My kids are freeloaders.

[Dilraj68]

Would you insist on your adult children who live with you to contribute to the household expenses?

I haven't broached the subject yet but two of my three kids are earning. DD1 who's 23, works in a good city firm and a part time retail job so she does the odd shopping now and again and will always ask me if I need anything if she's on her way home from work. She has ADHD.

DS1 works only part time but has never asked or contributed to anything into the home. He will never replace something that he uses most of and will wait until I stock up. He will expect me to give him some cash if I need some milk or bread, he wouldn't offer. In short, they don't bring much into the house but they don't save money either, using utilities unnecessarily and wasting resources. They are eating me out of the house and don't think twice or offer to replace finished items. He has ADHD.

DD2 who's 22, is at uni and spends her student finance allowance money like water and shops online for ridiculously expensive face care products. She's not working and will be under my feet until September with no intention of finding a job. She says she has social anxiety trembles at the thought of going out to find work. She's driving me insane with her lazy attitude. She will stock up on junk food and stash it in her room so she doesn't need to come downstairs. Pissing me off.

Their rooms are a pigsty (another story ) and I jus feel so overwhelmed with managing everything on my own as I'm a single mum. I don't earn much and everything I do earn goes straight onto the bills and I never actually 'see' my money until it's all gone and I end up living off my overdraft. It's the same old story every month.

I don't want my kids to feel like they're living in a bed and breakfast but I also feel like they should help me out financially, I had two jobs by the time I was 18 and haven't stopped working since I turned 17. I have a strong work ethic and I hoped they would too.

DD3 is only 13 and I'm concerned that she's going to fall into this trap of not having the need to work because mummy does everything.

Am I expecting too much? Is it wrong to expect them to take life seriously and contribute? I'm so close to asking the unemployed one to either find a job or go and live with her dad so she'll know which side the grass is greener on. Here she has everything at her disposal.

I've never had disposable cash as everything goes onto bills directly from my direct debits. I can't even afford to give them cash on their birthdays and last week, they told me he gave them £40 each from their dad who never paid maintenance until I took him to court. He has no child rearing expenses, no rent to pay (sheltered housing) no clothes or food to buy for the kids so he gets off easily and can afford to do that. That makes me feel very inadequate as a mum who's struggling. I've never even been abroad for a holiday let alone somewhere local. Just feel like running away sometimes and not be a mum for a few days.

I'm 54 next week and I just feel sooo depressed with no money and a huge burden on me.

Keyboard warriors, please refrain from bashing me with negative comments. Thank you.

I don't think you should feel like a fool, OP - you've fallen into a situation after years of doing everything yourself, raising four kids as a single mother like a bloody warrior. Add to that your cultural expectations and the pandemic having been brutal on our kids, and it's entirely understandable how you've ended up where you are today.

However, that can stop now. As @Only4You says, you must never go without food so that they can lounge in comfort on their Emma mattresses. And I wouldn't start small - I agree with other posters that the money is the key thing to sort out. Whether they do or do not do their own washing doesn't put food on your plate. They can contribute to the running costs of the household or they can ship out.

And your children need to understand that nothing is free and that they need to pay for the essentials of life first. My oldest replaced our washing machine without being asked when the old one died, because they understood that they had money and living without one made life hard, but they still pay 'keep'. I hope I have given them valuable lessons in life.

Yes I take rent from my kids who have jobs. It helps with the food shop. Like you said they just waste their wages anyway so you may aswell benefit from it. I insist they pay me the day they get paid too. I'm thinking for putting it up to ten percent of their wages

OP I hope this thread makes you feel better! One tip - make them set up a regular DD - for the first yea I was so pissed off chasing my girl every two weeks. A direct debit means they will get used to it going out and as re old song goes, 'that's life!'
Good luck please report back once you've made enough back for the Mumsnet favourite, The Spa Break!

Fed up of paying for every single utility, Netflix, TV licence (they now want the Disney channel).

There is a start then. 1 takes over the Netflix, another can book Disney if they want. There must be other things that they want that you don't need...

When I lived with my parents after uni 10 years ago, I was earning around £800 a month and paid £200 to my parents for rent/food, and that went up to £300 once I was full time. I think for the ones earning £200 would be more than reasonable, as that would cover the food they eat and power they use.

Being assertive with them isnt being harsh, it's in their best interests - they're going to have issues if they move into a house share or move in with a partner and behave like total disrespectful slobs. Also your effectively insulating them from the cost of living - they need to realise how expensive everything is!

Good luck OP

Have you updated your claim to show how many working adults are in your home?

I have yes, thank you.

So I had the talk last night with the kids minus one of them as he was staying with his dad and back tonight.

DD1 who earns the most was horrified at the thought of being asked to contribute. She was teary and kept on insisting that she needs to save all her money for her wedding (not happening anytime now but wants to be organised) she knows me and her dad haven't got a penny for that which is why she's saving. She also brought up the following points :

1. I should look for a better paid job or increase my hours

2. I should get rid of certain things we don't need like Sky TV as no one really watches it.

3. Switch suppliers.

4. She needs to save every penny because she forked out £9000 to pay DD2's tuition fees because she left her degree half way through and wasn't getting funding. So that's a massive chunk gone. I can sympathise with that.

5. She's resentful because she loaned me nearly £1000 over a period of 5 years when she clearly offered to pay off the bailiffs on a parking charge and a Black Friday bargain 3 years ago.

I'm hurt that she could suggest the first option, if I was not working and simply on benefits I could understand that frustration. Working more hours won't necessarily beat the inflation rate, that will always be there.

She's horrified that I'm treating her like a tenant and not as a daughter. She even claims that none of her friends pay rent to their parents but forgot to mention that that maybe their parent are lone ones. Also that these parents actually pay for their kids! That's the parent's choice because they have money! She's offered to pay for the food shop but won't contribute to the energy bill which is a whopping £365 a month. DD2 has taken control of Netflix and DS1 will do the Broadband. The council tax is £117!

Don't get me wrong, DD1 is quite an understanding and fair minded person when it comes to issues with life, equality etc etc but I cannot understand why she refuses to pay board. Doing the odd food shop on an ad hoc basis isn't enough. I asked for £300 a month because already I'm overdrawn after all the bills are paid. I was counting pennies yesterday at the local Lidl.

There are things that need fixing in the house but she cannot see. She's looking for reasons as to why the water bill is high and accuses the youngest of taking forever in the showers.

Stuck now, I've reasoned the best I could and showed her my online banking statements but she's teary and completely oblivious and thinks it's my fault for being careless. She's adamant that I'm being unreasonable despite me telling her that my colleagues are her ages and they contribute to the household.

She needs to save every penny

No, she needs to save every penny she has LEFT OVER after paying her way in the home. It is simply not fair that you should struggle to get by, while she is piling up cash for an imaginary wedding!

Good point, this was mentioned too.

Weddings in our culture are quite sensitive. At her age, she thinks she's too old for marriage and us planning it already. She's 24 next month.

I've only read your first post OP.

These situations are hard but it won't be forever. All of them will move out eventually.

I always laugh at those posters who advise you to sit them down and tell them their rent to live with you is x amount a month or they will be thrown out - it's just such a ridiculous suggestion. If you do that it may cause irreparable damage to their mental health. You've already got one child telling you they feel too socially anxious to get a job. The world isn't the same as when you were 17/18.

Give them a bit of a break, they will leave when they are ready and until then your home is their safe place.

Absolutely charge them for housekeeping and food.
Set up a rota of jobs to be done - you are not their slave - why are you overwhelmed when you have so many adults living at home that can help?
You son needs to work full time
The only exception to this is your youngest child, whom still needs to help out at home.

Wait - dd1 paid off dd2 £9000 loan and loaned you money for a Black Friday deal and your parking ticket fines and you still feel she's being unreasonable not giving more or have I got that wrong ? -I seriously hope I have as otherwise that poor girl is definitely not in the wrong not paying more.
When does she get her £10,000 loans back ?

You’re right to tackle this.

Don’t be put off by your DD’s initial negative reaction. It’s predictable that she’d be negative about the idea.

If you keep enabling them you do them no favours in the long run.

I’ve seen this happen to a couple of families. You end up with adults who are absolutely oblivious to the cost and effort of running a home.

I’d actually cancel the Netflix etc. and make sure that your DC make an account so that it is them that pay the direct debit.

I’d go as far as setting out the minimum expectation in terms of financial contribution, housework contribution, keeping communal areas tidy. If they don’t want to keep to your standards they can leave home.

The ADHD is no excuse as long as you are very clear about what needs to happen. You can’t wait and hope the they’ll figure out that something needs doing with many people with SEN. Be clear and direct and that they know how to do the task and if they then don’t do what you’re asking that is not ADHD but pure unpleasant entitlement.

Honestly nothing will ever change unless you come down very hard on this.

Also I think you’ve got a potentially very serious problem in that with numerous working adults in your house I’m very surprised that you’re entitled to any benefits. If you are not declaring your adult children’s presence in your house and their income to HMRC it will catch up with you and you could be investigated for benefits fraud.

Dd1 paid £9k to her sister??!

Sorry OP but you are enabling this, when they left school /Uni you should have treated them like adults. Sit them down and give them a copy of your outgoings, list every last thing that you buy or pay for. I think it may shock you all. Your heading really says it all and how you treat them, they are not kids they are adults, you are no longer a "single Mum" you are a woman with grown adults taking the mick out of you.

However.

The stark option is-

you either pay a share or you move out. It cannot continue.

So dd1 is £10k down though?? I think that's pretty relevant?

you either pay a share or you move out. It cannot continue.

This absolutely.

My DD (who is a young child) has said she wants to live with me forever. For her sake I hope this won’t be the case but I’ve already told her that she’ll be welcome to stay at home as long as she likes but after she’s finished education she’ll be paying her share of the bills and doing half the housework! I’m just not willing to end up in this situation having seen it with so many families.

I've reasoned the best I could and showed her my online banking statements
**
With respect OP, this is crazy. These are your children, you are the parent. I don't understand why you are having to reason with her. It's your house!! My parents never negotiated the contribution to the household I paid them, they told me what it would be (a % of take home pay once I had finished my studies). If I hadn't liked it I could have left. Tell your children the rules - don't negotiate, don't show them your bank statements (why would you do that?). To be clear my parents didn't 'need' the money I paid them - it was about learning to be an adult, to budget, to take responsibility and to contribute to the household. My parents didn't show me utility bills or bank statements and say they needed help paying. I would have found that bizarre and inappropriate.

Having said all that, it seems like the money situation in your house is very confusing and to be honest I can't relate - you have borrowed money from your daughter in the past? She has leant money to a sibling? And these are big sums of money. That all needs to be resolved.

But overall OP, act like the parent. You are the one in charge here (or should be).

Your children are walking all over you.
you need to take charge. Tell them how much money they have to pay you each month and make them set up direct debits TODAY for that amount. No negotiations.

She paid her tuition fees, she offered and I suggested that she makes it contractual so that it's repaid. She's not bothered about that, she is more concerned about the money she loaned me.

Sorry you claim DD1 is freeloading but she’s given her sister £9k?

Hi OP. I'm quite surprised because it is common in Pakistani culture for children to support their parents financially and in other ways when they need it. The reason why Asians were successful in maintaining strong families and communities was because they all lived together and shared both the financial and practical burden of day to day living whilst taking advantage of the economy of running a single household. It wasn't everyone freeloading from one person.

I think you've taken on too much responsibility for too long. Also they need to realise that as they get older relationships and responsibilities change.

There should be a rota for household chores ad they should have been helping in the practical chores years ago. You need a notice board with rota on there for taking bins out, cleaning, shopping. I would also start delegating a day of the week each where the older ones have to take charge of cooking for the family. It's a shock to their system, but start slowly and ramp up the responsibility on them.

Your DD wants to get married. She must know that culturally she needs to know how to run a household? Cooking for everyone once a week won't kill her.

All the extras like Sky TV, netflix etc need to go.

I wouldn't frame it as rent. You need to remind them that they have a responsibility towards their family and their mother. Saving every penny doesn't mean being stingy on your family to spend it all on yourself. That is selfishness.

If her dad is so great then why doesn't he help fund her wedding. The kids need a reality check.