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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Daughter living in USA.

88 replies

LindyLou2020 · 08/11/2021 13:35

I wanted to NC for this but don't know how to. And I fear I'm not going to like some of the answers.....but I'm allowing myself to become quite depressed about this and need your help This may well be a long post, sorry! Please don't read if it will bore you. I am in the UK.
My daughter, now aged 30, has lived in the USA since 2012. She had previously spent 3 summers working in summer camps there whilst at uni here. She met and fell in love with a fellow camp worker, an American, and went to his university in mid-west USA to further her studies after graduating here - in 2012.
We got used to making trips there, interspersed with her trips home. We've obviously got to know (I'll call him Fred), very well, and get on with his parents.
They got married in the USA in 2019. I was privately hurt, but I knew it made sense for them as that's where their home is. But the guests consisted mainly of Fred's parents' family and friends, and friends of the couple, as only a few of our family and friends were able/willing to make the trip from the UK.
That hurt too, but I wasn't expecting anyone from here to attend at all, so I was thrilled when they could. And right from when the wedding date was announced, I was determined not to be a Mumzilla, so interfered with nothing, and helped with what my daughter wanted me to.
My daughter landed her first permanent job in academia this summer, after a couple of time-limited research posts. (I don't want to be too specific in case it's "outing"). She is very career-focussed and has worked extremely hard.
She chose it because it is at a good university, and it is on the east coast, meaning less of a time distance, and a direct flight. She and Fred moved there this summer
She knows I miss her terribly and wish we were in the same place, but also knows that I'm proud of her, and think it's so important to do work that you love, if you can.
I coped with her being there reasonably well, but with many wobbles, until this summer. The job itself has lent an air of permanence to everything, whereas before I think I was in denial and hoped she may come back.
What has really hit me so hard 'though, is that they are now living around a one and a half hour drive away from Fred's parents. I just can't get past this, and am ashamed to be consumed with jealousy.
They are good people, very family-orientated, but quite overpowering.
Fred's mum has already referred to my daughter as her daughter, and told her she loves her, on Facebook. But, they are quite openly and verbally affectionate in general, and tell DH and I they love us too!
So I try to accept that's how they are.
Fred has quite a large extended family, whereas my only family are my DH, DS, and DD. DH has siblings but they are not close at all and meet up rarely.
Already Fred's parents have seen Fred and my daughter around half a dozen times since the move. They mind the dog when the couple are away. Now that UK-USA travel is open again, we'll be able to visit. DD and Fred came here for 3 weeks in the summer, and will be here for Christmas.
My DD and I had, and have, a close, loving, relationship. We did so much together when she was a child/teen. She can tell me anything, and I can tell her how I feel, whilst assuring her it's for me to own and deal with, not her. She is aware of her in-laws' propensity to possessiveness and assures me they won't replace me and DH!
Because my own family of origin was lonely and unhappy, I invested heavily in my own children to ensure their childhood was different. I was very aware of being in danger of wanting them to meet my emotional needs, and be my antidote to loneliness, so I've deliberately encouraged them to be their own people and be adventurous.
I've read so much stuff regarding the "empty nest syndrome", and regarding people who are in similar situations, in places like Gransnet and the like, to try to help myself.
I know all the theory. We give them wings to fly. Let them go. They have their own lives, etc, etc.
But theory does not ease my feelings of bereavement.
I am trying to turn a skill into a career. I have started a new exercise regime. I keep in touch with friends. I'm learning a new sport. We Facetime, WhatsApp, etc. I'm trying so hard to forge my own life. I've been having counselling since August because I couldn't sort this out myself. I don't have any other family. I don't want to be this jealous person who could easily become bitter.
I swing between catastrophising - "DD will become closer to Fred's family to us and I'll lose her", and fantasising - "We'll go and live there and be together all the time". Please don't accuse me of being childish - I already know that I am and need to grow up.
I'm embarrassed to think I've opened myself up far too much by posting all this. But I would just love some thoughts as to what else I can do to make things better for myself.
DH and I have talked about spending more time there, maybe even moving there eventually. But not to cling to her, but to have our own life and interests too.
We have a DS aged 33 who has come back to live with us due to a health issue, so we are unable to make any moves now anyway.
I'd be grateful not to be told to "get a grip" or similar. That's what I've been trying to do.
I just feel so lost and don't know which way to turn.
I need to thank you in advance for getting to the end Flowers

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 08/11/2021 18:57

What @mathanxiety said.

Don't uproot yourself at your age, @LindyLou2020. It's a very different culture, and you might find it difficult to forge a new life in the US, and you would not want to focus solely on your daughter and her family, would you. And there is your son, and his possible future family to consider.

Also, how would you fund your healthcare? Even with the ACA it is still very expensive. You need to have worked for 10 years before you can qualify for Medicare (which is still expensive - most Brits have no idea...). Also, your son would have no realistic way of immigrating, unless he can secure a work based visa (which are extremely difficult to get).

Because my own family of origin was lonely and unhappy, I invested heavily in my own children to ensure their childhood was different.

I know exactly what you mean. And here I am, with all three of my children strewn across the globe. It is hard, very hard, especially when grandchildren come along and you know that the other grandparents have a close relationship with them. Whereas you will be lucky to see them once or twice a year.

But it is what it is, and these kinds of family situations will become more prevalent in the future as we become more mobile and more global. All I can urge you to do is to continue your counselling and try and live the best life you can. Easier if you nourish friendships and can find interests that give you joy. And visit as often as you can Flowers

jackiebenimble · 08/11/2021 19:04

As the daughter of a
Mother who has held on too tightly i applaud
You for creating this girl who found her wings. She appreciates this now but will appreciate this even more so when she has her own children and feels the love that you
Feel for her. And she will be amazed by how your put your own needs second.

I therefore fought to be independent young and when i got my lovely inlaws was insulted when they wanted to know where i was going when i went out! As an adult! So, she can love them wholeheartedly but think yee gods am glad they arent my parents x

Its ok to have a wobble about it. Noone can be brave all the time. And you are aware of it and dealing with it. Again role modelling brilliantly x

Muttly · 08/11/2021 19:08

What really struck me about your post OP was how you are berating and shaming yourself for having perfectly normal emotions and thoughts about coming to terms with your child moving half way around the world. This is a big deal and it is finally coming to a place where you have to fully confront it. You sound like a fab emotional available mother to your daughter and I think you need to start giving yourself a little bit of that understanding too. This is hard, you are just starting to fully accept this and that will take time. What is incredibly impressive though is how you have already started to do all of the right things to put in place a positive future for yourself. While you don’t feel that way now, why would you through this “bereavement” of sorts, it will all stand to you as you move through the worst part. Xx

LindyLou2020 · 08/11/2021 19:10

@Classicblunder
Ah, that's bad. I could never do that. We've been our son's carers, almost, for 18 months. Lots of TLC without turning him into a "mummy's boy", so he can't fail to know he's loved!

OP posts:
LindyLou2020 · 08/11/2021 19:19

@FlowerArranger

What *@mathanxiety* said.

Don't uproot yourself at your age, @LindyLou2020. It's a very different culture, and you might find it difficult to forge a new life in the US, and you would not want to focus solely on your daughter and her family, would you. And there is your son, and his possible future family to consider.

Also, how would you fund your healthcare? Even with the ACA it is still very expensive. You need to have worked for 10 years before you can qualify for Medicare (which is still expensive - most Brits have no idea...). Also, your son would have no realistic way of immigrating, unless he can secure a work based visa (which are extremely difficult to get).

Because my own family of origin was lonely and unhappy, I invested heavily in my own children to ensure their childhood was different.

I know exactly what you mean. And here I am, with all three of my children strewn across the globe. It is hard, very hard, especially when grandchildren come along and you know that the other grandparents have a close relationship with them. Whereas you will be lucky to see them once or twice a year.

But it is what it is, and these kinds of family situations will become more prevalent in the future as we become more mobile and more global. All I can urge you to do is to continue your counselling and try and live the best life you can. Easier if you nourish friendships and can find interests that give you joy. And visit as often as you can Flowers

Yes @FlowerArranger, Wanting to go and being legally and financially able to are very different things. I have become fairly au fait with the culture, and there are of course good and crappy aspects of it like anywhere else. Still lots to learn. I would love to travel and see more of the USA, so wouldn't want to be with DD all the time at all. The health care issue is a big one which I haven't looked into in any great detail, but could easily be a prohibitive factor against living there full time.
OP posts:
MrsMariaReynolds · 08/11/2021 19:47

Kudos to you, Op for at least trying to stay engaged with your daughter. I am American-born and relocated 11 years ago with (also American) DH and our (then) toddler son for what we thought would be a couple of years, tops. Needless to say, we're still here.
But instead of your proactive measures of visiting your child in America, my own mother has taken it upon herself to mourn my absence, and seek out pity from anyone who will listen about how she's "all alone" and will never have her daughter back ever again, like some reverse Ellis Island emigree.

It is exhausting and off-putting to put it mildly, and there isn't a day that goes by where she doesn't try to make me feel guilty for leaving. It is sad, because she could have had a lovely life of yearly visits to the UK to spend time with her daughter and only grandson, who is now 13 and barely knows her...

LindyLou2020 · 08/11/2021 20:07

@MrsMariaReynolds

Kudos to you, Op for at least trying to stay engaged with your daughter. I am American-born and relocated 11 years ago with (also American) DH and our (then) toddler son for what we thought would be a couple of years, tops. Needless to say, we're still here. But instead of your proactive measures of visiting your child in America, my own mother has taken it upon herself to mourn my absence, and seek out pity from anyone who will listen about how she's "all alone" and will never have her daughter back ever again, like some reverse Ellis Island emigree.

It is exhausting and off-putting to put it mildly, and there isn't a day that goes by where she doesn't try to make me feel guilty for leaving. It is sad, because she could have had a lovely life of yearly visits to the UK to spend time with her daughter and only grandson, who is now 13 and barely knows her...

@MrsMariaReynolds,

I could have EASILY been like your mother, and still could be if I don't have a word with myself.
When I have that kind of rant, and believe me in the last few months I have, I reserve it for my DH, not my kids.
So I'm no saint, but I know now that that kind of attitude is not actually going to help my DD or me.

OP posts:
LindyLou2020 · 08/11/2021 20:17

@jackiebenimble @Muttly
Thank you.
What I would also add is that if it weren't for our son, there is nothing really tying us to where we live. As I've said, I have no other family, and my DH's siblings are not that nice to each other and rarely see each other. We made huge efforts when we moved here, but nobody else did, so we stopped. We are not tied to jobs.
So by spending more time in the USA we would not be giving up much at all.

OP posts:
Newmum29 · 08/11/2021 20:22

I’m going to give you perspective from your daughters POV. I moved to Australia 5 years ago for 2 years tops. I ended up meeting, marrying and having a daughter and buying a house with an Australian.

My mother sadly died when I was 21. I’m not sure I could’ve moved otherwise. My brother and sister live within an hour of my dad who has been out to visit once. I went home every year pre covid.

My dad is so supportive, but I feel guilty every day. My in laws live 5 mins away and look after our daughter 3 days a week, I try and be as sensitive as I can but my dad knows he will never be replaced.

It’s torturous and my sister is probably the worst at hiding how much she wants us to move home but I’ve made a life here.

LindyLou2020 · 08/11/2021 20:23

@mathanxiety......
I've just re-read this thread, and only just spotted that you moved from Ireland to the USA.
Yet you tell me not to move there.
May I ask you why you say that, and.....are you still there?

OP posts:
LindyLou2020 · 08/11/2021 20:30

@Newmum29

I’m going to give you perspective from your daughters POV. I moved to Australia 5 years ago for 2 years tops. I ended up meeting, marrying and having a daughter and buying a house with an Australian.

My mother sadly died when I was 21. I’m not sure I could’ve moved otherwise. My brother and sister live within an hour of my dad who has been out to visit once. I went home every year pre covid.

My dad is so supportive, but I feel guilty every day. My in laws live 5 mins away and look after our daughter 3 days a week, I try and be as sensitive as I can but my dad knows he will never be replaced.

It’s torturous and my sister is probably the worst at hiding how much she wants us to move home but I’ve made a life here.

@Newmum29

The thought of my DD's in-laws providing the care for any GCs makes me almost sick with dread and heartache.
Even 'though I know that may never happen, and that it would be none of my business.
So I'm not as brave as some PP's think I am!

OP posts:
Newmum29 · 08/11/2021 20:37

I’m really confused by this? I think my dad feels relieved I have help and his granddaughter is with family rather then in nursery when she’s so little.

Why would it bother you so much. They’re not competing with you.. I do find this is a common issue. My sister in law lives near her in laws and it’s caused so many problems. Her in laws do childcare for their baby and her parents look after ours yet there’s always unspoken tension.

I know you know this but his parents will not replace you and they won’t be more important to your grandchild than you, maybe just more familiar. My godmum is from New Zealand. I barely saw her growing up as she lived in Paris New York and Sydney. We’re incredibly close despite this as adults and she’s one of my favourite people.

iamthepassenger · 08/11/2021 21:17

Hi @LindyLou2020 I haven't read all the comments but just reading your original post I didn't want to read and run and I wanted to echo some of the comments here that I have read. I am also the DD in your story though some details are different. I live across and ocean from my DPs but a short journey from my in-laws. I wish more than anything that my mum could come over on a whim and have a cuppa with me or watch the children if I'm late home from work, etc. We absolutely miss out on those things, and that can be hard. And covid has really really sucked. Like another poster said, though, there are some very nice upsides to my situation. My children (non covid times) get lovely long summer holidays abroad where they are with my DPs days on end and when my DPs visitusually for 3-4 weeks (we time it for when DH has trips abroad, though he us wonderfully supportive of any time my DPs spend with us)they again get to become part of the fabric of our lives in a way that my in-laws, who we see once a month or so, don't. With my in-laws, they will stay for a weekend here or there and definitely get to see my DH and children more frequently, but they don't get those long, lazy days of summer or the weeks of becoming part of our routine. My children love both sets of grandparents very much, and it has not made a difference whether they have lived close or not. My mum has struggled with a lot of the same feelings you have. I have many siblings and none of us live in the same country as she does (we've moved around a lot) and she doesn't have that easy, stop by whenever relationship with any of us. There are Christmases when my DPs spend theirs alone while all of us go see in-laws. And my mum has abandonment issues as well which make this situation tough. That said, like you she is honest about her feelings and brave about them and is working through them, and we try to see the silver linings in our situation: really good, focused time when we see each other and we're unlikely to take each other for granted which I think can happen when your mum is on your doorstep. My mum gets jealous of my MIL who is lovely and seems to do everything perfectly and who livens up any room she's ingenerally she makes a good showbut it's so overwhelming for me and as lovely as she is I find it hard to have her over for more than a few days at a time. She'll never replace my mother, who just gets me and supports me the ways I need, though my MIL does try and helps out in other ways. I've rambled quite a bit but I hope you hear what I'm saying. I think it's very natural to be jealous of your daughter's relationship with the in-laws when they're close to her while you're miles away, but try not to focus on that as there's not much you can do about it. And try to be glad her in-laws are kind and lovely and will hopefully help out if/when she has kids. No one will ever replace you!

LindyLou2020 · 08/11/2021 21:20

@Newmum29

I’m really confused by this? I think my dad feels relieved I have help and his granddaughter is with family rather then in nursery when she’s so little.

Why would it bother you so much. They’re not competing with you.. I do find this is a common issue. My sister in law lives near her in laws and it’s caused so many problems. Her in laws do childcare for their baby and her parents look after ours yet there’s always unspoken tension.

I know you know this but his parents will not replace you and they won’t be more important to your grandchild than you, maybe just more familiar. My godmum is from New Zealand. I barely saw her growing up as she lived in Paris New York and Sydney. We’re incredibly close despite this as adults and she’s one of my favourite people.

@Newmum29 My post was not based at all on your situation. I'm truly glad you and your Dad are happy with the arrangement, honestly. My DH would not feel as upset as me if DD's in-laws provided child care. Maybe I'm feeling it more deeply as a mother, not a father - I don't know. Unfortunately the PILs do try to take over and interfere in my DD's and Fred's life sometimes. And it's my feelings of jealousy and fear of displacement that I realised I needed to get help with.
OP posts:
LindyLou2020 · 08/11/2021 21:26

@iamthepassenger
I am going to read your post again and again tomorrow.
But it has helped me so much - thank you.

OP posts:
microbius · 08/11/2021 21:30

I just wanted to say that it is really really hard to get a permanent post in academia and people move for posts all over the world. Couples might be forced to live apart from each other and it is also very common to travel hours for an academic job. Well done to your daughter!

I am also an academic, my children have not left home yet, and I have an over-loving and over-invested mother who I live very far from. Obviously I don't know your situation and I am much younger than you but I found your post stifling as I found it v.v.hard to provide the meaning of life for my mother. No one should have this burden.

I am sorry but I don't think we raise children so they can provide emotional satisfaction to us for ever. Over years I found that it is not even me that matter to my mom, but the presence of my body. She might not know me very well, but she just wants me near. Like I am an object. It is obviously v.difficult to cover everything in a post, and we have a long history and I appreciate your life has not been identical to mine, but looking at my mom down some decades from where you are now, you need to build a separate life for yourself. Take anti-depressants. Do sport. Actively try to find interests in life that are not based on your children.

LindyLou2020 · 08/11/2021 21:58

@microbius
Firstly, you've reminded me how hard my daughter has worked to get the job she has. It's something easy for me to lose sight of because I haven't trodden that path. So thank you.
But I have made it clear in all my posts, not just my first one, (it is obvious that you haven't RTFT?), that I am trying hard NOT to be an over-invested, possessive, jealous mother who sees her kids not as people in their own right, but existing to meet my needs.
I have said that I'm well aware I could easily fall into the trap of feeling and behaving like that, and that I own my feelings and am trying to do something about them.
I've also stated I am trying to forge a life of my own.
Maybe you were trying to help, but of all the PPs on this thread, yours is unfortunately the only one I have found somewhat offensive.
But thanks for posting anyway.

OP posts:
maofteens · 08/11/2021 22:04

I moved abroad at 21 and lived 3500 miles away from my family, and my mother who I was very close to. But this is the way of the world - my own mother moved to Asia in her 20s (this would have been in the 1940s) from her home in Ireland.
Your daughter seems to have a great life - good marriage, good job, and gets on very well with her in laws. Sounds wonderful. You have to let her live her life.

Luredbyapomegranate · 08/11/2021 22:06

Don’t be too hard on yourself, it is natural to be sad - and you seem well aware you are having a strong reaction

Therapy sounds important - as you say, this is about unhappiness from your childhood as much as your current situation. Your life has much potential for joy, you don’t want to let the past strangle it.

I also think some CBT would be useful. Not as a substitute for the deeper therapy but to manage obsessive thoughts and catastrophisation, both of which you are falling into.

Remember distance is not what it was. You daughter can come here for a few weeks, you can go over for a few months. In between there is FaceTime. You both seem to have the money for travel?? If so - practice a bit of gratitude.

It’s hard not to find MIL a bit much - but focus on carving out your role as fun granny who comes to visit and for lots of fun. Your gkids may well end up preferring that, not that it’s a competition.

Practice a bit of gratitude for your life in general - it sounds pretty good.

Work at building up your life as you are doing, be patient - it’s going yo take a couple years.

If you are seriously c moving, rent for a year to try it out - you might hate it, and also academics sometimes have to move a lot, are you going to follow her around for 25 years..?

Your self awareness is great, but keep working on detaching a bit - you and your daughter are adults with your own lives. You might be able to say anything to her now - but once she has kids, and is trying to run a career, it’s not fair to place too much emotional burden on her.

One last time - practice gratitude..

microbius · 08/11/2021 22:15

@LindyLou2020 I am sorry I didn't mean to offend you; I was speaking from the pain of my own relationship with my own mother. It wasn't the best formulated post.

I think the best thing one can do for their children is be happy (if it's possible). Being far doesn't mean much; as others said you can spend more amazing time together in more intense stretches than small drips of being near. If you are both happy and fulfilled you can give each other more in a relationship mother-daughter. There are many many opposite accounts, where there is closeness because there is dependency (in any direction) and these often show their ugly heads at some point

microbius · 08/11/2021 22:17

again, I don't mean this is your case and I might as well regard this whole issue differently once my own daughter is grown up. At the moment I am only looking from a daughter's perspective and a very specific family history

LindyLou2020 · 08/11/2021 22:22

Thanks everyone.
I'm going to have a very early night now, and will reply to these recent PPs tomorrow Flowers

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 08/11/2021 22:35

What you're feeling is absolutely natural but in some ways the distance doesn't matter. It could easily be the same if she lived 20 miles away with the in-laws close by. Some in-laws just take the piss.

To give another perspective, my grandparents lived in Ireland so we only ever saw them in the summer holiday. However we went for the six weeks every year and loved it! My English gran lived around the corner and we saw her a lot but I can honestly say I loved them equally, they were both brilliant women.

I also have the opposite situation - my lovely daughter in law comes from South America and I am very conscious that I'm not her mum even though I love her very much. I'm aware that her family miss her terribly especially as she hasn't been home for two years. I'm so pleased for her and my son that they are going there for Christmas and for many Christmases to come - I'm happy for them. Her mum is lovely and I would never disrespect her by trying to take over and call my DiL my DD! It's hard enough!
Now the borders are open get over there and enjoy every minute!!

verymiddleaged · 08/11/2021 22:37

Reading back through OP I just wanted to add don't read too much into them offering early childcare it is super expensive in the USA and families often help out with childcare.

mathanxiety · 09/11/2021 06:21

I've just re-read this thread, and only just spotted that you moved from Ireland to the USA.
Yet you tell me not to move there.
May I ask you why you say that, and.....are you still there?

@LindyLou2020
I moved when I was 23, back in 1988. I was young enough, as your daughter is young enough, to have time to settle in and get to know people, establish an adult life here. Sadly, my marriage to an American didn't last, but my children are American and their lives and friends and jobs are here. I'm 57 and have spent more than half my life here. I have seen my children's American childhoods and their passage through high school and on to university. I have lived all of that with them, learning on the hop. It's not like watching it all in a movie.

Even when talking to my children about Ireland, I have to fill in background information - Dublin is the capital, it's on the east coast, there are about a million people living there, there's a decent public transport system, people go on holidays ("holidays means vacation") to Spain and the Mediterranean region because Irish weather is damp and chilly, the education system is very exam oriented... there's so much they don't know they don't know.

You're like my children. There's so much you don't know you don't know about America.

I'm going to assume you are a lot older now than I was in 1988. Your entire life has taken place in the UK. You are not familiar with the old TV shows, jokes, songs, sports and other points of reference you would run into again and again in conversation as you tried to establish some common ground with people you met. You would have to try to connect with other people in the US all the same, and establish a life of your own independent of your daughter. You cannot just graft yourself onto the life she is creating for herself here. That would isolate you completely, which would be unfair to her and her husband. They're not responsible for you.

All the cultural capital you have now as a British person living in the UK would be completely useless to you in America. If you moved you would be starting again from scratch in early middle age with decades of catching up to do. It would be like burying your previous self and trying to become a new person, an American version of you, or a British expat version of you. Neither version would be fully You.

When chatting, people wold tell you how much they loved your quaint accent - you would be intensely conscious of it, and at the same time conscious deep down of how much of a gulf there was between you and the people you were trying to connect with. You've already noted the effusiveness of your daughter's in laws and how different that is from your life experiences. There's a lot more difference than just that between Americans and British.

I have friends who are Russian, a married couple who had professional careers in Soviet times and moved to the US in the mid 1990s. The husband got a job in IT, learned pretty good English, and tried his utmost to integrate, but there are elements of American life that completely baffled him and continue to be completely impenetrable. One big one is the sense of humour, which he doesn't understand at all, but there are thousands and thousands of small ones, little nuances of how people communicate with facial expressions, use - or non-use - of the eyes. The wife couldn't/ wouldn't make progress with English despite a previous career in academia.

It wasn't lack of brains that held her back; the culture shock was too much for her, and as she told me one day (in German, which I speak a little), she had to keep part of her Self completely intact or she would have felt completely lost in a spiritual, emotional, and psychological sense. So her world contracted significantly. They both live for their grandchildren, which is how Russian grandparents tend to be, regardless of where they live, but for the wife, family life (and a passion for cats) is all her life is. She misses Russia terribly. But she knows that she can't go back, because life moves on there too, and the Russia she knew doesn't exist any more. Someone else holds the position she had. Someone else lives in the house they lived in, grows vegetables in the garden they once tended. They go to a Ukrainian evangelical church once a month or so despite being atheists just so that they can enjoy the company of people who 'get' them.

You would feel completely detached from your own life, a stranger to yourself as much as a stranger to others, and painfully conscious of being completely foreign, if you moved. You can't bring your life, your full Self with you when you move to another land and into another culture in middle age or beyond. A huge amount of what makes you You would have to be jettisoned, or at least put into cold storage indefinitely.

To consider a move to America now is to contemplate a self-inflicted existential crisis.

I really, really urge you to read and re-read @Luredbyapomegranate's great post.