Adult children overstepping boundaries

[Cadanita1]

I have 4 adult children. I'm in the middle of a traumatic, coercive divorce and now I find my adult children are trying to call the shots.

1. My stbx is trying to defraud me during FDR therefore leading me to financial hardship. I have been accused by them of only interested in suing their dad.....not true.....its a standard part of divorce process and he's the one causing problems. I want done with it and want to move on with my life.
2. I've been landed with 2 large dogs who systematically destroyed skirting boards and wallpaper in my house when they were puppies. Which I plan to fully rectify once the above is completed.
3. When my middle daughter brought home 1 of her dogs, my eldest called and told me to get rid of the dog, it's it or us, she demanded.
4. I spoke to the middle daughter who brought home the dog and asked her rehome it because of the threats. My middle daughter (who is at uni and seldom home) then said, if you rehome my dog you will never see me again.
5. I feed and care for these dogs out of my own pocket.
6. I have 2 burst pipes in my house due to faulty copper piping, insurance won't cover it because they say its historic damage. I have stopped the leaks but had to partially lift my laminate flooring.
7. I was supposed to be looking after my 7 seven month old grandson in my home this week but my adult children descended on me to say that because of state of house, caused by dogs and failed plumbing it is an unsafe place for my grandson. Obviously my grandson would not be in area of the house where there is an issue.

Things got very irate, seemingly I won't do as I'm told or I'm not taking their demands on board. They want me to banish or get rid of the dogs. They want me to build an outside pen and keep them their. Can I just say at this point the dogs very beautiful and very kind, a retriever and a newfi who is gentle giant. I now live alone and they have become my companions. I seldom see my children and my grandson unless I go to their houses, I don't drive and am often out considerable expense by visiting them, last Wednesday was the first time in a year they were in my house.
So now I'm being emotionally blackmailed, do as they say or I lose my family and the other hand rehome my dogs and you will see me again.
Part of my financial difficulty is that I took out Samsung tablets for each of them and their partners Christmas 2018 at that time I believed my Final FDR hearing was insight and I could have easily covered the costs but my husband massaged the business accounts to make it appear that the business was worthless. The contracts are coming to and end soon.

I'm trapped, I'm inpoverished, I get no help and they turn up or send messages demanding that I bend to their will or I will lose my family forever.

They know the stress and depression all this is causing me.

sorry I missed out words there my stbx, her father bought the puppy for her for her birthday

I don’t really understand the correlation between your divorce financials and your kids and th dogs op?

If they're not your dogs, OP, and you don't want to take care of them for other people, your family can't force you.

As I see it, your options are (1) consciously decide to keep the dogs because you want to and stop complaining about it, (2) make DD pay for their upkeep (if you're happy to look after them), or (3) drop them off with DD and let her sort them out.

If the dogs are wrecking your house, I would think carefully before deciding to keep them - you should only be living like this if you actually want to.

My kids and grandchild are my life and they think that by threatening me that I will lose them, that I will infact give way to their demands.

Op is it not just two large dogs and a small infant that’s scaring them?

Can’t you go to their house to baby sit? It does not seem your house is suitable at the moment.

Your divorce from your husband is surely a different topic.

Why would Op's adult kids be scared of two gentle dogs?? The dogs actually belong to one of the kids anyway! Large dog does not equal aggressive / badly behaved dog. Nowhere in the Op do i see reason to believe the dogs are in any way a threat to the grandchild. TBH the dogs sound better behaved than OPs kids.Mind you OP should have insisted the puppy lived at the ex's house as he bloody thought it was a good idea to buy it!

Honestly OP call them all to a meeting and calmly and politely tell them you love them very much but you will not be dictated to or threatened.

Sorry about the difficult divorce.

If DC further criticise your actions with respect to the divorce, state that it’s between you and their father and that you don’t wish to discuss it with them. If you’ve been discussing details with them, stop.

You could’ve refused the dogs. You chose to look after them, which has had both positive and negative consequences. Negative ones include costs and your DC other than the middle one (who sounds like a dick!) being pissed off.

If you can’t afford to fix the pipes you can’t afford to continue subsidising tablets. Notify the company (if required) and inform the recipients of the vendor’s options/terms for continued use.

Let the parents make decisions about childcare for their DC. If they don’t want to accept your offer of regular childcare, fine.

Visit your DC only if/when you want and can afford to.

My kids and grandchild are my life and they think that by threatening me that I will lose them, that I will infact give way to their demands

That sounds so unhealthy, OP.

If they're going to threaten you like that, I'd do what you want to do and call their bluff.

From what you've said about your marriage, it sounds like your DC have picked up some unhealthy attitudes to relationships from that. Presumably, that's why you're divorcing your H, so I wouldn't start accepting the same coercive behaviour from your DC.

I would also start to carve out a life for yourself that doesn't revolve around them, so you don't feel quite so reliant on them for your happiness too.

You didn’t “get landed with” the dogs: you were threatened by your DC and gave in to the threat. A choice.

I've never actually complained about the dogs although I do obviously hate the destruction they have caused but pups do chew. My issue is that my kids are fully aware of my situation with my ex etc....but I get the impression they simply don't care. As my son said it was their home. Yes it was their home but they have moved on with their lives and im the one left dealing with it all. If they came and said, look mum we know the stress you are under, we know that you have no control over the building products used in the building of your house and we know the damage caused by it breaks your heart . Rather than coming in and making me feel like a piece of inept shit
I honestly don't think they have any rights dictating to me over whether or not I can have an animal (mine or my daughters) is it any of their business. My 2 eldest left home 10 and 8 years ago respectively. I have had to be mother, father, therapist to my 2 youngest who were at home when my ex left.

If they had came and offered constructive help that would have been one thing but emotional blackmail is never acceptable.
MY GRANDSON WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN IN CONTACT WITH EITHER DOG AND AS PREVIOUSLY STATED THE DOGS DO NOT HAVE FREE RANGE OF THE HOUSE.
My grandson at present is immobile so tha danger of him coming into contact with areas of chewed skirting and areas where laminate flooring had to lifted is zero.

If I had went to my mum and demanded anything of her she would have told me where to go and she would have been right to do so.

I’d be interested to hear their side of this op but from what you’ve posted, there is something deeply dysfunctional going on in your family.

I still have the dogs and in this time of Covid, they have been a godsend. I think this thread got lost somewhere. This started out about adult children coming into their parents home and laying down the law as they see it.

They are seldom here.

Op it actually started off about your divorce and your ex husband not giving you enough money.

No need to get shouty.

People can “demand” what they like: you choose how to respond.

you can do as you wish as regards the dogs. Own your past choices, including the downsides (irritated older DC, house damage, costs).

It doesn’t matter whether, when in your sole charge, your grandson would come into contact with the dogs and / or potentially unsafe areas of the house. Your DC and / or their partner seem to be saying that they don’t wish you to provide the childcare you offered. Sad, but their decision to make as parents.

dysfunctional.....my life was simple and happy. Happily married and blind by my husbands issues. Perhaps I should have explained. My husband is now a woman, he has shed his past life and moved on. I was the one left to try and repair and help my childrens/young adults come to terms with the devastation caused to their lives and I've done my best. I'm not perfect.

If they came and said, look mum we know the stress you are under, we know that you have no control over the building products used in the building of your house and we know the damage caused by it breaks your heart . Rather than coming in and making me feel like a piece of inept shit

Whoa, OP - of course they shouldn't be treating you like shit, but why are you expecting this level of emotional insight and support from your children?

Why does a building issue break your heart?

It sounds like you need to take a step back from them and work through your own feelings with someone separate from your family, like a counsellor or therapist. Then, you can say all the stuff you need to say and work out a proper plan of how to handle communication with your DC and how to understand your own feelings about the various sources of stress in your life.

You've obviously been through a very difficult time, but I think you're barking up the wrong tree by looking to your DC for emotional support here.

I have a large house.....3000 Square ft and no my grand son would not have come into contact with any of the areas or animals.

My husband is now a woman, he has shed his past life and moved on. I was the one left to try and repair and help my childrens/young adults come to terms with the devastation caused to their lives and I've done my best

Have you found the MN trans widows threads, OP?

That’s fine, but seems that your DC and their partner, for whatever reasons, no long want to accept your offer of childcare! You may disagree with their reasons but would do better to accept their decision IMO.

Im not asking for emotional support from my kids but some form of empathy would be good. I do not enter their lives and pass remarks or make demands. I find this a hurtful assumption.

As for the fact that I said they are my life. I have spent 5 years trying to protect them from most of my problems. It was more important to get them through it all as undamaged as possible and yes that means I put my life on hold.

Op I mean this in the kindest way but your kids sound like entitled, selfish, brats! They have obviously seen the way your husband treated you and decided to follow suit. Your house and financial affairs are absolutely none of their business, if they are so bothered about the repairs that need doing why are they not helping instead of criticising? I would be cancelling the tablets and telling them to grow up and stop being so arrogant and selfish! If the dogs make you happy then keep them, all puppies chew and eventually grow out of it!

yes I'm on it.

Ask a friend to drive you and the dogs to see your middle daughter. hand your DD the leashes and tell her they are her dogs, she can deal with them. If her dad is so blameless and great through all of this, perhaps she can dump them on him. But you're out.

Tell your other children that you're done being their punching bag, you're done being contacted only when they want something or want to complain about something, and you're done.

Personally? I'd look to move as soon as possible and tell them all to fuck off.

my middle daughter lives in halls

Your house is huge. What do you think the real reason is that they don’t want you to babysit?

If your ex has his own company then you may be very shafted by the divorce. Plenty of us have been there.

Can you sell the house and start again?

Do you work?

What makes you happy because it doesn’t sound as though it’s going to be your children in the long run.

Sorry about your husband. Sounds like a bellend. :(