Adult children overstepping boundaries

[Cadanita1]

I have 4 adult children. I'm in the middle of a traumatic, coercive divorce and now I find my adult children are trying to call the shots.

1. My stbx is trying to defraud me during FDR therefore leading me to financial hardship. I have been accused by them of only interested in suing their dad.....not true.....its a standard part of divorce process and he's the one causing problems. I want done with it and want to move on with my life.
2. I've been landed with 2 large dogs who systematically destroyed skirting boards and wallpaper in my house when they were puppies. Which I plan to fully rectify once the above is completed.
3. When my middle daughter brought home 1 of her dogs, my eldest called and told me to get rid of the dog, it's it or us, she demanded.
4. I spoke to the middle daughter who brought home the dog and asked her rehome it because of the threats. My middle daughter (who is at uni and seldom home) then said, if you rehome my dog you will never see me again.
5. I feed and care for these dogs out of my own pocket.
6. I have 2 burst pipes in my house due to faulty copper piping, insurance won't cover it because they say its historic damage. I have stopped the leaks but had to partially lift my laminate flooring.
7. I was supposed to be looking after my 7 seven month old grandson in my home this week but my adult children descended on me to say that because of state of house, caused by dogs and failed plumbing it is an unsafe place for my grandson. Obviously my grandson would not be in area of the house where there is an issue.

Things got very irate, seemingly I won't do as I'm told or I'm not taking their demands on board. They want me to banish or get rid of the dogs. They want me to build an outside pen and keep them their. Can I just say at this point the dogs very beautiful and very kind, a retriever and a newfi who is gentle giant. I now live alone and they have become my companions. I seldom see my children and my grandson unless I go to their houses, I don't drive and am often out considerable expense by visiting them, last Wednesday was the first time in a year they were in my house.
So now I'm being emotionally blackmailed, do as they say or I lose my family and the other hand rehome my dogs and you will see me again.
Part of my financial difficulty is that I took out Samsung tablets for each of them and their partners Christmas 2018 at that time I believed my Final FDR hearing was insight and I could have easily covered the costs but my husband massaged the business accounts to make it appear that the business was worthless. The contracts are coming to and end soon.

I'm trapped, I'm inpoverished, I get no help and they turn up or send messages demanding that I bend to their will or I will lose my family forever.

They know the stress and depression all this is causing me.

To be honest, I got lost half way through trying to work out who owns the dogs, what half the things you are talking about have to do with other things, and couldn't unravel it. What I think I did get from all this is that your adult children seem to dictate your life, and think it's ok to dump their collective dogs and children on you, and that has to be on their terms. You seem to be getting little from this set of relationships. So I'd simply tell that that you will be doing what makes you happy, and if they don't like it they can take a hike, along with whatever dogs and children they possess.

I actually think looking after a 7 month old in a house that isn't set up for him- highchairs, cot etc is really hard. Add in some rooms being unsuitable because of the floor and dogs, it is actually quite a big ask.

Do you think you've become hypersensitive to what they say, and see threats and criticism where none is intended?

Could you reply saying you'd love some help sorting the floor out- money is really tight and it's a struggle?

I only wonder that because my mum is in a tricky situation. Her life is very complicated and she's not very happy. When I try and help, she always gets me to do things that won't change her situation at all. Don't get me wrong, it's hard work and time consuming, but never addresses the underlying situation. Imagine, say, asking me to vacuum the kitchen when she's about to bake. Lots of busy work that means nothing ever gets any easier.

I'm sorry, this is a bizarrely muddled post!

Sorry I pressed too soon. I hope you get the answers you need, it sounds you need to need to take some out for yourself and maybe your thoughts will become clearer.

Put yourself first op. Do you want to keep the ddogs? In your shoes they sound preferable to your dc at this time.
Take a step back - they are siding with exh likely he has promised £££ post divorce so they appear on his side to use against you. Do not allow dgs to be used as a a pawn.. My ds tried this and I backed away and they lost free child care.
Be kind to yourself and get your home sorted to your spec...
They aren't living in your shoes so don't allow them any judgements..

So you have a coercive x and your kids are following in his footsteps. Cancel their tablets (I take it you’re paying a contract). Tell them you won’t be blackmailed.(they will be shitting themselves about the free childcare).

So

1. Decide if you want to keep the dogs, and it sounds like you do, so tell the kids they are staying. It’s them up to them to decide if they wish to visit
2. Stop paying the contract for the tablets. If they want them they can now pay. When they question it tell them their father is being difficult and you have no money
3. Talk to your solicitor about pushing for the financial settlement. In the meantime is there an interest free freight card you could apply for to fund the repairs
4. Tell your children you are fed up of being bullied by them, you left their father for that reason.

5 they can make other arrangements for the care of their child

Then just get on with your life, leave it to them to approach you in the future

Your children are adults and copying your ex's behaviour with the emotional blackmail. The only bit that sounds right is that your house doesn't sound good for looking after your grandchild.

Cancel the tablet contracts - they are adults and can self fund their own gadgets.

The dogs are yours or your DD's? (This bit was hard to understand) If you enjoy living with them then don't rehome them. They are the only ones not putting pressure on you and being so selfish. Your children shouldn't be telling you what to do. They can have an opinion on what they'd like you to do but it's your house and you don't need more coercive control in your life.

Fix the floor and skirting (obviously)

Cancel all financing of anything for your dc op. Cfers indeed imo.

There’s an awful lot of ultimatums being issued, it sounds like everyone’s getting a bit carried away. I’d try and prioritise things a bit if you can, what are the main things you need to achieve. Be honest with your kids, tell them what’s possible.

I’d explain that you can’t continue to pay for their tablets as you have different priorities. It sounds like your ex has done a number on you though.

Hope you can work something out and all try and support each other.

Tell them you choose the dogs and put the phone down. Breathe and focus on sorting out the issues with the house, focus on getting what is needed from the agreement with ex and they will come back eventually

Kids - even adult kids will want to try and control the situation as they don't like it.

Oh and stop paying for anything for them

Sorry. I was trying to be chronological. The dogs belong to my middle daughter. She went to uni last October she got the newfi for her 18th and her boyfriend bought her the other pup.

They know the financial hardship I'm under and they know the stress I am under re..divorce etc... The dogs don't get into bedrooms, kitchen or living room.

I was going to kit out the house for my grandson and the first thing on the list of repairs were going to be the skirtings and flooring when the divorce is completed.

Do you want the dogs?

I love them now lol

the truth is the dogs have been there day and night for the last 3 years

I honestly can’t tell whether your children are domineering arseholes or you are a chaotic nightmare. Would love to hear their side too.

Ok, so is the problem that you have two dogs and you are living in chaos and your children want you to get things into a state of repair but you are broke?

And you are going through a messy divorce

And they don’t want you to look after your grandson because of the chaos?

Can you deal with the living situation first? Getting rid of things is always a good first step.

Who gets an 18 year old whose about to go to uni 1 dog, let alone 2?!

If you feel your children are starting to control you then I’d limit contact with them. Sounds harsh but I wouldn’t be having people telling me what to do with my house or my finances. Have you always done everything for them?? Did they watch their father boss you about?

Do skirting boards etc matter in regards to looking after your grandson. Presumably you have an area that is safe to play in/sleep in and you’d only have him for a limited time anyway?

Your kids are nasty, demanding entitled brats. I saw my mum go through a tough divorce that y dad tried to stop her getting her fair share and even after a battle she gave up and ended up very short changed.

They are supporting your ex because they are dribbling over the pound signs.

Message them separately, explain you will not be bullied by them anymore and they have behaved horribly towards you during a very difficult time in your life. Explain you can no longer afford the tablets and they are welcome to take over the contract if they wish or they will be cancelled.

Do not spend your money visiting ungrateful kids, save it to do your home repairs so you are comfortable again.

The dogs....wow you have a very similar situation to my mum and its not easy however your daughter needs to pay the vet bills and the food and flea and worm treatments. She can buy it and have it delivered to your home. She needs to pay for insurance for them as well. They are her responsibility and you are caring for them out of pocket. She can either do that or come and collect them or put them in boarding kennels which will cost a bomb for long term stays.

They need to grow up.

You need to put yourself first, get through this divorce, sort your DIY and start living, spend time with friends and family who actually care about you and don't use you as an emotional punching bag.

When my sister tried this crap with her dogs being dumped on mum I told her she either pays mum for ALL their care and needs or I will drop them at her door. It was harsh but it wasn't fair on mum who was really struggling and going without.

You seem to be lumping all the children in together.
Presumably the child who is the parent of the baby has said they don't think the house is safe for the baby. I don't think I'd want my baby in a house with 2 large, seemingly uncontrolled dogs. I don't think they are being unreasonable.
How long ago did you agree to have your grandchild to stay? Were the dogs an issue then? Was it your oldest child objecting to the dogs and are they the parent of the baby?
I'm also wondering why you would allow their daughter to get a puppy for her 18th, knowing she was off to Uni. As for the 2nd puppy, she had no business accepting it if she wasn't willing to home and look after it.
I think you need to come to an agreement about the dogs - if they are your daughter's dogs, then she should be paying you for their keep and for the cost of any damage. If you have agreed to be responsible for this, then that needs to be clarified. Have they in fact become your dogs, or will she take them away when she has somewhere she can house them? What about vets bills?
I think you need to be clear with your children that you have no money, and that the divorce and financial arrangements are going through in the usual process, and that it is in fact none of their business. However if they want to comment, you should explain that their father is trying to keep family assets from you. You could mention that in all financial arrangements, full disclosure is required, and there is nothing special about this.
As far as the tablets are concerned, just tell them you are cancelling the contracts as you can no longer afford them.

You don’t sound like you are living in “chaos” at all to me, no idea where pp got that from!
Lots of us have repairs that need doing to our houses, the flooring in my downstairs loo is damaged and my dog has had a chew on most of my skirting boards, so what? It doesn’t mean my house is unsafe!

It was sheer madness for your dd to have had a dog for her 18th when she was off to Uni, it was obvious it would become your responsibility. And as for her boyfriend buying her a puppy??!! Grrr words fail me! Anyway you love the dogs now so tell the kids to shut up about that as it’s nowt to do with them. Ask them how they would have liked it if you had rehomed them when they made a mess in the house!

Concentrate on getting what you are due from your ex, that must be the priority. Ask the kids for kindness and support not judgment or ultimatums. Keep the lines of communication open but keep your boundaries tight too.

I hope things calm down for you soon.

A lot of you have said about my 18 year old receiving the puppy for her 18th, just before he left!!!

My life is not chaotic, merely circumstance.

My eldest is not the parent of the child but her husband detests dogs and the issue is with him mostly. They are also the ones whispering in my son's ear (father of child) because they wanted the baby to stay with them.