Adult children overstepping boundaries

[Cadanita1]

I have 4 adult children. I'm in the middle of a traumatic, coercive divorce and now I find my adult children are trying to call the shots.

1. My stbx is trying to defraud me during FDR therefore leading me to financial hardship. I have been accused by them of only interested in suing their dad.....not true.....its a standard part of divorce process and he's the one causing problems. I want done with it and want to move on with my life.
2. I've been landed with 2 large dogs who systematically destroyed skirting boards and wallpaper in my house when they were puppies. Which I plan to fully rectify once the above is completed.
3. When my middle daughter brought home 1 of her dogs, my eldest called and told me to get rid of the dog, it's it or us, she demanded.
4. I spoke to the middle daughter who brought home the dog and asked her rehome it because of the threats. My middle daughter (who is at uni and seldom home) then said, if you rehome my dog you will never see me again.
5. I feed and care for these dogs out of my own pocket.
6. I have 2 burst pipes in my house due to faulty copper piping, insurance won't cover it because they say its historic damage. I have stopped the leaks but had to partially lift my laminate flooring.
7. I was supposed to be looking after my 7 seven month old grandson in my home this week but my adult children descended on me to say that because of state of house, caused by dogs and failed plumbing it is an unsafe place for my grandson. Obviously my grandson would not be in area of the house where there is an issue.

Things got very irate, seemingly I won't do as I'm told or I'm not taking their demands on board. They want me to banish or get rid of the dogs. They want me to build an outside pen and keep them their. Can I just say at this point the dogs very beautiful and very kind, a retriever and a newfi who is gentle giant. I now live alone and they have become my companions. I seldom see my children and my grandson unless I go to their houses, I don't drive and am often out considerable expense by visiting them, last Wednesday was the first time in a year they were in my house.
So now I'm being emotionally blackmailed, do as they say or I lose my family and the other hand rehome my dogs and you will see me again.
Part of my financial difficulty is that I took out Samsung tablets for each of them and their partners Christmas 2018 at that time I believed my Final FDR hearing was insight and I could have easily covered the costs but my husband massaged the business accounts to make it appear that the business was worthless. The contracts are coming to and end soon.

I'm trapped, I'm inpoverished, I get no help and they turn up or send messages demanding that I bend to their will or I will lose my family forever.

They know the stress and depression all this is causing me.

As for the fact that I said they are my life. I have spent 5 years trying to protect them from most of my problems. It was more important to get them through it all as undamaged as possible and yes that means I put my life on hold.

Yes, I know what you mean, OP - I'm not suggesting in any way that this was wrong of you.

However, I do think that part of the reason you feel your DC have you over a barrel now is because both you and they are so accustomed to your giving everything you have to your DC (and likely your STBXH).

Which is why I think it's so important for you to start rediscovering who you are as an individual person and building a life as you, not as someone's mother or someone's confidante or someone's ball and chain. It's especially hard to do this after the kind of marriage breakdown you've had, so I do hope you've got a decent therapist.

where is the DC that owns the dog?
I would tell her, her dogs have damaged your house, you take care of them & the bills, & she must fund this if she expects you to continue to keep them. As you have NO money., You keep them & love them, & she walks back & takes them back when ? or you keep them till when? forever? She can strop all she wants.
Re the grandson, unfortunately it seem the father not liking dogs is using the damage done by them as an excuse.
Just say fine, When my divorce is final, & when I have fixed the house I'll let you know.
Time to take a step back & let them feel what they have lost
You can"t afford to go & be their free childcare, Same thing. Just say, "I have no money, you know this".
Back off

And I do agree with PPs about the babysitting - a parent can decide not to have someone looking after their DC for any reason - they don't need to explain themselves and no-one has a right to babysit.

OP I think some pps have been really harsh and purposely missing the point of your post. I think its clear from your posts how stressed and upset you are about the situation.
I think your children sound really horrible to be honest, selfish and entitled and bloody rude. I also dont think you are relying on them for emotional support at all! I know if this was one of my parents in this position, I would want to help as much as possible.
Sorry about your husband, that must be really hard among everything else.
I think you need to back away from the adult children and concentrate on yourself, the dogs and your house for a while.

As my son said it was their home. Yes it was their home but they have moved on with their lives

If selling the house is an option will probably help with them having some boundaries about your home.

Though frankly calmly stating this is my home and you do not get to tell me what to do with it should be enough.

If you want to keep the dogs and are paying for them - I'd stop calling them your child's dog or mentioning how you came to have them as you have made the decision to keep them.

If family aren't happy to have young children around your dogs and any compromise you have suggest is not acceptable and you can't afford of find one that is - them meet them eslewhere and don't provide free childcare.

Telling someone to get rid of their pets is not really on but not allowing their child around a dog is their choice.

I'd cancel any contract you are paying for your children as soon as resonabable state you are struggling finacially.

Maybe working out what you want to do may help avoid being railroaded into situations.

It does sound like your boundaries have been badly eroded and working out what is and isn't an acceptable ask of you is a struggle and saying no is another.

Your not the first to have said that.

I still have the dogs (please don't get me wrong i do love them now but would never have chosen to have them). The owner of the dogs, my middle daughter, in response to my eldest daughters demand of its your family or the dog. The middle daughter turned the tables on me saying to me if you get rid of my dogs you will never see me again. So I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.

I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't

Well, what do you want to do about the dogs, OP? Do you want to keep them as your own or not? Can you afford to?

It's also worth remembering that your DD might decide to move out and take the dogs with her at some point.

She's in halls

exactly

She's in halls

Right, but presumably she won't be forever?

OP is clear she wants to keep the dogs, and fair enough! As she says they have been her company for three years.

Can you try communicating with them by email? It gives everyone more time to respond.

You could do a joint email pointing out you are in an impossible position, with children threatening never to see you again whatever you do.

To be honest though, you can't do anything about them- no point worrying about who is whispering to who. Just organise your life as best you can and let them fit in however they will.

OP is clear she wants to keep the dogs, and fair enough! As she says they have been her company for three years

Ok, but my point was that if her DD decides she does want the dogs back in the future, it doesn't sound like she will care about OP's attachment to them.

Whenever anyone gives me an ultimatum, I call their bluff!

Never allow anyone to terrorise you! They’re threatening you with what THEY fear most, so tell them to sort it out amongst themselves and to ftfo if they think they call the shots in your house.

This got lost somewhere along the line. The question was about adult children overstepping boundaries and issuing ultimatums and demands.

I mentioned the divorce because this whole financial issue should have been sorted 3 years ago and if it had then MY financial problems would not exist today and I don't know why my kids brought up the whole suing dad thing. He was abusive and they know that, to the extent where he said that if he had his choice our 2 youngest would not be here and he said it within their earshot. The first dog was the final gift from my stbxh's and my daughter loves her, the dog and its existence was not an issue to me, other than the chewing, which puppies do and the cost under the circumstances, but whether the dog stays or goes is my daughter and i's choice but the truth is I would never get rid of my daughters dog, the truth is her Ellie got her through the most difficult time in her life, she loves her dogs and I have come to love them, the question is, when is it acceptable for adult children, nolonger living at home to demand its us or the dogs. Can you imagine if I said that to them. Can i just say that my grandson has met our retriever and he loves her but I would never knowingly put him at risk or completely trust any dog
Obviously the pipes and floor were not my fault and the plumbing is my top priority and it will be sorted ASAP. This is something that will not affect my grandchilds safety. He at present is not mobile and obviously I would never let him be in a place where he is not 100% safe.
My life is not chaotic as many have tried to say. To find yourself impoverished is not a crime nor a personality defect, it is very often as in my case a matter of circumstance.
There is one thing I should clarify. My kids are 30, 28, 22 and 20, the 2 eldest moved out 12 and 10 years respectively. They all have good careers/future careers, a doctor, an arcitect and the 2 younger ones are at uni doing computer science, the youngest one is doing forensic anthropolgy at Dundee. I have made sure to protect them as much as possible to ensure their future emotional happiness and that they could reach their full potential in whatever they choose to do. I don't think I've done too badly there and i have tried very hard not to use them as my emotional crutch but perhaps its my fault in putting myself last all the time, they perhaps view it as a weakness and they know there is nothing I wouldn't do for them, they know that they are my krytonite. It would kill me to lose my family and hence they know what to hit me when they wish to cause me maximum pain.
With regards the tablets its the ingratitude I find offensive, in 2018 the cost of the tablets was not an issue but became such when my ex tried to force me into bankruptcy in an effort to stop me pushing for a fair and equal financial resolution and they are fully aware of the situation. I have now been left in unenviable position of self litigant which is not helping my stress levels but most definitely worked in my favour. I have 4 months left of these contracts and I will be cancelling the contracts at that time.

Most of the problems I face are created by my eldest's husband. He causes most of the issues. Her husband came into our lives about 8 years ago and although I have a son, he has set himself up as the alpha male. I got rid of one controlling man and do not need or want another one, thank you very much, hence the reason i choose to stay single at present. He's the one who hates dogs and manipulates situations because he wants them gone or has an ulterior motive, he is the one who nips and picks away at everything. Constantly trying to control everyone and inflict doubts. He was the one who started this whole thing and then he sits back and watches everyone unravel around him ( I wasn't expecting anyone to much later that day, he arrived early, his wife was coming down with my son and his family, i was bleaching and disinfecting my floors, I believed I had enough time to get them rinsed off and dried before everyone else arrived, he went out and I heard him on the phone to my daughter, his wife warning everyone of what I was doing, not that I was doing anything wrong but they had to go over the wet floor, which I was busy rinsing off. Obviously the remnants of the bleach were on ppls shoes and I went of to get a fresh mop to get rid of the residue from the living room floor. He stopped me and said can i point out that, that is the same mop you were bleaching the floor with in the hall, this was obviously his attempt to undermine me and which then ignited everything with my son. Then the penny dropped for me when he said to my son, well if you want, our offer is still there to look after the baby. I knew he was jealous that they had asked me. He and my daughter can not have children and my heart honestly goes out to them but they have totally injected themselves into grandson's life, he even bought himself a pen saying no.1 uncle.I think my son knowswhat he is up to and thankfully he said no! mum will be looking after him. I love my grandson and he has met our retriever and he loves her. So the dog really is non issue but I would never take silly risks or fully trust a dog with a small child

My problems arise when my adult children and in law think they can then manipulate and control me to get what they want. This isn't the first time this type of problem has arisen (not about the house) its just that this time they have hurt me to this extent, I just broke down and the silly thing is through my tears I continued making and serving their dinners instead of throwing them out. Its the one time that has made me feel like a complete waste of space, a non person, a failure, if you like.

I know that I would never go to my mothers house and try to manipulate and coerce a situation and thats my point, I know and accept the unspoken boundaries.

I raised my 4 kids in this house and I have fought long and hard to keep hold of it because for most part its the only home they have ever known and they didn't want to lose it. The other thing is this a very large house and I have an acre of land so the dogs, which a lot of ppl have jumped on are not a real issue, I know the financial responsibility is huge but after what my ex did and as previously stated the bottom line is I was so glad my middle daughter had her Ellie.

AS I SAID THE QUESTION WAS ABOUT ADULT CHILDREN OVERSTEPPING BOUNDARIES. Thinking that they can come into my home where I live and have lived for 28 years (through all the disasters and probably to my detriment). Where they think they can call the shots and if i won't do as I'm told, disagree or try to mount a defence then I'm told that i will be left alone.

Are these the actions of loving caring children?

You can set new boundaries with all your DC anytime. whatever ultimatums/demands they may be issued you can respond as you choose - posters have advised you not to comply.

Probably won’t help you to demonise your eldest’s DH. As with your DC, you can adjust your boundaries with him.

Your middle DC sounds to have behaved abominably over the dogs, and you acquiesced and STILL refer to the dogs as hers! She is in no position to be a dog owner and has presumably taken little responsibility for their cost and care. Among the other benefits/drawbacks of your decisions about the dots it is v likely to have annoyed your other DC.

The legal / financial situation sounds v challenging. Presume the outcome will also determine your housing situation. There might be help in other areas of MN on that.

Your eldest has picked a man like her father. Like you did. What a sad, entangled mess.

Are these the actions of loving caring children?

Does it matter?

They're the actions of the adults in question, so whether they're loving and caring, they're the actions you have to find a way of dealing with.

I would never go to my mothers house and try to manipulate and coerce a situation and thats my point, I know and accept the unspoken boundaries

Right, well I think it's fair to say that your boundaries here will need to be spoken as the DC clearly haven't picked up on any unspoken ones!

If you don't feel you can say no to them, I would work on your confidence - it will inevitably take time and practice not to be walked all over in the way you've been accustomed, so remember that things aren't likely to change overnight.

The other thing I'll mention, OP, is that there's a lot of identifying information in your last post.

Do what's best for you OP. It's time to decide what YOU want!

Do you want to keep the dogs? If yes then do so, if you want them upstairs or sleeping on the bed then let them, it's your house and none of your dc's business!

Do you want to look after your gc? If yes, tell them the offer is there but you won't be rejoining dogs, fixing the house or building an outside pen for the dogs. Your dc take it or leave it!

You'll fix the house when YOU want to.

They are adults, stop being bullied by them, sounds like your ex is a bully and your dc have picked up where he's left off, looks like his behaviour has rubbed off on your dc. They've seen him bully you all your life and think it's normal. You're standing up to your ex, time to do it with your kids now

You found the strength to get rid of your controlling husband, so use that same strength to state your boundaries. Tell your children that you love the dogs and will be keeping them (although, is your middle dd going to up and take them once she finishes uni?). Tell them that as soon as their father stops being shitty you will have the money available to fix things in the house and tell them that they are welcome to visit, but you will not be pandering to any demands.
At the moment, even though these are your children they are not behaving in a way that adds value to your life, so reduce their ability to affect your life.

Boundaries are a real problem in families, and far worse in families where they have been unhealthy (your stbx).

It's something you will always have to manage, I expect. Try not to take it personally and get upset.

Your DD has married a man very like her father. It will take her a long time to sort out. Don't allow it to damage your relationship, that just helps him.

Boundaries are controlled by both sides:

Your grandson's parents have every right to dictate the terms under which you look after their child. You have the right to comply, negotiate or reject the terms.

You have every right to make decisions about the dogs in your care. Your DD saying she won't speak to you again if you get rid of her dogs, is that something you have threatened before, or that she has heard from her siblings? It's the sibling insisting you get rid of them she should be angry with, not you. Can you point that out to her?

I'm not demonising my DH, merely stating facts.

Not facts, your opinions - to which you’re of course entitled.

Suggest though that it’d be better to focus on setting boundaries with your DC.

The reasons behind their criticisms of you/ requests/demands don’t actually matter that much - need not affect your responses and handling. Assertiveness techniques could be good!

Sorry but not opinion. Verifiable facts as witnessed by myself and 2 daughters.

Cadanita, Dozer originally referred to 'demonising' your daughter's husband.

I don't think anyone would argue with you about the behaviour of your stbx.

I didn't say in my earlier posts- and I intended to- I'm sorry for what you are going through. You are clearly having a really tough time, on top of years of problems with the stbx.

Your DCs were shaped by it to, to some extent. You'll need to be patient with each other, I think, as you work out new ways of relating to each other.

I'm an adult daughter and find my relationship with my mother very difficult. I don't intend to dictate to her what she should do. She asks for help then gets very offended when I try- I'm obviously misunderstanding something.

Do you think you could assume everyone is trying their best, rather than intending to hurt you?