Adult children overstepping boundaries

[Cadanita1]

I have 4 adult children. I'm in the middle of a traumatic, coercive divorce and now I find my adult children are trying to call the shots.

1. My stbx is trying to defraud me during FDR therefore leading me to financial hardship. I have been accused by them of only interested in suing their dad.....not true.....its a standard part of divorce process and he's the one causing problems. I want done with it and want to move on with my life.
2. I've been landed with 2 large dogs who systematically destroyed skirting boards and wallpaper in my house when they were puppies. Which I plan to fully rectify once the above is completed.
3. When my middle daughter brought home 1 of her dogs, my eldest called and told me to get rid of the dog, it's it or us, she demanded.
4. I spoke to the middle daughter who brought home the dog and asked her rehome it because of the threats. My middle daughter (who is at uni and seldom home) then said, if you rehome my dog you will never see me again.
5. I feed and care for these dogs out of my own pocket.
6. I have 2 burst pipes in my house due to faulty copper piping, insurance won't cover it because they say its historic damage. I have stopped the leaks but had to partially lift my laminate flooring.
7. I was supposed to be looking after my 7 seven month old grandson in my home this week but my adult children descended on me to say that because of state of house, caused by dogs and failed plumbing it is an unsafe place for my grandson. Obviously my grandson would not be in area of the house where there is an issue.

Things got very irate, seemingly I won't do as I'm told or I'm not taking their demands on board. They want me to banish or get rid of the dogs. They want me to build an outside pen and keep them their. Can I just say at this point the dogs very beautiful and very kind, a retriever and a newfi who is gentle giant. I now live alone and they have become my companions. I seldom see my children and my grandson unless I go to their houses, I don't drive and am often out considerable expense by visiting them, last Wednesday was the first time in a year they were in my house.
So now I'm being emotionally blackmailed, do as they say or I lose my family and the other hand rehome my dogs and you will see me again.
Part of my financial difficulty is that I took out Samsung tablets for each of them and their partners Christmas 2018 at that time I believed my Final FDR hearing was insight and I could have easily covered the costs but my husband massaged the business accounts to make it appear that the business was worthless. The contracts are coming to and end soon.

I'm trapped, I'm inpoverished, I get no help and they turn up or send messages demanding that I bend to their will or I will lose my family forever.

They know the stress and depression all this is causing me.

He was the one who started this whole thing and then he sits back and watches everyone unravel around him

I had a neighbour like that was always amazed people couldn't see what she did - she cause huge storming out rows with her SIL and DIL.

Have you tried reading Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships might help you spot patterns and avoid playing your assigned "role".

My IL have tried coming in our house saying it's DH - I paid bulk of the deposit and it's in joint names- they get ignore or laughed at and we do what we want anyway. I had odd thing moved DSis had people -family - moved in and things taken by her MIL - you have to deal with it so it's clear it's unacceptable.

Act as a door mat and people will wipe their feet all over you.

I still have the dogs (please don't get me wrong i do love them now but would never have chosen to have them)

You are being a massive martyr over this issue of having the dogs. You made the choice to keep them you are still making the choice to keep them.

Yet again and again it's mentioned how you took the dogs in - how you had "no choice" how you don't mind having them - how much damage they did but you don't mind - how their Dd dogs how you have to look after them - subtext aren't I great for doing this - but I want to keep them.

You seem to want praise for keeping them and having them cause problems -common puppy issues -in your house - no-one going to do that - no-one cares.

The DD who got them should care but clearly that's not happeneing and she should have been told how bloody irresponsible she was to try and keep dogs at a time in her life wouldn't allow her. Time for saying that has sailed - it's past now the time to say the dogs are mine --assuming you continue to want to keep them

Make a choice and own it.

I'd make sure the chips and vet are registered in your name - and I'd be making it clear having housed and paid for them they are your dogs and you are keeping them

In fact listening to you go on about the damge they have done to house instead of saying no to DD who got the dogs or making her make alternative arrangements - is almost certainly pissing the other kids off with you.

I don't doubt your ex has put you through hell - but you are not powerless here - you are making choicse and you can say no to anyone on any subject.

If someone enters your house and says get rid of pets - tell them to fuck off or treat it like a joke that can't possibly be serious. Put a boundary in don't assume they an unwritten one everyone will follow.

The issue of the dog is that my ex bought my middle daughter the dog as her 18th present, he also bought her a £600 car and i ended up paying for insurance which was £1500 a year without telling me he was doing so. I was put out at the time but he then told my 2 eldest about his decision to transition so it seemed heartless to cause her more pain or torment. Then my eldest and her husband gave me the ultimatum about the dog because of her husbands dislike of dogs. So no I'm not being a martyr. The second dog was a present from her boyfriend because she was in hospital getting tests done. So he surprised her, it was a lovely thought but I was shocked. As I said I would not choose to have a dog but the truth is you do grow to love them.

You certainly do! And circumstances do change over the lifetime of a pet.

It has to be said, pets should never be a surprise present. Not cars for that matter, unless all associated costs are covered.

We have a household rule, 'no living things brought in without all residents' consent' 😂 Fostering family and I'm a sucker for a pet in need of a home,

I feel like this whole thread has got over complicated and I wonder if the real life situation has been over complicated too (not surprising as it sounds like you’ve been through a lot.) if the issue is adult children over stepping boundaries then I personally would start being stricter about my boundaries but accept there might be some backlash consequences to that while the get used to you holding your own. I’d try not to mix up issues or worry about matters that aren’t relevant (eg where the dog came from etc etc isn’t relevant what is relevant is what your decision about the dogs being at your house is).

Dogs - you said they have grown on you so you’re making a choice to keep looking after them. If anyone comments on that tell them “I am happy keeping the dogs. I’m don’t need your opinion on what choice I make regarding pets in my home” then refuse to engage in any more discussion about them. If anyone threatens any consequences from keeping the say “that’s your choice to make but I will be keeping the dogs”. if your daughter makes threats about wat will happen if you get rid of the dogs tell her “I’m choosing to keep your dogs because they’ve grown on me. Threaten me and and I will drop them on your door step to look after yourself”.

Baby- don’t discus the situation with the baby sitting with anyone but the baby’s parents. If another child tries to get involved tell them politely and repeatedly that the situation is none of their business and it’s between you and the baby’s parents”. If the baby’s parents won’t let you have the baby at your house then that’s their choice just accept it and hopefully that will change as the house issues get sorted.They’ll have to accept not having the extra childcare option too
....which I’m guessing they’ll regret.

House and finances- don’t discuss any finances or house issues with any of them. If they try to start a conversation tell them it’s your own business and you won’t discuss it with them. Repeat repeat repeat.

I wouldn’t be talking to any of the children about what the other children have asked/threatened said to you about any of these issues. I wouldn’t be seeing them all together and allowing them to gang up or argue. If your daughter’s husband is controlling maybe limit your contact with him in anyway you can.

I dunno. Just my thoughts on the matter.

Agree with @AIMD, the kids are trying to over complicate this, they have learned from your ex, and sounds like your dd has married a man jus trike her dad

Stand strong, break down all this complicated stuff and take it back to the nuts and bolts and don’t let anyone bully you again.

Find your stance and stick to it.

I’m sorry, but I don’t think much to any of your kids.

I would make a massive change in attitude OP. You are clearly a giving and nurturing person yet your dc treat you poorly. Why are you begging for crumbs from the table.
Stop talking to the dc about the divorce. If they ask roll your eyes and say ‘you know what hes like’ don’t get drawn in.
Ask Middle DD to either remove the dogs, hand over ownership to you or start making a contribution towards food and repairs to damage.
Find an outlet for your maternal caring side. Maybe volunteering at a Sure start centre? Let go of the power they hold over and let go of the power struggle.

If I had went to my mum and demanded anything of her she would have told me where to go and she would have been right to do so

The answer to your kids is staring you in the face. New boundaries are alway painful but they usually always work the way you want them to. They might say you'll never see them again and they might stick to it for a while. But they'll be back and you might get some peace to sort out the last run of your shit with your ex.

Your eldest has probably chosen a husband like her dad, it happens. But you can tell him to fuck right off if you want. You stood up to one bully already.

the second dog was a present from her boyfriend because she was in hospital getting tests done. So he surprised her, it was a lovely thought

No it wasn't a lovely.

It was utterly irresponsible of boyfriend to buy a dog and your DD to accept it when she was not in a position to look after it.

You've stepped in had the dog and thus made is your problem not theirs now.

Seem to have been the same with the car ex DH is a complete manipulative areshole, DD there could have made different choice - again you've let it become your problem.

It was a friend's DH who gave me the games people play book.

Friend had pattern of behavior - savior complex- forever offering herself -her time or money or expertise -as a solution but people were never greatful enough.

If she got overwhelmed she never tell them so they could readjust but would get so resentful and often with the wrong people.

She often couldn't see she was making these choices - to get involved to not talk to people when it got to much, to not stop doing favor, to be resentful to other people for not offering to help her more with it and blind to their situations.

As I said I would not choose to have a dog
Doesn't matter - you have the dogs now - the qustion is do you want to keep them.

If you do broken record to DD husband - Getting rid of dogs isn't an option.

To DD who accepted them as pets -make it clear you are keeping them having looked after and persumable paid for them for years.

Work out what you want to happen and tell people.

You can't contol how they react to that - just your reponse and if they make threats call their bluff or ignore.

I'd look into fostering OP. There's a national shortage and you're obviously a kind, caring, thoughtful person with a lot of love in your heart.
However, you do need to step back first from all of this domestic drama and get to a point of total detachment. That point will arrive when you no longer care what your family say, do, think, or mean.
You need boundaries. You need assertiveness training.
You need to learn to say no loudly clearly and non negotiably. And you need to put yourself first probably for the very first time in your life.
And you need to check out your local authority's fostering department. There's children out there who would love a caring home - skirting boards or not

@pallasathena

I'd look into fostering OP. There's a national shortage and you're obviously a kind, caring, thoughtful person with a lot of love in your heart. However, you do need to step back first from all of this domestic drama and get to a point of total detachment. That point will arrive when you no longer care what your family say, do, think, or mean. You need boundaries. You need assertiveness training. You need to learn to say no loudly clearly and non negotiably. And you need to put yourself first probably for the very first time in your life. And you need to check out your local authority's fostering department. There's children out there who would love a caring home - skirting boards or not

I’m not sure fostering is the first thing that would come to my mind from this thread.

I’m not sure fostering is the first thing that would come to my mind from this thread

The big house part?

But OP has a long history of trauma to work through, a limited support network, and is partway through an acrimonious divorce.

Not a good situation to introduce young people with trauma. Which isn't to say OP can't foster, but she certainly can't foster yet. Fostering needs a really stable setting, and lots of support so the main carer can then support the children placed with her.

True...maybe she could start by getting some counselling and working her way towards that or similar goals.

I'm stepping away from this. So many judgemental people who do not understand my situation and are too quick to turn on me.

To those who tried to be helpful, thank you

I've thought about fostering, I most definitely do have the space, empathy and willingness to help and support young people but it will have to wait until I'm on a more secure financial footing and 100% free of my ex.

All the best, Cadanita.

Having worked through difficult times themselves is a good grounding for a foster carer. However it does bring trauma with it, so go steady!