I wanted to NC for this but don't know how to. And I fear I'm not going to like some of the answers.....but I'm allowing myself to become quite depressed about this and need your help This may well be a long post, sorry! Please don't read if it will bore you. I am in the UK.
My daughter, now aged 30, has lived in the USA since 2012. She had previously spent 3 summers working in summer camps there whilst at uni here. She met and fell in love with a fellow camp worker, an American, and went to his university in mid-west USA to further her studies after graduating here - in 2012.
We got used to making trips there, interspersed with her trips home. We've obviously got to know (I'll call him Fred), very well, and get on with his parents.
They got married in the USA in 2019. I was privately hurt, but I knew it made sense for them as that's where their home is. But the guests consisted mainly of Fred's parents' family and friends, and friends of the couple, as only a few of our family and friends were able/willing to make the trip from the UK.
That hurt too, but I wasn't expecting anyone from here to attend at all, so I was thrilled when they could. And right from when the wedding date was announced, I was determined not to be a Mumzilla, so interfered with nothing, and helped with what my daughter wanted me to.
My daughter landed her first permanent job in academia this summer, after a couple of time-limited research posts. (I don't want to be too specific in case it's "outing"). She is very career-focussed and has worked extremely hard.
She chose it because it is at a good university, and it is on the east coast, meaning less of a time distance, and a direct flight. She and Fred moved there this summer
She knows I miss her terribly and wish we were in the same place, but also knows that I'm proud of her, and think it's so important to do work that you love, if you can.
I coped with her being there reasonably well, but with many wobbles, until this summer. The job itself has lent an air of permanence to everything, whereas before I think I was in denial and hoped she may come back.
What has really hit me so hard 'though, is that they are now living around a one and a half hour drive away from Fred's parents. I just can't get past this, and am ashamed to be consumed with jealousy.
They are good people, very family-orientated, but quite overpowering.
Fred's mum has already referred to my daughter as her daughter, and told her she loves her, on Facebook. But, they are quite openly and verbally affectionate in general, and tell DH and I they love us too!
So I try to accept that's how they are.
Fred has quite a large extended family, whereas my only family are my DH, DS, and DD. DH has siblings but they are not close at all and meet up rarely.
Already Fred's parents have seen Fred and my daughter around half a dozen times since the move. They mind the dog when the couple are away. Now that UK-USA travel is open again, we'll be able to visit. DD and Fred came here for 3 weeks in the summer, and will be here for Christmas.
My DD and I had, and have, a close, loving, relationship. We did so much together when she was a child/teen. She can tell me anything, and I can tell her how I feel, whilst assuring her it's for me to own and deal with, not her. She is aware of her in-laws' propensity to possessiveness and assures me they won't replace me and DH!
Because my own family of origin was lonely and unhappy, I invested heavily in my own children to ensure their childhood was different. I was very aware of being in danger of wanting them to meet my emotional needs, and be my antidote to loneliness, so I've deliberately encouraged them to be their own people and be adventurous.
I've read so much stuff regarding the "empty nest syndrome", and regarding people who are in similar situations, in places like Gransnet and the like, to try to help myself.
I know all the theory. We give them wings to fly. Let them go. They have their own lives, etc, etc.
But theory does not ease my feelings of bereavement.
I am trying to turn a skill into a career. I have started a new exercise regime. I keep in touch with friends. I'm learning a new sport. We Facetime, WhatsApp, etc. I'm trying so hard to forge my own life. I've been having counselling since August because I couldn't sort this out myself. I don't have any other family. I don't want to be this jealous person who could easily become bitter.
I swing between catastrophising - "DD will become closer to Fred's family to us and I'll lose her", and fantasising - "We'll go and live there and be together all the time". Please don't accuse me of being childish - I already know that I am and need to grow up.
I'm embarrassed to think I've opened myself up far too much by posting all this. But I would just love some thoughts as to what else I can do to make things better for myself.
DH and I have talked about spending more time there, maybe even moving there eventually. But not to cling to her, but to have our own life and interests too.
We have a DS aged 33 who has come back to live with us due to a health issue, so we are unable to make any moves now anyway.
I'd be grateful not to be told to "get a grip" or similar. That's what I've been trying to do.
I just feel so lost and don't know which way to turn.
I need to thank you in advance for getting to the end 
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Daughter living in USA.
LindyLou2020 · 08/11/2021 13:35
Oh op I don't think you're bring childish at all! You sound like a wonderful mum and I think you're feelings are completely natural.
What's key here is that you're not letting them rule your behaviour.
I find think it would any harm to seriously consider moving there when you're able to; but also consider what this will mean for you and your son. Are you going to start feeling the same way about him?
I wonder how much worse it's been for you with the travel restrictions of the last couple of years and maybe you just need a good trip - when did you last visit her?
I'd also try and be specific about the things you feel like you're missing out on with her and whether you can find a way round them with how you both communicate now (video calls etc).
Or are you feeling like you can't be a mum to her in the active sense? How might you be able to change this and feel more involved?
@verymiddleaged @Classicblunder @TaraR2020 @Nesbo @mathanxiety..........
Thank you so much for your replies. You've given me different perspectives which was what I was hoping for.
Yes, my DS is a big consideration in all of this - sorry if it seemed otherwise. He has a GF, and he is trying to learn to live with his health issue, get back into work, and buy a house. So things may be very different for him next year, and he could well be living away from here as his GF does not want to leave London. So we could be waiting to make sure he is ok, then he pisses off anyway!
I've always likes the idea of having our own holiday home in the USA - but not affordable atm. And spending longer stretches there, like 3 months or so, also appeals.
I hear you, @mathanxiety, about American demonstrativeness. But the MIL also once said that when the couple have kids, PILs will move in, or nearby, and "do the childcare". That was so insensitive and bloody well hurt, but my daughter has no intention of allowing that. And I need to start to let all that stuff wash over me and be more thick-skinned.
I do not WANT to be possessive or jealous. This was a big reason as to why I asked for help on here.
So, thanks again guys - you've given me much food for thought
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