up living off my overdraft. It's the same old story every month.

I don't want my kids to feel like they're living in a bed and breakfast but I also feel like they should help me out financially, I had two jobs by the time I was 18 and haven't stopped working since I turned 17. I have a strong work ethic and I hoped they would too.

DD3 is only 13 and I'm concerned that she's going to fall into this trap of not having the need to work because mummy does everything.

Am I expecting too much? Is it wrong to expect them to take life seriously and contribute? I'm so close to asking the unemployed one to either find a job or go and live with her dad so she'll know which side the grass is greener on. Here she has everything at her disposal.

I've never had disposable cash as everything goes onto bills directly from my direct debits. I can't even afford to give them cash on their birthdays and last week, they told me he gave them £40 each from their dad who never paid maintenance until I took him to court. He has no child rearing expenses, no rent to pay (sheltered housing) no clothes or food to buy for the kids so he gets off easily and can afford to do that. That makes me feel very inadequate as a mum who's struggling. I've never even been abroad for a holiday let alone somewhere local. Just feel like running away sometimes and not be a mum for a few days.

I'm 54 next week and I just feel sooo depressed with no money and a huge burden on me.

Keyboard warriors, please refrain from bashing me with negative comments. Thank you.

Yes they should pay a percentage of their income, what is the Uni one going to do when she graduates?

Of course you’re not expecting too much. In fact you’re actually doing them a disservice by enabling them. They need to learn that in life, an adult pays their own way. Sit them down, tell them from now on rent is £200 a month (ridiculously cheap for all inclusive, so they can’t argue with that). Say if they don’t like it they can find their own flat to rent. No more cooking meals for them or doing laundry. It’s on you to change things, if you continue to be passive then things will stay the same. It’s that simple.

I forgot to mention that my rent is paid by the council as I'm claiming HB and on universal credit. I do two part time jobs to supplement my income as well. Bills have risen astronomically and I'm finding it hard to put food on the table for a family of 5. I have gone without meals so that they can have their portion, but nobody thinks about me.

It's so hard. I actually wrote a list of monthly bills when we were having shocked looks at me suggesting my adult DC should contribute. They were genuinely shocked at the list and cost of utilities that they use every day. As well as the cost of groceries. I accept this is my fault as I have over indulged them, but to see the actual facts helped them realise it's only fair to contribute when they have an income and it's been easier since.

So do something about it? You’re not a passive onlooker, you actually hold all the cards here. There’s an answer stating you in the face, will you take it?

But your hb will be reduced by having working adults living with you.. You need to claw this back off them.

Of course you're not asking too much. Time for it to change. You sound so down and depressed and I'm not surprised. I'd sit down, write out your expenditure, what you've got coming in / going out, and then for each child, come up with a set figure. I'm sure you'll be fair, as you sound lovely. They're taking advantage of you.
Tell them you also want them to keep their rooms clean, and do some household chores. You all live there - it's not just up to you.
Once you've got more money coming in, start putting some aside and get a holiday booked.

Id throw maths at the problem. Then family meeting.

So you say I can't afford to pay the bills so the options are:
A
Electricity costs x per month we all pay an equal share.
Water costs Y per month we all pay an equal share
TV /Internet etc costs Z per month.
The cost goes down slightly when lazy uni daughter comes home as it's split more ways.

I will no longer pay for your phones, travel, whatever.

You need to also pay me rent of X (your choice of what)

B: You can move out and I will get lodgers. Look up going rate for lodgers.

C. Their suggestions. With the figures.

Agree they need to help.
It's not all about the money (although you sound like you could use it) it's about respecting and contributing to their own lives as well as yours.
Learning the cost and value of things is the best lesson you can give them now and you need to hold firm if they push back or argue.
Start it in increments if it'll go down better but give them a deadline that in X months it will be £X per person. If you can shift one bill (broadband for DD2, water for DS 1 etc) so they can build up credit files, have responsibility and learn that everyone needs to work as a team and that some things come before luxuries and impact everyone.
Do they help with chores?

Bloody OBVIOUSLY Op

omg how have you not addressed this before?

they ALL pay dig money , they ALL keep their rooms tidy , they ALL take a chore and are responsible for it.
if the 2 with ADHD are fine enough to be employed-theyre bloody fine enough to help out and be adults - they are at it!!

make a list and tell them it changes at of Monday.
youre not put on this earth to skivvy after your children and family forever

So… the. Fact they have ADHD doesn’t mean they shouldnt pay/participate. That’s the first thing.

The second is that YES THEY NEED TO GIVE YOU SOME RENT.
Appreciate I will be looking like I’m shouting. I’m not. I just want to emphasise that you are not unreasonable to expect them to contribute.
I would make the total of how much you spend, show them how you are actually not earning enough to feed them. So there is no discussion about the fact they have to do something.
Have a think about how much they need to contribute - a set amount or a proportion of their wages, whatever feels right to you but will also allow you to actually eat!!
Talk to them about the fact you are not eating so they can.
Talk to them about the fact your priority is you, dd3 (and maybe dd2?). You can’t be buying for them all the time if this means others like dd3 has to go wo.

Anotyer question for me would be if they actually participate in the running if the house. As in do they cook/push the Hoover around etc? Or are they expecting to be waited on hands and feet?

And when are they planning to move out?
Again your have ds who only has a part time job? Why?
a dd who works with a full time job, why is she not getting independent?
You need a discussion on what the future will look like and some idea of the time scale.

What they all said. i would tell them that there will be a family meeting on Monday evening to discuss major changes around the running of the house-but dont tell them what-this should get the cheeky fuckers thinking.

Yes they all need to chip in with expenses. Don't call it rent though. It's their contribution towards the running of the household. And they need to do their share of housework.

You're going without food for the sake of two freeloading adults. Why? If it was your DD3 I could understand it, she doesn't have any choice in the matter. Your DD1 sounds like she would help out more if she were asked to, but DD2 and DS1 are royally taking the piss.

I'd definitely let some of them going and live with their dad if they kick off. You need to reduce your outgoings.

I don't know much about it but I'm surprised your housing benefit is covering a house big enough for four adults? Or might you actually lose part of your housing benefit if there is a spare room in the house?

100% they need to contribute to all of the costs of running the household.

From.when I had a part time job I contribute 1/3 of my earnings. Whether that was earning 10£ a night in a pub or £200 a week in a full time job. It certainly taught me the value of money.

Your story is very sad to read. You've been such a good mum that they don't see you as an actual human with feelings.

Sometimes you can ruin your children by loving them too much, and wanting to protect them.

You must stand up for yourself... they are taking the piss.
💐

My 19 yr old pays towards the cost of the house on his part time wages - he gives £250 a month. He also cooks, cleans and does his own washing.

You need to be the driving force behind this.

I paid my mum housekeeping from 18 onwards. If I got a payrise, then I upped my monthly rent.
She was also a single parent on a low income, she got herself into debt to keep a roof over our heads and to keep us fed. Why would I not want to contribute? They are adults and in the adult world you have to pay for a roof over your head. They have the option to pay rent or move out and go into private rent which will be significantly more expensive.
It's time to get tough with them. They've leeched off you for long enough

We had the exact same thing with my dsd
her mum slung her out so she ended up with us-which was fine
only she refused to get a job,she’d sit demanding we buy her certain brands of foods-brand names none of this tesco ‘crap’-say a packet of bagels (we don’t eat bagels)
she’d eat one then bin the rest as the rest where ‘dirty’
our food bill alone shot up over 100%
she’d leave lights on all over the house,use something and just dump it,her room was a shithole,she’d demand more credit for her phone,she’d just help herself to something-that would be the last I saw of it-we spent nearly a grand on her prom-she ripped her dress to bits and snapped a heel on her shoe
this went on for over 6 months-her dad just couldn’t see it
i ended up losing it-either she paid rent and show respect or she could move out
within 24 hours she had a tantrum,hit my sons dog and stormed out
shes finding that the real world doesn’t kiss her arse-and she’s finding it very hard but tough,she had to learn the hard way

Your Dc are adults and should certainly be paying their own way! And doing their share of the chores and cooking. How else will they manage their own place when they leave?

If you want things to change then change them OP. It’s that simple.

Are you Asian OP? Because this level of self sacrifice is common with Asian parents, but its not right.

Your children should be stepping up now, and you need to put your foot down and make it happen.

Yes, they should pay.
when I got my first part time job as a student at 16 and both my parents were working, I gave them money off my own back.
The one that’s finished uni sounds like she’s shirking.

Unless they've been living under a rock, they'll have been hearing about the huge energy cost rises and the general cost of living shooting up. I'd use that as the catalyst for the family meeting that a pp suggested. I makes it less personal. Outside (and very real) conditions stimulating the change, rather than mum just.going off on one, will hopefully prevent any knee jerk whinging less likely, and easier to put.down.

As well as keeping their rooms clean and tidy they each could contribute one daily and 1 weekly chore …. Plus rent obviously!! Eg)

DD1 £350 pcm rent plus emptying washing machine daily & doing the bins.

DS1 £200 pcm rent plus emptying dishwasher daily & mopping kitchen & bathroom twice a week

DD2 studying so maybe £50pcm rent & cleaning sinks 2 x a week and hoovering once a week.

They each need to make dinner once a week / fortnight.

You are a family - a team - not an unpaid skivvy for your children! Good luck OP