My kids are freeloaders.

[Dilraj68]

Would you insist on your adult children who live with you to contribute to the household expenses?

I haven't broached the subject yet but two of my three kids are earning. DD1 who's 23, works in a good city firm and a part time retail job so she does the odd shopping now and again and will always ask me if I need anything if she's on her way home from work. She has ADHD.

DS1 works only part time but has never asked or contributed to anything into the home. He will never replace something that he uses most of and will wait until I stock up. He will expect me to give him some cash if I need some milk or bread, he wouldn't offer. In short, they don't bring much into the house but they don't save money either, using utilities unnecessarily and wasting resources. They are eating me out of the house and don't think twice or offer to replace finished items. He has ADHD.

DD2 who's 22, is at uni and spends her student finance allowance money like water and shops online for ridiculously expensive face care products. She's not working and will be under my feet until September with no intention of finding a job. She says she has social anxiety trembles at the thought of going out to find work. She's driving me insane with her lazy attitude. She will stock up on junk food and stash it in her room so she doesn't need to come downstairs. Pissing me off.

Their rooms are a pigsty (another story ) and I jus feel so overwhelmed with managing everything on my own as I'm a single mum. I don't earn much and everything I do earn goes straight onto the bills and I never actually 'see' my money until it's all gone and I end up living off my overdraft. It's the same old story every month.

I don't want my kids to feel like they're living in a bed and breakfast but I also feel like they should help me out financially, I had two jobs by the time I was 18 and haven't stopped working since I turned 17. I have a strong work ethic and I hoped they would too.

DD3 is only 13 and I'm concerned that she's going to fall into this trap of not having the need to work because mummy does everything.

Am I expecting too much? Is it wrong to expect them to take life seriously and contribute? I'm so close to asking the unemployed one to either find a job or go and live with her dad so she'll know which side the grass is greener on. Here she has everything at her disposal.

I've never had disposable cash as everything goes onto bills directly from my direct debits. I can't even afford to give them cash on their birthdays and last week, they told me he gave them £40 each from their dad who never paid maintenance until I took him to court. He has no child rearing expenses, no rent to pay (sheltered housing) no clothes or food to buy for the kids so he gets off easily and can afford to do that. That makes me feel very inadequate as a mum who's struggling. I've never even been abroad for a holiday let alone somewhere local. Just feel like running away sometimes and not be a mum for a few days.

I'm 54 next week and I just feel sooo depressed with no money and a huge burden on me.

Keyboard warriors, please refrain from bashing me with negative comments. Thank you.

You've had excellent advice already.
I'd add for the dc at uni who now has long holidays ahead and "social anxiety trembles" at the thought of getting a job... Omg.. You need to give her kick up the backside.
Firstly no reason she can't get a summer job.
Second if you pander to this notion of social anxiety stops me working you'll have her home after uni, living with you for free and never getting a job
Thirdly social anxiety affects all areas of a person's life, you can't have it selectively about paid work as opposed to going out with friends at uni.
That is the most almighty piss take.
And please do not do baby steps... It won't work.. They won't do their laundry suddenly, I guarantee they will just leave piles of dirty clothes lying around until. You crack and do it.
You absolutely must pull up your big girl pants and be firm. Money needs to be priority.
Plus... I might have missed it but why does dc2 not work ft?

You should be angry Dil you are being mugged off.
It's understandable how it happened ime single parents are so busy being everything to their kids you don't stop to think if you ought to be, I certainly didn't.
I think trying to compensate for being poor we accidentally create these entitled kids.
Hopefully yours have a bit of cultural influence too and will be easier to reign in. Play on it if you can, ask them if they are embarrassed that their Mother is running ragged while they sit off.
You need to get it into your head that you are not helping anyone by continuing and you could be creating more issues. Can you imagine any of them living independent? Would they be able to manage bills and a budget? What state would they keep their house in?
They have income and the luxury of no responsibility still so the very least they can do is pay their share and do a share of the jobs.
when they get out in the world they'll have to do that and have the worry of keeping a roof over their heads.

DD2 is the one who has social anxiety and finds every excuse not to find a job. My third child, DS1 works in Macs but only part time. He's not into uni and wants to set up a business. He has ADHD and social anxiety too but realises he needs to work of he wants certain things.

Cringing at “social anxiety trembles” at the thought of getting a job. She needs to get a bloody grip!

What does she think would happen if you started getting social anxiety trembles?! you’d all starve

oh and these are adults wanting the Disney channel? Ffs they need to grow up! They ain’t children any more!

Get some rent off them OP, today!!

Um I think you don’t know what the Disney channel is, it’s not just Disney,,

@Wisteriaroundthedoor

there is a lot of Disney on there too

I used to have social anxiety so much so that I struggled to do things like call utility companies. It wasn’t a thing when I was young. Yes, it impeded my ability to interview well and get really well paid positions. But I just got on with it… and I also managed to fake it enough to get decent work during the university holidays.

I have the Disney channel for the walking dead

Please @Dilraj68 tell me you are not going to buy anything for them (like the Disney Chanel, and any other non essential stuff) unless you are sure YOU are food for yourself. And some ‘luxuries’.

I get that culturally it’s pretty normal for your dcs to still be at home, for you to pay etc… However, there would be something really wrong if not only you were making all those efforts but also didn’t even get the basics for yourself.
As you said they don’t realise. They probably genuinely don’t know the forts you are doing for them. So don’t wait for that to happen and for them to suddenly buy food/flowers/whatever else to show their appreciation. Take what you need from the pot for yourself (I have no doubt it won’t be extravagant) and tell them there is nothing left for the rest. If they <insert extravagant stuff for themselves> they’ll have to buy it themselves.
Id also be tempted to put some food etc,.. aside for yourself to avoid them guzzling down all the nice stuff and leaving nothing for yourself.
Sharing is good. Nit being tight is a nice quality. But it doesn’t mean you should be taken for granted and you shouldn’t protect yourself too.

Im so glad your going to talk to them OP well done !
i cant speak to your culture , but if anything as PP have said : id worry about the social turning up wondering why they're paying housing and theres 3 workings adults! Thats a really serious issue OP.
THEY ahould be helping towards the rent so you can properly and legally reduce your benefits- and no judgement, just dont want to see you in a pickle later on with arrears and all the kids are away!

and the tidy control freak unfortunately has probably been your down fall: cant leave it 5 mins so you tidy it : kids win
your not doing it right , ill just bloody do it : kids win.
try TRY and stick to your guns, even if it means that you retreat to YOUR tidy bedroom or you dont sacrifice the kitchen - but try and leave the rest
your going to get somw resistance as theyve never been asked to Adult in the home, but stick with it as they need to learn

Honestly, reading these comments with such amazing advice has made me feel like such a fool.

Thank you everyone.

@Only4You

Take what you need from the pot for yourself (I have no doubt it won’t be extravagant) and tell them there is nothing left for the rest. If they
they’ll have to buy it themselves.

why shouldn’t it even extravagant?!
sounds like OP deserves some treats and luxuries to me!

Thank you, I feel I do!!

I'm pleased you can see the situation for what it is, Dilraj68.

You need to take control now, and tell your freeloading children what chores they will be doing, and how much they will be paying into the household budget. Don't ask them what they'd like to do, tell them.

Present them with the actual figures and explain how much of your valuable time is spent serving their needs.

And if they moan, they have a choice - they can move out if they think life will be easier!

Keyboard warriors will be shot on sight! Bloody hell that all sounds exhausting OP. If you sat them down and explained exactly how you're feeling in a calm way what do you think their response would be? You do need contributions from them 100%, but you must dread the shit storm and effort to argue and chase if they don't "get why".

Do your DC actually know that you often go without food just to pay to food on the table? Do they know how much money you have left over at the end of the month once all the bills are paid?

I can imagine if you actually told them , and laid it out and admitted to them how much you are struggling and how much it hurts your feelings when you see them spend £250 on an Emma mattress etc etc. I wonder if they would empathise with you when you say that you are anxious from keeping your head above water and pandering to them.

I'm sure deep down they love you and would hate it if they realised the impact they are having on you. I don't think children actually realise the impact they can have on other - especially their parents - who they take for granted.

Take on the advice from the other posters. Sit down, have a chat with them, state ALL your expectations, and show them bills. If they don't like it, have some rental examples ready so they can maybe then realise how much better off it is at home.

My rule is if you are in education/training (eg Apprenticeship), you don't need to pay your way. If you are not in education/training, it's £200 pcm or the option to move out.

Everyone in the house (regardless of income/school etc) shows a basic level of courtesy and cleans up after themselves.

I was paying rent to my parents at 16! I only had a part time job and full time college.
I would work out a percentage your happy with from their wages. I would also refuse to pay for Netflix, Disney etc they are luxuries and not your responsibility not now they're adults anyway!

You don't need to feel like a fool, you've been doing your best in a situation where the set norms of your culture and the country you live in clash and you've been too overwhelmed to be able to sort through it. All totally normal.

Hopefully the great answers and reinforcement you've had will help you get on the path to sorting it and the easier things get overall the more you'll feel able to think rationally. Cut yourself some slack 💐

I don't think it has anything to do with how much,or how little, you have.
Part of child rearing is preparing them for the real world.

Of course they should contribute to household expenses. When the time comes for them to leave home, it won't be such a shock for them to realise that nothing comes for free.

You sound depressed with it all, I would be too. Time for some tough talking with them. Ask them to consider what would happen if you DID walk out and leave them to it (I'm not saying you would) or got so Ill that you had to give up work?

I'm sure they'll come round to your way of thinking.
Good luck!

Honestly OP getting tougher with them is the right thing to do, not just for you but also for them.

If they carry on with no financial or other responsibilities then it is going to be a huge shock to them when they do finally move out. They may not have developed any budgeting skills or self care skills.

Your DC with social anxiety would benefit hugely from having a small part time job now before she needs to work full time. It would really help her get over her fear.

I agree with PP that (hopefully) your kids would be shocked if they realise you have gone without meals for them. Tell them, show them the incomings and outgoings. It’s helpful to teach them these facts for their own future.

Off course they should contribute. The DC with two jobs should be paying market rate for a houseshare so maybe £450 to £600 depending on where you live and buying their own food. The DC who only works part time needs to start working full time and do the same. The one at uni needs to be paying for all their own food and essentials but not pay rent until September.
If you were a two income household with a desposable income it would be different, but your adult children are taking the piss. You might find that once they have to pay they will move out.
Have you ever asked them to pay rent, it does sound like it is not just cash that’s a problem, rather more like you are sick of having adult children, living like actual children at home.

I have just read your updates. Go hard on them, they really are taking the piss-my parents would have laughed in face if I had asked them for the Disney channel. That and new mattresses, they should be buying you treats.

Have you ever just asked them to contribute? Teenagers' and young adults' brains don't think like you or I would. They will never have considered how much it costs to run a home. Just explain it to them, rather than ranting on here.

OP haven't you lost loads of your income though now you have working adults in the home? Surely you need that back from them?